Disclaimer: Jooooaaanneee... Roowliiing!
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"Your devotion is nothing more than cowardice. You would not be here if you had anywhere else to go."
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I remember when the world turned on me. It was not very sudden, so, perhaps I could have been more weary. But my father and I have always been on the similar terms, and when a summer before my last year came, I did not expert... We were just talking. A simple thing for many, but a difficult one for us. My father always talked to me with a sprinkle of disgust, which always hurt me more than I showed him. And the conversation we carried was simple enough. He was asking me of my future plans. I mentioned that becoming an Auror was one possibility and a simple deskwork was the other, he called me a good for nothing child, who couldn't even associate with the right company.
I laughed at his face with my squeakish laughter. When he asked why I was being so cheeky, i explained to him, that I was planning to apply together with James Potter and Sirius Black. His eyes went wider as he asked to repeat what he had just heard. I happily obliged. He choked.
I had never told him about anyone other than Remus. When I had to speak of Hogwarts I intentionally started sentences by mentioning Lupin and that made him stop questioning or paying attention. Now, I had just let my thoughts slip and my father was staring at me in wonder. And then he hit me.
It was a mean punch and it stroke true, bruising and bloodying my face. He called me a liar, he grabbed his wand, but I was standing before him with mine drawn. I never could cast spells in a rapid succession, but I was proud of my draw.
"Look, my dearest father, I might not be as quick as James or as crazy as Sirius or as smart as Remus, but I am of age and I do know a few spells to be deadly. You do not stand a chance. Throw your wand down."
Almost as if having been hit with a stunner, he rolled his eyes and put his wand on the table nearby.
"Fine. Leave." His voice was calm, metallic.
I was hurled out to the street in a few minutes I do not even remember. he felt Anger. Regret. I was standing there, outside the house I never liked, the house in which I had never found love. At first, his Fear was winning. After a few chaotic moments I considered everything anew. I had a trunk half full of my things, a pouch of money, half of which I had nicked from my father's desk, and not a single drop of water or bite of food...
I didn't manage a full inventory on what I had taken, and what I forgot, when I heard the intimidating hum of the wards. Wand in hand I started backtracking nearer to the street, but it was in vain. The wand I held was serving as a nuisance rather than asset, because it was recognized as aggression against the wards.
And that hurt.
A lot.
The lightning crackled on my skin, blackening a few spots in an instance. The force which threw me back made me hit the nearby tree with my back. My skin tore in a few places as if it was stretched by unseen and unrelenting hands. My scream tore through the neighbourhood. My back pressed to the same tree I was unceremoniously thrown into, blood leaking on the ground I was attempting some healing magic. I never was great at it, but at least I wasn't horrible either.
It was a while until I could move away. I figured the dearest father of mine throught it would be fun to exclude me from wards. He would make the bastard pay.
I ran through my friends in my head and chose one. My apparition was hasty, but successful. After a few knocks on the door it was opened.
"Wormtail?"
Instead of greeting Moony, my body somehow decided to throw up on his shoes.
"What happened? Death Eaters?" Remus was already dragging me inside. "You should have used your mirror. Was there no time?"
I managed a weak smile, remembering the sound of my father throwing it on the floor while I was nicking his money in the other room. "It broke."
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He was looking at the estate in view, examining the wards for the third time. Finally, he drew a breath and waved his wand a few times. The wards simmered a little and one of them gave way. It was a silent frizzle, but he still stilled and waited for a few moments before continuing his checks.
Only after he made sure the only dangerous ward to him was disabled, he transformed into the rat. The rat raced through the grass fields and up to the small estate. The wards let him pass, he was just a rat. He was looking for the owner. It took him a good hour to find out that he was in the study. He ran under the desk and unnoticed transformed back. Still unnoticed he took out his wand and pointed it at Crouch senior.
"Imperio."
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Remus did not understand me. He was cursed, looked down on, but never by his parents, who were trying for his sake as much as they could. Interestingly, it was the least serious of us all that understood my situation. Padfoot had already escaped his hellhole of a home and was living at the Potters. We were alike in that. But when he tried to speak to me about it, I apologised and changed the subject. It took but a few words to understand. It was similar, but very different. Sirius was waging a war against his mother and father for every day he was there. We all knew that he would run away someday. For me it was only tension, and the build up which exploded violently one day. I was not prepared to join Sirius with his parent bashing talks. I had no capacity for screaming my disappointment outside. It was a pain I thought I had to handle myself.
Perhaps that wasn't the brightest thing to do.
Thus I ended crashing at the Lupins for the last two weeks of summer. I would have liked to live with the Potters more, as his family had not enough to help me without harming themselves. With Padfoot already living off Potters I thought it would have been too rude of me to impose more.
I never understood why Moony never took money from us. I was not that well of, but both Sirius and James were filthy rich. Perhaps it was some kind of self worth his whole family had, which outshone the raw wealth.
I had none of that. I had one purpose in mind – living. It hurt me to see myself damaging my friends family, but I was sure I would find a way to live. So I quietened my conscience and regrets.
