Warning: Long author's note.

Author's Note: I have changed this author's note a few times. I've come back to this chapter on many different days. Right now, I am "writing" this from my dorm room. I'm back at college. As you may have noticed, this took a longer time to get up than most or all of my updates since I've come back. I have some excuses. I'm not sure how often I will be updating now that I'm back at school. It's not just work and classes. There are other things I have here. But don't worry. I'm not planning to abandon. I just may be somewhat slower at updating.

Response to No one Special: I couldn't really respond to you individually, as you weren't signed in with a penname. That's not…really a good thing. I won't be pushy, but I will say that you should probably do something about that. :/. If it helps any, I can sort of empathize. I haven't been in that particular situation, but I do have a history of self-harm myself. I recommend help. :/.

….

James struggled to keep alert; even walking for the first time with Lily since the night their secret was revealed did not excite him enough to easily remain, so to speak, with it. He was so tired, so bloody tired.

He knew his eyes showed it, even if only he could tell. He had looked at himself in the mirror before leaving. Dark. Purple. Underneath his hazel eyes. He looked like hell.

Years before he may have been able to make it work to his advantage, show off, brag about what he had been doing that prevented him from sleeping. Even if it wasn't the truth.

But not anymore. He didn't mention his exhaustion.

"So, what inspired this treat?"

James looked questioningly at Lily.

"You know…patrolling."

"It's my job," said James.

Lily laughed dryly. "Well, I've been doing it with a different prefect every night. And now you're back. Why?"

James ran a hand through his hair and looked straight ahead. "Because things are back to normal now. Doing my duties as Head Boy is normal."

"If things are back to normal, why aren't you playing Quidditch again?" asked Lily.

"Because that," said James, "is not up to me. Gavin's taken over as captain, McGonagall kicked me off, and they have a new chaser. I can't just take over."

There was something odd about lying to Lily.

"True," she said.

They were silent again for a while, James thoughtful as they walked. In order to convince people that he was the old James Potter again, he would have to act like the old James Potter.

But how could he act like the old James without pushing Lily away? She didn't like the old James, right?

He didn't want to become someone that Lily didn't like.

He settled for something in between arrogant jerk James and the what everyone knew as the sick jerk James.

"You look lovely tonight, Evans."

James closed his eyes, bracing himself for whatever response he would get, and then quickly opened them. He was too tired to close his eyes while walking.

Lily did not answer for what seemed like the longest three or four minutes in the world. Finally, she spoke. Very softly, just above a whisper.

"Thank you."

James glanced at her and saw she was looking down at her feet.

"Sorry," he mumbled, thinking he had made her uncomfortable.

"Don't be."

The rest of the patrol was completed in silence.

….

"No!"

"Yes!"

James opened his eyes wearily and realized his face was shoved into his pillow.

"It's time to get up, James."

It was then that James, previously half-asleep, understood why he had been yelling. "I don't want to get up."

He heard Sirius laugh.

"Nobody wants to get up, Prongs. We just do."

"Whatever happened to the good old days, skipping classes…"

"Times change," said Sirius, shaking James. "Get up."

James pulled his head out of the pillow and sat up reluctantly. "You said you were proud. Doesn't that give me a sleep-in ticket?"

"Nope."

"But…I had to stay up doing patrolling."

"Which was your choice."

"But—"

"No, James," said Remus. James could make out only his blurry form walking to the bathroom. "Sirius, don't le—"

"I won't, Remus," said Sirius. He grabbed James' hand and dropped his glasses onto it. "Get up, Jamie."

James glared, his glasses still on his palm. "Never call me that."

Sirius merely laughed. "Common Room in ten minutes. We let you sleep in later than the rest of us, believe it or not."

"How about I just skip br—"

"Ten minutes."

Sirius had become kindly firm, never conceding. James never put up much of a fight anymore.

Which is exactly why he found himself about twenty minutes later walking into the Great Hall with his friends, trying to seem unfazed by the eyes that still followed him these days. He wasn't sure what they all meant. Were any still longing for James, or did they all simply think he was crazy?

Breakfast. James loathed it. The only thing that made it better than dinner was that there were less people around. Less people to stare at him, judge him, mock him, analyze his every move.

But there was still food, his greatest enemy of all. And still enough people to cause him unease.

