When I'm dead I won't feel any pain

But when I'm dead I won't feel anything

"Is it better?" Bonnie blurted the question out after watching Dean Winchester and the angel Anna argue about the value of being able to feel. "Being able to turn it all off, I mean. Is it better?"

Damon no longer looked startled at her questions. It had been several weeks since she'd cast the spell and he'd spent nearly every night at Bonnie's, if she wasn't at the boarding house. "I couldn't do it anymore." He shrugged. "It gets...harder the older you get." Rose's words rang in his head. She'd been right. Some time after returning to Mystic Falls, he'd lost the ability to turn it all off.

"But is it better?" Bonnie asked again.

Damon shifted on her bed and was silent for a minute. "It's...easier." The answer left his mouth easily. It wasn't technically what she'd asked, though.

"But not better?" Bonnie pressed, truly wanting to know.

"Sometimes I think it is," he admitted.

Bonnie chewed her lip and looked away from him, staring off into space a moment, the show, which had progressed to Dean, Sam, and Ruby trying to hide the former angel from both Heaven and Hell went unnoticed by her as she contemplated her next problem. She was beginning to think that her earlier belief that the spell would play out and both break the connection and turn Damon back to the way he had been before wasn't going to happen. It had been weeks, after all. She was also starting to feel more and more guilty about it.

The connection they had...it wasn't all just magic. She was beginning to realize that the more time she spent with him.

"Maybe if I could do it, I wouldn't have been such an idiot." The words brought her out of her thoughts and she frowned at him.

"What?"

"The whole thing with Elena," he said, waving a hand as if it was nothing but she knew it was anything but.

"You love her." She said it as a statement. She hadn't spoken with Elena much over the past several weeks. She knew Elena and Damon had spoken but was unaware of the details of the conversation. She had hoped that they had worked things out but it seemed to her that Damon and Elena had been avoiding each other since.

Damon leaned close to her. "I thought I loved her." He reached out and brushed some of her hair back. "I think I made a terrible mistake."

"What kind of mistake?" Bonnie asked. She made no move to pull away, the look in his eyes freezing her.

"I think I've been looking in the wrong direction." The words were honest and the look in his eyes was painfully open. She didn't need the bond in that moment.

"What made you think that?" She asked hesitantly, unable to pull her gaze from his.

"Talked to her," he stated simply. "Then I came here...and it made me realize a few things I'd been missing before." He paused a moment. "Turning it all off means you don't have to feel pain but it also means you can't feel anything else."

Bonnie was entranced. She'd seen honest moments in him since casting the spell. He'd told her details about his past, mostly about the first time he was human but those rare moments were nothing compared to this. When he leaned forward,she didn't stop him. When his lips found hers, she didn't push him away. Her hand went automatically to the back of his head in an attempt to pull him even closer.

When he pulled back, the emotion in his eyes was just as raw as the ones she felt through the bond. "You still going to be here when I'm dead?"

Bonnie didn't have to think about the answer. "I'll be here." Because the kiss hadn't felt wrong like she would have expected. He leaned in again, only this time, she did stop him. "Wait. There's something I have to tell you."

xxxxxxxx

Bonnie was still sitting on her bed an hour after he left. Knees pulled up to her chest, she blinked back the tears that had started as soon as he had left. The anger and hurt she still felt pulsing through the bond was the only thing she could focus on.

Telling him had been something she'd had to do. She'd felt guilty enough keeping the connection from him when they were becoming friends but after that kiss...

He hadn't listened to her try to make explanations. He hadn't heard her when she'd tried to tell him that it was much more than the stupid bond now.

And now...now she was stuck. She could still feel him, still feel the hurt she had caused. Maybe he would hate her...like the way he hated Katherine. Maybe she'd go on that long list of disappointments.

Bonnie rested her forehead on her knees. How the hell was she supposed to fix this? God, she wanted to. She wanted to so badly. She was past any qualms she'd used to have when it came to Damon. She was past second guessing herself and him. She was past thinking this was a bad idea. She wanted him. She wanted him with her.

Why are you just sitting here then? Bonnie stood after a moment and wiped her eyes, determination settling into her. She'd never backed down from a challenge before. She'd just have to make him listen to her.

Xxxxxxxxx

A frown of worry formed on Stefan's face when he saw his brother. Stefan had always liked sitting on the roof of the boarding house and watching the sun set but he had never found Damon up there.

"What's wrong?" He asked when he caught the look on Damon's face. His frown turned into one of disapproval when he saw what Damon had in his hands. "Your drinking up here?" He asked incredulously. "You can't survive a fall from here anymore, Damon."

Damon did not glance over at him and he seemed to have ignored the words. "Katherine really did screw us, didn't she?" Damon's words were just slurred enough to tell Stefan that he was on his way to being drunk.

"I thought we both agreed on that a long time ago," Stefan answered him, sitting down. He watched his brother warily, intending on staying up there as long as Damon did. Even if Damon wasn't, Stefan was very aware of Damon's mortality.

"Yeah but I mean, really screwed. They should at least let the switch work longer if this is how it's going to turn out."

Stefan frowned. He'd seen Damon in one of these moods several times since they'd both returned to Mystic Falls. Usually, it was either Elena or Katherine who put him in one. This time, he didn't think it was either of them.

"You want to turn off your emotions again? You're human-"

Damon cut him off with a wave of his hand. "That's just temporary."

"How do you know? Bonnie wasn't even sure." Stefan didn't miss the flinch Damon gave at the mention of the witches name.

"I know my luck." Damon paused. "Maybe it's Karma," he decided with a nod, looking over at Stefan.

"You don't believe in that stuff," Stefan pointed out. He was sure of that.

Damon opened his mouth to answer but all that left his mouth was a cry of pain. He bent forward and would have rolled right off the roof if Stefan hadn't caught him.

Xxxxxxxxx

Bonnie nearly ran her car off the road when she felt it. She barely managed to maneuver it to the side and stop safely. She was breathless for a moment, holding one hand to her chest at the pain coming through the bond. It wasn't the hurt she had inflicted on him earlier. This was all physical.

Doing her best to ignore it, she jerked her car back on the road and sped up. She knew what was happening.

Xxxxxxxxx

Stefan sped his brother into the house. Damon had one hand wrapped around his midsection. His teeth were clenched so tight Stefan could hear them grinding together. Stefan laid him down on the couch but kept one hand on him, panic starting to form.

Damon dug his nails into Stefan's arm and his back bowed so far Stefan thought it might snap. His breath came out in little sharp gasps and Stefan could hear his heart beating fast, too fast.

It only lasted a few seconds, whatever it was, and then Damon stilled, relaxing into the couch.

Xxxxxxxx

Bonnie ran through the front door of the boarding house. The pain Damon had been feeling was gone but she was still frantic to get to him. She made it into the parlor and stopped short. Stefan was there with his back turned to her, leaning over the couch.

"Stefan?"

At her voice, he rose and turned his head. Bonnie's gaze, however, was drawn to the second figure that rose from the couch. Damon stood calmly. She watched as he reached around his brother to the ring sitting on the coffee table and put it on.

Bonnie recoiled, even stumbled back before she could close the distance between them when the connection between them snapped. The pain of it breaking had her leaning against one of the chairs in the room.

She felt someone grab her upper arm, steadying her and she looked up into those blue eyes. His expression was unreadable when she met his gaze. For the first time since she'd cast the first part of the spell, he was completely closed off from her.

She only had a second to contemplate it before he was gone from the room, moving faster than she could see.