After almost a month of cutting, Tina becomes reckless. In P.E., she lets the waistband of her shorts fall below the line of her highest cut. When she changes, her right hip faces toward the other girls, and more than occasionally are cuts painfully visible above or below her waistband. But still no one notices.
Tina withdraws more into herself and her parents begin to notice.
All that Tina sees, however, is that they doubt her. They don't trust her. They ask her questions about school, but seem to second guess her answers. They bother her about why they've never met any of her friends. So Tina snaps back at them and runs upstairs.
She stops doing her homework. She sits around catatonic for hours, simply staring at the page of a book or the screen of her computer.
Her parents continue to ask annoying, probing questions.
In school, her English teacher asks her to stay behind after class. Tina, she says, is something wrong? You seem so much more detached in class. I could usually count on you to be attentive, even if you never spoke. But now you seem to be slipping away. Your work isn't up to its usual standard.
I'm fine, Tina assures her. She walks away.
Because now, Tina's greatest fear is that she will be discovered. Before, all she wanted was the dream group of friends who made her feel special. But now they pose a threat. If someone finds out, they'll tell someone else. And then people will think that she is crazy or depressed or worse. They won't believe her when she tells them that she is in control.
Is she in control?
The next day, Tina receives a note in first period class. It is a summons to the guidance office during her lunch period.
The school counselor, a petite red-headed woman, explains that Tina's English teacher contacted her because she was worried that Tina was having trouble transitioning to high school. That she was working herself too hard and now it was taking a toll on her. Tina smiles and tells the woman that no, she is fine.
As Tina gets up to leave the room, she catches the counselor's eye for just a second. And she lets down all her guards, hoping that someone will sense that she wants to be noticed. But all the woman says is Thank you for coming Tina. I hope your classes continue to go well.
Tina doesn't know that after she leaves, the counselor sends out an email to all of her teachers, innocently asking for a report on her progress in their classes. Just to check if the transition to high school is going well for Tina.
The next evening, Tina's father says that he received a call from a Ms. Pillsbury at Tina's school. He says that she told him that she was worried about Tina. That Tina didn't seem to be socializing as much as the other students and her grades were beginning to drop.
Tina feels betrayed by the petite redhead.
He parents are worried. But she convinces them that she is fine. Still, Tina catches them watching her more closely after that.
And one day, Tina sees something that will help her. If everyone believes that she is fine, if she appears to be more like the rest of the kids in high school, then no one will worry any more.
So she puts her name down on the list. She can sing. No one pays attention to the Glee club. It's the perfect cover up.
At dinner, Tina's mother asks her what happened in school. And Tina says that she tried out for the glee club. Her father's brow creases, a worried and disapproving look coming over his face. Don't worry, she says, it doesn't take up that much time. And it looks good on college applications. He perks up.
Tina goes to the glee club practice after school the next day. She doesn't talk to the others there, students she'd only ever glanced at in the halls before. She walks straight to the bathroom when practice ends. In the safety of the stall, Tina pulls down the waistband to reveal the thin red gashes across her hip. She smiles at them. They are her weakness, her indulgent pleasure. As she runs the razor across an old scar, she allows one small gasp to escape her mouth.
And then she hears the other girl in the bathroom.
One of the girls from glee club. The black girl. She must have followed Tina in. When Tina exits the stall, the girl turns to her. Are you okay? I thought I heard something... she asks.
Tina nods her head and washes her hands and leaves the girl behind in the bathroom.
But now Tina can't seem to shake this girl. When before all she wanted was a friend, now that she has someone who wants the same thing she can't run away fast enough.
And still the girl pursues. She and the boy from glee club, the one with the high voice, place their trays next to Tina's at lunch. She looks up in surprise, and they both smile at her. They are genuinely glad to see her. A few minutes later, the other boy, the one in the wheelchair, timidly rolls over and asks if he can join.
Soon, the other three are laughing and joking. Tina tries to smile, but has almost forgotten what it feels like. She excuses herself from the table before lunch ends and cuts open another gash on her hip.
But now when she looks down at the blood stains and the scars and the open gashes, she does not see the beauty that she used to. She is disgusted by what she has done. That was the work of a coward. And now, no matter if she continues or not, she will always be labeled as a cutter. The scars will always be there. And someone will always be there to assume the worst about her.
So the next day Tina leaves her razor at home.
She hides her scars in P.E.
She tries to become invisible again.
But now it is much harder since these three people, teammates, friends have decided to care about her. Mercedes and Kurt and Artie. They do not ignore her. They do not think she is invisible. They do not know yet to be worried about her, though, so they do not ask the questions that Tina now fears.
And now the glee club has grown, and Tina is no longer invisible. Because the other students do not like that the glee club has come together. Because everyone there is hiding something, just like Tina. And glee helps them all.
Tina's razor sits in a box on a bookshelf in her bedroom. She has not stopped cutting, but she doesn't cut as often. She rarely brings it to school with her, because at school she no longer needs to feel the pain in her side that reminds her that she controls her life. Because her life at school is no longer just her own. Now it is intertwined with Mercedes' and Kurt's and Artie's and even Rachel's and Finn's and everyone else's, too.
And then Tina tells them the truth about her, her second biggest secret. And she had to go home and mar her hip three more times, and watch the blood drip onto her hand. The blood that is still so red that Tina isn't even yet used to the color. But she goes back to school and the glee club supports her more than ever before. And so she begins to speak in class again, only this time without a stutter. And Tina's hip begins to heal. The cuts scab over and no new ones reopen them, not for two whole weeks.