One would assume that, after all the time that had passed since James' return, that the news of James would have been old news, that people would have moved onto other things. James supposed that they were stuck on this news because he was such a popular figure.

Not to mention how happy everyone thought James to be. Happy happy happy.

Lily was there, as well. She did not stare. She only briefly looked up from her pancakes and smiled slightly when the four marauders sat a little ways down from her.

The smile was probably for Sirius, though.

Not for them all.

Not for James.

James turned away from Lily and focused on his new task. Choosing a breakfast. There was food all around him. Enough to cause a panic attack. Eggs, bacon, pancakes—raspberry, chocolate chip, plain, blueberry, apple cinnamon—sausages, waffles, bagels…

And toast. Could James possibly get away with toast? Everything else was so nauseating.

And butter and jam and cream cheese.

Nauseating.

James looked again at Lily. It looked like she had decided on the chocolate chip pancakes, which she was taking bites of whenever the girl across from her took over speaking. He found himself intrigued. He didn't understand how she remained so thin and beautiful when just one bite of those pancakes, James was sure, would have ruined him.

Well, perhaps one bite was a bit of an exaggeration. But if he were to have two pancakes as Lily was, he knew his body would show it.

It didn't make sense. What was her secret? Unless she was extremely good at hiding it, she was not purging her food. And as far as James could tell, she did not exercise much. Where did she put that food?

For the first time in a while, chocolate chip pancakes looked appetizing. His stomach clenched a little at the thought of what they would do to him and the voice in his head prevented him from taking his own plate of them, but there was unmistakable desire somewhere in him. To be able to eat such a breakfast and not have anything to regret sounded truly…

He continued to watch Lily eat and laugh with her friend. What he wouldn't give to be able to not pay attention to his food the way she seemed to be. What he wouldn't give to remain thin no matter what he ate.

James turned away from Lily and looked instead at the toast. He reached for it and then realized that Remus was watching him carefully.

James raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

Remus shook his head. "Go ahead."

James kept his eyes locked with Remus while he took his toast and filled his goblet with water. It wasn't the easiest of tasks. Remus had been keeping an interestingly close watch on him.

But why he was being watched now… What was so interesting about his eating a damn piece of toast? Did Remus really think James was going to shove it somewhere while no one was looking?

Though, honestly, he probably would have if he could have gotten away with it.

When James was nearly done with his piece of dry toast, Sirius dropped a pancake on his plate wordlessly. James looked up, raising an eyebrow. Sirius was, however, looking in another direction. Conveniently.

James turned back to look at Remus across from him. "No."

"Half," said Remus."

"No."

"Half."

"No."

"It's all right, Remus," said Sirius, finally getting involved.

James watched their exchange, ready for Sirius to come with some sort of defense for James not eating the pancakes.

Remus opened his mouth, probably to object, but Sirius put up a hand. "Don't worry. He and I will stay here until he eats. Right, James?"

James' mouth fell open. That was the defense?

Remus seemed pleased with the plan. James shook his head quickly. "But I thought I had to go to class?"

"You did," said Sirius. "Now you've gotta eat. It's a shame you and I won't make it to class today."

Remus seemed even more pleased now. Sirius was careful not to meet James' eyes. And Peter hid his own from what James assumed was awkwardness. Remus and Sirius seemed to be acting in a disgusting combined force of betrayal. And from what James could tell, they were enjoying it.

They were enjoying the idea of causing James serious unhappiness.

"I'm not staying here," said James stubbornly. He began rising from his chair, but Sirius pushed him back down with one hand on his shoulder. Easily.

"I think you are," said Sirius. For the first time, his eyes met James'. "You cannot overpower me, James. Perhaps if you had some pancakes…"

"Funny," said James. "Well, I'll sit here all day if you want. I won't eat that."

Sirius smiled, and James saw it as an evil smile. "I," he said, pulling a newspaper out of his bag, "have time."

"What's wrong, James?" said Remus, obviously feigning surprise. "I thought you were better…I thought you were back to normal?"

They were taunting him. James could feel himself shaking, ready to throw the messiest food at the table in their faces.

But he resisted. He would not give into such antics. He could not. They were already suspicious of him—for some reason—again. If he went and threw another tantrum, surely any façade he could manage to put up would be lost.

And he didn't need to look stupid, either.

