Author's Note: Okay, so I'm sorry this took so long. It's just that my last chapter of Just Passing Through took forEVER. Not only was I sooo busy with other stuff, but I also had a hard time getting that one the way I wanted it. Also, I'm leaving for Mexico on the 20th, so my stories won't be updated for a while. It's unfortunate. I'm sorry. :( Anyway, I tried to get this one out before Mexico because I didn't want to leave you on a cliffhanger. I turn sixteen Thursday. Review as a present, please. OH! One more thing before I forget…I always like to mention stuff that deals with conversions from the Metric system to the English, which is so annoying, and here I use pounds because I'm honestly not sure if I'm right when I convert to the English system. I'm pretty sure 105 pounds is…47.63 kilograms. Correct me if I'm wrong, please. Anyway, depending on height, a seventeen year old boy is supposed to be around 64 kilograms. Again, this is all depends, but we're working with: James was around 140 pounds, and now his goal was to go down to 105. I'm doing my best with conversion. :(

"You're pathetic."

James watched, a confused look in his eyes, as Lily stood before him with a note in his handwriting. It read: 105.

That had been James' goal weight for the longest time. When he had begun, it seemed like a perfect weight to strive for. It was quite a reach, but it wouldn't hurt him in any way.

Lily looked at him as if this weight was not even enough.

How much did James weigh now? It was only just this morning he had walked onto a scale that read 103. That wasn't possible. His goal weight was supposed to be thin. Perhaps he had picked a bad number.

100 was better.

He would stop when he reached 100.

"Did you really think this would make you look better?" Lily asked with a sneer. "I expected more from you. I thought you were supposed to be strong or something."

James blinked. Two more pounds? Who was he kidding? Lily was right. He was strong enough to lose at least five more.

Lily was staring at him, raising an eyebrow expectantly. "Well? I'm waiting."

James fell down to the floor. He hadn't eaten in days. There was nothing in him anymore, no food to get rid of.

"I'm going running."

Lily laughed before walking away. "Like that'll help you. Face it, Potter. It's a lost cause."

"Stop it," Remus demanded, pulling Sirius' hand away from his mouth. "You've almost bitten your entire nail off."

Sirius didn't respond, but he did lower his hand.

"This is all my fault," said Peter tearfully. "I didn't know that…"

Remus shook his head, but he didn't take his eyes off the bed. "Madam Pomfrey said he will be fine, Peter."

"Yeah, he won't die," said Sirius. "Well, not yet. He'll only continue to try to destroy himself."

"You're not helping," said Remus.

The three boys were completely on edge, and Remus and Sirius were two steps away from lashing out at each other. The air was tense. James had been asleep for three days straight.

"I never thought I'd say this," said Peter, "but it's a good thing he sucks at Potions."

"Yeah," said Remus and Sirius simultaneously.

Madam Pomfrey came back into the room to check on James. Before doing anything else, she turned to the three boys.

"Go," she ordered. "You've been here three days!"

Sirius looked up at her. His eyes were lifeless, but they showed a silent determination. He would not leave even if she tried to escort him.

"Mr. Black," she said in the gentlest voice she could manage, "you need to sleep."

Sirius did not blink.

"I promise that you will know when Mr. Potter wakes up."

"I'm not leaving," said Sirius.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Just don't harass him."

Sirius got up from his chair to walk the floor again, his hands shoved into his pockets.

Sirius wondered what could have possessed James to do such a thing. When he woke up, would he feel guilty for what he had attempted or would he be angry that he had not succeeded?

It was pointless to wonder. What did it matter? James would slowly die, anyway, if he continued with the behavior he'd had as of late.

"Maybe she's right," said Remus softly, watching Sirius pace the floor. It had become Sirius' favorite activity. "You haven't slept through a night in days…forget that. Weeks."

"I won't sleep there, either," said Sirius. "I'll just continue thinking about it."

Remus sighed.

"I'm so damn angry with him for doing this to me, to himself, to you… It's not fair."

