Chapter Nineteen

I'm running out of patience

Cos I can't believe what the hell
I'm hearing
And speaking of hell
It don't compare to this heat
That I am feeling
I love you too much
It shows
All my emotions go
Out of control
Good for you bad for me
When I can hardly see
From the tears that flow

Can't forget to breathe slow

~Breathe Slow by Alesha Dixon~

I stared up at Jacob. He was watching me, his eyes fixed on me, waiting for my answer. His hands were almost unbearably hot on my shoulders and I let my head drop, unable to take the piercing, knowing gaze that was far too knowledgeable for his youth. I didn't like it. I didn't like that little Jacob Black wasn't so… little.

His expression changed imperceptibly and I panicked, stepping back and shrugging his hands from my shoulders. This was weird. This was Jacob. I turned away so that I wouldn't have to see his expression, and he sighed.

"You know me, Bella. I wouldn't hurt you. Not like they did, not like he did."

No. He wouldn't have the opportunity to hurt me like Edward because I wouldn't give him that opportunity. I kept my gaze on the floor, wandering slowly towards the log pile, tapping the bottom one with the tip of my shoe, keeping myself occupied whilst Jacob heaved another big sigh.

"Just something to consider, Bells. You'd be safe with me. I wouldn't let anyone hurt you."

He shouldn't be this attached after a couple of days. But maybe he felt like he had known me longer. He had seemed to sense me before he could see me; I had been a part of his life for much longer than two days.

For longer than I had known the Cullens.

I wanted, so much, to belong here, with Jacob. He was so easy to be with. I was so comfortable with his touch, with his affection.

But his skin was too hot and his actions were too eager. He was so young, his eyes were too bright and too youthful. He was too comfortable with putting his arms around me, with kissing my forehead and initiating intimacy. I wasn't used to this. I adored it, but it didn't thrill me.

I could not stay here. I could not stay with Jacob and live in easy affection.

As though sensing my turmoil, his arm snaked around my waist and his chin rested on my forehead. I didn't move, closing my eyes and relishing his warm embrace.

"You're very different from them, Jacob." I murmured and he chuckled.

"Glad to hear it. Glad you think so."

I didn't know how to tell him that it didn't mean I didn't want them back.

A wolf howled and I turned to look up at Jacob. His hands stayed around my waist and he smiled; his teeth bright against his russet skin. I gave him a faint smile in return.

"Is that call for you?"

"I'd better take this one." He joked and swiftly pressed a kiss to my forehead before turning and running towards the forest. A moment later I heard a howl, much closer than before.

I walked towards the house, my arms around my waist. My chest ached with emptiness, the loneliness now that Jacob was gone as well made me want to curl up and cry.

I would have to see them again, I knew this.

I wanted it.

I wanted them in my life.

Billy was over at the Clearwater's place, so I sat in the small sitting room, hunched over on the couch. I shouldn't want anything to do with the Cullens, but I couldn't help it. More than anything, I wanted answers.

I glanced at the door, guilt bubbling in my stomach as I reached for the telephone that lay on the low table. I had two possible numbers to call.

Alice or Edward.

The phone lay in my hand for a long moment before I began to slowly press the buttons and lift the receiver to my ear. It gave two rings before Alice's quiet voice answered curiously.

"Hello?"

I didn't make a sound. Nerves were tingling in the pit of my stomach and I bit my lip silently.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" She spoke again and I breathed quietly.

"Alice."

"Bella!" She gasped loudly, "Oh my gosh, Bella! Oh, please don't hang up, please!"

"Alice, I called you. Why would I call you just to hang up?" I asked pointedly and she gave a sad laugh.

"I don't know. I'm just so glad you called."

I swallowed hard, chewing on my fingernail.

"I want to see you." I managed to spit out, "I… I need some answers."

"Of course, of course! When? Where? We can meet you-"

"No." I told her abruptly, "Just you. I don't want to see the others yet."

She was silent for a split second but then spoke quickly.

"Alright. If that's what you want. Just say when and where; I'll be there. Anything you want to know, I promise I'll tell you. I just… we just want you to come back." Her voice was soft and sweet. I wondered if the others were there. God, I missed them so much.

"OK. OK, then… then I'll meet you. At midnight, behind the high school."

I didn't want them anywhere near La Push or near Charlie, and I certainly wasn't going near their house. Plus, giving myself only a few hours didn't leave me time to back out.

"Midnight behind the high school. I'll be there. Oh, Bella, I'm so…" Her voice broke and I squeezed my eyes shut, "I'll see you soon."

