Chapter 13

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

~It's Not Easy To Be Me by David Gray~

There are a lot of things I don't understand about life. I don't know how crop circles are made. I don't know how birds fly south for the winter and then always find their way home. I don't understand how anyone thought that 'The Da Vinci Code' was real.

And I sure as hell didn't understand how Tyler Crowley was talking to me.

"Who are you?" He asked and my eyes widened, my body tensing against his.

Then he blinked and it was as if I'd turned to air, because his hands slid through me and his eyes darted around as though searching for me. I blinked too and hesitantly lifted a hand to touch his cheek. My fingers slipped through his skin and he shivered.

In an instant I had jumped off of him and backed away as people began to run towards him. Tyler was still staring around and began to clamber to his feet, eyes searching the crowd for me.

I turned and looked towards the Cullens. Or who was left. Alice and Jasper were nowhere to be seen. Rosalie, Emmett and Edward were watching, as still as statues. I stumbled towards them, still staring over my shoulder at Tyler, who was being forced to sit down by Mr Lewis as he looked around desperately. Distantly, I could hear sirens and knew that someone must have called an ambulance. Edward's hand went to my shoulder, steadying me.

"He was supposed to die." Edward murmured in my ear, his breath cool, "That's what Alice saw. He was going to die."

"Alice…?"

"She took Jasper away. Too many emotions and Tyler's blood was upsetting him."

"He saw me, Edward." I hissed and stared up at him, wide-eyed, "He saw me. Just for a moment, but he definitely did."

"He touched you as well." Emmett said quietly, glancing at us. "We could see his hands on your arms."

I rubbed the spots were Tyler's hands had gripped me tightly and shivered. This was insane. Another cosy fact of my insane afterlife gone to pot.

Rosalie turned away from the scene of destruction before us and gave us all a cool stare.

"You need to talk to Carlisle." She said calmly.

~*~

Alice must have warned Carlisle that we were on our way because Edward's phone began to buzz as we sped away from school. Rosalie and Emmett were running back to the Cullen house.

"Carlisle." Edward answered, listened briefly and then hung up, indicating left. I sat up sharply.

"Where are we going?"

"Forks General. Carlisle wants us to meet him there, he has some test results from the samples you gave." Edward said abruptly. I stared at him for a moment before slumping back in the seat.

Test results. Conclusive evidence to prove what the hell I was. Or maybe he hadn't found anything. Would that be better? I wasn't sure anymore.

"Bella?" He spoke quietly and I looked across at him, biting my lip. He glanced away from the road to meet my eyes. "Don't be afraid of what Carlisle has to say. He's good at what he does and he will do anything he can to help you."

"You can't know that, Edward." I said quietly, watching as he turned his face back to the front, "What if it's bad news? What if there's something wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you." His hands tightened on the wheel.

"I'm a ghost, Edward. I'm certainly not right." I reminded him, "And I'm not thinking about it yet. There's too much happening…"

My voice faded away and I stared out of the window. The scenery blurred past, a flashing of grey and green.

"How could he have seen me? Touched me?" I whispered and Edward shook his head.

"I don't know, but I could hear his thoughts."

"What was he thinking?"

"He thought you were an angel." Edward said quietly. I blinked at him and then sighed, sliding down in my seat and running my hands through my hair. Part of me wanted to laugh hysterically at the idea of me being an angel.

Another part of me was panicking about what Carlisle was going to tell me.

~*~

Carlisle's office was so perfectly decorated that I couldn't help but wonder if Esme had gotten her hands on it somehow. It was tasteful and personal, yet professional. Edward and I took our seats in front of the desk that Carlisle was sat behind.

"Bella, are you alright? Alice called ahead to let me know that you were involved in an accident." He said concernedly and I glanced at Edward before nodding.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine."

"The Tyler boy saw and touched her." Edward said bluntly and Carlisle's eyes flicked between us. I chewed my lip uncertainly.

"Yeah. And that happened." I mumbled. Edward began to relay the story to Carlisle as I waited nervously. When Edward had finished, Carlisle nodded and then looked at me.

"Tyler is in the Emergency Room at the moment, having some x-rays. We'll see how he's doing in a little while, but first I want to go over the results of your tests."

I hunched back in the chair, drawing my knees up under my chin. Both of them were watching with unreadable expressions and I took a deep breath.

"Lay it on me, Doc. No point beating around the bush." I mumbled and Carlisle walked around the desk, sitting on the edge of it as he picked up a folder labelled GG1.

"GG?"