"James," said Remus slowly, "has a problem right now that none of us can understand. I'm not saying I'm innocent because I've yelled at screamed at him too. We have to try, though, Sirius. We have to try to be understanding."

Sirius didn't answer. He continued to pace the floor.

James groaned quietly in his sleep and rolled over onto his side. Other than the occasional noise from him, the room was silent.

Somewhere along the line, James had figured out that he was dreaming. It wasn't often that he knew, inside of the dream, that what was happening couldn't possibly be real, but he knew that Lily would never care how much he weighed.

He knew that.

But, the fact that he was dreaming didn't make him any happier because he wasn't supposed to be dreaming. He was supposed to be dead.

It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. Couldn't he have been given the tiny gift of death? Was that really too much to ask for?

Lily guided him to a mirror, and he was horrified by what he saw. What had happened to him? James knew he wasn't thin, but he didn't think he'd gotten that big. A part of him felt like screaming and crying, but he simply fell to his knees and pushed the body- length mirror down backwards. He never wanted to look into a mirror again.

James' mother threw herself into Sirius' arms, nearly suffocating him.

Sirius hugged her back tightly, not knowing what else he could do.

When she finally pulled away, there were tears shining in her eyes. "Tell me everything," she said, walking over to hold her son's hand while he slept.

"Well, he'd been in the bathroom too long—that's where Peter said he was—so obviously, we went looking for him."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "And then?"

"He was just throwing up blood when we found him," said Sirius with a shudder, carefully not looking at her. If he saw her crying, he would break.

"He was only half-conscious, and he really had no idea what was happening, so we took him here."

James groaned again. Mrs. Potter tightened her grip on his hand.

"James needs serious help. This," said Sirius, pointing to James, "was not an accident."

Mrs. Potter did not answer. She obviously did not want to believe that her son wanted to die. No mother would want to believe that.

Sirius' determination to stay with James had faded almost entirely once James' mother had entered the room. This woman who had raised Sirius as if he were her own was in pain—James was in pain—and staying there seemed to be only making Sirius' own pain worse.

"I'm going to take a walk," he said.

He was feeling light-headed, and no one could condemn him for wanting some air.

Sirius left the stuffy room and saw that the hallways were mostly empty. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone that passed by. They all knew what had happened, and even though he wasn't the one in the hospital bed, he still felt as if everyone was talking about him.

The thought that plagued Sirius' already anxious mind was haunting him. What if it had worked? What if James had died?"

Sirius decided the person he really wanted to talk to was Lily. He found her in the library, just as he expected he would, staring at a blank piece of parchment.

"Lily," he said, sitting down across from her.

Lily looked up slowly from the tabletop. "Sirius," she said quietly.

"I came back from the hospital wing," said Sirius.

"That's good," said Lily. She had been secretly worried about his sleeping.

Sirius fiddled with a loose string on the sleeve of his robes, putting little thought into the words coming out of his mouth.

"How—how is he?" Lily asked.

Sirius shrugged. "He sleeps. It's pretty much the way he's been for weeks," he said, hoping to come off nonchalant.

"Sirius," said Lily slowly.

"What?"

She shook her head. "Never mind."

Lily looked back at her essay, hoping that words would magically come to her. After squinting a bit, she gave up. It wasn't working. She rubbed her temples.

"Everyone's talking about it," she said, realizing that her mind would not get away from the James situation

Sirius leaned his chair back lazily. "Not surprising."

Lily watched him carefully.

"Do you ever think about dying?" she said.

Sirius sat the chair back down normally again. "Not really. Do you?"

"Well, when something like this happens…" She bit her bottom lip lightly. "I just want to know how he feels."

"So do I," said Sirius.

They went back into complete silence. Lily stared while Sirius was deep in thought.

James didn't protest when he was informed that his mother would be taking him home. Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, and Mrs. Potter walked calmly to James. Each of them was afraid James would lose control at any moment.

Remus and Peter stood by his bed while Sirius stood further away.

They were very surprised when James said, "Okay."

It was only the third word he had spoken since he had woken up. The first two had been, "Everyone knows?"

