A Ramp To Nowhere But Trouble

Disclaimer: I forgot to mention this but Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil is toooottaaallly not mine…That's something Sandro Corsaro has claim to~ That lucky soul!

Songs of the Mo (as I write): Violet Hill by Coldplay, Watching the Detectives by Elvis Costello, This River Is Wild by The Killers

Chapter Three: Faceplant

With dawn, the day appeared not at all out of the ordinary. The wide stretching tendrils of light curled up and made night melt away just as the birds began to announce the new day. Gunther rubbed the sleep from his eyes, glancing over at his precious Viking coo-coo clock. "Ah what a lovely da-AHH!" The horrified boy pulled his covers around himself. "KICK!" WHEN DID KICK GET IN MYROOM AND HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN SITTING ON MY BEDPOST STARING AT MEEEE!

A disturbingly husky and sleep-deprived voice at 6 AM was just a bit too out of the ordinary...and traumatizing. "It's time for stunts Gunther!" Circles under his eyes, gave away the fact that he'd been slaving away well into the night (stealthily as well so as not to awaken his parents) on his new stunt ideas. (flaming ramps, hang-glider, hamster powered shopping cart off of Mellowbrook Mall etc.)

"H-How long have you been there Kick?" The covers were pulled completely about the other boys round frame till only his fearful eyes remained visible.

Kick looked out of the window. "What time did you go to sleep?"

"Uh…well first I took a nice refreshing bubble bath, used my loofa, played with Mr. Ducky my rubber duck, shampooed, rinsed, repeated, got dressed, ate my secret stash of lemon pie, brushed my teeeeethhhhhhhhh and then I think I went to bed around-Hey when did you go to sleep Kick cus no offense or anything but…you look like something the cat dragged in…or that's what I hear anyways since I don't have a cat. Or is it that you look like something that the dragged cat in? I have no idea."

"Sleep? SLEEP! Who needs sleep Gunther!" Kick's eyes started to twitch. "There's no time for sleep when we could be doing stunts!"

"Um Kick…" The larger boy cringed and shrank away against his wall as Kick loomed ever closer.

A yellow glove snatched his friend by the collar. "We have stunts to do. Let's go Gunther."

"Kick this is sort of unusual you know!" Gunther's voice rose in pitch. "Shouldn't you get some rest first!"

Kick hopped down to the ground, head turning slowly with a very disturbing grin. "What do you meannnn? Nothing's wrong."

"Ohoho. I don't think so Kick." Gunther gulped. Okay maybe I'm just having a nightmare? Maybe I should go back to sleep?

Kick started to drag Gunther out from his hiding place. "Wait! Kick! At least let me get my shirt on! At least let me go potttyyy! KICCKKK! This is SOOO not what I meant when I said 'remember what it feels like when you do stunts'! There was no 'drag Gunther from his home and potty' in that! KICCCKKK!"

"Kick." Gunther had to fan himself with a comically small leaf as the sun beat down on them like a kid holding a magnifying glass on a marching line of ants. "Buddy…I think we need to take a break…" He fell over on his side, face literally melting. "I'm meeelllttinngg! I'm meltingggg!" He cried out in despair.

CRASH! It had been five hours. And the daredevil was out of control. Eyes half closed he kept himself going by constant refill from gallons of Cheetah Chug that Gunther, on standby, would hold out and give to him as he skateboarded, biked and flew by. But it was starting to wear on the boy, his nerves were wearing and his body was drooping over as his foot barely lifted off the ground to propel Ol Blue forward. He messed up more, kept falling off and face- planting into walls. The searing sun was making the entire situation twice as draining. "This is gonna be…awesome and *pant* extreme…"

The blood running through Gunther's veins began to curdle and boil, slowly…very slowly the signs of a meltdown began to show. The countdown pointed to very soon for this volcano to erupt. "CLARENCE FRANCIS BUTTOWSKI!" Gunther's roar could be heard all around town, sending birds flying from their perches, buildings to shake, babies to cry, dogs to howl. And Kick to fall completely off his board.

"ENOUGH!" Gunther had completely lost his cool…well it was hot…and he was hungry. "Just what are you trying to do Kick! Kill yourself!" The daredevils eyes had widened, jaw dropped. "Just what is it that you are trying to distract yourself from huh?"

