Chapter Nine
There is a darkness deep in you
A frightening magic I cling to
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have
~You're All I Have by Snow Patrol~
Edward was waiting on the porch again that night as I walked up to the house. He smiled slightly and held open the front door.
"Carlisle is waiting in his office. He thought you might be more comfortable without an audience."
"And here I thought you were the mind reader." I teased. Edward arched his eyebrows with a faint smirk as he led me inside. Emmett and Jasper were sat in front of the television, each clutching a games controller and shooting zombies. I was tempted to make a comment on how they should be more understanding towards their undead fellows but Rosalie was flipping through a magazine and I remembered what Edward had said about her not being too happy with her state of being. Alice was sat in the armchair, a laptop on her knees which she tapped away on at super speed.
"Hi Bella!" She said brightly, not taking her eyes off the screen. I waved mutely and followed Edward upstairs to the first floor. He pushed open another door and I followed him into a beautiful study.
Carlisle was sat at a carved mahogany desk and Esme was stood beside him. They seemed to be waiting for us and were smiling warmly.
"Hello again, Bella."
"Hi." I said, a little uncomfortably. "I'm sorry about running out last night."
"Its fine, Bella," Esme said calmly, still smiling, "We came on a little strong."
"So did I, I think." I shrugged awkwardly, "It's just weird… having people actually hear what I'm saying. Plus, I was a little freaked out about the whole drinking human blood thing."
"I can assure you that you have nothing to fear from any of us. We do not feed from humans and generally do not associate with those that do." Carlisle said firmly, "It is a daily struggle, but one that we are capable of handling."
Carlisle leaned back in his chair and I noticed that Esme's hand was on his shoulder. Neither of them seemed aware of the contact, because it was so natural. I saw Edward move over to the window, giving me my space as Esme looked down at Carlisle. He was watching me.
"Bella, I'm going to be upfront. I'm curious about what you are and I'd like to examine your abilities, with your permission."
I stared at him for a moment, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Was this a deal breaker? Let him experiment on me or lose all contact with the only people I could talk to? This didn't seem much like a choice and I could feel the anger at the unfairness of it swelling up in my throat, roaring in my ears as I stared at him.
"Bella."
Edward's voice cut through the rushing in my ears. I blinked and looked at him. He was stood by my shoulder but I hadn't seen him move. His strange eyes were boring into mine and I couldn't look away, my chest tightening inexplicably. He tilted his head slightly, looking me straight in the face. I swallowed hard and he shook his head, keeping his eyes on mine.
"Don't be afraid, Bella. Carlisle isn't suggesting that this is your only option." He said very softly, his voice like a caress. It was a good thing that I didn't need to breathe, because I don't think I could have if I tried.
Carlisle spoke and I snapped my gaze back to him, glad that I couldn't blush. I had a feeling that I would have been very red, if the blood was able to rush to my cheeks. The older man stood and looked at me earnestly.
"Bella, I didn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm just a naturally curious man and I would appreciate the opportunity. If you don't want to, that's fine as well but I hope you'll continue to visit us." His eyes sparkled in amusement, "I believe Alice has already foreseen that you're going to be her friend and I think you'll find that it's easier just to give in to these matters."
Esme laughed quietly and I rubbed my forehead uncertainly. I suddenly felt a lot freer, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Still anxious, still unsure about the whole freakin' situation, but better.
I took a deep breath. Doing that was clearly a nervous habit. I'd never had a need for a nervous habit before now. Freakin' vampires.
"Spell it out for me, Carlisle." I said quietly, "What exactly do you want to do?"
Instantly he moved to the other side of the desk so he was in front of me.
"I'd like to see you pass through objects again. I'd like to examine your molecular build, see if I can take a tissue sample and try to find a scientific reason for your ability to touch us but not humans. Perhaps even find a reason for your existence after your death."
"All in a days work, huh?" I quipped and he smiled widely.
"I suspect it may take more than a day. If you agree, that is."
"When do you want to start?"
"As soon as possible." His answer was immediate.
What the hell did I have to lose? I was dead – loss doesn't really get any bigger than that, right?
