In memory of Lisa . LASMKE. The fandom is a poorer place for having lost you.
Chapter 11
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
~Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield~
The Cullens didn't go to school that day, Thursday. When it was sunny, they went hunting together instead, so as the sun rose, I excused myself and began to walk home, letting the sun warm my skin. Alice had caught up with me before I left, looking sheepish. Edward had smirked and moved away, although I was fairly certain he was still listening.
"Bella… I wanted to say sorry about the whole clothes thing." Alice said, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet, "It's just how I show affection."
"By dressing people?"
"Fashion is a person-to-person responsibility, Bella." Alice grinned and then shrugged delicately, "Look, I can see the future and I can see that we're going to be really close friends. I get impatient waiting for things to happen when I know they're going to happen anyway, so sometimes I jump ahead a little but I forget that other people aren't there yet."
I could only imagine how frustrating that would be, waiting for something to happen that was already a sure thing. I frowned, chewing my lip.
"So, your visions always come true?" I asked and Alice looked at Edward with an impish grin.
"Most of the time. Unless someone changes their mind."
"What do you mean?"
"Well…" She tapped her chin lightly with a slender finger, "Say… oh, I don't know. That you were coming here tonight and you were bringing a book. Edward wants to borrow a book, maybe. I'd have a vision of you bringing a book. But then at the last minute, you'd decide that you were going to bring a CD instead. The future would change to you bringing a CD."
I took a moment to absorb this, leaning against the wall by the front door as Alice waited patiently.
"So the future depends on decisions?"
"Yes, on a very basic level. Sometimes you might make a decision that you think will change the future, but some visions are unchanging." She gave that grin again and I suspected that the littlest Cullen was hiding something. Edward made a noise, as though clearing his throat and Alice let out a tinkling laugh before smiling at me.
"Anyway, I'll try to let things happen at the normal pace, however frustratingly slow it is."
"Alice…" I ran a hand through my hair, "I mean… if changing my clothes is that important to you, it's no big deal. You just surprised me with it. I mean, I come to a house full of vampires and one wants to experiment on me and two minutes later, another one is trying to get me out of my clothes with no real explanation. It's not a normal situation."
"You're a ghost. Normal isn't exactly your forte."
"You're a vampire. You're not one to judge." I shot back and she laughed again, delighted at our repartee. Jasper appeared by her shoulder and he shot me a curious look. I remembered our weird moment on the stairs and swallowed. Was he uncomfortable around me? I wasn't feeling too good about him either, to be honest.
"We're setting off, Alice." He murmured to her and she nodded. I pushed myself off of the wall and gave them a smile.
"I'll see you another time."
"Tonight." Alice said firmly and I smirked at her.
"Did you decide that or did I?"
"It's no fun if I tell." She teased and I rolled my eyes, smiling. Edward was stood in the doorway to the living room, his brow furrowed in thought. I waved at him.
"Bye Edward. Say thanks to Emmett for me."
"Of course. Goodbye Bella."
Now I walked along the road back to town, taking my time. It was late January, so there was frost on the ground, reflecting in the sunlight. Charlie would have left for work already and I was shocked at how quickly the time had passed whilst I was with the Cullens. I decided to call in at school and see how Angela was. I'd been neglecting her, not that she'd notice.
I arrived in time for lunch and watched as she sat, eating slowly and listening to Jessica ramble on and on. Brave girl. But I couldn't be bothered with classes and went home instead, settling on 'Jeopardy' for some cheesy afternoon viewing.
I was nervous about going back to the Cullen house. I was pretty certain that Carlisle would want to start his experiments that night and although I had agreed to it, I wasn't sure what he would do first. But in a way, I was curious too. I didn't know what I was, why I existed. Getting some answers wouldn't be a bad thing, in my eyes.
Charlie came home at around six, fixing himself a steak and baked potato for dinner. I watched as he read the newspaper, grunting to himself at the bad news. I don't know why he read it; it only put him in a bad mood. As if to prove my point, he tossed it aside, frowning and put his plate in the sink before picking up the phone.
"Hi Billy… you want to head out to the lake this weekend? Mm hmm." He eyed the calendar, "I'm working Friday night, but we could head out early on Saturday. Jake coming? … He's a responsible kid, he'll be fine by himself."
He finished his conversation and went into the living room, situating himself in his favourite chair and turning on the television. I crossed to him and bent, brushing my lips over his forehead.
"Love you, Dad." I said softly. He shivered in response.