His cover was blown when he didn't eat the pancakes, sure, but something had to have caused suspicion before that. The way Remus had been eyeing him… And now even if he did eat the pancake (Heaven help him), he would have made enough of a fuss that they would not believe he was all better. He should have just eaten some of it.

What was a few bites compared to what he would have to deal with now without taking them? He'd be having meals and lectures shoved down his throat on an hourly basis.

"Fine," said James. He ripped a piece of the pancake off with his hands and popped it in his mouth. Sirius seemed surprised. Remus did not.

….

Remus slammed the door. "Tell me how. Tell me how you're doing whatever it is!"

James gave him his best innocent look. "Doing what, Moony?"

Remus scoffed. "Doing what," he repeated, rolling his eyes.

Sirius and Peter watched this exchange with curious eyes. It was very unusual for Remus to lose his temper, and the two probably had no idea what he was on about.

"Doing what?"

James nodded slowly. He was very good at pretending he had no idea. He was generally very good at pretending absolutely anything.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "You've got your damn sisters crying for joy because they think you're getting better. You got Sirius, up until recently, feeling the same way. You have us walking around like blind idiots again, being played by you. Well, not anymore. How are you doing it?"

James laughed. "Seriously, Remus, what are you talking about?"

"I'm not stupid, James. I know who you are now. I know you wouldn't be eating everything willingly we've been forcing at you if you weren't finding a way to get rid of it all."

"Oh," said James, rolling his eyes. "I see. So, you'll never believe I'm better, will you? If I eat, I'm obviously throwing it up."

James turned towards Sirius, which turned about to be a mistake. He looked worse than he had ever seen him, seriously pained. Looking so confused and hurt and scared all at once, just staring at him with darkened eyes. It made James sick. A guilt washed over him.

"We never leave you alone!" said Remus. "So, how is your master plan working? How are you evading us?"

"I'm not!" said James. His eyes were still on Sirius, his voice came out weak. He was faltering; his guilt was getting to him. The guilt that had driven him in one direction already was threatening to push him in another. He was so confused. How could he be okay knowing that he was causing such turmoil in his best friend?

"I'm…not," he repeated slowly.

His head was spinning. Guilt. The room was really spinning. Guilty.

No matter which direction, guilt.

James realized he had essentially started tuning out Remus when he heard him talking again.

"…at dinner, and depending on what day, we—oh, dear Merlin!"

"What?" Sirius responded immediately. "What's wrong?"

Remus did not answer him; he continued to stare at James, looking disgusted. "Seriously? In the shower? Please tell me I'm wrong."

James didn't answer.

Remus shook his head. "It's come to the point where you can't even be trusted to take a shower. James, don't you realize how hard we're working to—"

At that moment, the guilt James had been feeling was pushed away a bit when a new feeling came through, one he couldn't quite place. A mixture of anger, pain, and a sudden need for his friends to understand.

"Hard you're working? Hard?" he interrupted.

His voice began barely above a whisper and became louder and louder as he spoke. He kept his eyes moving from friend to friend.

"You think it's hard for you? First of all, I go out of my way to make sure you see nothing—nothing. I work hard. And then when you do see a damn thing, you get to shove a damn pancake in my face. How difficult, how painful it must be for you.

"And I live every damn minute of my life working to better myself, to be something I can actually look at and be happy with, to be someone worthwhile, to finally be good enough that I can stop working. To be good enough that I can relax, that I can calm down for a second. But I never get there.

"You don't know what that's like. You sit and watch, you say 'how sad.' You feel bad, you blame yourself.

"First of all, you've got nothing to blame yourselves for. But let me tell you something, even if you did, that's guilt. That's not hard work. Guilt…guilt comes easy."

Everyone was silent throughout James' speech and for a little while after he finished. He wasn't sure if he had made a mistake or not by letting his feelings get the best of him the way he had done.

Finally, Sirius spoke up. To James, he seemed slightly more cheerful, but his eyes were still a bit pained, and he was furrowing his eyebrows.

"Why do you feel guilty, mate? Is that what this all is? Punishment?"

"No," said James. "And I never—"

"What," Remus interrupted, "do you feel guilty about?"

James made a frustrated noise. "I never sa—"

"Tell us," said Sirius. "Tell us. Right. Now."

Author's Note: Maybe you want to review? Maybe? But no pressure… So tired. Posting this and bed soon after.