Freedom
Chapter 7
RPOV
We arrived back at Rangeman in silence. Steph let herself out of the Cayenne before I had a chance to open her door and she was already heading towards the elevator. I caught up just in time to follow her into the elevator. She stood in the corner, arms crossed over her chest, obviously keeping me at bay. Curious as to what she was up to, I decided to quietly observe. When we entered the apt., she put her cash and i.d. in the key tray and rushed through the bedroom into the bathroom where she locked herself in. I removed my gunbelt and boots, setting them in the closet. I stripped down and put on a pair of lounge pants, deciding we were in for the evening and called Ella, requesting dinner and whatever she could come up with for dessert.
I had just about had enough of waiting for her to emerge when I heard sobbing. I stood on the other side of the door, trying to respect her privacy. "Babe, is everything alright?" The sobbing got louder. "Stephanie, open the door." I heard her gasp and then the sobbing continued even louder. I must have said that a little harsher than intended. Deciding I'd had enough, I picked the lock and slowly opened the door. Steph was sitting on the side of the Jacuzzi tub, face in her hands, crying her heart out.
"Can you ever forgive me?" I pulled her hands from her face, trying not to smile at the sight before me, that beautiful face with all her courage, aka mascara, streaming down her cheeks, lipstick smeared. I ran a washcloth under the hot water and wiped her face, hoping it would have a calming effect.
She took a few deep breaths. "Of course, babe, always. Why don't you change your clothes, get comfortable and meet me in the living room. Ella will be up with dinner in an hour." She nodded, still not making eye contact.
Ten minutes later, Steph emerged from the bedroom, hair in a ponytail, wearing a pair of boxers and a tight tank top. I don't know how she thinks I'm supposed to concentrate with her wearing that. She sat down on the opposite end of the sofa as me and hugged a throw pillow to her chest. Taking one more deep breath, probably for courage, she began.
"I have always felt like a failure with men." I took a deep breath to refute her but she beat me to it. "Listen to me, ok? Or I won't be able to get through this. My first marriage was a disaster. Dickie slept with any woman who would have him. From what I found out after the fact, he started cheating on me as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. Did I ever tell you about our super romantic weekend we had in Atlantic City? Him gambling and drinking and hitting on all the cocktail waitresses, me shopping and watching movies in our room?" She shuddered. I can't imagine a man not cherishing this sexy creature. If it had been me, we'd never left the room. "Finding him having sex on our dining room table with that skank, Joyce was the straw the broke this camel's back. I only stayed because I had nowhere to go. No money, no car, no place to stay. Mom said moving in with her would only disgrace her and the family, so I got a job at the lingerie company and my Dad secretly loaned me some money so I could move into my apartment." I just wanted to hold her, to tell her she'd never again have to face the shame of infidelity or the devastation and fear of being homeless. Watching her cross the room and bring over the tissue box, I just wanted to pull her on my lap, but I resisted. After blowing her nose and taking another deep breath, she continued.
"I was broken. I was going through life, but not really living it, I had let him tear me down. " Gathering her thoughts and catching her breath, she continued. "When I started seeing Joe, it was really to keep from being lonely. We watched games together, we ate the same foods, and the physical part of the relationship filled something I was missing. When I met you, for the first time, I felt a spark inside me. Like a car being jump started. You changed my life when you agreed to be my mentor, but soon after, you also became my best friend. I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. What I didn't realize until after that one night with you was that Joe and I always had sex. I didn't know the difference between that and making love until you. But then you left. Even though I knew he too had cheated on me, I couldn't go through the shame of the 'burg knowing I was a failure. That's why we kept breaking up. He'd cheat or yell at me about my job…or you, and I'd pull away." Putting her head in her hands, she spoke so quietly, I had to strain to hear her. "Eventually, I didn't care anymore, I'd rather be alone than with the likes of him. It figures that I would be the one to bring out the Morelli men's curse of abuse…"
I stood up, knowing I'd startle her. "Stop!" Steph looked at me with shock and stood up to run. "No! You will not run away from me again! It's my turn to talk." I sat her down on the sofa, the only body parts touching were our hands which I was holding just tight enough to keep her in place as she sat across from me.