"Ghost Girl. Emmett's influence, I'm afraid." Carlisle smiled and I rolled my eyes as he opened it. "Unfortunately, much of what I hoped to investigate was inconclusive. The hair and nail samples that you gave me disintegrated less than a day after you gave them."

"Why didn't you ask for more?" I enquired.

"I will be, but I was more preoccupied with examining the essence you gave me."

"The blood? What did you find?" I sat up straight and Carlisle nodded.

"Not blood. It looks like blood at first sight, but it isn't made up of cells and platelets, like blood is."

"What is it then?" My voice was shrill and Edward stood, moving to stand by my chair as Carlisle spoke again.

"It's… it's like nothing I've seen before. They way it makes you up is similar to the way venom makes up vampires, replacing the bodily fluids, but it's not as… damaging as venom. It's more of an energy source. But I'd like to run further tests on it, specifically examining the reaction between the essence and venom."

"What for?" I said, slightly alarmed. Edward's head jerked slightly and he frowned. Carlisle gave him a sharp look before returning his gaze to me.

"I'll be blunt. We've had one close call with Jasper and as I've already said, your essence is enticing to our kind. If the worst came to the worst and you were bitten, I want to know how that would affect you."

This made sense and I looked at Edward. He seemed upset and I frowned before looking back at the Doc.

"Do you think essence would react the same way as blood? Is it sort of the same?"

"Honestly, Bella…" Carlisle shook his head, looking slightly frustrated, "I don't know what the essence is. Not in all my years have I seen anything like this. I've never even seen a ghost before, it's not like I can enquire to others of our kind, because there are simply no previous records."

I sat, staring at him for a moment before dropping my eyes to the floor, frowning in concentration. I had never seen another ghost before. Was it really possible that I was the only one?

"I can't be…" I murmured and they both looked around at me.

"What, Bella?" Carlisle asked gently and I shook my head.

"I'm no one. I'm not special, not at all. So how can I be the only one? Even my death was mundane. I got hit by a car for god's sake." I said disbelievingly, "Why am I still here? It doesn't make sense!"

I slumped in the chair, my legs falling to the ground again as I frowned. Carlisle shook his head.

"I wish I could give you answers, Bella. Perhaps…"

"No." Edward said sharply, "Certainly not." His eyes were almost glowing with anger as his entire body tensed. I looked from one vampire to the other, both tense as they faced each other. After a long moment, Carlisle seemed to give in.

"Very well. It was just a thought."

"What thought?" I asked sharply. It irritated me no end when they did this and Edward looked slightly apologetic.

"Carlisle was contemplating approaching the Volturi."

"The who?"

"The Volturi are a vampire coven in Italy. They are… I suppose you could call them the vampire law enforcers. They are some of the oldest and most knowledgeable vampires in existence and have access to resources that I can only dream of." Carlisle explained. Edward narrowed his eyes.

"They are also ruthless and wouldn't hesitate to destroy us if they suspected you might reveal our secret. Of course, they may just decide that you could be a valuable asset to them and take you away for their own investigation."

Fear filled me instantly, ice cold and prickling. Someone might take me away? Away from Charlie? From Edward and Alice? Or would they just destroy the Cullens, like Edward had said?

"Wh-what? Carlisle, no, you can't! You can't let them find out anything that might make them hurt you or the others!" I said loudly and then jumped as the door opened. Rosalie closed the door behind her, looking irritable.

"At least she's talking sense."

"Rosalie, you should be at school." Carlisle said dryly.

"So should Edward." Rosalie pointed out before shrugging, "Alice called. She wasn't able to get through to either of you. She saw a problem with Tyler, apparently he's going to talk about how a mysterious girl pulled him from the van."

Edward thought for a moment before shaking his head.

"We can deal with that. The side of the van that he came out of was facing us. We would have been the only ones to see him land."

"Whatever. Just passing on the message. And," Her cold eyes met mine with a look that let me knew exactly how little she thought of me, "If you're going to be making a habit of doing stupid things, a little warning would be nice. We're trying to keep a low profile here."

Anger boiled low in my stomach and I stood, folding my arms over my chest as I glared at her.

"Fine, Rosalie. Next time I'll let him die, does that suit you? I just figured that being a Vege-Vamp, you had a little more consideration for human life, but maybe not."

Instantly Edward had pushed me behind him as Carlisle moved forward to grasp Rosalie's arm. Rage flooded her expression and she looked as though she was about to fly across the room at me. I should have been afraid. She could rip me limb from limb. But I wasn't. I was angry. I was sick of her treating me like crap and I was sick of not knowing why.

"Forget it, Edward. I'm out of here." I said bitterly and strode past them to an adjoining wall, moving out into the corridor. In an instant Carlisle was at my side, walking with me.