Sirius could only assume that James' submission to all of this was caused by the fear of facing the other students every day.

"You will go back to your room and pack, okay?" said Mrs. Potter, trying to smile at James.

James nodded, throwing the covers off himself.

"One of you should help him," said Madam Pomfrey. "He—"

"I can walk!"

"I don't know what kind of after-effects the potion will have on you, so Mr. Lupin, go with him," said Madam Pomfrey.

James glared, but allowed Remus to walk beside him to the door. "I'll try not to break into pieces," said James coldly, "but I can't make any promises."

Sirius paid no attention to the conversation going on around him. Hogwarts without James… For how long? Would he be coming back? Would he get better? Sirius, of course, adored his other best friends, but nothing would be the same without James.

Mrs. Potter put her hand on Sirius' shoulder. She didn't say anything; she seemed to be holding back tears.

"Could I—could I see you for a moment, Mrs. Potter?" said Madam Pomfrey.

Mrs. Potter followed her mutely, staring blankly ahead.

Professor Dumbledore smiled sadly at them. "I suppose it really is time for me to go," he said. "Wish him luck for me."

Sirius nodded quickly, willing him to leave as soon as possible because he wanted to press his ear to the door and listen.

Professor Dumbledore tipped his hat slightly before leaving.

"Come here," said Sirius immediately, pulling Peter to the double doors.

Their voices were quiet and muffled through the doors, but Sirius could still make out the words.

"…and the reason I insist upon his departure is I believe he will try again."

Mrs. Potter didn't say a word, but Sirius was sure he heard a soft sniffle.

"There is something else," said Madame Pomfrey. "I had my suspicions about James' eating habits."

"Eating habits?" said Mrs. Potter, bewildered. "My son eats just fine."

Madame Pomfrey went on as if she heard nothing. "My fears have been confirmed. He has lost weight."

Mrs. Potter gave a dry sort of laugh. "I've lost weight, too, but that doesn't mean—"

"—a severe amount of weight. He's way below the weight of any healthy fourteen-year-old."

"He's seventeen."

"That's my point," said Madame Pomfrey.

"Why are you packing my socks?" James whined, covering his face with a pillow.

"Why wouldn't I?" Remus asked, shutting James' sock drawer.

"I'd only need socks if I planned to wear shoes, and I would only wear shoes if my family let me leave the house."

"You won't be taped to a bed, James," said Remus.

"That's what you think," said James. He removed the pillow from his face, making his words much clearer. "Dana will come over day and night to make sure I'm in my room, eating and doing whatever else I have to do to prove I'm not insane."

Remus re-opened the sock drawer. "We're packing everything."

James rolled his eyes. "I'll be back, you know," he said. There was no trace of doubt. "A week—two weeks—and then I'll be back here."

Remus snorted. He turned away from the dresser to look at James guiltily. "It's not that I don't believe you'll get better soon, but two weeks?"

James laughed. It was almost like the real James laugh. "You think I need to be better to come back?"

"I—"

Remus decided he didn't want to ask what James was talking about.

Remus opened the next drawer in James' dresser. "Is this…"

"No!" said James quickly, hopping off the bed o grab the shirt from Remus' hand.

"Yes," said Remus, examining the soft, black sweater. "James, this is Lily's, isn't it?"

"No," said James again.

Remus shook his head. "This is called stalking," he said, pulling the sweater back. "Unless…you were planning on wearing it."

"I'm not in a teasing kind of mood, Remus."

"No, I suppose you're not." Remus agreed. "If I find anything else of Lily's, I'm reporting you."

Remus continued to take out every article of clothing James owned and toss everything into his trunk. James watched from his bed with his arms hugging his knees to his chest.

"Why did you do it, James?" Remus asked, unable to push the burning question away. "What made you think it was a good idea?"

"Sirius seems like he's going to be mad," said James, completely ignoring James. "He probably is, right?"

Remus, taking his anger out on the drawers he was opening and closing, spoke mostly to the dresser.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to watch you to do this to yourself?"

