Charlotte: FINALLY WE MEET THE DISCWORLD! Yesssss. T_T I need to read more Discworld, I love it dearly. Anyway, Jin Ah's very good at writing about the wizards at Unseen University, everything's beautifully in character and it's AWESOME. x) We've also got brief theological discussion, if you're interested in that kind of thing. No shortage of footnotes this chapter! Please enjoy~
Chapter Five
"Right through here," Dr. Fletcher said, leading Sophie up a path covered with tangled vines and, now, melting heaps of snow. As could probably be expected, Dr. Fletcher's house was, well, messy. There was no other way of putting it. Vines snaked the lawn that, rather than grass, was mostly made up of tall, spiny weeds, dandelions and thistles. The porch was covered with a good amount of dirt and leaves left over from fall, and it was rather damp. The house itself seemed to be painted a singular shade of green... or purple in some places. Or orange. It depended on how far worn the paint was on a particular spot of the house. It had one story, a dark blue tile roof and a gray door, with cobwebs strewn in corners filled with spider eggsacs. It made Sophie want to grab a broom and sweep it up, maybe trim the various overgrown plants, give the house another coat of paint.
Of course, none of that was logical thought. She had just seen an entire warehouse be transformed into something it almost certainly hadn't been before, at all, and thus, she was probably just in shock and was thinking silly and ridiculous thoughts so she wouldn't have to deal with what had actually happened.1
Dr. Fletcher seemed a bit down, too. He wasn't whistling, as he usually did, and he seemed even more absent-minded than usual, as if he was thinking about something puzzling.
They had reached the door, and Dr. Fletcher was fishing around in his pocket for a key. "Hold this for a second, will you?" he asked Sophie, handing her a rubber chicken. Sophie took it curiously, wondering what he needed a rubber chicken for, but not for too long. She was sure he was quite capable of doing marvelous things with rubber chickens.
Beside her, Archie squeaked.
"I don't know what's going on either, Archie," she told him, then immediately felt silly for talking to a guinea pig. Archie squeaked again, as if to tell her that it was quite all right. That made it worse.
Finally, Dr. Fletcher seemed to have found what he was looking for; he pulled a large ring bristling with keys out of one of the numerous pockets of his floor-length lab coat, and started unlocking the door. Sophie noticed that there were locks going from the top of the door to the bottom, and they all looked ridiculously mismatched - bluing coppery ones here, a new-looking titanium one there. One of them was a combination lock, for which he took a very long piece of paper covered in many different combinations from his shoe. Sophie was a bit surprised as it wasn't folded or anything, he just took the end of it from his heel and it came out smoothly like a tape dispenser. It went back in like a tape measure. Dr. Fletcher eventually made his way down to the bottom, squatting on his checkered converse, the squares peeking out at her from beneath his lab coat. Sophie realized that she had no idea what he wore other than his lab coat - she had never seen him in anything else.2
He undid the final lock , and the door creaked inward. There was no handle - that was odd. He gestured for Sophie to come in, and she did, carefully carrying Archie's case. Inside the house was a mess equal to - or possibly greater than - the one on the outside. Dr. Fletcher hung the key ring on a nail by the door, locked the various locks, and took off his lab coat. He hung it on another nail, and pulled on another floor-length coat, this one brown. Of course. Another coat.3
"Rincewind," he called. There was an answering crash and a muffled shout that sounded like, "Oh, in Offler's name!" and Sophie heard someone shuffling towards them.
Sophie had never heard that curse before. She wondered (it was turning into a hobby) who Offler was. Actually, Dr. Fletcher didn't know, either, but he had never bothered to ask because he had heard it ever since he was a child and was quite used to it.
An old man shambled in - no, he wasn't old, Sophie realized, just (like the house) rather messy, and nearly hidden by the large, fuzzy bathrobe he was wearing. He looked like he needed some sleep.
"Nicholas?" he said. "Who is this?" he peered appraisingly at Sophie. "She looks like she could use some food," he said critically. "Did you make her in your lab?"
"What?" said Sophie. "No. I work with Dr. Fletcher, I'm his assistant. Pleased to meet you." She extended her hand.
He took it gingerly. "And what brings you here?" he asked. There was a series of small patting sounds, and Sophie saw what looked like a … many legged suitcase? walking towards them.