"Stay with me, Bella. I don't know why Tyler could see you, but if anyone else does, I want to be there when it happens. This could be dangerous for you." He said softly and I didn't argue. Somehow, instead of at the exit, we ended up in the Emergency Room. Tyler was sat on a gurney, scowling at the floor. Carlisle gave me a glance before moving forward, picking up his chart.

"How are you feeling, Tyler?"

"I've got a headache, but pretty OK." He mumbled and Carlisle smiled, glancing through the chart.

"The x-rays came back clean, no breaks. You have a mild concussion, probably caused when you landed out of the van. You were lucky you did, I imagine. From what I hear, the van is something of a write-off." He said lightly and Tyler shifted in his seat, his hands clenched into fists in his lap. Carlisle took in his posture and replaced the chart slowly.

"Is there anything wrong, Tyler?" He asked and Tyler looked up, meeting his eyes. Carlisle had such a warm, open personality that I wasn't surprised at what happened next.

"Doctor Cullen… something really weird happened." He said quietly and Carlisle sat down in the uncomfortable looking chair by the bed, keeping eye contact with Tyler as an invitation to continue.

"What was it?"

"I didn't throw myself out of the van. Somebody pulled me out."

"You had a passenger?" The concern in Carlisle's voice was so earnest that I was almost convinced by his questioning but Tyler shook his head, looking nervous.

"No… that's the thing. I was driving by myself and when the van began to slide, I was trying to get control. And then this girl appeared."

His voice faded away and colour filled his cheeks with embarrassment. Carlisle tilted his head, the epitome of the caring, understanding Doc. Tyler heaved a deep breath.

"I don't know. It sounds crazy but she just… appeared in front of me, just in my lap and undid my seatbelt and pulled me out of the van."

"Was she someone you went to school with?"

"I've never seen her before in my life." Tyler insisted, "But she disappeared!"

"She left after you landed?"

"No… she disappeared. One minute she was right there and I was holding her and the next… poof." Tyler waved his hands and I couldn't help snorting.

"Poof? I've never poofed in my life!" I muttered and Carlisle's eyes flickered briefly in amusement before he straightened in his seat.

"Tyler, you do have a concussion and, no doubt, post traumatic stress."

"I didn't imagine it, Doctor Cullen." He said abruptly and then looked around as there was a knock at the door. Edward was stood there, Rosalie nowhere in sight.

"Tyler, how are you feeling? I saw the accident, it looked terrible." He said, his voice full of emotion that seemed remarkably immature from his usually old tones. Tyler shrugged, giving him a half-grin.

"Not too bad, man."

"Edward, you say you saw the accident?" Carlisle asked and I realised what they were doing and sat on a nearby bed to watch the show. Edward nodded and smiled at Tyler encouragingly. I could practically see the testosterone.

"I did. I was stood with Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie when the van came around. Tyler did an amazing dive out of the driver side door; it was like something on television."

"You must have seen her then!" Tyler said happily and Edward paused, blinking in confusion.

"Her?"

"The girl who pulled me out of the van, Edward. Hot girl, long brown hair, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt." Tyler looked so hopeful that I felt a little bad for him. Edward pursed his lips and shook his head, hands stuffed in his trouser pockets.

"Sorry, Tyler. I didn't see anyone. Are you… OK?" He looked at Carlisle with an uncertain expression that was so perfectly human that I had to smile. Tyler looked obstinately from one to the other.

"I know what I saw, Doctor Cullen."

"Tyler, perhaps we should organise for you to stay overnight. Maybe send for an MRI. If you're hallucinating-"

"Overnight?" Tyler visibly deflated and his mouth formed a pout, "Geez, do I have to? I mean…" He sighed heavily and Edward winked briefly in my direction.

"It would be for the best." Carlisle said and Tyler scratched his head.

"No… you're probably right, I did just imagine it. It's probably that stress thing."

"Post traumatic stress. Well, if you're sure that you don't want to stay overnight, then I'll let your parents know they can take you home and give them some instructions."

Carlisle handed him a leaflet, detailing the symptoms of shock and concussion and Edward turned to the door as Rosalie came in.

"Alice called again. Everything's fine now." She told Carlisle before glancing at Tyler. Her expression was unreadable and Edward looked at her pointedly.

"Anything else, Rosalie?"

"No." She said icily but was interrupted before anyone else could speak by a new voice at the door

"Sure is busy in here."

Charlie entered the room, in full uniform with his hat tucked under his arm. Edward looked at me quickly but I leant back on the bed, watching as he smiled at everyone.

"Just wanted to check up on Tyler. I had your van taken away, you'll probably be needing a new one."