~*~
"Bella, have a seat." Carlisle said warmly, gesturing to the armchair opposite his desk. I walked over and perched on the edge uncertainly as he gestured to the strange looking medical equipment on his desk. The very sight of it made me nervous and I swallowed. He must have heard, because he smiled at me gently.
"There's no need to be nervous, Bella. We won't try anything too taxing today. I'd just like to get to know you a little better and get a couple of samples that I can study, if that's alright?"
"Sure thing." I said, a little cheerfully. My voice was pitched and I winced at the sound of it. Carlisle's smile widened slightly and he glanced over my head at the door. In an instant, Edward had appeared at his side.
"I asked Edward to join us, seeing as he has had the most interaction with you. I thought you might be more comfortable with someone you already know. The rest of the family are out hunting." He explained and I smiled at Edward before holding my hands up in a 'why not' gesture.
"Go for it, Doc." I said and this time I sounded less idiotic. Strangely enough, having Edward around did help. Carlisle picked up his notepad.
"You died ten years ago, correct?"
"Why are you writing?" I'd said it before I realised I'd spoken and they both looked at me strangely. I winced, "Sorry. It's just… well, don't you have super-vampire-memory?"
Carlisle laughed and Edward smiled down at the floor. Carlisle put the notepad down again.
"I find when I'm with patients, I act more… human. It relaxes them." He explained and I nodded in understanding.
"I get it. Well, don't worry about that, Doc, I'm as relaxed as I'm ever going to be."
I was sorely tempted to make a rigor-mortis joke, but I wasn't sure on the audience reception at this point, so I kept quiet.
"In that case, Bella, I'll get started sans notepad." Carlisle said and began firing question after question at me; when I was born (a long time ago), how I had died (didn't look both ways when crossing the street) and a multitude of other boring queries. It was like a trip to the doctors only with more questions about my demise. I gave as few details as possible, forcing myself to remember that I still didn't know these people.
Eventually Carlisle seemed satisfied with his gathered knowledge and turned to the desk, picking up what looked like a test tube. He looked slightly uncomfortable and I eyed him.
"Bella, this is where it gets a little… awkward."
"Come on, Doc, what do you need?" I said, hoping to relax him.
"A sample of your hair, if possible." He asked and I reached up, pulling out a single hair. It didn't fall out and it didn't grow, but it had been torn out on occasion by accident. It always seemed to have replenished within a few hours, but I'd never bothered to look into it further. What was the point? I couldn't have explained it but if Carlisle could, kudos to him.
I dropped the hair into the tube and he put the stopper back, placing it carefully in a rack of tubes before reaching for another.
"Fingernails?" He asked and I looked down at my bitten stubs. Damn, ten years and I still hadn't broken the habit. Taking his nail clippers, I managed to salvage a little bit of nail, apologising as I handed it back.
"I swear, I'll quit one of these days." Carlisle smiled and I glanced at Edward. He was frowning at the test tubes and I raised an eyebrow.
"Edward, are you alright?"
"Fine." He answered tersely and I dropped it, looking back at Carlisle. He was considering another test tube and glanced at Edward. Edward shook his head.
"No."
"It's rude to whisper." I said pointedly, "Or mind read. Whatever. Rude."
"He wants a sample of whatever it is that has replaced your blood." Edward said sharply, "I said no."
"Since when is it your choice?" I demanded, irritated by his attitude. Edward looked at me quickly and I frowned at him.
"Bella, whatever it is, it is extremely potent and attractive for our kind. Carlisle may have excellent resistance but the rest of us…" He looked uncomfortable and I looked down at my hands, examining the hints of blue vein that still showed through.
"The others aren't here, Edward. If it makes you that worried, why don't you step outside, just for a minute?" Carlisle suggested. Edward threw him a foul look but I stood, facing Edward.
"It'll only be a minute, right?"
"You can always run, Edward." Carlisle reminded him, "If it gets too much, just run."
He stared at us and then dropped his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and he stalked over to the window, jumping lithely from the ledge. I stared after him before looking back at Carlisle.
"Is he OK?"
"He'll be fine. He's not comfortable with these experiments anyway." Carlisle said and lifted a syringe. I looked at it for a moment before looking away. He would have to touch me and I was instantly afraid of it, less of the needle and more that bizarre sensation of skin on skin, of physical contact after so many years.
"Bella, if you don't want to-"
"Just do it." I cut him off, keeping my eyes fixed on the window that Edward had jumped out of.
Carlisle's fingers brushed over my arm, settling at the crease of my elbow and it was like an electric shock. I jumped, gasping and he apologised but I shook my head, still staring at the window. The prick of the needle made me wince and I closed my eyes. I felt Carlisle stiffen, just for half a second before he pulled the needle away. I looked up quickly and watched as he placed the dark red contents of the syringe into a test tube. I stared at it.