The bathrobed man noticed her gaze. "Ah, yes," he said. "That's just the Luggage, don't mind it. Bloody annoying, it can be sometimes, but it can fit a really incredible amount of things inside it, and it's good in case we get burgled."
Sophie had no idea what he meant, but she nodded politely. Was it some sort of robot? It seemed less and less likely as she looked at it more cloesly and watched its toes wiggle.
Dr. Fletcher cleared his throat. "Sophie, this is my father - well, adoptive father, Rincewind," he said. "Rincewind, this is Sophie. She's my assistant, as she has already made clear. She's a student."
"A student?" Rincewind said suspiciously. He didn't seem to like the idea, and looked doubtful.
Sophie was even more doubtful about this man's name. What kind of a name was Rincewind, really? It sounded like a kind of cheese.
"Yes," Dr. Fletcher said. He ran his fingers through his hair, distracted. "There's something we need to tell you about. You see, there were these strange gray hooded people at the lab, and they messed up the experiment somehow-" he broke off, noticing the horror in Rincewind's eyes. "Are you all right?"
Rincewind was groaning, looking as though he was going to be sick. "Ohhhh nooooooooooooo," he moaned. "Aaaaaaarghhhhh..."
"What's wrong?"
"Not the Auditors..."
Sophie felt gratified to see that Dr. Fletcher looked just as confused as she was. "The who?"
"The…... You know," said Rincewind, now grinning slightly manically, "this is beyond me. Someone needs to explain this to you, and I'm not going to do it. Wait here."
He shuffled back down the hallway, muttering under his breath, "They said that it would be great here. Nothing more to run from, no cosmic horrors to ruin my life, eh? And I believed them! How could I have been so foolish? I should have known …"
Soon, Rincewind had disappeared altogether and Dr. Fletcher and Sophie were left to wait for... whatever it was they were waiting for. Sophie looked over at her boss expectantly, thinking that he would have at least some better understanding of the situation than she did. Dr. Fletcher happened to glance at her staring at him, and immediately became fidgety.
"What?"
"Well she's obviously quite confused about what kind of lifestyle you lead, Dr. Fletcher," said a tiny little voice, and the two jumped.
"What was that?" asked the doctor, turning his head every which way.
"Right here, you silly humans, I've been here the entire time."
The two pairs of eyes slowly turned to look at the little black and white gerbil in the cage Sophie was holding.
"Finally, you're paying me some attention. You must know that I've been every bit as worried as the two of you."
"You're... talking..." said Sophie, wide-eyed.
Archie gave a tiny chuckle, "Heh, humans, always stating the obvious."
Dr. Fletcher just looked at it interestedly. Really, the strangest things seemed to happen at his house.
"How come you weren't talking before?" asked Sophie, still a bit taken aback.
"What do you mean? I've always been talking. All I know is you're starting to answer me for once."
"You... er..." Sophie couldn't think of anything to say. She went default. "Hello."
"Good afternoon," said Archie.4 "But goodness me, how long have you lived in this place, Dr. Fletcher?"
The doctor shrugged. "My whole life, really. Or as far as I can remember. I was only six months old when Rincewind took me in."
"No wonder you create a mess everywhere you go. You leave my cage looking like a pig sty every time you come to feed me. But no matter. I wonder just who Rincewind expects to find in that hallway. Does anyone else live with you, Dr. Fletcher?"
"No. I'm just as confused as you."
"Hm..." said Archie in his strange little voice, "you don't seem to know a whole lot about the situation for being an integral part of it, do you, Dr. Fletcher?"
Dr. Fletcher considered this and wondered just who his father was.
Sophie still couldn't believe she had heard her guinea pig say the word integral.
"Ook?"
It was impossible to spend any length of time at Unseen University and not be aware of the myriad meanings of the word "ook".5 It could mean "Put the banana down and walk away slowly," for example, or, "I see you have a large hippo on your head," or, "Archchancellor, The Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography would like to talk to you." On this particular occasion, the third meaning was, in fact, what the Librarian meant, and the Archchancellor understood him at once, much to his dismay.
"Rincewind? What's he want now? Earth too much of a bother for him?"