"Bye." I managed to squeak out a reply before shoving the phone back onto its cradle.

Jacob came home almost an hour later, close to nine pm. I greeted him at the door and he grinned, smacking a kiss to my forehead with easy affection.

"Dad home yet?" He asked quietly and I nodded.

"Watching TV. Everything OK?"

"Jared smelt a new leech in the area." He said, leaning idly against the porch railings, "Sam and I tracked it along the boundary, but it didn't come in. It wasn't one of the locals though."

So… not one of the Cullens then. I was silent as he went into the house, grabbing a bag of chips and coming back outside as I sat on the railings. He tore open the bag, crunching on them loudly.

"Anyway, we followed it down to the river, but it must have passed through a couple of hours ago."

"Oh." I didn't really know what to say but Jacob grinned at me.

"Don't worry about it, Bells. Whoever it was, we'll get them if they come back. We're designed to kill vampires."

I looked away, uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation. Jacob noticed my coolness and swallowed his mouthful loudly.

"Bella, come on…"

"Don't, Jake." I said tiredly. I was already nervous enough without having to defend a family of vampires that I wasn't even too sure I wanted to defend. He moved towards me, crumpling the bag loudly in one of his large fists. He lowered his face a little to look me in the eye, a tiny grin on his face.

"You can't stay mad at me."

"Jacob-"

"C'mon, Bells…" His smile was so goofy and he reached out to grab my hands. I couldn't help but give a little smile.

"You're such a kid." I rolled my eyes and he chuckled deeply.

"Not that much of a kid. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a lot bigger these days."

"Yeah, I did notice. I remember when you came up to my knees."

"Please, I was never that short." He scowled, tapping my kneecaps with our joined hands.

"Totally were. Snot-nosed little kid." I teased and Jacob furrowed his brow, staring down at our hands. My chest ached at his expression. "Jacob…"

"I'm not a kid, Bella." He said, lifting his eyes to mine. "I'm not a kid. I don't look like a kid, I don't feel like a kid and I definitely don't want you to… to think of me as one."

I ducked my head and he gave a nervous little laugh. His hands squeezed mine lightly and I shook my head, covering my face with my hair.

"Jacob, I don't think-"

"Is it because of that… that leech?" He frowned and I glanced up at his dark eyes, intensely fixed on mine.

I didn't know what so say, so I said nothing. Jacob hesitated for a moment before releasing my hand, resting his palms on the wooden railings either side of my hips, lowering his face so that it was level with mine.

"You have a choice, Bella." He said and though his tone was calm, there was tension in his face, "I don't want you thinking that you have to be with him… with them. We want you here. I want you here."

"Jacob, I'm almost thirty," I reminded him gently, "And you're barely sixteen."

"You're eighteen. And in a couple of years I will be too."

"But you won't always be." I argued back, my hands in my lap, fingers twisting together, "You'll get older and I'll always be like this."

"And you think that's a good enough reason to be with them?" Jacob said, his voice tinged with anger, "Because of the convenience of not dying? All I'm asking, Bella, is that you give me a chance!"

The air was static between us and I licked my dry lips before meeting his eye.

"…I called them." His expression hardened, "I'm going to meet with Alice."

"Bella!"

"I need answers, Jacob." I tried to explain but he ducked his head. I put my hand to his hair, stroking it gently; "I need to know why. I can't just… I have so many emotions where they're concerned and I need to figure this out."

"You wouldn't have to figure it out here!" He said angrily, lifting his head again so that I could see the wrath in his eyes, "I wouldn't do this to you! I wouldn't hurt you or betray you or ever make you feel like this so why won't you stay?"

His despairing anger shocked me; he shouldn't be so attached after just a couple of days, but his hands were digging deeply into the wood on either side of the beam that I was still sitting on and he was trembling.

"Jacob…?" I whispered his name softly and he looked up, his jaw clenched and his eyes blazing.

"I think it should have been you." His voice was rough with raw emotion and I frowned, not understanding.

"Should have been what?"

"The imprinting. It's the only thing that makes sense." He said hoarsely, "Since I saw you in the garage, I've just felt so… like I've known you forever. Like you were supposed to be with me the whole time and maybe you're the one but I can't do it properly because you're…."

"Dead." I finished his sentence whilst the pit of my stomach gave out, leaving me shaken and unsettled. Was it true? Was it even possible?