"That's blood."
"No… no, it's not." Carlisle murmured, examining it through the glass, "It may have been once, but it's… dead."
"Does it smell? Like Edward said?" I asked, looking down at my elbow. The mark where the needle had entered my skin had already begun to fade.
"It is very potent. I'll take it over to the hospital now. No need to keep it here where it might be an unnecessary temptation." Carlisle said in a business-like tone. I could tell he was being a little too efficient, that he was uncomfortable with the proximity to my whatever-it-was. I watched as the test tubes disappeared into the bag before pulling one of my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on it.
"Doc?"
"Yes, Bella?" He looked up and I met his eye, my chest tightening. I hugged my knee to my chest, swallowing hard.
"I don't know if I should be here." I said softly, "Whatever that stuff is… it upset Jasper. Edward doesn't want to come near it. Maybe I shouldn't come here anymore."
Carlisle paused for a moment before moving to sit on the edge of his desk, leaning down so that his face was level with mine. I looked at his disturbingly handsome face, the pale golden eyes searching mine closely. I felt tears well up and buried my face in my hands, giving a choked laugh to cover the stressful emotions that were storming through me.
"Sorry. I just…" I shook my head, wiping away the tears quickly, ashamed of my reaction. Carlisle didn't reply, but there was a very faint crease between his brows as he watched me. I took a deep breath and shook my head again.
"I am sorry. I'm being an emotional wreck."
"A perfectly understandable reaction, seeing what you've been through in the last week or so. Not to mention ten years of isolation before that. I don't think any of us have stopped to consider how you might be feeling; we were just so pleased to meet you, Alice and Edward especially."
He paused and reached into his pocket, pulling out a handkerchief. Why he had a handkerchief, I wasn't quite sure, seeing as he wouldn't need one personally. Unless he kept them on hand for over-emotional ghost girls. I wiped my tears away, sniffling slightly.
"God, I'm a mess." I muttered, "But I mean it, Doc. I don't want to make things awkward around here. Jasper was totally freaking out yesterday and I don't think Rosalie likes me either."
"Jasper has had trouble adjusting to our way of life, Bella, and as I said, your… essence, for lack of a better word, is particularly enticing. But he was able to resist, which just shows that he is coming along better than he was before. And as for Rosalie…" He looked hesitant, "Rosalie can be difficult. She cares for her family a great deal and doesn't like the prospect of anything upsetting the balance."
"I don't just upset the balance. I kick the balance over. The balance is rolling away, down the hill towards the pier." I said dramatically and he smiled, leaning back and examining me as I lowered my feet to the ground.
"She'll come around."
"How long are you guys staying in Forks, anyway?" I asked curiously and Carlisle stroked his chin thoughtfully.
"We usually manage at least five years in one place. Edward and Alice are posing as juniors, so they still have another year and half here. Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett are seniors, so they'll graduate again at the end of this school year. I know that Rosalie and Emmett wanted to take a little time away from the family, they'll spend a few months travelling and meeting with some friends of ours. Jasper will occupy himself for a year and then he, Alice and Edward will probably go off to college again. They'll do three year degrees and then we'll meet up and start again somewhere new. They started high school later this time because Rosalie and Emmett want to get away, but they need some time to plan it."
I was awed by the amount of consideration they had to put into each move of their lives. Most people couldn't cope with organising one lifetime and the Cullens had done it a dozen times or more. I pushed my hair out of my face, gazing at him.
"Wow… that's pretty impressive."
"After a few times, it becomes routine." He said as he lifted the bag of samples and gestured towards the door, "The others are on their way back, I can hear them. Why don't we go downstairs to wait?"
"Sure." I stood, walking around the chair but Carlisle stopped by the door, looking back at me.
"Bella, you would be welcome to come with us when we leave. As I said, we'll be here in Forks for around five years."
I stared at him for a moment before dropping my eyes to the floor.
"I can't leave my father. He's all alone."
"He's alone even when you're with him, Bella. Are you sure you're not just hurting yourself further by staying with him?" Carlisle suggested gently and I wrapped my arms around my waist, frowning at the plush carpet.
A weight settled on my shoulder and I blinked before looking up quickly. Carlisle's hand rested on me, gentle and unassuming. I mouthed wordlessly as shivers ran down my arm, less shocking than before but I was still alarmingly sensitive to touch. However, this was a gesture of comfort from someone who seemed to care and I accepted it wordlessly, hoping he understood how I felt. I think he did, because he patted my shoulder very lightly before opening the door and letting me walk through.