"Ook."
"Really? Well, send him in, then."
By 'send him in,' the Archchancellor did not literally mean, send him in. Instead, the Librarian brought in a large glass bowl, filled with water.
"Water?" Mustrum Ridcully said critically. "I thought we'd left that behind in the Dribbly-Candle Era. This is the Century of the Fruitbat! We can't-"
"Ook."
"Well, the Century of the Anchovy, then, but you know what I mean. We have proper scrying glasses now, with actual glass. Go talk to Young Stibbons and ask him to give you one."
Ponder Stibbons happened to be walking by the room at the time,6 and, hearing his name, walked in. "Yes, Archchancellor?"
"Ah, Young Stibbons. Give the Librarian a proper looking glass, will you? It's a complete disgrace, this kind of thing! This is the kind of scrying glass our grandfathers would have used! If our grandfathers had been wizards, I mean. But look, Young Stibbons-"
Rincewind, who had been rather uncharacteristically quiet until now, felt like he should speak up.
"Er, Archchancellor Ridcully," he started to say.
"Yes?" said Ridcully, who seemed to have forgotten all about him. "What do you want, Rincewind?"
"You see, sir," said Rincewind, "er, about what you said? Before? About how Earth would be all fine and wonderful, and I wouldn't have to do any running or fighting, and how everything was going to be peaches and cheese for me from now on?"
"I do believe the term is peaches and cream," Ponder broke in, but Ridcully waved at him to be quiet.
"Yes? And?"
"And you remember how you promised that if it wasn't," and here Rincewind had a rather maniacal gleam in his eye, "that I could come back, and you would give me whatever office I wanted?"
"Yes," said Ridcully, beginning to feel slightly nervous, "except mine. I specifically said that, didn't I?"
"No, Archchancellor, you did not, in fact."
"I'm sure I did. I'm sure."
"Well, you didn't. That's not important right now, though."
"What do you mean not important, Rincewind? It's my office! It's not like-"
"What is IMPORTANT, Archchancellor, is that my son - well - not my son, but you know, the boy - has just been attacked by Auditors! Here! On the Roundworld! What am I supposed to do?"
Ridcully, who had once more started occupying himself with the fruit trolley, had not really been paying attention to the last part of Rincewind's speech, so he said, "Well, I'm sure you can handle it, you'll do fine, you know, you've been doing a great job as it is-" and then the small part of his brain that had been screaming at him for the last few seconds managed to make itself heard to the rest of his brain. "Rincewind - did you say - Auditors?"
"Yes!"
Ponder Stibbons groaned.
The Librarian went "Ook..."
Ridcully did not move.
A few moments later, his expression blank, he said, "Well, we should probably go and see what's going on, then."
"Yes! Yes! You definitely should!"
"And I think, in return for us saving your life, I should get to keep my office."
"Oh, all right. I get the Dean's former office, then!"
Rincewind immediately regretted mentioning the Dean, but the damage was done.
"The DEAN'S OFFICE? THE TRAITOR'S LAIR? YOU WOULD-"
Ponder Stibbons whispered hurriedly in Ridcully's ear, and his fury subsided.
"Oh, yes, I forgot." Smiling reminiscently, he said, "We had a football match against them last week, you know. Lovely match. We beat them forty-two to nothing. Splendid fight."
Rincewind kept quiet.
"Yes, you can have the Dean's office if you can come back in any state to do so. Stibbons!"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"Go and tell the other wizards to stop stuffing their faces or sleeping or whatever it is they're doing and get ready. We are going to the Roundworld. Oh, and ask Mrs. Whitlow to pack a lunch for us - you know what Roundworld food is like."
"Very well, sir," said Ponder, his mind running through calculations on how long it would take the University's various staff to collect their things and their state of mind, and how much it would cost for them to bring enough food to satisfy even the wizards' gluttonous appetites.
"Are the bledlows coming too, sir?"
"No. Definitely not. This is a trip for wizards only."
"So no students, then?"
"Well … actually, yes, some students."
"They could die!"
"And the ones that won't will make excellent wizards. Oh, don't look so horrified, Young Stibbons, that's how wizardry worked in my day. Before my day. It still is my day, after all."
