Hello, people who actually bother reading the A/N's! I realized I had not updated for a month because of my laziness, writer's block, critic's block, typist's block, and my tendency to procrastinate, so I immediately rushed to get this thing typed up. My fingers are partially frozen, so forgive me if there are any typos. (Here's an example: typing any as 'ant.') I was about to just give you a short chapter about how stupid self-advertisement is, but I owe you guys a decent chapter after making you wait for so long. This is also my very crappy Christmas present to you guys, since I'm too lazy to type a fluffy one-shot. Oh, and this is in second person, mainly because I was too lazy to write it in first person. Enjoy…I hope…
The Guardians were bored…The End…How fun…And exciting…Yay…Notice the overuse of periods, and the terrible sentence structure.
This was how bored they had become. They were at the level were they would do anything, including speaking choppily, much like an illiterate three-year-old, to escape boredom, even for just a few seconds. In order to prevent this from becoming a badly-written crackfic, I decided to use the abilities bestowed upon me as The Narrator to save the story. Yes, I decided to educate them about Mary Sues.
A few seconds after the previous sentence was said, somewhere around the point of now, the Guardians were sent a package. Because I am The Narrator, and the fact that sending a package to each of them would waste too much paper, the Guardians were all in one place- the Royal Garden, where all of the unspoken Rules of the Universe are broken, just so that decent stories can be written. In this case, the broken rules were the following:
Televisions and desktop computers cannot be installed in an over-sized greenhouse used by children who have nothing better to do than drink tea and eat cake after school.
Mail cannot be sent to a place without an address.
Postmen cannot effectively deliver mail within two seconds.
Things falling out of the sky cannot miss the nearby character being used for comedic relief, and must immediately knock out a character, or squash the character into a little circle…shape…thing.
But, because this was the Royal Garden, a postman walked up to the table, placed a package at the exact center, and left.
Yaya, who chose to ignore the postman that somehow magically left the Royal Garden in three seconds, even though that's the time it would have taken for him to descend the stairs alone, but this fact was ignored, because, well, this was the Royal Garden, exclaimed, "Yaya-chii wonders what's in the package! Yaya-chii thinks that we should open it! Yaya-chii also thinks that was a really long introductory phrase!"
Cut!
"What did Yaya-chii do?"
You're not supposed to know that The Narrator is there!
"Oh, Yaya understands now!"
The brunette did not wait for anyone to get out of their I'm-Bored-and-I-Don't-Feel-Like-Doing-Anything pose, and immediately tore the package apart in five seconds with her bare hands, despite the fact that said package was wrapped in two layers of bubble wrap, placed in a manila envelope, wrapped in five layers of duct tape, and then bound by twine. But, of course, that fact was ignored, because this was the Royal Garden.
"Look! It's a movie! Yaya-chii thinks that we should watch it!" Yaya announced. Not bothering to check the others' reaction, she put the disk into the CD player and grabbed some popcorn, which came out of nowhere. Nobody wondered why popcorn appeared out of thin air, because they were all used to props that suddenly appear for the sake of comedy. Yaya then sat down and began watching the "movie."
Cut!
"Yaya didn't do anything this time!"
It wasn't you! It was the others. You're supposed to watch the movie too!
"Do we seriously have to?"
Yes, or none of us will get paid.
"Then can we do something about the seating arrangement? I really don't want to be stuck sitting next to Crossdresser for an hour."
"It's quite nice knowing that you hate me."
You think I like this arrangement? Do you think that the author is going to be happy when she finds out that one of the characters was killed?
"Then why are you making me sit next to him?"
It's either that, or we get killed by those crazy fangirls sitting behind those computer screens.
"Then why is it always me? Why not the others?"
Because the author hates the other couples because of how badly-written they always are, and will fire all of us if she finds out that we created a fluffy scene for any of the other couples. Now quit complaining or I'll lower your salary.
The Guardians sat down on the couch, which had again, appeared out of thin air. Nobody bothered to look excited, since that had not been part of the contract. The video then began.
A Documentary of Mary Sues
(I recommend picturing a dull, monotonous narrator voice saying these words.)
Since the beginning of fanfiction, Mary Sues have always lurked in the wild. They are in every fandom, and slowly spread their influence until the fandom is completely filled with their kind, thus destroying it. Today, we will observe a Sue in its natural habitat. Please, do not try approaching a Sue by yourself unless you have the proper equipment:
A flamethrower/Bucket of ice
Goggles to protect you from the harmful Sue rays
Armor to protect your body from the harmful Sue rays.
Any brand of Anti-Sue spray- we recommend Flaw™ and Imperfection™*
An even bigger, and hopefully violent, Sue that can kill the Sue if it gets out of control. We suggest that you use a loner-type Sue for this, so you won't have to deal with the cattiness of this Sue. (And her shiny purse of perfection.)
This is a Sue carefully extracted from the Shugo Chara fandom. We used a chara Sue (which sends out weaker Sue waves than an ordinary human Sue. Do not assume that all non-human Sues are less harmful, for some can contaminate you just by existing.) to protect your eyes from the Sue rays, which can cause potential brain damage, even in front of the TV. This Sue coincidentally happens to be named Nadeshiko, which, roughly translated, can mean, "perfect girl." Here is a live video clip of this Sue:
As if on cue, Nadeshiko came out of her perfect egg, and did a perfect curtsy, and then took off her perfect jacket and placed it in her previously mentioned perfect egg, revealing her perfect little rose pink dress. She then took out her perfect purse, out of her previously mentioned perfect egg, and pulled out her perfect miniature flute case, which held a perfect miniature flute, which she perfectly assembled, and then she began to play a perfect piece, which she perfectly composed on a sheet of perfect paper she made herself, on which she had perfectly written her perfect notes in her perfect handwriting, like a perfect Mary-Sue. Ah, the joy of perfection. You can see why we hate her now, can't you?
