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Chapter 10, GGN

11/07/2011

Theo emerged from the lift holding a small crate. It was the morning after the party and my head was throbbing. I'd taken some headache pills to soothe the pain.
"What you got there Theo?" I asked.
"Just some fruit," he said honestly, tipping the crate so I could see a selection of oranges, apples and bananas. He dumped the box on the bar and then sat down on the sofa opposite me with a big cup of coffee. The place wasn't too badly trashed. At some point apparently Charlie Sheen had decided to set fire to one of the chairs, but apart from that the damage was minimal: a few broken glasses and bottles, some upturned furniture and various bits of discarded underwear.
"You're quite the party animal apparently," he smirked. I smiled catiously.
"I don't really remember it all. Weren't you there?"
"Nope. I was down in the lobby searching all the guests," said Theo calmly.
"Really? You thought one of his guests might be a danger to Snoop?"
"You never know…" said Theo, gazing into his coffee. "Snoop is a powerful man, his music influences people across the world."
"Still?" I asked. He frowned.

"You niggas up already?" asked Snoop, who sauntered in from his room wearing a dark blue fur coat that fell to the floor, and a woman with huge breasts trailing from his arm.
"Ok baby," he said turning to the stripper, "thank yo fo last night, now off you go. Yeah I'll blow y'all a kiss baby, mwah. Go on, out the door," Snoop ushered the stripper into the lift, and was gone when the doors slid shut.

Snoop sighed and sat down on the sofa next to me.
"How you doin' Diz?" asked Snoop.
"I'm alright: got a hangover," I admitted. Snoop whistled.
"Oh man, love tha' shit, makes y'all know that you really alive." I laughed, admiring Snoop's positive outlook on life, although questioning whether or not that should apply to hangovers. Then Snoop stood and addressed Theo.

"Man, I got a radio shift today at 10:00," he sighed to Theo, who looked anxiously at his watch.
"That's in 7 minutes boss," said Theo. Snoop stroked his beard.
"Well I'm gow'n get into the studio now then," he paused before turning to me, "Come own Diz, we gow'n show you my studio."
"Really?" I asked. I expected we'd have to drive somewhere in the Aventador, but Snoop simply walked through the hallways to the back of the house. There were at least eight rooms here which I hadn't seen yet, but Snoop walked past them all to a heavy wooden door.

"This is where the magic happens," he said, pushing open the door like the guardian of a sweet factory and guiding me in. The door slammed shut behind me, and Snoop and I were momentarily suspended in total darkness.
"Snoop Dogg," said Snoop, in the same way he had in the lift.
"Welcome Mr Dogg," said the same Android voice from the lift and bright lights penetrated the darkness, burning into my pupils. This was Snoop's studio: two rooms, one with a huge board with hundreds of buttons levers and multi-coloured lights, as well as microphones, speakers, cup holders and a waste bin, the walls lined with fresh green bamboo. The other room was separated by a wall, accessible by another wooden door with a thick pane of glass set into the wall, and was plain and white, presumably for recording.

"Sweet," I whistled, "So what are we doin'?" I asked.
"Well, every Monday I do a radio show for Jack FM. It's called GGN, or Double G News."
"You do the news?" I asked incredulously.
"Well it ain't really news, I just chat shit for about 30 minutes and play my favourite tunes," Theo walked in with two cups of coffee and a laptop, placing the laptop and one of the coffee cups in front of Snoop, and shoving the other one into my hand.

"Bad news boss," said Theo, "Looks like the Don ain't showin' up today."
"What the fuck… Damn that mother fucker," yelled Snoop, slamming his fist into the wall.
"You can do the show me can't yo Diz?" he said after a moment.
"I'd love to, but I don't really know what I'm doin'," I told Snoop. Theo left the room.
"No don't worry man, it's easy. You just gotta play along and be yowself. We gonna light up some blunts too."
"Ok then," I said, my eyes flaring at the mention of blunts.

"Good," smiled Snoop, "but first you need a name, a codename. Mine's 'Nemo Hoes'."
"Nice," I laughed, "I could be… Ivon Beaches?" I suggested. Snoop looked at me puzzled whilst he tried to get the joke.
"I don't get it," he said after a few seconds.
"Ivon Beaches," I said in an impression of the Terminator. Snoop hooted with laughter, clapping his hands.
"Yeah man. I love that," he said, putting on some glasses. He pulled out a blunt and gave it to me, lighting the end before doing the same to his own.

"Just be cool man: we on air in 5, 4, 3…" he counted down with his fingers until there was a beep and a big red light came on.
"Hello California, welcome to GGN, Double G news. This is Nemo Hoes reportin'," he smiled.
"Now we got a new reporter for you this mornin': brought in from planet Dizzus, it's Ivon Beaches everybody. Say hey Ivon," Snoop said, visibly trying not to laugh.

"Hello," I said in my Terminator voice: Snoop literally fell off his stool laughing.
"I mean, hello and welcome to the show," I said in my normal voice. I figured what the fuck, nobody knows who I am and they can't see me: I was gonna enjoy this broadcast.
"My apologies ladies and gentlemen," I continued, "Sno- I mean Nemo is having some toilet trouble. He'll be back in a minute." This brought more gurgles of laughter from Snoop, who was apparently having trouble breathing.
"Well, this is awkward," I mused out loud. How did I speak to a ravenous audience without Snoop, who seemed to be dying of laughter?
"How about some music to start the day?" I asked to nobody in particular. Reaching over to the computer I zapped on Drop It Like It's Hot, one of Snoop's finest.

"What the fuck do I do? How I am I supposed to entertain an audience when you're on the floor?" Snoop crawled back into his chair, wiping imaginary tears from his eyes.
"Diz you doin' fine. Man jus' keep goin' like that, I'll be okay in a minute." He downed his coffee.
Fuck radio.

If you have no idea what this is about, type 'GGN' into YouTube. It's so funny. Anyway, reviews please….