Ponder felt rather more annoyed at being called Young Stibbons than he was horrified at the thought of dead students, but he didn't let it show on his face.
"Very well, then, we should be able to leave tonight-"
"Tonight? Are you insane, Stibbons? Five minutes, at the most!"
Ponder sighed. Five minutes, to coordinate the gelatinous, childlike masses that were the Unseen University's staff. Of course, all the hard work had to fall to him.
Like always.
"Urgh! Will, you little toad!" Genevieve shouted at her annoying younger brother. He had been poking her incessantly for the last half hour and it was driving her mad. No, seriously, it was driving her absolutely stark-raving, mouth-foaming, teeth-grinding, round-the-twist bonkers. She ran out of the room and came back with a baseball bat.
"If you poke me one more time, know that I'm armed."
The little boy giggled, but he didn't poke her anymore.
Jayha had been sitting on Genevieve's bed, playing his video games on his Nintendo DS. "Look, Will, look where I've got to!" And the young admiring boy jumped up to see what he was doing.
"Oh, wow!" said Will.
All three kids, from youngest to oldest, were three years apart in age. Genevieve, obviously the oldest because she was the most annoyed, had dark gold hair that was wavy around her shoulders, hazel eyes, and a pretty, even dark complexion, quite differing from her sister's paleness and constantly flushed cheeks. She was probably the most photogenic person Charlotte knew.7 Jayha was quite a pretty child as well, with a head full of thick black hair, a playful, healthy tan and a face that still managed to keep the adorable quality of when he was four. William, or more often Will, was just a little monkey. He had dark hair that constantly needed cutting, ears that stuck out too far in a very cute way, eyelashes that most women would give their first-born children for,8 and the most beautiful deep brown eyes that any child should ever be allowed to have. So they were all unfairly beautiful children, perfect to hide the devious little minds inside them.
Well, sort of. Will had his adorable moments, and he didn't plot against anybody or anything. He just, as demonstrated here, loved to annoy his big sisters, and was good at it. He especially loved annoying Genevieve, because she reacted the most. Then there was Jayha, who generally stayed on the quiet side, then somehow managed to help the other two break something that the salesman had assured them was unbreakable. But it was Genevieve who got them all to work together and pull pranks and things. She wasn't truly devious, either, but she was the kind of sister who, when you invited your friends over to your house for the first time, would cheerfully say to them, "Hi, I'm Genevieve, Charlotte's evil little sister!" Yeah, she had her good moments. But she did threaten her baby brother with a baseball bat.
And right now, Genevieve wasn't in a very good mood. The Them were all supposed to have come to her house by now. That was why Jayha (who lived a few blocks away) was there. It was very annoying only to have her sister's best friend's little brother there to talk to and her own brother to constantly pick on her while she waited, and she wondered what in the world could be holding them up. They hadn't ever been two hours late before. She would have called them, but she didn't know Anathema's cell phone number. She didn't even know if Anathema had a cell phone.
Still, it was only a matter of time. They'd have to show up sooner or later, even if it was next week, and then they'd have some explaining to do.
William was starting to pick on her again.
"Will, go and wait at the front door and tell me when you see a weird green car, okay?"
"Okay!" he said dutifully, and ran off for the front door. Genevieve settled down to watch Jayha play his video game.
Surprisingly, only a few minutes passed before William came in on top of his other sister's back, covering her eyes for good measure. Charlotte just sighed.
"Beware the Toad," she mumbled, and suddenly a little bit of the world made sense again.
It wasn't only Charlotte and Will who had come in at that moment, but also Jin Ah, Adam, Pepper, Wensleydale, Brian, Anathema, who had twigs and leaves in her hair, Aziraphale, Crowley, and a dazed-looking Ridley. Newt wasn't there because he was still trying to get the Wasabi to park.9
"Finally, you're here!" Genevieve sighed. Then she stopped and looked at all the people and you could tell she was already thoroughly weirded out. "Uh..."
"What's wrong, Gen?" asked Adam.
"Who are you three?" Genevieve pointed at the angel, the devil, and the flying guy.
"That's our English teacher," chirped Charlotte.
"Him?" she asked.
"That's the one!"
"Er, hi," he said.
"Yeah hi. What about the other two?"