The Hogwarts Express met me, still full with doubts. Hogwarts was a fortress from the outer world, but it was influencing us. And the war was raging. We all entered our last year changed. It was probably because of the world outside. It is the way of the war, the way of the life. People change forever.
Remus was a lot quieter, always within himself. He was a prefect but he took to performing his duties absentmindedly. We figured he was more afraid of his secret leaking out. People were scared of werewolves, as it was rumoured that the Dark Lord had them under his wing. The name of Fenrir Greyback was often heard and whispers were told of his and other werewolf cruelty.
James was more of an adult. But that was because of Evans, so it was understandable. He was so much more mature, that we didn't even get surprised when he got his Head Boy letter. It was fitting.
Sirius didn't change, or at least tried to look like he didn't. He was somewhat more careful, a bit jumpy. He even tried to talk with his brother once or twice. No one knew what about.
Evans stated talking to us. Not that she ignored us at any point, but she did like the changes James brought to himself. Only Sirius was threading a dangerous road near her. But she took a liking to him in the end. Of course, our Prongs was the most likable to her now.
I was scared. I do not know if the war changed me of if my nature was speaking to me. I realized, that the final year was exactly that – final. And the war was raging outside, outside of the hundreds of ancient wards, outside the reach of Albus Dumbledore. It was meant to catch up with us. It was a horrifying thought. Whose wards would save me after this year?
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His eye was the most dangerous part of the mission. Even with two of them, he was a force to be reckoned with. The rat, as planned, was the best surprise for the former Auror. It was still a violent and loud confrontation, waking everyone up.
When the rat was already crouched in the corner, his partner was talking to Arthur. A similar face and voice. But the rat did not care. He was doing his Lords bidding. Staying alive.
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When James told us about him wanting to join the Order of Phoenix, I was gobsmacked.
"Isn't it dangerous?" I was shivering.
Sirius laughed. "Scared, Wormtail? And I thought we made a man out of you."
Moony was sharing my doubts. "You don't think Lily will oppose you, Prongs?"
"It was her idea. We have to do something to survive."
Yes, we had. I had. Could I?
"Look, Prongs, I promise you to think about it." I owed him at least that much.
"Would they even want to see a werewolf with them?"
"You know we should all join. And it is Albus Dumbledore we are talking about. You know him, Moony; he's the one who let you study here." Sirius was smirking. "And the one who let me stay after tricking Snivellus..." He felt silent, realising who he was telling what and gulped.
Remus stood up and started pacing around. "I'll think about it." He looked at Padfoot with an expression of hurt.
"Sorry." At least Black had the decency to take the blame for his mistake.
"Let's talk on this after we graduate. It's a few weeks anyway"
For the next whole week I was thinking of my choices. It was a hard decision and I the only place my mind could rest was as a rat in some corner. When others asked where I was gone to, I told them I was looking into where Filch had put our Map.
And there I was, my feelings under control, my thoughts on the smells and tastes, roaming the castle, when I noticed Moony sitting alone. His face had an expression he had when pretending not to listen. I looked around and there it was, Avery was talking to someone I couldn't see from there. I went closer.
"...and Fenrir just bit him in the back. The poor little wolf never had a chance."
Laughter.
"And you know how it is, once they get defeated by Greyback, they become extremely loyal..."
"That is called fear, you fool. He rules his pack by fear." The voice was familiar. Snivellus?
"No, it's in their blood. They have to listen to the pack leader; the curse gives them no choice."
"I still wouldn't trust them with anything."
"They are ugly and deformed, but they are useful to us. And who are you to question the Lord?"
I ran.
The rat was losing to the human thoughts.
I managed to dive in a gap near a polished armour and found myself in the small secret corridor.
My thoughts made me transform, so I could grasp everything better. He did not want to, though.
Remus was my friend.
He could be already defeated by Fenrir.
Moony was my friend.
Didn't he say that he was turned by Fenrir?
He was a little boy then.
But it changed him.
And what if it did? Lupin is our friend.
Does that matter if he is ordered to kill me?
He wouldn't.
What if he would?
"Wormtail?" Padfoot broke me from my thoughts. "Have you seen Moony? Are you waiting for someone here?"
"He was that way a few minutes ago." I gestured. "And be careful, Snivellus is nearby."
"Thanks. You know, the day I have to be careful when Snivellus is around, I will eat my socks." He looked at me, at the empty corridor and smiled. "I see. I won't be holding you up. Just don't show her every corridor."
And he left me there, blinking and confused.
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The ritual he was preparing for his lord made him shiver. Willinglygiven. Every second, when he was alone, it echoed inside his mind. Willingly given. Willingly taken. He scratched his arm. Was it worth it? He was willingly alive.
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It was a clumsy mistake. I didn't notice the anti disapparition jinx on the area and decided to run in the wrong direction. Hexes were flying above as I ran for cover in the nearby building.
Potter was a bastard.
'You do not have to join the Order, but could you just help me with this one thing?'
