Chapter Eight

This is not goodbye she said
It is just time for me to rest my head
She does not walk she runs instead
Down these jagged streets and into my bed
When I was fumbling through your dresser drawer

Forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry

I'm lifting you up
I'm letting you down
I'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy and we must get out

~Must Get Out by Maroon 5~

Carlisle considered my request carefully, his eyes firmly on mine. I looked back, trying to convince him of my trustworthiness. On the other hand, who was I going to tell?

After a moment he settled back in his chair, peering at me over arched fingers, looking wise in years despite his eternal youth.

"A question for a question. I would like to learn about you as well, we all would." He gestured to his gathered family and I nodded.

"That seems fair." Uncomfortable, but fair.

"Please, ask a question." Carlisle smiled graciously and I asked the most pressing one.

"Don't get the wrong impression but what can stop vampires from attacking humans?" I leaned forward, anticipating his answer.

"Other vampires. And that's about it." He replied immediately, without changing his kind expression. I frowned.

"Stakes, garlic, holy water?"

"All myth." He confirmed.

I pulled a face, feeling rather foolish. I just hoped I'd be able to clean the garlic out of the doorframe before Charlie noticed. Edward had tilted his head, examining me closely. I shook my head.

"Your turn." I mumbled, embarrassed. Carlisle, thankfully, didn't press but thought for a moment before speaking.

"Would you mind demonstrating your ability to move through solid objects?" He asked and I nodded, looking around. The outside wall of the house was nearest and I gestured to it. Carlisle nodded, getting to his feet. I stood as well and walked over to the wall, feeling a little self-conscious as I pushed my hands into my pockets. They were all watching intently and I swallowed hard before stepping through the wall. It was starting to rain outside so I only hesitated for half a second before moving back inside.

Carlisle was gazing at me and I could see the cogs turning in his head. After a moment he nodded and gestured back to the seat. I slid into it, very aware of every eye on me.

"What does it feel like? Could you describe it?" He asked, returning to his seat beside Esme. I pulled a face to express my feelings.

"It's… uncomfortable. Like everything in you is being pushed in different directions, pushing you apart. I usually try to avoid going through solid objects, but it's worse with people." I tried to explain.

"What does that feel like?" He asked and I looked down at my pale hands.

"They don't like it. It makes them cold and unhappy." I said quietly, "To me, it's like… like I'm falling apart in them. Humans are so active, so… alive. I'm not. It tears me to pieces when I walk through them."

Silence hung heavily in the room. I stared at my hands for a long time, feeling strangely exposed for having shared this aspect of my existence. It was humiliating and it weakened me to them. I looked up and gazed straight at Carlisle before smiling, masking myself.

"My turn?"

"…Yes." He said slowly and I knew he wanted to ask more. I avoided looking at him as I spoke, keeping the smile plastered on my face.

"Why are you in high school of all places? I mean… surely there are better places to be?" I asked, risking a glance at Alice and towards Edward. Alice answered.

"We can pass for mid-teens at a push. The younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in one place. We don't age, you see, so people start to notice after a few years." She explained. This made sense and I cocked my head, looking at her.

"So you keep re-doing high school? Wow… I mean, I'm on my, like, fourth go and I'm already sick of it. Although, if I actually manage to pass geometry this year, I may reward myself by skipping maths next time." I grinned and Carlisle, Esme and Alice all smiled. Edward was staring at the floor and Jasper was watching me with a strange expression, as though he couldn't quite make sense of me.

"OK, I get high school. Why Forks? It's not exactly a tax haven or tropical location." I asked. Carlisle smiled in good humour.

"There's very little sun here."

"Tell me about it." I muttered before sitting up, "Sunlight… do you-?"

"We don't burst into flames." Edward cut me off, smirking. I bit down on my lip, feeling embarrassed again.

"Oh. Then why don't you want to be in sunlight? What happens?"

Carlisle glanced at Edward before looking back at me.

"We… it's hard to describe, but we sort of shine when in direct sunlight."

"You shine?"