"Yes, hello, dear girl. I'm Aziraphale." He nudged Crowley in the ribs.
"Oh, er, I'm Crowley.
"...Did your mother give you that name?"
"No, actually, I gave it to myself."10
"No, I was talking to this bloke," continued Genevieve, pointing at the angel. "...I gotta say, that's an unusual one."
"Yes, well, er," Aziraphale was actually strangely speechless. He'd never actually given that much thought to his name's credibility. He'd have had to face reality sooner or later, he supposed.
"You could use... A. Z. Raphael. That would be plausible," offered Charlotte, inferring a bit of what he was thinking.
"Ah. And what would the 'A. Z.' stand for?"
Charlotte gave a little smile. "Abel Zacharias."
"Very amusing," came the sarcastic reply, and Jin Ah smiled as well.
Genevieve and Jayha looked at them quizzically.
"Remind me why we've come here," said Ridley tiredly.
"Today's Saturday. In all the excitement, we'd almost forgotten our Saturday camps at Genevieve's."
"Ah. And this is more important, is it?"
"What else are we supposed to do?" argued Adam. "We might as well go on as normal until something happens."
Charlotte was looking at her little sister's increasingly confused face with concern.
"Er, guys - "
"What in the world are all of you talking about?" blurted Genevieve.
"Er, well..."
"I demand explanations right now!" she said.
They all groaned inwardly. It was quite a long story to tell...
So, they were almost relieved to hear the strange voices coming down the hallway.
"We come... We come for the one... The one who defies us!"
Just one thing to note: Mr. and Mrs. Poe weren't home. Mr. Poe was at work because he needed to feed his cells11 and Mrs. Poe was grocery shopping.
So good, no inconvenient parents hanging about.
But still. Little brothers and a sister who knew nothing.
Soon enough, there were those strange cloaked figures, floating in the doorway.
"What are they?" Genevieve asked weakly.
"Watchers," said Charlotte.
But they were trapped in the room, there was nowhere to go.
"Any blue cheese on you, Crowley?" asked Aziraphale, but it was futile.
They were advancing, right towards a cowering Ridley, wondering what they were going to do...
Crash, bang. Stumble, shout, irritation. Something else had come in right through the door.
Jin Ah: Aaaaand the Wizards make their first appearance! Gosh, that was fun to write. Poor Rincewind gets dragged out of what he thought was a nice, easy retirement. And we get deeper into the mystery of who Dr. Fletcher really is ...
1The human mind is good at that. It gives you lots of useless things to worry about, so you won't spend time worrying about things like how many bacteria you've ingested that day.
2The answer is, of course, a trench coat.
3YEAH.
4If he had eyebrows, one of them would be crooked.
5 If you did not, the Librarian would quickly enlighten you. It was doubly simple for him to do this, seeing as not only did he spend most of his time in a magical library, but he was also an orangutan. He didn't mind being an orangutan much, as it meant that he could have all the bananas he wanted, and was the best goalie the Academicals had ever had - not a single ball could get past him.
6The Archchancellor was not sitting in his office, but in a much larger room. While it did not have many of the comforts of his office (i.e., a comfortable chair), that was made up for by the fact that it did have food. The only surprising part was that there weren't more wizards in there. Wizards are partial to food, as it keeps them alive and sane. Never keep a wizard away from his breakfast. Or second breakfast, in fact, or elevensies, for that matter.
7 Despite all these differences, people still insisted that they looked nearly like twins. Neither of them recognized any resemblance.
8 Charlotte's mother included.
9She had been trying to help Newt to park the Wasabi under a tree which seemed to have taken a strong dislike to cars, as it had branches poking out in directions sure to impale anyone who went near any car daring to park underneath its supreme leafy majesty. The tree and the Wasabi had fought a grand battle, with the tree losing many branches and the Wasabi gaining many scratches, resulting in a guarded draw between the two foes and Newt, as he often did, coming out as the loser.
10He'd never regretted a moment of it, either; Crowley was infinitely cooler than Crawley.
11 Mr. Poe was a microbiology researcher. This meant that he had that job where you tried to find cures diseases. It also meant that he tested on cells and cloned DNA and wore a lab coat and stuff. Charlotte thought this was infinitely awesome.