I slipped through the wooden beam, standing in front of it so that I could put a little space between us. Jacob watched me with a hollow expression. I ran my hand through my hair before looking up at him.

"I don't think you're right." I said softly and he hissed.

"Because of-"

"Not because of the Cullens." I interrupted, keeping my voice calm and quiet. "Because I've always been here. Because I've been with you your whole life, a part of your existence without you even knowing, but maybe you… I don't know, sensed that I was here and now you know, maybe it's all just clicking together in your head and making you understand something that didn't make sense before."

I clearly wasn't explaining it very well because Jacob turned away, rubbing at his forehead. I wrapped my arms around my waist, watching as he paced along the porch and jumped down the small ramp.

The moon was already out, peering between the thick black clouds and in it's pale glow, Jacob looked animalistic, the muscles in his back moving smoothly beneath the skin. He turned to gaze at me and I almost shivered at the intensity in his young face. I reached out and took his hand, almost unbearably hot against my cold skin.

"Jacob, you're very important to me. I don't think you'll ever know how important. But…" I swallowed hard, not wanting to hurt him,

"Don't treat me like a child, Bella." He said irritably and I scowled up at him.

"Jacob, I can't give you anything. I can't give you kids or marriage or any of that stuff you're supposed to have."

"Maybe I don't want those things." He said stubbornly and I was instantly reminded of the six year old who wouldn't go to bed.

"You're sixteen. You don't know what you want. You can barely decide what cereal to have in the mornings." I said sarcastically, "You don't know what you'll want in two years, in five years, in ten years."

"Here and now-"

"I don't do here and now." I cut him off, jabbing a finger into his chest, "Because here and now is meaningless for me. Here and now is nothing compared to how long I'm going to be around for… god, I don't even know how long."

"Then why won't you use what you have right now?" Jacob demanded and I turned away, my patience wearing thin.

"Because if I was alive, Jacob, the here and now would make you my little brother. That's what I feel for you. I love you, I really do, but not in any other way and I think you're going to figure out that anything you feel for me is how you feel towards a family member. So don't go making this anything more than what it is."

The words sounded harsh, even to me and Jacob's shoulders hunched over as I spoke, staring at the ground. I took a deep breath and stepped back to give him some space but he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, lifting me off my feet as he hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around him as he buried his face in my neck. My heart swelled with love for this silly young boy who thought he knew what love was.

Hot tears ran down my neck and I squeezed even tighter.

"Jake, I do love you. I've loved you for your whole life, even when you didn't know it." I whispered and he shook his head, his skin rough against mine.

"Don't leave me now, Bella. You make sense. You're supposed to be with me."

"And I will be." I whispered the promise, "I have to go, but I'll come back. I'll come back."

Jacob fell asleep at ten past eleven. I'd sat in his room, talking softly as he reluctantly yielded to slumber. He looked as youthful as he should have in sleep, the worry lines smoothed from his brow. One hand was fisted under his cheek, pushing his mouth into a sleepy pout and I smiled down at him.

Just like a six year old.

I set off towards Forks, fully aware that I was going to be a little late. But since Alice probably knew this already, I wasn't too concerned about my timing.

I was more concerned about how utterly messed up this meeting was going to be. The waiting was killing me. Oh, yeah. Too late. Heh. Late. Like I was going to be if I didn't get a move on.

I broke into a run, letting the cold air of the night blow my hair back. The clouds were still gathered but not threatening with rain. I slowed to a walk as the high school loomed out of the murky darkness. The parking lot was empty. Would Alice drive or would she run?

I walked across the parking lot, past the quad and towards the line of trees that were standing like sentries over the school field. Nothing moved apart from the leaves that rustled in the breeze. I'd wanted to get away earlier, to go and check on Charlie even though Jacob had seen him just the night before. I hadn't seen him since Friday afternoon… that was way too long. I hadn't been away from him for that long in years.

A tree stump called my name and I crossed to it, sitting on the hard surface and resting my chin in my hands as I waited. It was about ten past twelve by now and I'd expected Alice to be dead on time.

Dead. On time.

Get it?

Geez, I must have been nervous to start with the 'dead' jokes again.

"I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure if you would."

Alice's voice made me jump and I looked up, startled. She was a few feet away, her face cast in shadows. I swallowed hard and shrugged, not knowing what to say. Alice took a few steps forward and then sat on the crunchy leaves, folding her legs beneath her. She kept her eyes fixed on me, as though afraid that I might vanish into thin air.

We sat in silence for a long time.