"It's like we reflect the light. I guess you could call it…" Edward struggled to find words and Alice rolled her eyes.

"We sparkle, Bella. We sparkle in sunlight."

I snorted. I couldn't help it and I clapped a hand over my mouth, horrified. Carlisle began to laugh again and I buried my face in my hands.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to laugh! It's just… it's a long step from bursting into flames to… sparkling."

They were all smiling now and I took a deep breath, trying to control myself before clearing my throat and sitting up straight.

"OK. Sorry. Please, your turn to ask a question." I said in a would-be-calm voice. Carlisle leaned forward.

"Are there others like you?"

"I don't think so. Not in Forks, anyway." I replied, "But I went to Seattle for a while and I didn't see anyone like me there either."

"Why Seattle?" Esme asked.

"Part of the Unfinished Business trial." I said simply, "Are there more like you?"

"Yes and no." Carlisle said, "There are other vampires. But very few who don't drink human blood, like us."

I stared at him for a moment before turning my head away, staring thoughtfully at the wall I'd walked through only a few minutes before. There were others. Others who would hurt people, people like Charlie or Jacob or Angela. Would they come to see the Cullens? Were my family and friends in danger from their proximity?

I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. I looked back at the Cullens and they were silent, watching me. I got to my feet quickly.

"I, uh, I have to go."

"Bella-" Alice said quickly but I held up a hand, backing towards the wall.

"I don't think this is a good idea. You might not feed from humans but you might have friends that do. I don't know you. God, I don't even know you and I'm here, telling you everything…"

I was disgusted with myself, horrified that I'd let myself be drawn in. The thrill of having somebody, anybody, to talk to had made me act like a brainless fool. I moved towards the wall but Edward had appeared in my way and I stopped short of running into him. His eyes met mine and I tried not to flinch from his unfaltering gaze. He paused for a moment before softening his expression.

"You don't have anything to fear from us. We don't associate with the more violent of our kind. You don't have to be afraid." He said very quietly.

I stared up at him before looking down, unable to meet his piercing gaze anymore. I saw Carlisle and Esme standing, just out of the corner of my eye, and I felt miserable that they had each other, embittered by my loneliness. All the negative feelings that I'd fought away years ago were back and I was falling back to being that person who couldn't accept what had happened.

I shook my head and stepped past him, walking through the wall without looking back.

~*~

Charlie was in bed by the time I got home. I went to my room and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The lumpy texture caught my eye and I looked at the familiar patterns. I felt the bed beneath me, running my fingers over the softness of the covers, felt the familiar squashiness of the pillow under my head. The room smelled of dust and age and staleness.

I closed my eyes and pretended to dream.

~*~

I went to school the next day, walking slowly towards the parking lot where other students were gathered, talking and laughing and rushing to finish homework. I paused by the low wall where I had sat the previous week and looked around. I couldn't see Alice or Jasper, nor Emmett and Rosalie, but Edward was by his car, locking the door. He lifted his face and looked directly at me.

I looked back, feeling defeated and unhappy that the only people who could see me where the sort of people I should avoid at all costs. It would be selfish to continue down this path. It could endanger others. I had been isolated for a decade, why was I so ready to give up what I knew was safe for something so uncertain?

Edward was still watching me. I blinked and then shrugged sadly at him. He tilted his head slightly and I shook mine before standing and walking into the school. It was better to walk away.

Someone had other ideas. Alice appeared in front of me, Jasper beside her although he angled himself slightly so that she could talk to me without it looking like she was talking to thin air and I could see that he was holding his breath. Alice leaned towards me.

"Bella, I'm sorry about last night. We were just so excited, we didn't mean to overwhelm you." She said quietly but I shook my head.

"It's not your fault, Alice. I shouldn't even have come over."

"Yes, you should." She smiled brightly, "I know you're scared, but there's really no need. Nothing bad is going to happen, I can promise you that."

I turned my face away, not wanting to look her in the eyes.