"Think you can convince my parents to get me one, Chief?" Tyler grinned and Charlie chuckled. The sound made me smile. He was so different at work, full of confidence and satisfaction.

"Try getting a job, kid. I guess I don't need to ask if he's going to be OK, Doctor Cullen."

"He'll be right as rain, Chief Swan. It's very considerate of you to come down here, especially for something so mundane." Carlisle said kindly and I noticed the light dim in Charlie's eyes a little.

"Nothing mundane about a car accident, Doc." He said quietly, "I lost my daughter in a car crash."

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see that haunted look in his eyes again. Carlisle apologised but Charlie waved it away. I slid off the bed and leant against the wall, watching as he spoke to Tyler, getting a brief statement.

"Well, just you go carefully next time, Tyler." Charlie said, "It's OK to be a little late if it keeps you safe."

"Sure thing, Chief." Tyler nodded and Carlisle looked at Rosalie and Edward.

"You should both get to school."

"You kids need a ride?" Charlie asked but Edward shook his head.

"I brought my car."

"I'll walk with you out to the parking lot then. Good to see you again, Doctor Cullen." Charlie nodded to him and began to walk with Rosalie and Edward outside. Carlisle murmured my name and I stopped, turning back to him. He glanced at the door and I followed him out and to his office. The window overlooked the parking lot and I saw Charlie talking to Rosalie and Edward before climbing into the cruiser and pulling away. Edward began the walk to his car but Rosalie stood for a moment, staring after my father before following him.

I narrowed my eyes. I didn't like that Rosalie was paying attention to Charlie, it didn't sit well with me. As the silver Volvo pulled away, I looked at Carlisle.

"What's Rosalie's deal? Edward said she doesn't like being a vampire, but there's got to be more to it than that."

"Rosalie… has had difficulty coming to terms with her change. It happened amidst some dreadful circumstances and she has remained bitter. But it's not my story to tell, Bella." Carlisle said and I saw that he was putting out some more test tubes.

"More samples?"

"If you don't mind." He began, but paused as his beeper went. He checked it and then frowned, "Excuse me, Bella. This is one of my patients who has been going downhill."

"Of course." I stood and followed as he left the office and moved down the corridor to an elevator. We rode up in silence to the second floor and I walked by his side as he went to enter a private room. He paused, one hand on the handle and checked to make sure that we were alone.

"Roger was recently transferred here from an Elderly Persons home in Port Angeles. He doesn't have long. Perhaps you'd be more at ease out here." He murmured but I shook my head.

"It doesn't bother me, Carlisle." He nodded and I followed him into the room. It was an average hospital room, complete with clinical, cold smell. There had clearly been no visitors here, although on the bedside table stood a cheap greetings card. In the bed lay an old man, his gnarled hands laying on his chest as he looked up at the ceiling. A nurse handed Carlisle a chart, blushing slightly before excusing herself. Carlisle smiled warmly.

"Hello Roger. How are you feeling?"

"Red hot, Doctor Cullen." Roger gave a weak smile. His rheumy blue eyes settled on Carlisle, blinking slowly. "Is it a nice day?"

"Cold. It will snow again, I think. How is the pain today?" Carlisle said, moving to examine the machine hooked up to the old man.

"Not too bad." Roger said, his voice coarse. I chewed my lip anxiously. He looked so weak, as though any sudden movement would cause his skin and flesh to crumble to dust. It was terrible in the light of Carlisle's beauty, so clear and strong and permanent. Why should some live and others die?

Why was I still here?

"New nurse, Doctor Cullen?" Roger asked after a long moment. Carlisle glanced at the door.

"Sally? No, she's been here for some time. You've met her before."

"Not old Sal, Doctor Cullen. Pretty little thing by the door. Showing her the ropes, are you?"

Carlisle and I were both silent. I knew, without looking, that I was the only female in the room.

Roger could see me. And now I was terrified. I wanted to back away, to slide through the wall and disappear. But I couldn't, not with Roger watching. I looked at Carlisle desperately and he gazed back before giving me a calming smile.

"This is Bella, Roger. She's a friend of my family." He said quietly and Roger smiled feebly.

"Nice to meet you, Bella. Couldn't pour me some water, could you?" I looked from the jug of water to Carlisle, who was watching intently. Slowly I lifted the jug and poured shakily, a couple of drops splashing onto my fingers. Roger was propped up against a few pillows and he smiled again as I handed him the glass, his fingers burning hot against my icy touch.

"You're frozen, young Bella. Bad circulation?" He asked with a smile, sipping the water.

Bad? Try nonexistent. Ha.