"Here we go again. 'Oh, James. You're ruining my life.' Sing a new song, Moony, "said James.

Remus slammed the last drawer closed He took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "Please tell me what's going on, James."

James shrugged. "You don't need to listen to me complain. It's time to go back."

"James--"

"Carry my trunk," said James. "I'm obviously too weak to carry it on my own."

"Would you stop taking everything as an insult?"

"Would you stop insulting me, then?" James shot back at him.

Remus was already breaking the vow he had made to be patient and understanding. He had forgotten to factor in the fact that James wouldn't go for his patience. He could be extremely uncooperative.

"I'm sorry," said Remus. "You're right."

Remus let James carry the other end of his trunk all the way back to the hospital wing.

Students were passing by just like any other Sunday. They looked curiously at James, but James was determinedly looking down at his trunk. "Are they staring?" he asked.

"No," Remus lied.

James was struggling to keep his hold on the trunk. His hand slipped, and he cursed. "Remus, what the hell did you put in here?"

"Calm down," said Remus. "I already told you I can carry it alone."

"Whatever. I'll meet you."

"James, don't…run."

Remus watched James rush off to the hospital wing. He sighed, picking the trunk back up, and stopping. "What is wrong with me?"

How had he had not thought about using magic?"

When James arrived at the hospital wing, his mother immediately engulfed him in a hug. He wrapped his arms around her somewhat awkwardly.

"Hey," he said, confused by the sudden change in her attitude. Before he left, she refused to get too close to him.

Mrs. Potter kissed his cheek before pulling away from him. She held him at arm's length.

"Mum…"

"Sorry," she said, letting go. "I just love you so much, James. I hope you know that."

James groaned.

"Where's Remus?" asked Mrs. Potter, ignoring James' obvious disdain.

"He's coming," said James. "Where's Sirius?"

"He went for a walk."

Remus came in with the trunk floating beside him. He was carefully holding in his frustration.

"Let's go," said James, pulling on his mother's hand.

Mrs. Potter frowned. "You in a hurry, hun? Don't you want to say good-bye to some people? I have time to wait."

"No," said James. "I just want to go."

Mrs. Potter seemed surprised. "Okay…if you're sure."

James nodded. "Bye, Remus."

"Bye."

The rumors spread like wildfire. James' friends heard some of the craziest stories from their fellow students. Probably thousands had been created within the two days since James had left. There were differences in the beginning and the middle, but the end of every story was always the same: James disappeared. There was no denying that part.

Most students were aware James had been in the hospital wing, and they had drawn their own conclusions.

James had eaten something bad.

James had fallen.

James had been attacked.

The most common, however, was that James had attempted suicide. It may have been the truth, but people had their own versions of said attempt.

The general demeanor of the students seemed to change. Everyone seemed to have been affected greatly by James in some way, and most people were convinced he was dying. Unfortunately, the stories told by girls who missed James only increased the pain being felt by his closest friends.

"She has told this story sixty-four times."

"I know, Sirius."

"I've never heard it," said Peter, joining them on the couch.

"Yes, you have," said Sirius, sighing. "The beginning changes a bit every time, but it's the one where James helped her with some homework."

"Oh, right," said Peter. "She has told this one many times."

"Do you want to go outside?" said Remus, already packing and zipping his bag.

The other two nodded, ready to get away from the hysterical girls.

Sitting down by the lake was a much more pleasant spot for them. It was quieter because no one dared to walk so close to the lake without running back in fear of the Giant Squid. No one was interested in telling "James stories" there, and no one harassed them for information. It was like a sanctuary.

Remus read. Peter daydreamed, occasionally turning to look at the other two. Sirius focused on his fingernails.

Peter couldn't handle the silence any longer. "You guys want to do something tonight?"

"Besides read?" Remus murmured.

"Umm…yeah, I meant besides reading." Peter chuckled. "So?"

"No," said Sirius. "I like just sitting here."

Peter stood up, losing his patience. He was tired of the way Sirius and Remus were acting. He would knock some sense into them even if it meant tossing them both into the lake.

"Is this all you two are going to do for the rest of the year?"

