Summary: Due to a weakening economy, Tatsumi decides to make some cuts to the Shokan division's budget.

Rating: K+

Genre:Humor

Words: 3,447

Author's Note: The result of an IM conversation with Naotoki Yamaouchi. She was mentioning how Tatsumi is so cheap, he wouldn't even buy a can opener, and so I just had to write a one-shot about Tatsumi making some cuts to the budget. Enjoy the insanity.

It was ten past nine in the morning, and the Shokan division was gathered in the meeting room for an important budget meeting. Tsuzuki was sitting with his elbow on the table, chin resting on his hand. He let out a loud yawn and started to close his eyes, but was abruptly elbowed in his side by his partner.

"Tsuzuki!" Hisoka whispered harshly. "Don't doze off, pay attention!"

"But I'm tired...it's too early for a meeting..."

"If you're always so tired in the morning, maybe you should go to bed earlier. You complain every single morning."

"Not my fault work is so early..."

"It's work, you're a big boy, deal with it."

"But-"

"Ahem!" Tatsumi cleared his throat rather loudly in the front of the room, fully silencing Tsuzuki and Hisoka's quiet bickering. The two quickly turned to the secretary, Tsuzuki now sitting erect, making sure to pay attention so as not to anger Tatsumi further. He'd already had one cut to his paycheck in the last 7 days, he didn't need another one.

"As you all know..." Tatsumi began, looking over everyone in the room before continuing, "the economy has been weakening considerably over the past few months. After careful planning, I have decided there are some things we need to cut from our budget in order to save money. First off, coffee will be limited to one cup per morning." There was an outcry from a few people, including the chief, to which Tatsumi simply held his hand up for silence. "Please understand, the consumption of coffee in the office is far greater than it needs to be. One cup should be enough for everyone. If you feel you need more, then you will have to bring your own, and if you need coffee to keep you awake during working hours, then you need to go to bed earlier.

"Second, sweets will not be available in the break room."

"What?!" Tsuzuki burst out, pushing himself up from his chair.

Tatsumi threw a glare at Tsuzuki. "Tsuzuki-san, you are the main reason I am making this rule. Sweets are an unnecessary food and don't need to be provided at work. If you want some, you can bring in your own." He turned to the Chief, who was also not at all happy at this second cut. "However, Chief Konoe, we can afford one small sweet a day for you."

"That's not fair!" Tsuzuki whined.

"Not fair? Need I remind you, Tsuzuki-san, that the Chief is the one in charge of our division and does far more work than the rest of us, especially you."

Tsuzuki sunk back into his chair, pouting. Hisoka tried not to smile, glad that Tsuzuki's supply of sweets would be interrupted. The man ate far too many.

Tatsumi continued, "In order to keep up our library," Hisoka's attention snapped over to Tatsumi at the mention of the library, "Anyone who takes books out of the library will be charged a small fee per book. Any books that haven't been returned after a week will be charged a late fee per day."

Hisoka stared. "You are kidding...right?"

"I'm afraid not, Kurosaki-kun. The library needs money in order to be kept up-to-date, and we have a rather large library, which requires more money for upkeep."

The youngest Shinigami scowled while his partner continued to pout. Tatsumi kept going.

"Any work not related to our jobs as Shinigami will not be funded for any reason. This includes, but is not limited to, the creation of new machines, science experiments, computer games, the copying or printing of non-work related documents, and office parties." He glanced at Watari, whose normally cheery grin had completely vanished.

"Any property damage caused by any employee for any reason will be paid upfront." Terazuma glared, knowing this comment was directed at him. "Any cooking is to be completed at home with ingredients from home." Wakaba frowned. She loved making treats for everyone in the office, and they just weren't the same if they weren't fresh.

Tatsumi looked over everyone in the room, none of whom were happy in the least. "That is all for now. If we require further budget cuts, I will inform everyone." He smiled. "Enjoy your day!"

Everyone got up and left the room, grumbling, pouting and complaining. Tatsumi didn't seemed bothered by it at all.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Tatsumi?" The chief asked.

Tatsumi nodded. "It is for the good of our division and Enmacho as a whole."

Konoe sighed. "I hope you are right."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Argh! That Tatsumi!" Tsuzuki yelled once he had gotten to his office. "He acts like he runs the place!How am I supposed to concentrate throughout the day if I have to go out of my way to get any kind of sweets?!"

"Please. As if you don't eat enough of them." Hisoka said, rolling his eyes.