"Alice, I don't…" I paused and then smiled. The anxiety I had felt was draining away. I felt calm and collected and a sudden burst of confidence flooded me as I smiled at them. Why shouldn't I get to know these people? My fears were unfounded…

"Jasper!" Edward's voice was sharp and I jumped, not realising he was right behind me. I looked quickly at Jasper who had a guilty expression. Alice scowled at Edward and he turned to me, looking apologetic yet irritated.

"Jasper can manipulate emotions. He was trying to keep you relaxed whilst Alice convinced you to come and visit us again." Edward said shortly and I glared at Alice and Jasper.

"Not cool." I said irritably and marched past them. I heard Alice say, "What the hell, Edward?!" and he muttered something back, but I didn't listen.

Like my afterlife wasn't messed up enough already, now my vampire classmates were screwing with my emotions, future and mind all at once.

Just peachy.

~*~

I haunted the library at lunch, working my way through Memoirs of a Geisha. I couldn't deal with the hassle of finding somewhere to sit, avoiding the Cullens or being paranoid that Jasper was messing with me. But I was going to Biology, because this was my school and no freaky vampire family were going to stop me from enjoying it.

Edward sat at my desk in Biology and I hesitated, dithering between whether to join him or occupy the empty desk. He caught my eye, glanced at my seat and then looked back at me. I don't know why his blatant request was so persuasive. Maybe it was the loneliness in his eyes. Maybe it was the curiosity that was burning in my mind.

Maybe it was the smoking hot vampire that wanted me to sit with him. I may be dead but I'm still a teenage girl.

He had pulled the chair out so that I could sit comfortably and I was oddly touched by this gesture, although I knew that this wasn't doing much good for my 'stay away from the Cullens' plan. Still, there was no need to be rude. I slid into the seat, leaning on the desk as Mr Banner brought in the movie again so we could finish watching it. But as the lights went out, Edward was already scribbling a note to me.

I would like to apologise for last night. We didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

I hesitated before writing back, feeling impossibly slow compared to his lightening fast hands.

It's fine. I just freaked a little. Like I said, I don't know you. I think I just got carried away, having someone to talk to who could actually hear me.

That's understandable. Loneliness is a powerful thing.

I looked at his profile. He was gazing at the blurry screen, his pen resting lightly in his fingers. The pale light of the projector illuminated a few strands of his bronze hair, showing the red-brown tints, all mixed in with gold. The perfection of his face was marred slightly by an out of place, miniscule bump on the bridge of his nose.

He knew what it was like to be lonely. He was the lone one beside three couples. He twisted his head slightly and met my eyes. I looked away, embarrassed to have been caught staring. I pushed my next note towards him.

I don't think we should be friends.

Why not?

It's taken me a long time to accept what happened to me. I don't want that ruined.

You'd rather work on being alone than talk to the only people available to you?

I know it doesn't make sense.

He looked at me expectantly and I shrugged. It didn't make sense, what more did he want? He gave a faint smile, writing again.

Can you eat?

No. What does blood taste like?

He looked at me, his expression slightly distasteful. Hey, if he was all about the personal questions, I could fight fire with fire. I smiled and he began to write reluctantly.

It depends on the animal. Deer is watery and mild. Bear is smoky. I prefer mountain lion. It's tangy and rather satisfying.

That's gross.

You asked.

I guess. How old are you?

Seventeen.

Nice try. How long have you been alive?

One hundred and seven years.

And you're still in high school. Remedial? I could tutor you.

He smiled at that and I felt a surge of pride that I had made him smile. He caught my eye as he passed the paper back to me.

If I find myself struggling in geometry, I'll be sure to enquire after your services.

Harsh, blood boy.

Manners, ghost girl.

I snorted, shaking my head with a grin. Edward was smiling too, his eyes on the piece of paper. I felt strangely young and I could see the age draining from Edward's eyes too. He was writing again and I leaned over to look at what he was saying.

Where did you go last night?

Home. I don't like leaving Charlie too often. He doesn't have anyone else.

Your mother?

I hesitated and Edward sensed my reluctance to share. He spoke under his breath.

"I'm sorry. You needn't answer." I shook my head, reaching for the paper.