I stole a glance at Edward. He was watching me from over by the window again, although I hadn't seen him move. Esme was still smiling that warm smile that seemed to fill the room and Carlisle was looking at me, not impatient or imploring, just ready to accept whatever decision I made.
Come on, Bella. Live a little.
Or not.
Heh.
"OK." I said in what I hoped was a nonchalant tone and not one of abject fear. Carlisle smiled widely and straightened.
"I'm very glad, Bella." And then he extended his hand towards me for a sealing handshake.
I stared at it.
Of course. There would need to be physical contact for these investigations and this felt strangely like the first of many tests. I looked from the hand to the pale face of the man it belonged to. Carlisle looked back and I saw no calculation behind his eyes, no urgency in his gesture, only the hope that I would trust him.
Better the vegetarian vampire doctor than the ferryman, I guess.
Slowly, I raised my hand. I heard Edward shift ever so slightly and wondered what he was thinking. I stretched my fingers out toward Carlisle's and brushed my fingertips against his. They were hard and warm and still. I gasped without meaning to and almost pulled away. But I bit down on my lip and thrust my hand into his. His fingers curled around my hand and I tried not to make a noise at the shock of feeling, like pinpricks running up and down my arm, like a warm blanket wrapping around my shoulders as my bare skin was touched for the first time in a decade.
With a very tentative motion, Carlisle squeezed my fingers before speaking.
"Are you alright, Bella?" He asked quietly and my eyes shot up to meet his. I blinked and then nodded, pulling my hand back to my side. It still tingled.
"Yeah… just… it feels a little weird." I said, shaking my head. I rubbed my fingers together and looked up at him with a shrug. "It's been a while."
"I know."
We were silent for a moment and then Edward let out an exasperated sigh.
"Bella, I think you should prepare yourself."
"What f-?" The door flew open and Alice bounced into the room, almost glowing with excitement.
"I'm so happy you said yes! Oh, Bella, this is going to be wonderful, there's so many things we have to talk about." She bounded towards me and I took an ungainly step back, ending up stood with the desk cutting through my hips. Alice looked at me in surprise and then grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to… I just get excited."
"I noticed." I stepped out of the desk, pushing Carlisle's papers back into a neat pile as I went. "Alice, has anyone ever talked to you about personal boundaries?"
"A few people tried but they gave up eventually." She laughed and gestured to the door, "Come on, I've got something to show you."
"Alice." Edward said sharply and she gave him an undistinguishable look. He looked right back and I knew he was reading her thoughts. Alice scowled and narrowed her eyes at him and Edward looked angry before turning and walking from the room. I raised my eyebrows at the short girl.
"What was that about?"
"I'm just letting Edward know that he has to share. Come on." She turned and pranced from the room. I stared after her before looking at Carlisle and Esme. Esme smiled lightly.
"It doesn't matter, Bella. Go on."
~*~
I followed Alice up to the second floor. I didn't see Edward or any of the other Cullens as she skipped into a room.
"Alice?" I called, as I entered the room behind her, "What did you say to Edward? He seemed mad."
"Oh, he's just grumpy. It's a permanent state of being for him. Hopefully having you around a little more will change that." Alice's voice floated through another door off to the left. The room was lovely, decorated in pale cream and yellow. There was a large bed at one end of the room, presumably for show since I knew they didn't sleep. One wall was lined with guitars, acoustic and electric, and several sets of amps were in the corner. An expensive looking computer sat on the desk and a bookcase filled with novels on what looked like the civil war.
Alice reappeared and I looked at her as her last statement sunk in.
"What do you mean, having me around? Why would I make a difference?" I asked as she scanned me from top to toe.
"You know… he's always alone, you're always alone. I think you'll get on well. But I just don't want him thinking that he can monopolise you. Do you always wear jeans?"
Her question threw me and I looked at her in confusion.
"Uh… yes."
"You don't own anything else? I mean, you've worn different hoodies, so I'm assuming you can change your clothes." She was examining me with a critical eye and I suddenly felt very self-conscious.
"I can change clothes. I mean, my dad never threw out my stuff so I just wash it while he's at work."
"Yes, but before no one could see you. This…" She waved a hand in my general direction, "Is all very well when you're invisible, but you could do better."
She moved at super speed and reappeared with a skirt, a blouse and a pair of boots. I stared at her as she handed the boots to me.