Why did I even consider saying 'yes'?
Order was full of phoenix shit.
We were trying to save a few lives, an unfamiliar muggle-born's family. The moment we got there, all hell broke loose. James was with Lily and Sirius, where I was separated from them. Dumbledore told us that it was a relatively safe mission. Sometimes I hated that old man. This time I did so with a flaming passion. How did we get into the trap? Only Remus was not with us, he told us he had something else to do. I was struggling to remember his exact excuse. It seemed important enough at the time.
A green hex soared so near me, I could taste my death in the air. I crashed through the window, transforming mid jump, marauder promises be damned...
The family we were trying to reach lay dead before me. Eyes empty, bodies motionless. Scarred faces and wounded hands. There was a strong smell of blood and piss. My rat nose was not happy. I ran upstairs, just to run into a nightmare alive.
There was a flash of green. A kid, no more than five, fell on the ground. His eyes were open, looking straight at me. The innocence of youth was being quickly replaced by a blank stare. He was dead. And near his small body, near the little plush dragon he had in his hands, there stood the Lord whose name we never dared to mutter.
I was too terrified to move.
The death had chosen that day as the show for me.
If the kid had been bloody, if the kid had looked battered and broken, I probably wouldn't have been as shocked as I was. Its stare was the one that would always flash to me in dreams. It was a testament to the Dark Lords power and his ruthlessness. Perhaps I could have run away. It wouldn't matter. One day, the Lord would find me. And he would kill me as effortlessly as he killed the little kid.
This was the family of the muggle-born who had written a few articles on the Dark Lord. He was trying to oppose the darkness. Lord must have taken it personally. We were lucky to be late. If he had been outside when we met the Death Eaters...
The monster, clad in darkness, turned to leave, his red eyes glittering with death. My friends were outside. How could I help them if he went outside?
James would have tried to hold him off or even attack, so Lily could escape.
Sirius would have shouted for us to leave to do the same.
Remus would have... What if Lupin did work for Fenrir? He never did mention the conversation we both overheard that evening. Perhaps he was already a spy?
He was.
That meant he was safer than all of us. The Dark Lord was winning. We had no chance. He was too strong.
I gathered all my gryffindor courage and changed back to my human form, already kneeling. My head lowered, eyes darting on the floor. As he turned around, I could hear my heartbeat.
"What do we have here?" The dark Lord's voice rang throughout me.
"Wormtail..." It felt as if I was slowly cutting myself to little pieces. "My Lord."
"Rise." He commanded and I obeyed. "Worm... tail."
His red eyes tore into mine. I squeaked.
"Tell me, Wormtail, why should I spare you? Why should you not die today?"
I could hear the distant enraged shouts of Death Eaters outside. Without their Lord they had lost their prey.
"I would serve you. I would spy for my Lord. I can offer you the Order of Phoenix. My Lord, I would be useful for you."
He smiled. I gulped.
"Your arm." He touched it with the tip of his wand. "My mark must be willingly taken."
I felt the darkness of his magic, the wind of Death.
I embraced it as if meeting an old friend.
"My life is yours, my Lord."
Pain surged through me, and I was his now.
Forever.
"Now, Wormtail, you must return to your friends. I will call for you when I need you."
I bowed to him, and turned back into the rat.
It was a few hours later when we were sitting at the Potters, and I was telling Lily and other marauders how I hid in the house for a few hours, and left after they raised the dark mark in the sky, when Padfoot turned to Moony.
"What do you think, Remus, was that a set up, or a really bad coincidence?"
James was staring at Sirius, Moony was looking at the ceiling, and I was gaping at James. We all had reached the similar conclusion, and Moony had to explain:
"I'm sorry. I should have been there."
"Damn well you should have! We nearly lost Wormtail!"
"Silence!" Lily set us straight rather quickly. "Are you the best friends or not? Shut up and listen to yourselves talk. We got into an ambush and got back safe. That's all that matters. It was dangerous when we agreed to help. It will be even more so in the future. But someone must fight."
We all looked embarrassed as if we were at school, being scolded by McGonagall.
"Look, Moony, I'm sorry." Padfoot extended his hand to shake his. "Let's finish eating, and we'll go to Dumbledore. Prongs, I'm joining with you and Lily Flower. I was sure yesterday, I'm sure today."
"I'm joining too." Remus was a shade nervous. "I won't risk losing my mates again."
"I'm in too." As I finished, James clasped my hand and then Remus':
"You were brave today, Wormtail."
"Next time, don't play so close to deadly curses, alright?" Remus eyes were full of sincerity. "I value all my mates very much."
We were silent for a few minutes, slowly eating the small meal.
Remus was not a spy.
I was.
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The creature was as patient as ugly – incredibly. The other man was walking nervously through the cemetery. It was prepared. The boy would arrive any second. Prongs' son. The creature was certain. He was scared, but he obeyed his Lord. My life was his.
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Every Death Eater received a gift upon joining.
A gift, meant to test our strength.
Mine was my father.
I killed him.
Gladly.