Cause you have climbed an uphill road
You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights
Nearly giving up the fight
Watch your dreams like fallen stars
Heartache made you who you are
Looking back you see that I've always been there
Where you gonna hide, where you gonna hide from me?
Where you gonna go, where you gonna go that I can't see?
Cause I have heard your cry
And it breaks my heart, for I love you so
I will never lie
This is not the end
There is still a hope
-"I Will Show You Love", Kendall Payne
They had been on the road for a little over five hours. It had been a smooth ride so far - minimal traffic in Philly, though Mulder wasn't sure they'd be so lucky trying to navigate New York City. Mulder was enjoying their time in the car together. They were making small talk the whole way
He'd picked her up at her apartment this morning and he felt unusually nervous. They'd been best friends for more than five years now, but this was new for them. Of course he was in love with her, but he didn't know what to do about it. Mulder wasn't even positive of his motives when he invited Scully up to Chilmark. He knew that it'd been a hell of a past year or two - Scully's cancer, Emily, and now Antarctica more recently. He felt like they deserved time (together or otherwise) in a new environment - no ghosts, aliens, or mythical creatures, within his control.
She was beautiful this morning. Mulder had knocked, and she answered almost immediately, like she'd been expecting him. When Scully opened the door, Mulder almost gasped. He was so used to his very structured Scully - with the perfectly pressed suits, the pumps, the button-ups. When she wasn't in that, Mulder was used to seeing her in pajamas, in hotel rooms while out in the field, or on the off-chance he came to visit her, it was always at night, interrupting something.
So when she answered the door and he noticed her usually perfectly coiffed copper bob was straightened, appearing longer, and her side bangs ever-present, his mouth went dry. Her face was fresh, her eyes glittering blue. She was clad in low-slung jeans and a soft butter-yellow t-shirt. Scully looked ten years younger, like a graduate student or something. She was so relaxed and at ease. Mulder thought she'd never looked sexier to him. But of course, Mulder was always attracted to her.
As he drove, he silently wondered if this was their time. They'd been through so much, continually proving that together they were stronger. He wasn't sure how Scully felt about him entirely. At times he thought she returned his feelings, and there were other times where he thought she couldn't stand him. The tension between them was undeniable to both of them, however.
Somewhere between Philadelphia and Manhattan, Scully's stomach began to growl.
She unconsciously touched her stomach. Mulder gave her the side-eye.
"You wanna stop somewhere, Scully?"
Scully glanced at the clock. It was noon. She was hungry but didn't want to stop to sit down and eat, she wanted to keep on course so they'd blow through Manhattan.
"Can we just hit a drive thru?"
"Of course," he responded, glancing at the food signs upon approaching the next exit. "Looks like this exit has a Wendy's, a McDonalds, and a Taco Bell..."
"Wendy's is fine, if that works for you," she said, silently displeased at the frequent unhealthy fast-food options.
Mulder pulled onto the ramp, exiting and heading towards Wendy's. They ordered their food and pulled around. A spicy chicken for Mulder and a salad for Scully. He raised his eyebrow at her as he handed her the bag while they sat at the drive-thru window. Scully's cancer had been in remission for about a year now, and she'd been slow to gain back the weight she'd lost from being sick. Mulder loved her regardless, but it didn't mean he didn't worry about her.
Scully didn't know this, but her cancer pushed Mulder to the edge more than her abduction did. Cancer led to uncertainty... there was no one way it happened. It was different for everyone, and the kind of cancer she had - it was a death sentence. Mulder ran around, desperate. He was so torn between wanting to spend time with her, in fear she may die and trying desperately to find a cure for her cancer, or to find answers. Anything. He wished there was a way he could have traded places with her, kept her safe.
And of course, they'd not discussed the effects of her cancer, on either of them. They just continually moved forward. Mulder still had nightmares of Scully's cancer returning, and having to look into her tired eyes, that sunk into her face. Having to go through bouts of chemo with her. She deserved so much better.
"What's that look for?" Scully said, as they pulled away from the window.
Mulder shook his head, as if to indicate he meant nothing, but she knew better.
"No seriously, what?"
He sighed, not wanting to get into this conversation with four hours still left on the road and a whole weekend ahead of them.
"I just hope you're... not eating just a salad because you think you need to watch your figure or something."
Scully's eyebrow hit her hairline. That's what this was about? "Since when has my figure mattered to you?"
Mulder sighed. This wasn't how he envisioned this conversation at all.
"I just mean that I worry about you, Scully, that's all."
Scully made to protest immediately but Mulder interrupted her.
"I don't mean that you can't take care of yourself – because I know you can… I just worry – Scully you have no idea… please don't take it personally."
Scully was thoughtful for a minute. "Why do you worry about me so much, Mulder?"