"Yeah." I said, oh-so-coherently. Roger sipped the water again as Carlisle adjusted his medication drip but even that small action seemed to tire him out because he handed the water back to me and leaned back, closing his eyes.

"Not long now, Doctor Cullen." He murmured, his voice creaking with age and exhaustion. Carlisle looked at him with gentle eyes and I felt tears pricking at my own. Roger caught sight of them and gave another heartbreakingly shallow smile.

"No tears, young Bella. Everyone dies, you know."

"I know." I whispered.

Slowly I inched my fingers forward, sliding them over Roger's hand. His skin was soft and fragile, as though it would tear like tissue paper and I was careful not to apply too much pressure, but he gave my fingers a soft squeeze before falling asleep.

~*~

"How long does he have?" I asked Carlisle as we settled back in his office. Carlisle took the test tube containing my hair and shook his head.

"A few weeks. Maybe less. He won't be in pain though. We're giving him enough medication to keep him from hurting."

"Why could he see me, Carlisle?" I asked softly and Carlisle put the test tube in the rack before meeting my eye.

"I believe it is because he's dying. We can see you and we are dead. Roger can see you and he is dying. Tyler could see you because he was about to die and when you stopped that from happening, you disappeared to him again."

I sat in silence, contemplating this. It made sense. I was trapped in no man's land between living and dying, but without the perks of having a corporeal body, like the Cullens. I rested my head on my arm, leaning on the arm of the chair as Carlisle labelled the samples.

After a few minutes of silence, Carlisle looked down at me, with a strange expression of affection in his eyes.

"Bella, you don't need to worry. Whatever I find… it will work itself out."

"I don't know if I want to know, Doc." I murmured, staring at the rack of tubes. "Maybe it's better not to, you know? I mean… am I going to feel better for knowing why I'm here? Or what if you find a way for me to… move on? I don't know if I want that either. That would be like dying all over again."

"Did you attend church when you were alive, Bella?"

I blinked at the sudden change of subject. Carlisle was resting his hands in his lap and watching me closely. I shook my head and he gave a small smile.

"I consider myself a religious man. Edward scorns this, he doesn't believe that God listens to our kind, but I don't think He would turn his back on someone who needs him."

I desperately wanted to make a snarky comment, to joke away my uncomfortable feelings, but he was so sincere that I couldn't do it. Not to Doc, not when he was trying to comfort me.

Carlisle tilted his head, examining my face. He had the same gift as Edward at making me feeling utterly exposed under his gaze but I tried not to show how uncomfortable I was.

"Whatever has happened was foreordained, and what happens to a person was also foreknown. It is useless for him to argue with God about his fate because God is more powerful than he is. Ecclesiastes six, ten." He said softly, "Alice likes to think that she sees everything, but you are an exception to that rule. Therefore, there must be one who sees you and He has his own plan."

"You really believe that, Carlisle?" I asked, not wanting to be rude, but genuinely needing to know, "With everything else happening in the world, you think he's keeping an eye on me of all people?"

"Of all people, you deserve more care." Carlisle replied instantly. I scoffed, shaking my head and he leaned forward, placing a hand on my arm with a determined expression.

"Bella, your future is with us. We won't be here for more than a few years before we have to leave, but wherever we go, whenever you decide to leave Forks… you can come to us. We'll always leave you a way to contact us, we'll come back for you if you need us. And I'm not saying this because Alice thinks it will happen, but because I have my own feelings about you." He said and I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him.

For crying out freakin' loud, I'd gone from freaking out over a handshake to full-on hug mode in less than two months. What kind of crazy hormonal ghost was I? Geez…

Luckily, I restrained myself and Carlisle smiled, patting my hand before straightening.

"Now, I suggest you get yourself to school." He said kindly, "And I'll see you tonight. If you're up to it after today, I'd like to test another theory."

"Anything for you, Doc." I said, not sure he understood just how much I meant that.

A/N: Hello darlings. Long time, no see! Again, I know this wait was far too long but I'm going to need just a little more patience, please. I'm starting ANOTHER placement tomorrow, for four weeks, as is my beta so whilst we will try our best to update in a timely fashion, please be understanding!

You are fantabulous people. Your reviews make me far happier than is sensible or right! LOVE YOU!!

It's Not Easy Being Me – Bella is doubting how special she actually is and why she of all people is stuck being a ghost, especially now that everything she thought she understand about her afterlife is changing.

Smooches to Sarah, for she is made of awesomesauce! Send your love and Carlisle's to her!

Reviewers will receive their chosen Cullen/Werewolf and the back seat of Edward's Volvo. Just don't tell him.

Love

Katie