There was now pin-drop silence as a stillness finally caught hold of the daredevil's AWOL sanity. "Gunther…" The baggage under his eyes became more prominent. "I'm sorry I…I've been acting crazy haven't I?"

"Uh..DUH." Gunther shook him by the shoulders with a dog-shaking-water-off-his-back sound. "You've taken this too far! I'm your friend Kick! I worry about you! And I know you love stunts! I know you love pushing it to the edge! But this isn't Kick Buttowski! This is…This is 'desperately distract me' Buttowski'! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY KICK!"

"It was Kendall wasn't it!" A zealous voice suddenly called from the Kick Buttowski Museum of Awesome. "What did that monster do to you! Did she blackmail you! Did she take away your lucky Rock Callahan socks?" She most likely had been sitting in there the entire time secretly taking photos of her idol.

Gunther observed the sudden change in Kick's eyes at the mention of her name. "What are you talking about Jackie?"

The tall brunette gaped. "You mean you didn't figure out that Kendall jinxed Kick yesterday! She had to have done something awful to him! He's not being so Kick today!"

"Hmm." Gunther raised an eyebrow and stared thoughtfully at his best friend. People liked to write off Gunther almost immediately, underestimating his aptitude. In all honesty, the kid was very bright and very perceptive about the world around him. Even if he was a dorky eleven year old boy, he still took note of how the daredevil reacted in certain situations. Not to mention he had a hunch he'd been nursing.

"I'm okay!" Kick shook his head, raising his half-melted fist to the sky.

"I don't think so Kick." Gunther had to peel the jumpsuit lad off of the pavement. "Let's…get you inside and cool off."

Jackie was still loitering about like a spazatron. "Oh! Oh! Oh KICK! Please get better! Let's go inside yeah great idea and then and then and then do that one stunt where you have weasels falling off the ski-" The door slammed in her face. "I'll be out here waiting~~~!" She grinned happily.

Gunther held his friend like a baby, sticking a bottle of water in his mouth. "There there Kick. Drink up. You've got some explaining to do." The bottle drained, Kick sat up and panted.

"Thanks Gunther."
"Any time buddy."

"You can…put me down now."

Gunther blinked. "Oh yeah. And sorry about yelling at you earlier."

Kick took another bottle and downed it. "No I needed that Gunther. So thanks."

"So what happened out there Kick?" Gunther asked concerned, pulling out chairs for them both at the kitchen table. "You're not being yourself today man." He wiped sweat from his brow.

"Sure I am Gunther." Kick answered between gulps. "I've been doing stunts all day and all yesterday."

"But your mind is always clear when you do stunts. You just go and enjoy the rush of the stunts not…force yourself." Gunther crossed his arms. "And so what exactly was Jackie saying about Kendall?"

Kick's face twitched again. "Nothing."

Gunther sat up and leaned across the table. "Then why do you keep making that face every time I say KENDALL?"

His face repeated the same expression. "What are you talking about?"

Gunther held a randomly conjured mirror to his friend. "Watch.

"Kendall." Twitch. "Kendall." Twitch twitch. " PERKINSSSSS~"

"!" Kick watched his face completely twist. Then relax. "Marie?"

Gunther shrugged. "I dunno I just made it up."

"Fine alright I make a face." Kick massaged his cheeks.

"Gonna explain it then~?" Gunther batted his lashes.

Kick glanced at his gloves. "Fine."

"Once upon a time? Haha! Time? Get it cus we were talking about time?" Gunther giggled.

And so Kick retold all that had transpired. Leaving out how it made him confused of course. Just telling the death-defying facts. When he was done he looked up at his wing-man. Only to be baffled as to where Gunther got glasses, a doctor's coat and a clipboard from.

"Yes…yes…" The Nordic boy tweaked his chin thoughtfully, jotting notes. "I see. I see. Now." Gunther glanced up too. "How did this make you feel?"

"Feel?" Kick blinked. "I don't know. Why does that matter?"

Gunther tossed his costume out the window where a cat howled in pain off screen. PETA would be calling about this later. "Oh my poor Kick." He put an arm around him, gesturing out to open space with a dramatic sweep of his hand. "Look yonder, what do you seeeee?"