He was silent for a few minutes. Mulder wanted to be honest, but he hadn't talked about this with her – or anyone.
"I know we haven't really talked about it, but... I had an incredibly hard time with your cancer... I don't mean to make this about me, because I can't even imagine what you went through, Scully, but... I think it's something I still struggle with."
He kept his eyes forward on the road at his admission.
Scully's heart broke for him. Mulder was this pillar of strength to her - he'd always been, and especially during her cancer. She had no idea he had such a hard time with it. It wasn't entirely shocking, but the admission still rocked her.
She placed her hand over his, resting on the center console "Mulder, if you had a hard time you should have told me... we could have talked about it and dealt with it together."
He stared at their hands together, involuntarily shivering. "Scully, you had enough to deal with. I wanted to be strong for you... I had to be strong for you - for me too. But I was so afraid..."
Mulder stopped mid-sentence because he felt his voice crack. This was heavy stuff.
Reassuringly, Scully squeezed his hand. "I know," she whispered.
They were quiet again for a while. Scully kept her hand on top of Mulder's, loving the way it felt to touch him.
Things were changing between them. Maybe they had been for a while, and both of them had their heads in the sand for too long to realize it.
About a half-hour passed in silence before Mulder spoke again.
"Scully," he said, his voice rough with emotion. "There was so much I wanted to say to you then, some things I regret never telling you. Had you never made it... God forbid... I would have never forgiven myself."
Scully felt the tears well up. What did he mean by that? It was so strange, because she felt the same way. There was so much she wanted to tell him - then and now... and yet she never did.
Before she could press him further, he continued. "You deserve so much more than what was given to you, Scully. I'm tired of life kicking us in the nuts every time. I think that's why I wanted to come up here with you. I just want to make up for everything that has happened. I know I never can, but I want to try. You're an amazing person, Dana. I just... want to give you everything."
Wordlessly, Scully buried her face into their clasped hands, hiding her emotions from him, but placing a gentle kiss on his hand. If there ever was a way to get Scully to break, it was to have serious Mulder call her by her first name. She felt the tears prick in her eyes, and she was unable to contain them. They'd weathered so much together. Cancer was the one thing that they were almost unable to weather. The realization of one's own mortality is a sobering thought. It made Scully want to forget her barriers, her emotional walls, her reasons, and her excuses with Mulder. If not now, when? Time was a precious commodity, and only though understanding Mulder's feelings was she able to understand that. Every day they lived on borrowed time.
She mattered to someone.
"I love you," she whispered, her face twisted into a frown into his hand, trying to control the tears.
Mulder nearly flipped the car on the Jersey Turnpike.
"Scully I-" he began, his breath caught in his throat.
"No," she said firmly, looking up at him now. Mulder could see the unshed tears in her eyes. "I don't expect you to respond. I just want you to know that there are things I've wanted to say to you too, for so long. And that's it."
"I had no idea," he said finally, after a few moments. "I mean, sometimes I thought maybe yes... but I didn't know you felt that way. Jesus, Scully. Here we are trapped in this car for another three hours, and I am unable to respond because of it."
She tossed him a questionable glance. "Why can't you say what you want now?"
He turned to look at her fully and tossed her a wry grin. "Who said I wanted to say anything?"
The words died in her mouth at the realization of what he meant.
"Answer me this, Scully," he said. "Do you want more?"
His question was a loaded question, of course. But she knew what he meant anyway.
"Yes," she said, her voice just above a whisper.
Mulder exhaled a breath he was unaware he'd been holding.
"How much more?" He knew he was pushing the envelope. "Ideally, what do you want?"
Her brow furrowed at that. She wasn't sure how far she wanted to put herself out there with her feelings just yet. After all, turnabout is fair play, and Mulder hadn't divulged much.
"Quid pro quo, Mulder. Do you want more?"
Mulder smirked. Typical Scully. He steered with one hand while grabbing her left hand, which had retreated back into her lap.
"God, yes. Scully, I'm crazy for you. I've always been crazy about you. How could I not be?"
With that, a grin tugged at her lips. Was this really happening?
"How much more do you want, Mulder?"
He chuckled. "I believe it's your turn, but that's fine, we'll play by your rules. Honestly Scully, I want whatever you will give me. Anything... everything."
"But ideally?"
"Ideally, Dana, I want to be with you forever. I want to be your partner, your best friend like we have now - but I want to go home with you at the end of the day - make love to you at night... Call me selfish, but I want it all."
She stifled a moan at that whole scenario.
"I want it all too," she whispered, catching his eye and exchanging a long glance.
The pair was silent for some time, processing what was going on between them. They still had a bit of a car ride left to Chilmark.
"Damnit," he sighed, frustrated. He wanted to be there already to they could start their weekend. He wasn't sure what was in store for them – though he had a pretty good idea.
One thing was for sure – it would be interesting.