She lives in Jacksonville with her husband. She and Charlie divorced a long time ago and I lived with her until I was seventeen when she got remarried. I moved to Forks and then died less than a year later.

Edward was frowning as he read and he gave me a look that implied sympathy. I rolled my eyes.

I'm over being dead, Edward. You should get over it too. Besides, I'm not the only one in this room without a heartbeat. So don't go assuming that I've got issues, because I'm willing to bet that the Cullen household isn't all cookies and rainbows.

I pushed the paper back at him, feeling mildly irritated by his attitude. His eyebrows lifted slightly at my words and I looked back at the screen, watching cells divide under a recording microscope.

That was how I felt.

I was splitting into two, with one of me following Edward home after school and talking to Carlisle and Alice and Esme. I would laugh and joke and talk about all sorts of things, tell them about my life, listen to their stories. I would find peace and a place where I didn't feel like an outcast.

The other one of me would go to Charlie's and wait for him to come home. I would do some laundry, a little dusting. I would read a book that I'd read a thousand times. I would watch Charlie cook and fall asleep in front of the TV and then go to bed.

What a choice. The sensible part of my brain was screaming to get the hell away.

The rest of me needed to keep communicating with anyone that would listen and I looked down at the piece of paper that Edward had passed to me.

You're right. I'm sorry to make assumptions about your existence.

Don't worry about it. I paused, pen poised over the note. Do you think Carlisle would mind if I came over tonight? We never finished Post-Life Question Time.

I'm sure he would be delighted. As would Alice. May I make a suggestion?

Go for it.

Try to be a little more sensitive about your death-related jokes around Rosalie. She's never quite accepted her existence. She doesn't understand how you can be so relaxed about it.

I nodded and he saw out of the corner of his eye. We sat without communication for a couple of minutes, watching the movie before I stole the paper back.

Tell me three things about yourself.

Any three things?

Yes.

My middle name is Anthony. I have two medical degrees. My favourite colour is blue. Tell me four things about yourself.

Four? Don't you mean three?

No, I'm adding interest rates. He smirked at me and I rolled my eyes.

Fine. I'm eighteen. My middle name is Marie. My favourite colour is green. I wish that I had gotten drunk once before I died.

Of all the things to regret never doing, you write about never being intoxicated?

It's a vital human experience. Did you ever get drunk when you were pulse-happy?

Once. It was very unpleasant the next day.

But at least you can say you did it.

He smiled again, eyes on the screen. He wrote so quickly that I barely saw him move and I found myself wondering once again about the reality of vampires. But the lesson was drawing to a close. My questions would have to wait. Edward thrust one final note towards me.

Come over whenever you're ready tonight. We don't sleep, so you won't be disturbing us.

"I'll wait until Charlie's asleep." I said quietly as everyone began to pack away their things. He nodded again, catching my eye as I disappeared towards Calculus. I passed Alice in the corridor and she winked at me as though to say see you later.

Damn psychic.

A/N: Hello my little chickpeas and my utmost apologies for the wait. It has been an extremely stressful couple of weeks, what with work and uni. I hope you can forgive me!

Yes, we're back to Bella's POV. I know one or two of you find it frustrating to switch over to Edward's, but he's got some important stuff to say. For me, his story is equally important to Bella's and I will try to work enough new material in there to avoid boredom, but believe me when I say, he's got to have a chance to show his side.

Must Get Out – I used this to show how Bella lets her guard down initially and her inevitable freakout. But at the same time, she wants to go back, because she relates to these people. This could work for both Edward and Bella, really.

Smooches to Sarah, because she is hell-awesome and let me drag her to see Avenue Q last week. See it. It's fabulously funny.

I have written an Emmett/Rosalie one shot called Past, Present and Future for the ADF Happy Valentine's Emmett. Check it out.

Oh, and I tweet now. The link is at the top of my profile. It's mostly inane ramblings about university, fanfiction and my dog.

Reviewers will receive their chosen Cullen/Werewolf and a dark biology room. Or, if you are a Brit and are so inclined, you may have a Mitchell or a George and a haunted pub.

Love

Katie