"Dickie was a real asshole. A pompous, arrogant, philandering womanizer who would have cheated on anyone he married. He needs to fuck a woman just to prove to himself that he's a man, not realizing that real men don't do that. I'm going to use a phrase you've made famous. It wasn't you. Most of my men, not to mention half the town would kill to be with you, and they wouldn't waste a good thing by stepping out on you. As far as Morelli goes, he was a warm body for you. He was safe because you had a history since childhood, not to mention your mother pushed you towards him every chance she got and she made your life tolerable when you were with him. Everyone approved of you two together because you were both 'burg. But you weren't meant to be or it wouldn't have been so hard. No one should have to try that hard to be together, it should come naturally." I had her attention, but it was hard to tell if she was mad or confused.
"You certainly did not bring out the Morelli curse. Joe did that all on his own. You finally stood up for what you didn't want. You were being true to yourself. He had no right to lay a hand on you." I reached up and wiped away the tears that were running down her cheeks. "I promise you that I will NEVER raise a hand to hurt you. I'd sooner die."
"Ranger, you don't understand. I don't deserve you. I'm afraid I'll ruin this too. Like earlier today, I keep messing up. I'm going to drive you crazy and you'll leave or…"
"Babe, I meant what I said at Lula's. I love you with everything I am. I love you because you're passionate about everything you do, you're the most loving person I've ever met, you accept those around you unconditionally until they give you reason not to."
"But…I'm affecting your business, something you've been building for years. Vince said…"
"No, Vince was wrong, he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. You've never negatively affected my business. You would do anything to protect me and my company."
I pulled her onto my lap. "Look me in the eyes and listen. I will not let you leave and I will never leave you. I want you. I want us. Forever. We're both in too deep to turn back now. I'm afraid you're stuck with me. We're a team now." She's smiling. I'll reassure her every day until this sinks in if that's what it takes. "I'm sorry for all the stupid shit I've pulled in the past. I'm sure it hasn't helped to make you feel secure, but I'd like to think my actions over these last couple of years have more than proven my love and devotion to you, even when my words did not."
She responded with silence… I seem to have given her something to think about. I took the opportunity to get a couple of bottles of water out of the kitchen. When I came back, she looked a bit more relaxed and almost relieved.
"You're right. You, more than anyone else in my life have always shown me you were there, no matter what. Always protecting me, sparing no expense to protect me. You always have confidence in me and tell me you're proud of me. I'm sorry I ran today. What Vince said shook me up. I know I'm not just a piece of ass to you. I shouldn't have let him get to me like that. I'm sorry. I have to stop letting what others say influence me so damn much! This is the second time I've almost lost you just because I was so insecure. I promise I won't let it happen again. I don't know why I ran, I felt like the walls were closing in. If I was causing you to lose business... But to have you looking for me, to have you come and get me is the proof I now realize I subconsciously didn't know I needed that you really are in it forever. That you're not going to leave me. I know I'm not making much sense, my words are all jumbled but if anyone can understand what I'm trying to say, it's you. You always could."
"I do understand, and I'll prove my love and devotion to you as much as you need. And babe, Vince is no longer employed here. I have yet to tell him that, but he'll get the message loud and clear when I hand him his ass tomorrow morning on the mats."
"Do you think I could have a go at him first? He almost ruined what we have, I need to stick up for myself."
"I'm not sure I could handle it if he hurt you." She flinched. "I'm not saying you can't defend yourself, but it would be hard to see him hit you. I'm always going to worry about you and your safety."
"Please, let me do this for me." She was tilting her head and blinking those eyelashes so seductively. Who does she think she's dealing with?
"Ok, Babe, we'll do this your way." She obviously knows who she's dealing with. It's official, I'm whipped. "Now, about us. I need a commitment from you that you won't leave when you're scared or frustrated or feeling trapped. Promise me you'll come to me next time you're feeling anxious, and if I'm not here, find Hal or Tank or one of the guys. We'll do our best to ground you."
"I promise."
"Thank you, babe. I need to trust that you'll stay and fight for us and I know your promise is as good as gold."
"I may need space to breathe from time to time, but when I feel the urge to run, I'll talk to you. Or at least ask you to help me escape."
"Thank you. Now, what can we do to help your sanity? I know you've felt like a caged animal these last few weeks."
"I would like to give notice on my apartment." I nodded in approval. "Then I want you to take me out on a lunch date for everyone to see us together." I was fighting to keep my mouth from expressing what my heart was feeling. "At Pino's."