Kick raised a brow. "Uh…my pantry. Where are you going with this Gunther?"

Suddenly Gunther's face loomed very close, eyes creepy and realistic. "Kick. How did what she said make you feeeeelll.And how do you think you will act when you see her again?"

Kick thought for a moment. "I don't get it."

Gunther shook him by the shoulders. "Well if you ask me it sounded like you wanted to get to know her better. Now I may not know anything about being a daredevil. But I do know you pretty well. And I know that in the past you hated Kendall."

Kick's face twitched. "Hate's a strong word Gunther. I only disliked her because she did."

"Seeee?" Gunther raised a brow, Kick style. "Let's face it Kick. You've changed. I mean, if you flash back-THAT'S YOUR CUE!" Gunther yelled at the ceiling. Montage reels provided the evidence of Kick's treatment to Kendall over time.

"How'd you do that?" The daredevil looked all around him for the source of the montage. A rocker voice yelling 'MAAAGIICCCCC' to a guitar's accompaniment made him hide behind the back of the chair, eyes wide.

Gunther just leaned back in his chair. "Don't you get it Kick? You're getting'-" He smirked at the daredevil, poking him in the gut. "SOFT."

Kick started, swatting his friend's hand away. "Uh-uh Gunther. No way! I'm KICK BUTTOWSKI. I don't get soft!"

"Ohoho~ But the evidence suggests otherwise Kick. The evidence proves…OTHERWISE." Another costume change showed Gunther in a Sherlock Holmes outfit. "Think about it Kick. Realllly think about it. What did you FEEEEEL when she said 'Why don't we get to know each other better?'"

Finally Kick complied. "Well…I guess I thought about how strange it is that I don't like her when I generally like most people. Well I don't care what people think of me. I just treat them all the same but her. (And one or two other people.) And there have been times that…" He paused. "…I didn't think she was so bad or bossy." He scratched the back of his neck. "She proved to be kind of awesome a few times even."

Gunther stopped in mid-gulp of his own glass of water. "Did you just call Kendall Perkins awesome?"

"…" Kick blinked. "I…I guess I did."

"NOW WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE! Okay!" Now Gunther clasped his hands, closing his eyes in a serious pose. "Now how did you feel when she suddenly told you-" His head transformed to have longer hair and girlier eyes in Kendall fashion. "'I think you'd better leave Clarence.'" He even mimicked her voice a little too well.

Kick pouted, crossed his arms and looked away. "Well, that made me mad."

"And why is that?"

"Because." His face drooped a bit. "I wanted to give her a chance. And then she just decided to be the same old fun police that she always has been. And I felt…stupid."

"But she's Kendall. And we both know how she is." Gunther threw out some bait.

"Not exactly." Gunther observed the way Kick stared down at the tabletop, eyes wavering. "There's something…I feel like there's something we've been missing when it comes to her Gunther."

"What do you mean? How complicated can she be?" He baited again. Kick kept biting like Steve the goldfish and his fish flakes.

"Those cave drawings." Kick's blue eyes finally lifted to face his friend. "She's not as happy as we think she is…"

Gunther really was baffled now. "She drew those? The nachos and everything?"

"They are her memories." Kick said softly. "Her happiest ones."

Gunther raised a brow. "Wow. That really isn't many. I mean there was likeeee ten. She really likes nachos doesn't she?"

"Not nachos Gunther." Kick corrected. Then suddenly shook his head. "Why do I care anyways? It's Kendall! She hates me." He made as if to leave but Gunther's voice kept him still as a statue.

"But you don't hate her do you?"

Kick straightened his helmet, looking back with shadows around his face. "I said hate is a strong word didn't I Gunther? How can I hate someone as lame and unhappy as Kendall?"

"You know we have school tomorrow don't you?" Gunther dared ask, concerned. "Buddy what are you going to do when you see her?"

But Kick had already snatched up Ol' Blue. And there was no more discussion. Gunther followed, the door slamming behind him as he tried to catch up to the older boys quick, albeit exhausted strides. "Kick!"

