Ok, first and foremost I need to apologize. I am sooo sorry for the delay in updating. I hate long interruptions in stories. It drives me crazy because I can't remember where I was before and have to reread the last chapter. (Which you might want to do here...sorry!) My only excuse is that I just packed up my life and moved 500 miles. I actually fell asleep in front of my computer last night, trying to get this done. So...I promise you a chapter a day for one week, in reward for your endless patience. Also, this chapter ends kind of abruptly. Not a cliff hanger, just abruptly. I promise I will get my head screwed on right, my life unpacked, and Kurt and Dave back on track ASAP! I do want to do one shout out to Sarahw1984, who is writing a Kurtofsky fic that has me absolutely mesmerized...it's called Not His Type. I highly recommend it! Anyway, sorry for the long, long authors notes. Review this chapter if you want. Even if it's just to call me names!
Love should be easier than this.
If the poets were to be believed love was glorious, freeing, an all encompassing magic that made any obstacle that stood in its path crumble and fall.
Love was bliss and euphoria and contentment, all wrapped in a delicious package.
Kurt had experienced moments like that since he had fallen in love with Dave.
This just wasn't one of them.
There was nothing faintly romantic about sitting on the hospital entrance stairs at ten o clock at night.
There was nothing glorious about the painful anxiety that gripped Kurt's heart, sending a rush of pain surging through his body with every painful beat.
Dave had gotten a kidney today.
But Kurt hadn't seen his boyfriend in 3 days. Not since they'd found out about the match, that day he'd announced to the clinic that they had slept together.
The third time had been the charm in finding a perfect match kidney, Dave's mom had said, her trembling smile and tear stained cheeks testament to her relief when they'd walked through the door that afternoon.
Dave had hugged his mom; sweeping the diminutive woman off her feet. She'd shrieked in mock outrage, and then half laughed, half cried as he eased her slowly to the ground. Kurt had stood to the side, so relieved that his whole body shook.
Dave had run to talk to his dad, and Mrs. Karofsky had seized that moment to pull a stunned Kurt aside.
She'd explained that she knew Dave counted on him for support, and he'd been such a blessing to Dave, attending dialysis every day, but; for the time being, it would be better if it were just them. Just family.
Numbly; still overwhelmed by relief and wanting to do the right thing, he nodded. He didn't think he could have even spoken if he'd wanted to.
She'd then hustled him towards the door, promising to call with updates.
Kurt had been in agony for three days. Mrs. Karofsky did send him update texts every day, giving him small tidbits of info. Apparently she'd had the "its time for family" talk with Dave as well, as he hadn't called or texted Kurt either.
Kurt went to the dialysis clinic without Dave; who was checked into the hospital in preparation for the transplant, and was receiving dialysis there.
He's ended up in his lounge chair, planted next to Mrs. Flax, crying on her shoulder, and trying to manage his anxiety through listening to the nursing staff's stories of kidney transplant success.
After that he'd driven to the iHop. He'd sat alone in his car at the parking lot, listening to 'you and me' over and over, until he could almost see himself and Dave; dancing there in the parking lot.
He'd left when he'd looked down at the wheel he was gripping and seen his hands shaking.
He got it. He totally understood what Mrs. Karofsky meant. This had to be the scariest thing his boyfriend had ever been through and Dave needed to be surrounded by his family.
It just hurt so much because Kurt had allowed himself to forget that he wasn't part of that family.
And being separated from Dave hurt because it made Kurt realize that he hadn't been the strong one. All along; those countless hours in dialysis, all summer long, he'd fooled himself into thinking that he was there holding Dave up, keeping him brave and strong. Pushing his boyfriend through hard times and pain.
But being alone, not seeing Dave for a few days, it had made him realize that the opposite was true.
Dave had been the strong one, allowing Kurt to come to dialysis with him, knowing it would make Kurt feel useful and lessen his anxiety. And when Kurt had held out his hand to "get Dave through stuff", it had been Dave's solid grip which had actually pulled him through.
God, he missed being in Dave's arms. He missed the physical closeness that fed his soul. Being with Dave; seeing him, touching him, hearing him…it was the only place he felt completely at peace. He felt so safe in his arms.
It felt so wrong; so alien to him that he hadn't been by Dave's side for the pre-op of the last two days.
That he hadn't been pacing outside the door during the transplant surgery earlier in the day.
That he wouldn't be by his side for the next 24 hours, waiting to see if his body would reject the new organ.
His mind; his heart, every ounce of him clamored to be close, and he'd grown weary of fighting of his instincts. Since the moment of Dave actually being in surgery, he'd been unable to fight his heart any more. He needed to be close to Dave. It was the only way he could hold his fear at bay; it was the only way he could draw a full breath. It was all that kept the panic from completely overwhelming him.
Which was why he was here at this moment; sitting on the cold concrete steps leading up the hospital at 10 pm. He'd been here since 2 pm, when Dave had gone into surgery.
He'd told his dad and Carol that he was spending the day and night with Mercedes.
He would have waited inside, but he didn't want to chance running into Dave's family. Didn't want to make a difficult day even more stressful for them.
He knew it was weird to be here. Knew that it didn't make sense. Who was he helping sitting out here in the cool August night? He wouldn't ever ask or want Dave to do this for him. He'd want Dave by his side; or; if he couldn't be, he'd want him home and safe.
The last text he'd gotten from Mrs. Karofsky had been just before surgery, letting him know that everything was going smoothly, and she'd let him know how things went after the surgery.
That had been eight hours ago.
Was it a good thing or a bad thing that he hadn't heard from her?
The hospital couldn't tell him anything.
Mrs. Karofsky wasn't texting.
And though this was the main entrance in and out of the hospital, he hadn't seen Dave's parents entering or leaving all day.
A seeping coldness invaded every cell of his body.
Even if Dave did well and had no complications, was this lack of communication a harbinger of things to come?
Dave's parents hadn't really protested his and Dave's involvement, nor had much to say about it at all. Of course, they had all been caught in the grip of his debilitating illness. Kurt imagined that being scared for your son's life tended to make issues like his sexual orientation seem unimportant.
With that out of the way, would they try and force him and Kurt apart? Would they ban Kurt from their home? Would this miracle of a kidney, and Dave's renewed health come at the price of their relationship?
Why did everything with this relationship have to be so damn dramatic?
Popping in his ear phones, Kurt clicked his 'Far Away from Here' playlist, wishing this night were already over. Wishing he was tucked in that narrow hospital bed, wrapped up in the arms of his beautiful boyfriend. Pressing play, he leaned back, ignoring the feel of cold concrete under him, trying desperately to lose himself in the star strewn summer sky.
Train; of course, had the perfect song for this moment. This 'waiting on the hospital steps for some contact from the mom of his boyfriend' moment. Train music was the soundtrack to all the sad moments in his life.
Kurt hadn't cried in the last eight hours he'd been on these steps. Not when people stared at him. Not when someone had thought him homeless and offered him two dollars and half a McChicken sandwich. Not when each successive hour had passed without a word from Mrs. Karofsky.
But nothing could have prevented the quiet tears that fell from beneath his lashes at that moment. The words and Patrick Monahan's huskily intoned inflection seeped into his exhausted heart, opening a torrent of feeling. There was no one walking in and out of the hospital entrance anymore. He was alone. He didn't have to try to be brave.
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here