Sure enough, the rest of the family were waiting downstairs. Alice was perched on Jasper's knee, chatting away cheerfully to Rosalie and Esme, who were both smiling. Emmett and Edward were stood in the doorway, talking quietly and Emmett started laughing as Edward rolled his eyes. They all looked around as we came downstairs and Carlisle said his goodbyes, saying that he was going to the hospital for a little while. I hesitated by the stairs and he looked down at me before giving me a knowing smile.
"Don't fret about anything, Bella. Just take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon."
"Thanks, Doc." I mumbled as he kissed Esme goodbye and disappeared. Alice beamed at me and waved me over to sit in an empty chair. I obeyed, sitting awkwardly and Alice giggled.
"You look so uncomfortable."
"No, I'm fine." I said quickly and Rosalie eyed me, a faint sneer about her mouth.
"Why do you have Carlisle's handkerchief?"
I hadn't even realised the piece of cloth was still clutched in my hand. I looked at it and swallowed hard before smiling weakly.
"Oh, I just… uh…" I struggled for an explanation. Actually Rosalie, I just had an emotional breakdown in your dad's office because I can't come to terms with the fact that for the first time in a decade I have people to talk to, potential friends, but at the same time I don't want to get too close because you're leaving in a few years and I'll be all alone again.
"It wasn't important. I forgot to give it back." I finished instead. Edward was frowning, not angrily but in concern, as were Alice and Esme. I folded the handkerchief, avoiding their eyes and Emmett chuckled.
"Ghost Girl, you're making me all kinds of jittery with your nerves. Relax, would you?"
"I happen to be perfectly at ease in a houseful of vampires, thank you very much. If there was an exorcist here, then I might start to worry." I said in a snarky tone and Emmett cracked up laughing, as did Alice, Esme and Jasper. Rosalie simply looked at me for a moment before turning her face away.
Edward was watching me with a bemused expression and I met his eye sheepishly before looking down at the handkerchief, matching the corners up neatly as I finished folding it into a perfect square. Alice spoke, catching my attention.
"Bella, what are you doing this weekend?"
"The usual. Read, watch TV, hope Dad doesn't come back smelling too much like fish. Normal ghostly activities." I said and she beamed at me.
"Come for a sleepover!"
"Alice, we don't sleep."
"The sentiment remains. We still don't know enough about each other and since you're insisting on doing this the long way instead of just trusting me on the fact that we're going to be friends, we need to put a little time and effort in." She said firmly and I couldn't help laughing slightly at her.
"Uh, OK… I need to see if Dad's going to be around for the weekend, but I'm pretty sure that he's taking off with Billy Black for a fishing trip." I said, trying to remember. I thought I'd seen him get his fishing gear out from under the stairs that morning to clean it. They'd probably take off early on Saturday morning and come back Sunday afternoon. Usually on those weekends I got some laundry done and cleaned the house a little.
God, I was boring.
"Well, we've got all night. I vote for a marathon round of Zombie Slayer." Emmett cracked his knuckles and I pulled a face.
"Emmett, you're only saying that because you know you're going to beat me."
"That's because you're the only one he can beat." Jasper drawled, "Even Edward can beat him and he hardly ever plays."
I looked at Edward in surprise. He didn't seem the kind to play videogames at all and he seemed to understand my astonishment because he gave me a soft smile.
"It's amusing to watch Emmett suffer."
"Man, come on…" Emmett whined, "Let me play her. I'll return her safe and sound in one piece. My ego needs the boost!"
"Gee, thanks!" I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at him, "Way to make me feel inadequate, Emmett!"
"Come on, Ghost Girl! One round, that's all I'm asking!"
I stared at him for a moment before considering the situation, chewing my lip as I examined the ceiling. Eventually I felt a smile spread across my face and I grinned at Emmett. He looked back warily.
"Why don't I like that expression?"
"Years of wisdom. OK, Muscles, I'll make you a deal." I said and shifted on my chair so I was facing him directly, "We'll play in teams. Me and Edward versus you and someone of your choosing. If my team wins, you don't get to call me Ghost Girl, Casper or any other cute little ghost-related nickname."
"And if my team wins?" Emmett demanded and I shrugged.
"Choose a prize."
He grinned and Edward let out a groan.
"Bella…"
"No, Edward, let him choose." I said and Emmett chuckled loudly.
"Spooks, if I win… you let Alice dress you up. Here and now, in as many outfits as she likes."
Damn. He was good.