Suddenly Kick spun back around. "Look Gunther." His voice grew gruffer. "Why in the world should I care about Kendall Perkins? It's obvious she hates me. And besides." His voice grew lighter. "I've got stunts to do." His smile didn't completely reach his eyes like they normally would, the circles under his eyes still palpable.

"No way Kick!" Gunther frowned, arms crossed. "I think we've had enough for today! Just look at you! You need to rest! Daredevils gotta rest too!" But Kick kept on dragging his feet.

"Kick!" Gunther put a hand on his friends shoulder. "Kick I think you're wrong! You keep forgetting something out of the story you told me!"

"What." Kick's tone oozed disinterest, his mind had been made up. Stunt time again.

"She's the one who suggested it in the first place." Gunther said softly. "But her mood changed after that phone call with Ronaldo right?"

Hmm…I did see her eyes change…

"Annddddd the records SHOWWW-" Gunther randomly cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed at the sky. "THAT'S YOUR CUEEE!"

"Why do you keep doing that?" Kick raised a brow.

"That she did say she didn't hate you and you don't hate her anddd all that stuff. And she's not so happy as we think she is and…You know. Cus this is getting *pant* really long winded of an explaination…Whew." He wiped his prow. "You need to talk to her Kick. Find out why she suddenly changed her mind. Or something?"

"No."

"For Thor's sake man!" Gunther clutched at his noggin. "You're hurting my head! I'm only eleven for crying out loud!"

"No. I'm sorry Gunther. I don't do talking to fun police."

"You do kiss the fun police from time to time though." Gunther beamed waggishly.

For once…Kick actually froze. His eyes became saucers. His face became bright red in perfect harmony with the stripes down his helmet and sleeves.

"I-I what?" Kick's voice sounded a few years younger.

"As your wingman, it is my duty to know what my wingman uhhh wingmaner is doing." Gunther smirked and snapped his fingers. And right on cue the flashback of Gunther screaming in horror at seeing a replacement Gunther -ie Kendall- holding hands with Kick appeared. Then- "I had to find out what was really going on. I mean. I know you couldn't just replace me like that! We're partners! I ran off at first. But then I hid around the corner and followed you. Well at least up to the kissing part. Then I had to go run off and throw up and then when I came back you two were gone."

"Y-You-!" Kick's eyes couldn't get any wider else they take up the entirety of his body.

"Dude you totally gave me a heart attack okay!" Gunther shook him by the shoulders. "I saw what happened next! I didn't get it until you explained later about your hands getting stuck! But still! You kissed and weren't grossed out! Doesn't that mean something!"

"No Gunther! It doesn't! Daredevils would never do that!"

Gunther gasped as Kick took off and boarded away into the distance. Before he could go after his friend sniffling from the direction of the garage and more from the fence caught his immediate attention. "It can't be true…" A shadow emerged from the Museum of Awesome, Jacky wiped her eyes, then grabbed the front of his shirt with desperate tearfilled eyes. "Was all of that true? Did he and Kendall-"

Gunther felt a pang in his chest. "Y-Yes Jacky. I'm sorry…I-I didn't mean for you to hear that…"

"That..." Jacky suddenly swayed to full height. "That…that-that HORRIBLE EVIL GIRL! I KNEW SHE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS!"

The Nordic boy fell on his backside as tendrils of fury unlike anything he'd ever seen before erupted from the brunette's body. "She-She brainwashed Kick! She found out his secret weakness and is holding it as blackmail so she can control him into KISSING HER! She's the reason Kick's so un-Kick! WHERE IS KENDALL PERKINS! I'm going to…"

"W-Woah Jacky!" Gunther waved his hands in 'woah-woah-woah' gesture. "Calm down! It wasn't like tha-"

"CALM DOWN! CALM DOWWNNNN! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN WHEN THE GREATEST DAREDEVIL THAT EVER LIVED CAN'T DO STUNTS BECAUSE SOME SNOB BRAINWASHED HIM!" She cracked her knuckles. "Ohhoho! I'm SO not letting her get away with this! WHERE IS SHE?" Jacky's eyes narrowed to full-furied rage, flames danced within their depths. "Oh let's do this!" And then she charged in some sort of general direction with her glasses reflecting the glare of the blazing sun. "FOR KICK!"