The breeze tossed my hair forward and Alice tensed, pulling a face, her tiny nose scrunching up.

"Oh, what's that smell?" She said in a disgusted tone. I frowned, sniffing my hair. It didn't smell of anything particularly.

"What smell?" I asked and her eyes widened as she realised that maybe insulting me might not be the best way to make up with me.

"Nothing. It's probably nothing."

We fell back into silence and I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands, burying my chin in them again. Alice didn't speak, although I knew she was dying to.

She was waiting for me to go first.

I swallowed hard and shifted on my tree stump. Alice tilted her head, a tiny smile gracing her lips. I inhaled deeply and dropped my eyes to the ground.

"Is… is it true, what Rosalie said?" I asked uncertainly.

"Which part?" Alice murmured and I shrugged.

"Did… did Carlisle turn her for Edward?"

Alice gave a deep sigh, lowering her eyes to the ground.

"Not exactly. What do you know about the circumstances of Rosalie's death?"

"Nothing. Except… she didn't want it."

"Rosalie was raped, beaten and left for dead by her fiancé and his friends." Alice said bluntly, "Carlisle found her on the brink of death and couldn't bear to let her slip away. He saved her because he hates wasted life. And yes, there was a part of him that was hoping that she and Edward would fall for each other."

It made sense, suddenly. Why Rosalie hated my nonchalance towards my own demise, when her own had come about in such terrible circumstances. I inwardly cringed at my lack of sensitivity and Alice frowned.

"Don't start blaming yourself."

"It's no wonder she hated me. No wonder she didn't want me around." I thought back to Rosalie's angry words. Alice sighed again.

"Rosalie doesn't hate you. I know my sister and I saw her talking to Edward. She thinks we've deceived you. She doesn't like you, probably because of the way you handle everything so easily."

"What do you mean, deceived me?" I queried and she looked down again, not meeting my eye.

"Because of my vision."

I stood abruptly, uncomfortable with the intimacy of the conversation. I didn't even know the full details of the vision but I knew enough. Alice stayed on the ground, watching as I paced away from the stump, my feet kicking up the dark leaves and she spoke before I had a chance.

"None of us like seeing Edward alone, anymore than he likes watching us pair off. We want him to be happy and, yes, we've made mistakes trying to get that to happen, like turning Rosalie or having him meet Tanya-"

"Who is Tanya?" I didn't mean to sound so sulky and a momentary flash of amusement struck Alice's face before she composed herself.

"She's a vampire, one like us. She and her family live in Denali, Alaska, and she expressed an interest in Edward. I guess we all hoped that he'd like her but he was never interested."

I shouldn't have felt so pleased, but I was. I folded my arms over my chest though, trying not to show it. Instead I kicked the toe of my shoe against the tree stump, keeping my hair over my face as Alice spoke again.

"Right after we came here, just minutes before we spoke to you for the first time, right here at the high school, I had a vision. I had a vision of you telling Edward that you loved him."

"Alice, just stop." I interrupted, "I don't want to talk about that right now."

"OK. What would you like to talk about?" She asked, almost cheerfully and I turned to give her a sour look. She smiled cheekily and I rolled my eyes before sitting back down on the stump.

"What did Rosalie mean about Carlisle's projects?" I asked, my heart twanging at the thought of my Doc. Alice pouted slightly in serious consideration.

"I think she was talking about the way he acts in general. I mean… we're quite possibly the biggest vampire family of our kind. Most vampires are nomads, lone creatures. Occasionally they'll pair up, if they find their mate, but otherwise… Other vampires are surprised at Carlisle gathering us together. Of course, we don't see it like that, but to others of our kind, we're remarkable. Rosalie considers her change a project, because it was to try and help Edward. She disapproved of what he was doing with you, the experiments he was trying with you… I guess it hit a little close to home."

I didn't move as Alice stared up at the cloudy sky, only just visible through the canopy of trees. After a long silence, she shook her head slowly.

"Maybe she's right. When you go for so long thinking that you can do anything, that you can have anything, maybe you forget to consider what it's doing to others. I mean… I saw us being friends. I saw you and Edward and I just wanted to make it happen without considering what might happen to you in the process."

Her voice was sorrowful but it angered me. I stood again, kicking a twig away from my foot.