"But I like them! What's wrong with eating something you like?"

"Nothing, it's when you eat too much of it that it becomes a problem. You'll live." Hisoka suddenly stopped writing. "Uh-oh...I left that library book at home...it's been a week since I borrowed it."

"So bring it back tomorrow."

"No, Tsuzuki, remember what Tatsumi said? All library books will be charged a late fee if kept over a week."

"But he shouldn't start that now, you didn't know you were going to have to pay if you didn't return it. Shouldn't it be your next book that gets charged?"

Hisoka turned to face Tsuzuki. "Tsuzuki, this is Tatsumi we are talking about. Why the hell would he charge me to rent out books anyway? He knows I visit all the time, I don't want to have to cut back on reading to avoid spending my entire paycheck at the library! Reading is actually good for you, why would he take that away?!"

Tsuzuki grumbled, "Because he's a money-grubbing tightwad."

Hisoka sighed in aggravation. "I'll get it during lunch break..."

"Then what about your lunch?"

"I'll grab something quick to eat." Hisoka turned back to his work, not wanting to talk anymore. Tsuzuki took the hint and turned to his own work with a loud sigh.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"How dare he." Terazuma growled. "The jerk looked right at me when he talked about property damage. As if I'm the only one who causes it. It's not even my fault, it's friggin' Kuroshungei!" He looked over at Wakaba, who's normally cheery demeanor had been taken down a couple of notches, and grew more angry. Tatsumi had some nerve upsetting Wakaba like that. Terazuma clenched his fists, having a sudden urge to punch Tatsumi in the face. Kuroshungei responded to his anger and began pushing for control. Terazuma stopped his rant and focused his attention on keeping his Shikigami back. Wakaba was at his side immediately, ofuda in hand and ready to help Terazuma if needed. Luckily for them, Terazuma didn't need it, and held of Kuroshungei on his own.

"I'm alright, Kannuki."

Wakaba smiled. "Just making sure!" She sighed. "I'll just have to make goodies at home and time it so that they are still nice and fresh when we come into work. Maybe I'll take some in tomorrow morning to cheer everyone up, nobody looked very happy when we left the meeting."

"Maybe we'll get lucky and the Chief will fire him."

"Hajime!"

"What? He deserves it!"

"He's trying to look out for the good of our division. I'm sure he has good intentions."

Terazuma snorted. "Hah! He's just trying to save more money by aggravating the rest of us. He doesn't have our best interests in mind."

"Maybe we can help him figure out other ways to save money. We'll think of something!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When lunchtime rolled around, nobody in the office was any happier. Tsuzuki's grumpiness had only increased due to lack of sugar, and Hisoka certainly hadn't been happy about going back home to retrieve his library book to return.

Tsuzuki put a can of soup up to the can opener, held the can in place with one hand, and pressed down on the lever of the can opener with the other. The can opener didn't respond. Tsuzuki looked at the wall to make sure it was plugged in, and confirmed it was indeed plugged into an electrical socket. Thinking maybe there was something wrong with the outlet, Tsuzuki moved the can opener to another one and tried that. Still nothing. He growled and turned around to see Tatsumi about to leave the break room.

"Tatsumi! The can opener is busted! We need another one!"

Tatsumi walked over and tried the can opener again to make sure it wasn't just Tsuzuki. When it didn't work, he shrugged. "Just use a knife."

"You're not going to get another can opener?"

"Why spend the money on a can opener when we can just use something we already have?" With that, he walked away, leaving Tsuzuki to deal with opening his can of soup.

Tsuzuki huffed and searched for a knife. When he found one, he tried stabbing it through the top of the can, but only made a dent in it.

"Stupid Tatsumi." Tsuzuki growled, "How much could it possibly cost for a can opener?! I swear, he's purposely trying to make our lives misera- YEOW!" Tsuzuki dropped the knife, which had slipped when he tried stabbing the can again, leaving a gash in his hand. He grabbed a paper towel and gently pressed it to the wound, hissing from the pain. "Owww..."

Wakaba, who had been on the way to the break room with Terazuma when she heard Tsuzuki's yelp and ran over. "Tsuzuki! Are you okay?" She looked from his hand to the bloodied knife and frowned. "What happened?"

"Tatsumi happened! The can opener was broken, but since Mr. Penny-Pincher doesn't want to spend a couple of extra bucks to buy a new can opener, he told me to just use a knife. So I did. It slipped and I cut my hand."

"Nice one." Terazuma said, earning a glare from Tsuzuki.