"Peter," said Sirius warningly. "Sit down."

Peter complied and didn't say another word. Throwing them into the lake didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

Remus switched from his back to his front to get more comfortable. "We could do homework if you'd like."

"Never mind," said Peter dejectedly.

"Go away!"

"James—"

"You met with them. You spoke to them. I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for you!"

Mercedes pounded on James' door mercilessly. "James, I am getting my wand."

"Go ahead! Invading my privacy has become simpler than eating a piece of toast."

"Oh, that's easy for you?" Mercedes shouted, kicking the door. "Then, why the hell haven't you been doing it?!"

"Go AWAY!"

"Mercedes, for heaven's sake, leave your brother alone."

Mercedes turned around to see her mother standing behind her. Her long brown hair was falling out of its messy bun, and she looked weary of them already, even though they had only been home for a few hours.

"Alone? Do you know what kind of stuff he does when he's alone? He's insane, Mum!"

"Oh, now I really want to come out!"

"Mercedes," said her mother forebodingly, "we do not use that word in this house."

"Two words, James!" said Mercedes, ignoring her mother completely. "Open up!"

"Another two: GO AWAY!"

"Cedez, just walk away for now," Mrs. Potter whispered, laying a hand on Mercedes' shoulder. "I will talk to him in a few minutes."

"He could be dead by then," said Mercedes, rolling her eyes.

It was clear that Mercedes was trying her hardest to mask her pain with anger and frustration—maybe even a bit of cruel humor—but her mask was slowly peeling off.

"Sweetheart, he'll be okay," she whispered.

Mercedes looked up at the ceiling. "I was going to tell you that I talked to Sirius and the others, but I decided to wait. I wanted to see if he got better…or something."

"It's okay," said Mrs. Potter. "It's not your fault."

"When you wrote me…" Mercedes' eyes filled with tears. She fell into her mother's open arms, sobbing. "I just—I don't know—I don't get why he'd…"

Mercedes, still in her mother's arms, kicked the door again. "You're a bastard. You know that?" she screamed.

James didn't reply, but Mercedes and her mother winced when an object was thrown forcefully at the door.

"Hey!"

Sirius was rudely woken up by a temperamental redhead. She pulled the sheets off of him and looked down at him expectantly.

Sirius rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock next to him. "Lily, it's three in the morning."

"I know. Get up."

Lily walked away from his bed to wake Remus.

"Lily!" said Sirius, in the loudest whisper he could manage. "What is wrong with you?'

"We're going somewhere…or…since I don't know any good places, you're taking me, and I'm pushing you."

It was much too early.

"What?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Just get up," said Lily, keeping her eyes away from him. "Put some pants on or something."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I have pants on."

"Thank goodness," she said, shaking Remus.

"Wh—what?" he asked groggily.

Apparently, Lily couldn't be bothered with manners. She pulled the sheets down and rolled Remus down to the floor.

"Ow!"

"Wake Peter. Meet me in the common room in ten minutes. And, I will come back if you disobey."

Sirius groaned, and Remus went back to sleep. What did Lily have in mind?

James hesitantly knocked on his sister's door, wishing he could take it back the moment he had done it.

"Mum, I'm fine. Don't worry."

That was his excuse, his easy way out. He could just walk away, pretend he had been his mother, and it would be done with.

But then he heard her crying again. She must have been crying for hours. James felt something he hadn't felt in, quite possibly, months. It was sympathy or empathy or…remorse. He couldn't put a name to it, but it hurt.

"Cedez," he said softly.

Mercedes ran to the door and threw it open. "Come in, come in."

"Mum went to bed a while ago," said James, shutting the door behind him.

"Well, it is three," said Mercedes, sitting down on her bed. "That's when normal people sleep."

James sat down next to her. She looked away from him, trying to hide her eyes, but James pulled her back around.

"I was trying to do something good," said James.

"Good?" she said incredulously. "You thought killing yourself would be good."

"Look, that's not what I'm talking about."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just…don't cry, okay?" said James, getting up.