"Why do you have these in my size?"
"She asks the psychic." Alice rolled her eyes and pointed at a bathroom, "Go get changed."
"Why?"
She stopped and stared at me. I stared back and turned, putting the clothes on a nearby chair.
"Alice… I'm not… look, I'm glad you want to be friends, but I'm fine with the clothes I have. I'm sorry if my jeans and hoodies offend you, but I'm not exactly walking any runways. I'm dead. It really doesn't make a difference." I said, backing away. She continued to stare at me and I looked away, examining the guitars. "Who plays?"
"Jasper." She said in a shocked voice. I looked back at her and she was still staring at me, as though she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing.
I took a deep breath and smiled weakly.
"OK… well, I'm going to go say hi to the others. I'll see you later, Alice." She nodded blankly, staring at the skirt and boots as though trying to figure out what was wrong with them.
I half-ran through the nearest wall and found myself on the landing. I went quickly downstairs, looking over my shoulder as I went. I felt a little guilty, but I had a feeling that unless I put my foot down now, that little girl would be walking all over me.
"Hey Casper!" I looked around and saw Emmett still tapping away with Jasper at the TV. I frowned.
"Don't call me that. Jasper, I think I broke Alice." He looked around curiously and I shuffled uncomfortably, "Uh… she wanted me to change my clothes and-"
"You didn't let her dress you?" Jasper looked surprised and I shook my head, stuffing my hands into my jeans pockets. Emmett began to laugh, a huge guffawing noise as he slapped his hand on his knee.
"Damn girl has a whole family of vampires under her thumb and one ghost says no. Bella, you're something else."
"Emmett." Rosalie said sharply and I looked at her. She was glaring at Emmett and he grinned at her.
"Come on, Rosie. When was the last time someone said no to Alice? That takes balls, you've got to admit it."
Rosalie did not have to admit it. What Rosalie did was slam her magazine shut and storm out of the room. Emmett winced and tossed the game controller to one side, following her, throwing an apologetic look in my direction. Jasper paused the game and looked over at me, smirking a little.
"Successful visit?"
Let's see… I agreed to let a vampire experiment on me, pushed my boundaries with body contact, pissed off at least two vampires and caused an argument between two dating ones.
Yeah. Real successful.
Jasper chuckled under his breath and got to his feet.
"I'd better go check on the missus. I'm sure we'll talk again real soon." He drawled in a southern accent. As he passed me on the stairs, he paused and turned back to me. He inhaled deeply and I looked at him in surprise. He was perfectly still, his eyes on mine and I noticed something.
His eyes were black instead of their normal topaz. I frowned, gazing at him.
"Jasper, are you alright?" I asked. Very slowly, his head tilted to one side, his eyes fixed on me.
We stared at each other and I knew that something was wrong. Danger, Bella Swan, Danger. Get out now.
"Jasper!" We both jerked and Edward was beside us. Once again, I hadn't seen him arrive but Jasper stepped back abruptly, shaking his head as though to clear his thoughts. Edward had subtly shifted himself so that he stood between us on the wide staircase. Jasper looked at me briefly before muttering an apology and moving upstairs quicker than my eye could follow him. Edward turned quickly and looked down at me.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, of course… what was that?"
"Come with me."
He moved down the stairs and towards the front door. I followed, almost running to keep up as we began to walk towards the woods that surrounded the house. I looked over my shoulder as we went, but couldn't see any of the others watching. Edward stopped just a few metres into the trees before looking at me, his expression unhappy.
"Are you alright?"
"You already asked me that." I reminded him, "What was with Jasper?"
"Your scent…" His voice trailed away and he leant against a tree, looking perplexed. I looked down at myself in confusion, trying to subtly smell myself. Did I smell bad?
Edward noticed my sniffing and gave a faint smile, shaking his head as he ran a hand through his hair.
"You don't smell bad. Quite the opposite. Humans smell like blood, you see, but mixed with other scents designed to entice us to hunt." He explained slowly and I nodded my head in understanding, "But where your blood doesn't… there's no blood to hunt for so your scent is a lot stronger than a human's would be. It's… it's quite intoxicating."