The wound was already almost healed, but Wakaba wasn't happy. "I'll buy a nice can opener, using a knife is too dangerous."

"Only if you're a total klutz like Tsuzuki."

"Hajime! Be nice!"

"A can-opener you say?" Watari's voice suddenly called out from behind them.

Tsuzuki turned to face him. "Yeah, this one is busted and Tatsumi won't buy a new one."

"I know just the solution! Give me just a few minutes!" With that, Watari scurried off, presumably to his lab.

"He's gonna get his ass kicked if Tatsumi finds out he used money to create another one of his stupid inventions." Terazuma said, watching the inventor run out of the room.

Watari came back about ten minutes later with a gadget in his hands, beaming. "I bring you: Jimmy The Robotic Can Opener! Also known simply as Jimmy!"

Tsuzuki looked at the device Watari was holding out. "How did you put that together so fast?"

"Oh, I've had it for a while, I just kept forgetting to get a plug for it. I made a break-through in my sex change potion and totally forgot I was working on this!" He walked over to the counter, placed Jimmy down, and plugged him in. "Alright, give him your can of soup, Tsuzuki!"

Tsuzuki moved the soup can over to the robot, expecting to work it like any other can opener, when Jimmy suddenly reached out with it's robotic arms, took the can from Tsuzuki, and pulled it closer to itself. What was supposed to be its bottom jaw slid back, revealing a sharp wheel. The wheel shot down, piercing the top of the can. Once that was done, something in the hands began turning the can.

Watari clapped in delight. "It works! It works!"

Jimmy finished opening the can and dropped it onto the counter. Tsuzuki, happy to finally have his can of soup open, reached for it. Just before his fingers wrapped around the can, however, Jimmy's little hands grabbed onto Tsuzuki's thumb and pinky, lifted them up, and proceeded to work as if Tsuzuki's hand was a can. He yelped as the machine's sharp wheel embedded itself in his previously uninjured hand and yanked it back, knocking the machine to the ground at Tsuzuki's feet. The machine then latched into Tsuzuki's pant leg. Tsuzuki kicked the machine back.

"Oops." Watari said, looking at the fresh cut in Tsuzuki's hand. "Guess I have to work on it some more."

Jimmy wasn't done, however. It lifted itself upright and began moving forward with wheels that were installed underneath it. Tsuzuki stepped back, and the can opener moved faster.

"Aaah! It's out to get me!" Tsuzuki yelled, running toward the doorway. "How is it still working?!"

"Oh, it has batteries too, in case there is a power-outage and you still need to open a can!" Watari bent down to pick Jimmy up, but he, too, was attacked by the machine.

"Yeow!" Watari yelled, and stumbled back to the doorway with Tsuzuki. Jimmy rolled quickly toward them, and the two Shinigami turned around and ran, leaving Terazuma and Wakaba to stare at the now-empty doorway in disbelief.

"Do we help?" Wakaba asked her partner.

Terazuma shook his head. "Nah, they can figure it out themselves."

"Mayday! Mayday! Attacking can opener!" Watari yelled, running through the halls alongside Tsuzuki, Jimmy hot on their trail.

"Watari! Why did you give it wheels?! Can openers don't need to move!"

"I thought it'd come in handy!"

"Handy for keeping people far away from it maybe!"

The two rounded a corner, almost falling over from their less than graceful turn. Up ahead was Hisoka, who had just returned from the library.

"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki yelled. "Run! Killer can opener!"

Hisoka turned around. "What the hell are you-" He didn't have time to finish his sentence, because Tsuzuki and Watari were getting closer and clearly had no intention of stopping. "Woah!" He turned around and began to run just before the two older Shinigami ran right into him. "What is going on?!"

"I told you! Killer can opener!"

Hisoka got between Tsuzuki and Watari to avoid being run over and stopped running. "Stop being ridiculous! There is no such thing as-" Before he could finish his sentence, Jimmy had latched on to his jeans and began tearing into them. "What the hell?! Get off of me!" He shook his leg violently, trying to dislodge the machine, but it wasn't letting go. "Watari! I know this is your fault! Now get it off of me!"

Watari rushed over to Hisoka's aid, wrapping both hands around the machine to pry it off, but his index finger had been a bit too close to the machine's round blade, and it began cutting at Watari's finger, actually digging down to the bone. Watari yelped and released the machine, but Jimmy still wasn't releasing Hisoka. Growling in frustration, Hisoka tried stomping on the machine with his free foot. Unfortunately, Jimmy's motion sensor caught the movement of Hisoka's foot rising into the air and the machine let go and rolled away just before Hisoka brought his foot down, causing the Shinigami to stomp on his own foot. "OW!"