"That's all you have to say? That you didn't consider what might happen?" I seethed, "Don't you understand what you did to me? What you all did to me? You're the first people I spoke to in ten years. I gave you everything of me. I gave you my friendship and my feelings and my hair and my blood. I let Carlisle tell me that I was a part of the family, I let you be my friend and I let Edward…"

I closed my eyes, a lump forming in my front and stopping me from speaking. Alice was on her feet beside me in an instant, one hand hesitantly reached out to me. I flinched away from her touch and her arms lowered to her sides as she looked at me with a heartbroken expression.

"Bella, I don't know what to say." She whispered and I stepped back as hot, humiliating tears spilled over my eyelids. I brushed them away angrily.

"I don't know what you can say either. I don't think you understand how much I care about all of you and to find out that you were just waving me around in front of Edward in the hopes that your vision might come true is killing me. I want to believe that you genuinely want me and maybe you do, but the other things… the things with Edward and Carlisle… they hurt so bad…"

I buried the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to stop the embarrassing tears that wouldn't halt. I heard Alice gulp back a sob and shook my head, keeping my eyes covered. I didn't want to look at her, didn't want to see the expression that would no doubt make me give in to anything she asked me. I stumbled away blindly.

"Bella, please don't leave!" She cried but I bowed my head, sniffling loudly as I half ran towards the parking lot. I didn't hear footsteps behind me but lights appeared, almost blinding me. I looked up, startled as headlights flooded the ground around me and a tall figure appeared beside the silver car.

Edward's eyes were wide, fixed on mine. I knew how dreadful I must look, crying and sniffling, stumbling out of the woods with Alice somewhere behind me. He took a tentative step forward, one hand ahead of him but he stopped at my expression.

I wanted him. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and take me back to the Cullen house and have them tell me that it was all a misunderstanding and that they really do want me, just for me and for no other reason.

I wanted Edward to tell me how he felt for me and understand my own feelings for him.

But I turned away. I continued walking and felt my heart tearing into shreds with every step. A strange, gulping, sobbing noise escaped me and I stumbled as the tears kept coming and my chest ached with trying not to cry, my feet unable to move. My knees shook and I tried to take another step but I couldn't.

Arms wrapped around me, turning my body and Edward's warm, enticing scent surrounded me as his hand slid up into my hair, his other arm around my waist. I grabbed at handfuls of his shirt, simultaneously trying to pull him closer and push him away, wanting to scream and cry and bury my face in his chest.

He didn't fight or try to contain me. He just held his arms around me whilst I gasped and whimpered and sniffled. His head ducked, his cheek pressed against my hair as I leaned forward, pressing my forehead to his shoulder, my fingers scrambling against his chest.

We stood there for days, for weeks, forever.

It felt right. It felt like home. I hated how much I loved it and how much I wanted him.

He shifted slightly, his embrace tightening, the hand in my hair moving round to cup my cheek, his fingers sliding softly across my skin before moving lower to try and lift my face so that he could see me.

I jerked my head away, pulling out of his embrace and wrapping my arms around me, using my hair to hide my face.

"Bella…?" His voice was so soft and I lifted my hands to push my hair out of my face, staring at his shirt, unable to meet his eyes. There were damp spots on the dark fabric.

"I have to go."

"Bella-"

"Charlie… I need to see Charlie." I croaked, my voice hoarse. He was still for a long moment and then he ran his hand through his hair. I turned my face away, rubbing at my sore eyes.

After a few moments of silence, he nodded.

"Would you like a ride?"

"It's not far." I murmured and turned to leave but his voice made me stop.

"Will I see you?"

I didn't know if he meant tomorrow or… or more permanently.

"Tomorrow." I said under my breath and kept walking away, while I still had the strength. Tomorrow was all that I could commit to at the moment, but from the moment he'd taken me into his arms, I'd known that I was home.

A/N: Well, hello strangers. I just want to start by saying a huge thank you to everyone who contacted me after the last chapter. Your support has been unbelievable and if anyone is still reading this, please do know that I'm truly grateful. I won't go into anything now, but it's been a hell of a year, I've started my last year at university and Real Life has been too crazy to even contemplate getting to work on this. That being said, I do hope to wind this story up within the next few weeks. But hey, famous last words, right?

Breathe Slow – Bella has so many mixed emotions towards the Cullens and towards Jacob, getting them all sorted out in her head is a challenge for her. Deep breaths – even if she doesn't need them!

Huge love to my beta, who is currently nursing a poorly foot and therefore tied to her computer. Love you, Sarah!

Reviewers will receive a box of Christmas cookies and a light dusting of snow – unlike the huge amount we currently have here in the UK!

Come twitter with me – username is Kat097 there as well.

Love

Katie