At a loss for words, Gunther just sat there with a sinking feeling in his gut, mouth ajar. "Great. What have I done?" Then he realized there was still a sniffling sound coming from the fence. "Who's there?"

Mr. Vickle's head popped up from behind the fence, his hand mopping his waterworks with a well-used hanky. "Oh my!"

"! Uhh…" Gunther blinked in surprise. "Mr. Vickle?"

The bachelor took a moment to blow his nose as loud as an elephant's trumpet. "Well I just had no idea things were that bad between the two! That's just awful!"

"Don't you think it's kind of weird to be listening in on twelve year old's conversations?" Gunther stared up at him, tears falling on his head.

"Not when romance is concerned!" Mr. Vickle struck a dramatic pose.

"Woah woah woah." Gunther gestured again. "Romance? Clarence Francis Buttowski and Kendall Marie Perkins?"

"Marie?"

"I made that up."

"But yeah. Romance?" Mr. Vickle's eye brows rose. "Isn't that what you were trying to get Kick to see?"

"Uhhhh no. I thought they were both sick or had gas or something."

"Oh…"

"That was a joke. I thought it was as obvious as the nose on Kick's face."

"Gunther." Mr. Vickle shook his head. "Never be a comedian honey it's just not your forte."

"Hey! Kick does have a nose-"

"So fo you wanna help your friend Gunther?"

The boy nodded, then stood with vigor. "Of course! Kick may be incredibly naïve in the ways of women, but I do want what's best for him. And I do want him to stop moping around and not being able to do the things he loves. Maybe I should've just let them go on 'hating' each other." He scanned the horizon line for where he last saw Kick go. "But I think this time they should really patch things up. Even if I don't get Kendall's perspective. They were doing so well ya know? And it's just not like him to give up on a challenge."

Mr. Vickle nodded in agreement, still touched by the loyalty the boy displayed for his confused friend. "I think there's a way to help not just Kick…but Miss Perkins as well."

Gunther couldn't believe his ears. "Wait. There is?"

The man nodded. "I had to be sure but from what I just heard…well let's just say a little birdy told me that Miss Perkins's as confused as Kick. And I think I understand from all that Kick recalled her saying earlier…why she suddenly became so about-face."

"I don't get it."

"Miss Perkins." He said slowly. "Anddd Mr. Buttowski. Just have to understand each other better. And I know how they can so we can have our good ol' rough and tumble Kick Buttowski back."

"Uh-huhhhhh…I'm listening."

"Alright so here's what we have to do-"

"So why are you involved in this again?" Gunther had to ask.

"Because I've always loved a happy ending and I was there when those two danced for gym class remember?"

"That'll do it." Gunther affirmed. "Now what's the plan?"

"So I was thinking-"

"What are we going to do about Jacky though?" Gunther gulped as the plan became apparent. "She's like. Going to destroy Kendall."

"We can work it right into our plan Gunther dear."

"I hope this works."

Mr. Vickle nodded, leaning against the fence. "For the sake of happy endings, me too."

To Be Continued…

Where did Kick go? What's going through his usually simple head? What's Kendall doing? What's Jacky going to do to Kendall! Why is Mr. Vickle involved! (I dunno.) Why is Ronaldo such a failure at romance! Who are those guys always with Gordie! AND WHERE DID ALL THOSE MARSHMELLOWS COME FROM!

If I hadn't have cut this and last chapter in half. There would be 18 pages from Word to scroll through. Aren't you lucky? Also. No cats were harmed in the making of this 'episode'. I assure you. It's just that sound gag you know? I love kitties~

ANYWAYS. So this turned out waaayyy more dramatic than I planned but I felt like it was moving too slowly if THAT little piece of kiss pie didn't get admitted to right away. Otherwise we'd just be seeing the back and forth and back and forth denial that that actually occurred and all that. BORING. Sorry… :CCC I feel bad about all this drama though. I apologize for the OOC that is very much evident throughout. This is like the most dramatic version of KB there will ever be. I don't like drama. I don't like how much dialogue there is in this chapter. TT,TT Heck I'm not even supposed to like mush. But here I am. :I