"Pino's?" I almost choked. That's Morelli and the cops' favorite hangout.
"Ya, I want everyone to see us together in my most frequented restaurant. It's my comfort food source and I haven't been able to eat there in so long. Oh, and I want a lot of PDA's."
Huh? "What is a PDA?"
"You know, public displays of affection. Let me show you." She pulled my hands to around her neck and kissed me tenderly, then deeply. Getting lost in the moment, I foolishly agreed to her idea. Shit! This was not going to go well.
"Where did you get this sudden boost in confidence?" Not that I minded, but this sudden change is unexpected.
"I'm taking my life back. My little escape from reality gave me some time to clarify a few things in my mind. You not yelling at me or ridiculing me for my decision to run showed me how much you love and accept me. I love you and will no longer waste time letting the world know."
"How about this, tomorrow morning, after dealing with Vince, we go to your apartment building and give notice and arrange for everything to be disposed of since it can't be salvaged. Then we can go shopping for some new clothes that you get to pick out yourself, and finally, we go to Pino's. But we will have company. I'm not taking you there without a few of the guys." I reached my hand out to shake hers.
"Deal!"
I pulled her into me, leaning back to lay on the couch, pulling her on top of me. And that's when Ella decided to bring dinner in.
"Hello you two, don't let me interrupt. I'll just put dinner in the kitchen." Mama was sure to hear about this. I've been putting off seeing the family, but with Ella's cat that ate the canary look, I doubt I could hold them off much longer.
"Thank you, Ella."
We begrudgingly got up and filled our plates with tamales, black beans, guacamole & chips and fruit salad, grabbed a beer and returned to the living room. I turned on the stereo, putting on some romantic music, hoping to give Steph a hint as to our evening activities. She looked at me when the first song came on, giving me an 'I know what you're up to' look. We talked about my day while we ate. I told her how much I was looking forward to coming back to Rangeman to have lunch with her and re-center myself. I also told her about watching the video footage in the break room with Vince and Cal and how upset myself and the guys had been. I expressed my fear over not knowing where she'd gone and not knowing if she'd been followed. She asked about what Vince had said about losing a big client because I was distracted. I told her in no uncertain terms that losing that client had nothing to do with her. When I went to the client's location, I saw merchandise that I was sure was stolen. Not wanting anything to do with illegal activities, I simply told the owner we would not be taking him on as a client. Something felt off about the owner anyway, like I was being set up. With this Morelli mess and the uncertainty with the TPD, Tank and I both think it's best to hold off on accepting new clients for the time being. Steph looked shocked at all I had told her, but understood. Plus, I told her not taking on new clients would give us a chance to invest more time in the clients we currently have, re-evaluating their needs.
I also took this open dialogue as an opportunity to tell Steph about Morelli having eyes on the street and that he's paying them to call him with 'Steph sightings' and info on what she's doing. She was disgusted to put it mildly. We discussed her idea of officially stepping out as a couple in public and how I was thrilled to do so, but a little leery because of making Morelli's possessive behavior escalate. She said she's willing to take the risk as long as the guys are up to more protection duty. She gave me the sweetest look and told me she wants to get on with our lives… together. Music to my ears. Why I ever waited so long to make her mine, I'll never forgive myself for.
"Babe, can you tell me why the picture on our dresser was laying face down on our bed with lipstick on my face?" Guess she forgot about that, by the look on her face. She was squirming when she answered.
"Don't read too much into it. I kissed you because that's what I would've done if you were here in person. And I turned it over because I couldn't look at your face before I left."
"Babe, I would have searched for you until I found you. You weren't gone long and was surprised you called so soon… why did you call me when you did? What changed your mind?"
"Because, I can't live without you. And after stupidly realizing I hadn't even given you so much as a chance to tell me what you wanted, or why I ran in the first place, I realized how immature and selfish I was being. And I missed you, so much… it hurt."
"I thank God every day that you're in my life Babe, don't ever doubt my love again, ok?" She nodded, a tear leaking out of one of her beautiful blue eyes. Happy tears. "What do you say we go to bed?"
"But, it's only 9:00!"
"That gives me plenty of time to show you over and over how much I love you. How I will never cheat on you, treat you badly or take you for granted. You deserve a life of happiness and I plan on starting tonight by putting a permanent smile on your gorgeous face. Plus you're going to need a couple of hours of sleep before kicking Vince's ass."