Jimmy rolled around Hisoka, as if laughing at him. More frustrated than ever, not to mention embarrassed at being teased by a machine, Hisoka aimed a swift kick at it, sending the machine flying through the air. Hisoka's kick had been a bit too good, however, and Jimmy connected with Tsuzuki's head before the Shinigami had a chance to move. Tsuzuki fell backwards, Jimmy landing inches from his head, sparking and twitching.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Tsuzuki said, sitting up and rubbing his head where Jimmy had collided with it.

Hisoka sighed and crouched down beside Tsuzuki. "Idiot, why didn't you move?"

Tsuzuki whimpered. "I didn't have a chance!"

"Let me see." Hisoka yanked Tsuzuki's hand away from his head. There was a large bruise which was already forming a small bump.

"Maybe you should get some ice for that." Watari suggested.

Hisoka turned on Watari with a glare. "Maybe YOU should get some ice, seeing as it's YOUR stupid invention."

"Alright, I'll get it!" Watari ran down the corridor, heading for the break room to get some ice.

"What is going on?" Tatsumi asked, stepping into the hall after hearing all of the commotion and looking down at Tsuzuki, Hisoka and the machine.

Hisoka pointed to Watari's dying machine. "That. It...er...attacked my leg...and when I kicked it, it hit Tsuzuki in the head."

Tatsumi blinked. "It...attacked you?"

Hisoka blushed in embarrassment and showed his the bottom of his left pant-leg, which was torn in several places. "It was apparently supposed to be a can opener, but we all know what happens when Watari creates something."

Tatsumi pinched the bridge of his nose. He was going to kill Watari. "Where is Watari now?"

"Getting ice for the bump forming on Tsuzuki's head."

"Alright, got it!" Watari's voice called out. He stopped as soon as he saw Tatsumi. "Oh. Hey there, Tatsumi."

"Watari. Take your...thing...take it apart, and get back to work."

Even Watari knew better than to question Tatsumi when the secretary was angry. He handed Tsuzuki the bag of ice, which was wrapped in a facecloth, grabbed the dying Jimmy, and quickly made his way back to his paperwork.

Tsuzuki gingerly placed the bag of ice to his head, hoping it would numb the area until the pain receded. Today was not his day.

Hisoka noticed the almost-healed cuts on Tsuzuki's hands. "Now will you reconsider your ridiculous budget cuts?" he asked, looking straight at Tatsumi.

Tatsumi looked taken back for a brief moment, not at all having expected Hisoka to be so outright in telling him that he thought his budget cuts were ridiculous. Perhaps he did go a little overboard...

"Alright, I'll buy a can opener. But not an electric one, we can use a regular hand one."

"Fine. What about the library?" Hisoka said, standing up.

"What about it?"

"I shouldn't have to pay money to rent out books. If the Gushoshin need money that badly, we can find another way to help it. I'll donate, if I have to."

Tatsumi hesitated. "Alright...we can discuss it with the Gushoshin."

Hisoka wondered why the Gushoshin hadn't been at the meeting in the first place. He guessed that they weren't really having much of a budget problem at all and Tatsumi was exaggerating the need for budget cuts.

"The rest of the rules, however, will stay in place."

"My head hurts..." Tsuzuki whimpered, "I want apple pie..."

"I think you should call for another meeting to negotiate these budget cuts with us all, Tatsumi." Hisoka said, ignoring Tsuzuki's complaints.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thanks to Hisoka's persisting, another meeting had been called. The group had come to the agreement that each person would take a turn purchasing coffee for the office, which, Tatsumi decided, would discourage them from drinking it excessively. The same went with sweets- if anybody wanted, they could buy snacks for the whole office to share. Wakaba, however, was allowed to once again bake during her break time, so long as she used her own ingredients (which she took advantage of, cooking up a nice apple pie right after the meeting, much to Tsuzuki's pleasure). Property damage was still to be paid up-front, and anybody who didn't have enough money would lose a large chunk of their paycheck until the damage was paid off. Computers were to be put into sleep mode when not in use for any longer than a half hour during the day and made sure to be shut down when work ended.

All in all, everyone was satisfied (with, perhaps, the exception of Tatsumi), and life around the office went back to normal. Or, as normal as things could be in the Shokan Division.