I'm back, baby! :) I struggled a lot with this chapter, I went through a Muse crisis during the past few weeks, I couldn't write anymore. This is not one of my favorite pieces ever but I needed to update and get out of the stall ;) Hope you like it anyways!

It's set after the s5 finale with mentions of the 100th episode but there are no spoilers for s6.

Thanks as always to my great beta Bonesbird for check and feedback. And Bones did not become mine in this past month, buy the way! (only ONE WEEK until Bones comes back, people!)

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Instant

An instant. It was all about an instant. A brief but unforgettable instant. That instant was all she could think about for days, weeks, months. She analyzed skeletal remains of an ancient native population of the islands but she was distracted, because all she could focus on was that infamous instant, those three seconds, those few heartbeats. It seemed to her so much longer as she replayed it in her minds countless times.

Her whole life has been full of instants, apparently. She lost many of them, she caught others, some others she just enjoyed. But that instant, that particular moment of her life was basically what she wanted to hold on to for the rest of her life. Because, if the future ahead went the way she thought and feared, that instant, and all the other previous ones, would be all she had left. And if not… if not she wanted to let that moment teach her something. But it had already taught her something, hadn't it? That's why she was there, without being able to stop thinking about it, to stop closing her eyes and … yeah, she couldn't say that it was nothing this time, that it didn't mean anything. It id. Hell if it did.

Since she couldn't use her usual way of dealing with these things – denial – she unconsciously adopted the opposite strategy, less like her but way more comforting, even if, in this particular situation, it was more sad than comforting. And it was about trying to go back there, to enjoy it fully, let it wash over her and take her to that instant. Not useful and totally irrational but it made her feel warm, even if for just a little while, even if at the same time made her feel more alone than ever. But she couldn't stop. It had become an addiction.

Because during that instant she had felt better than ever, for those three seconds she felt complete, for those three seconds everything made sense. For those three seconds she finally lost herself in another person, the way she had hoped she could. Three seconds to go with her heart, three heartbeats to feel like a normal girl in … love, three steamboats that meant to them ten times more than that famous flotilla from two years before. It was just about them, him and her, one's lips on the other's, desperately feeling.

And for three seconds she did. She felt. She allowed herself to accept and to reciprocate that desperate love she wanted and needed so much.

Three seconds until her brain came in between her and her heart and started dictating the rules. Three seconds until her brain, on which she could usually count on, kicked in and ruined everything. She started to think. She started to realize what was happening. Old fears reemerged. She couldn't be loved. She always screwed everything up. She couldn't do it with him. She couldn't hurt him like that. She would never forgive herself if she did.

But she did anyway. She had rejected the best man she could possibly find. Because that's what he was. He had changed her so much and for the better, too. She knew that. But she knew as well that she wasn't the best for him. She loved him, she did, but she didn't deserve him.

So she just closed her eyes and went back with her mind to that instant, that last kiss, so desperate, so rough, so passionate, so real. She lost herself in those few seconds. For now thinking and savoring them was enough to make her feel better. It was just a memory, fading away more and more every day, but for now it made her feel nice and loved.

There was just one problem. She knew that, like any addiction, sooner or later it would stop feeling good and start to hurt.

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What do you think, you all? Still with me even after the hiatus? Don't forget to review and let me know, when my Muse is in a crisis I need feedback like I need air!

And if you have any J-words to suggest, you're very welcome to suggest them! I'm still stuck with the next chapter, so if I find the right word maybe Muse will cooperate too!