"Thanks for the talk," said Mercedes sarcastically.

James didn't turn around. His hand was on the doorknob when he heard his sister's sharp intake of breath.

"James."

"Stop," said James, apparently having caught on.

"James, it was such a long time ago…"

"You have no idea what's going on in my life," said James. "Don't even pretend you do. Okay?"

"I know," said Mercedes, walking over to him. "I know there must be a lot, but you never would have thought about suicide if—"

"I said to stop," James interrupted. "I'm going to bed."

Mercedes put her arms around him to give him a hug, and she was horrified when she realized how thin he really was.

"Good-night," she said, her voice unsteady.

"Morning, boys."

Lily was looking as bright as if she were standing before them at twelve noon instead of four in the morning.

"Morning," they grumbled.

"Hogsmeade—what's open?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Everything…without any customers."

"Perfect," said Lily. "Let's go."

"What are we doing?" asked Remus. He was still half-asleep, being supported by both Peter and Sirius.

"Evidently, we're heading to Hogsmeade," said Sirius.

"With Head Girl," said Peter, sniggering.

Remus mumbled something incoherent in response.

Less than ten minutes later, they found themselves in Hogsmeade. The fresh air had woken Remus up a bit more, and he was suggesting places to stop at first.

"We have to go to The Three Broomsticks first," said Lily. "That's a tradition Sirius and I have."

"All right," said Peter. "We don't want to hear that story again."

Remus laughed.

Lily smiled. Remus was laughing. Peter was joking around. Operation de-depress-the-marauders was working out nicely so far for the two of them, and they were only ten minutes in!

Sirius, however, hadn't said a word since they walked out of the common room.

Lily put her head on his shoulder, forcing him to wrap an arm around her waist to keep her balanced as they walked.

"I know what you're trying to do," said Sirius.

"Pretend it's working. Smile for me," Lily pleaded.

They walked into the pub together, following Remus and Peter at a distance.

"He won't write me back," said Sirius.

"Oh, it's been two days…almost three," said Lily. "Give him time."

"Don't be ridiculous. You know he's not going to write me. He hates me right now," said Sirius.

"Do—do…do—do you want a butterbeer? I mean, you—you don't have to, but—"

"Merlin, Lily!" said Sirius, almost smiling. "I'm never going to live that down."

"Nope," said Lily, giggling. "Never."

"Just do me a favor, Sirius."

"Hmm?"

"Don't let yourself go, too," said Lily. "Even though it may not seem like it, James needs you."

Sirius sighed.

"Promise me."

"Fine," said Sirius. "I don't really know what you mean, but okay."

"Just stay who you are," said Lily. "Feel the things you feel…and no matter how much it hurts, don't try to stop loving who you love."

Sirius squeezed Lily's shoulder. "I'll do my best. I'd do better if you'd let me get drunk."

Lily snorted. "You have class in like four hours."

"There's no way in hell I'm going."

"Baby, please come out and eat."

Mrs. Potter desperately spoke to James through his bedroom door.

"Later," said James.

"James—"

"Mum, I will never eat again if you don't back away from my door now!" James shouted.

Mrs. Potter tried not to let James' hostility bother her, telling herself that it was just the disease talking.

"I'll come back a bit later," she said.

"Whatever," he said, spinning a quill around in his hand.

James' wastebasket could not fit another piece of parchment, so this new letter had to be the last. It had to be perfect.

"Dear Lily…"

No. Even that sounded stupid.

"Lily…"

It wasn't enough.

He could always skip the greeting and get right into the content.

No. That was too impersonal.

"My angel…" No, that one would probably have her running for the hills.

James decided he could work out the greeting after he had a good idea of the content.

"I wanted to say that, though I'm not so…"

No. That sounded pathetic.

James groaned, threw the parchment on the ground, and put his head into his hands. He gave up.

Author's Note: I'm really sorry if this chapter didn't come out very well. I was working on VERY (understand what I mean by VERY) limited time. I tried my absolute hardest, though, to make it good and get it up before Mexico. I hope you enjoyed it.