I considered him for a moment before looking at Alice.
"Can you see who's going to win?"
"Not yet. It all depends on decisions you make whilst playing." She assured me and I looked at Edward who nodded.
"She's telling the truth." He promised and I smiled.
"Think we can win?"
"I wouldn't let you down." He said quietly and we stared at each for a moment before the sound of Emmett slotting the game in caught my attention. Esme stood, excusing herself.
"I prefer not to hear the foul language that Emmett will inevitably come out with." She explained with a smile. Emmett handed a controller to Edward, one to me, one to Rosalie and took one himself. Rosalie sighed.
"This is so childish."
"Lighten up, babe." Emmett kissed her cheek with a grin, "Think how much fun it will be to have a hyper vampire making a ghost cry."
She smirked in my direction, but it seemed a little cold. I ignored her, picking up the controller and looking at Edward. He was stood beside my chair, flicking through the game options to find a scenario.
"You realise I'm going to suck at this and you'll end up doing all the work." I said quietly and he gave me a sideways smile, tapping the buttons expertly.
"Just let me work, Bella. I'll win."
"You seem pretty confident." I said, settling cross-legged in the chair, clutching the smooth plastic of the controller and he looked at me full on this time, his eyes dark with some emotion that I didn't recognise.
"You trusted me to win this for you."
"Yeah." I said, looking up at him, trying to understand his expression, "I guess I did."
"C'mon, kids. I don't have all night to kick your butts, Alice will need to get organising outfits soon." Emmett jeered and I scowled at him.
"Bring it on, Muscles." I said, flexing my arms as I focused on the screen.
We won, but only just. Rosalie and Emmett spent more time arguing, ("Get out of my way, dumbass!" "Woman, will you just shoot the damn thing?!"). Contrary to this, Edward and I didn't say a word to each other, but I hung back and let Edward work his magic, shooting zombies left, right and centre. I managed to take out one myself, but since the game was over in a matter of minutes, I couldn't really have done much more. The words 'Game Over' flashed up and I grinned over at a sulking Emmett.
"Deals a deal, Muscles."
"Not until we shake on it, Ghost Girl." He smirked and I stiffened. Edward looked at him sharply.
"Emmett…"
"Your choice, Spooks." Emmett smiled and held out his massive hand to me. It was so much bigger than Carlisle's. It could crush mine in an instant, could mangle my bones. Would they repair? I didn't have any experience with this. When you can walk through solid objects, hurting yourself on them becomes a non-issue and now this solid, powerful vice-like hand was prepared to take mine. The sensation of skin contact faded to the realisation that this could hurt.
"Bella?"
Edward's voice sliced through the haze of thoughts again and I blinked. I was still staring at Emmett's hand. Edward moved to my side and I twisted my head to look up at him. He was gazing at me in concern. He cared way too much about making sure I was comfortable. I wondered, for a moment, why.
"Bella, you don't have to do anything you don't want to."
But I did. I didn't want to risk my hand being smushed into smithereens but I needed to do this. Carlisle would have me doing all kinds of things and if I didn't get over this stupid fear now, maybe I never would.
Why did it have to be the biggest, strongest vampire in the house, though?
I let out a deep, whistling breath and held out my hand toward Emmett. Not quite the same as putting it in his, but the sentiment was there. Emmett gazed at me for a moment and I saw a strange wisdom in his eyes before he cracked a smile and took my small hand in his with an unexpected gentleness that belied his size. The sensation shivered through me, less severe than before, at our contact. Each time, it was less painful, less intense. I felt more human with each touch and I gave a satisfied sigh. Emmett chuckled, shaking our joined hands.
"Good job, sweetpea."
"Hey, you were supposed to quit with the nicknames." I said sternly and Emmett gave a slightly evil grin.
"You said, and I quote, that I don't get to call you Ghost Girl, Casper or any other cute little ghost-related nickname. Standard nicknames still apply."
I stared at him and then at Edward for confirmation. He was smiling and I groaned, running my hands through my hair as I pushed it out of my face.
"Damn… you are good, Emmett."
"Don't I know it, cutie-pie." He grinned, settling back and putting his arm around Rosalie who was still looking at me with that cold, calculating expression.
I decided that I quite liked Emmett.
A/N: Last week, an author in this fandom passed away. LASMKE (Lisa) was a hugely talented writer, a hilarious woman and one of the friendliest people I've ever spoken to. As is the way in these circumstances, I wish we'd talked more. Lisa's stories and livejournal have now been removed by her family and I'm sure we will all miss her and her words.
RIP Lisa.