I looked away, embarrassed. Fantastic. I smelt. OK, so maybe I didn't smell bad but it still wasn't a fabulous situation and now I was feeling pretty self-conscious. I wrapped my arms around my waist, chewing my lip. Edward was watching me, which did nothing to help the self-consciousness.
"Well, I guess I won't be playing hide-and-seek with vampires anytime soon." I said in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. He smiled faintly, still leaning against the tree. I chewed my lip before attempting to change the conversation.
"OK, it's payback time."
"Excuse me?"
"You're all getting ghost information, I want some vampire feedback." I said, moving to a fallen tree trunk and sitting on it, tucking my hands into the pocket of my hoodie. Edward looked at me for a long moment and I looked back, determined not to be shaken. He tilted his head slightly, considering me and I felt a strange sensation prickling in my ribcage but ignored it as he nodded.
"What would you like to know?"
~*~
We talked for a long time about the physical aspects of vampires. I learned about their transformation. I learned about venom. I learned that they were unbelievably fast, they had excellent senses and that there were very few things that could injure them.
"Other vampires and fire are the only real threats. But even then, it needs to be fire of tremendous proportions and we'd have to be injured enough not to be able to get away." Edward explained. He was sat on a tree trunk a few feet away, watching me closely for my reactions. I don't know if he was waiting for me to freak out again, but it was a little disconcerting. Even I was surprised at how calmly I was taking everything.
I leaned back, putting my hands on the rough bark of the tree trunk, thinking about what I'd learned. It was very dark now and it was only the paleness of Edward's skin that helped me to see him. He would be able to see me much more clearly than I could see him.
"You're very lucky." I said softly and his head moved a little. I had a feeling that he was smirking at me.
"Being a soulless, blood-drinking monster?"
"You're not soulless, Edward." I said quietly, "And putting aside your self-esteem issues, yes. You're lucky."
"How so?"
"You've got a family that obviously loves you. You've all got each other. That makes you pretty lucky." I said, looking up at the canopy of trees, for fear I would see pity in his eyes. I didn't want pity.
Edward didn't reply. Instead he got to his feet and gestured towards the house.
"Would you like to go back inside? It must be getting difficult for you to see."
"Yeah, I don't have night vision like some people." I said, standing as well and brushing dirt from the seat of my jeans as I stretched. A soft laugh escaped Edward and I looked at him sharply.
"What?"
"You have very human mannerisms."
"I didn't die and turn into a cat." I grinned, walking by his side over the large green lawn, "I'm still human, just a little less active in the heart department. Besides, I still feel like a human. I guess it's easier without all the superpowers."
"I guess so." He said in amusement as he opened the front door. Emmett was back on the sofa, Rosalie curled up next to him and watching as he played. Emmett grinned at us.
"Hey kids. Bella, you want to play?"
"I've never played." I said, a little shyly, "You'd kick my ass."
"I'd do that anyway." Emmett grinned and I looked up at Edward.
"Does super-vampire-speed and reflexes give him an advantage?"
"Yes."
I grinned at Emmett and reached for the controller that he held out before sitting on the thick rug in front of the TV screen. Emmett set the game going and within thirty seconds my player had been shot. I scowled and restarted as Edward moved to the armchair I'd been in earlier, watching as Emmett and I began to hunt down zombies.
I didn't even see the sun come up.
A/N: I know. I am update fail. My beta and I are both on school placements (trainee teachers) until the end of March. I AM trying to get chapters finished, but it's difficult, so I hope you'll bear with my crapness! I do occasionally witter on twitter about updates and such, so feel free to follow me, the link is at the top of my profile.
You're All I Have – Bella is starting to see that she needs the Cullens, despite the 'darkness deep in' them. So yay!
A minor whinge, because I'm a baby. I love you. Each and every one of you. You know this, I hope! But this story has over 6500 hits and only 180 reviews. This gives me a sad face. I would put the sad face right here, but ffnet would only remove it, lol. But imagine the sadness and leave a review to make the sadness go away. Mwah!
Smooches to Sarah the beta, for she is made of awesome.
Reviewers will receive their chosen Cullen/Werewolf and the use of Carlisle's office for 24 hours. That room is all the sexier, just for him having been in there.
Lots of love
Katie