That was an example of a Perfect Sue, the most common type of Sue there is; Also known as Barbie-itis Sues, it is a type of Sue that's perfect, has no flaws, is drop-dead gorgeous, always cheerful, always liked, famous, is often unnatural good at singing, rich for no apparent reason, good at everything, and etcetera. Quite like that- is that a boy, or a girl? I'll just call it a thing- sitting in front of the TV right now.
The ever-so-spiteful Rima Mashiro then laughed at the comment, not because it was funny, but because it was making fun of the person she hated.
He's good at practically everything: cooking, dancing, singing, being perfect, and everything else. (He's also very rich...I demand money for doing this.) The perfect example of a Gary Stu- the Mary Sue's male counterpart.
There are four main types of Sues, which can each be broken up into smaller sub-categories, which split into even smaller groups of other Mary Sues with the same level of Sue-ism, which are then split into tiny sub-groups of Sues with similar traits. This is unofficially known as the Sue Kingdom.*
The second type of Sues are known as Failed De-Sue-ifiying Sues; Also known as the Cute Sue, they have many "cute" flaws, are plain-looking, but still loved by many, stay positive even if they're about to die, are sometimes hated by fangirls because of how close they are to the guy they worship, are klutzy enough to be cute, and may contain any other trait that falls into this category.
" THEY'RE ALSO THE TYPICAL SHOJO MANGA LEAD! LIKE AMU-CHII!" Yaya screamed, thus interrupting the video. The other characters momentarily snapped out of their boredom, and stared at Yaya as if she was crazy (which she was).
"Hey! What do you mean by that?" Amu asked.
"Oh, you know, how you always trip or fall or end up as the punch-line of a joke!" Yaya explained. Before an argument of some sort could break out, they were interrupted by the video, which suddenly became three times as loud.
The previously mentioned type of Sue is often created by authors who are intelligent enough to know what a Sue is, causing them to try to avoid them, thus creating a character they don't like. The author will probably try to make them likable by making them unnaturally cute, which still creates a Sue.
The third group are known as Misunderstood Dramatic Heroine Sues; Hated by everyone, and treated more harshly because nobody "understands" them. A trait that they all share is a tragic past. A canon character of the opposite gender often comforts them and then they start dating and live happily ever after. When Easter is included in the story, they are often some kind of undercover agent sent to fight the Guardians. After becoming friends with them, they'll reveal that they're actually an undercover agent for Easter because of their tragic past. This plot device has been used at least a hundred times, and could be officially recognized as a cliché.
The fourth type of Sue is the "Different" Popular Loner Sue; The new girl who looks awesome and cool and is perfect at everything, but has no friends because people think she's too cool and perfect to approach, even by the canon characters. Yes, you have probably seen them around before- the Amu Wannabe. They are almost exactly the same, with only their degrees of Sue-ism to set them apart. Their most prominent trait is how irritating they are. They are the most likely to cause you to yell at the screen, ranting about how unoriginal the Sue is. Rikka, Saaya, and that fanboy whose name starts with S were all Amu wannabes at some point. Please note the fact that one of the first thoughts you thought upon reading one of their names was, "Ugh, this person is so annoying." So, therefore, this proves that the Amu Wannabe's most prominent trait is how irritating they are.
That concludes this fun learning adventure. Please stay tuned for the next video in the series: The Wonderful Documentary of the Wonderful World of Self-Inserts.
"That wasted ten minutes of my life. I hate that film," Rima said.
"Well, look on the bright side," Amu said, "it's not like we had anything else to do."
"We could have been complaining about our low paychecks, how little say we have in things, the absurd story ideas, and the grammatical errors," Hikaru said.
"Says the person who gets paid and influences the stories the most," Nagihiko remarked.
"Well, Nagi doesn't need the money, because Nagi is already rich! But Yaya-chii needs the money to buy candy!" Yaya whined.
"Umm, they still haven't stopped filming, so you might want to stop complaining," Tadase said. This caused various levels of panic, ranging from the 'Oh no I fell off a cliff into a field of mines!' level of panic, to the 'Why is this even scary?' level.
"I told you we shouldn't have gotten the charas to film. They're complete airheads, with the exception of Hotaru. It's a wonder that they didn't forget to press the play button," Rima said.
"It wasn't our idea! It was mister I-want-to-get-paid-more-even-though-I'm-already-the-head-of-a-huge-company's idea!" Rikka said.
"But all of you agreed to it, so it's not completely my fault," Hikaru pointed out.
"The charas are still filming," Tadase noted. Apparently, someone got fed up with all of the arguing and uttered the forbidden word: prince. And because of that, Tadase stood up, and yelled like a Santa Claus on drugs. "MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! COMMONERS, STOP THE CAMERA AND BOW BE-"
End of Episode 9
*I'm quite sure these are not brand names, so don't threaten to find some lawyers that will sue me because I used the little TM sign.
*No, this does not exist. I just randomly made it up to fit the documentary theme.
Hello, people who are reading this! Today, we spoke about the subject that all guides include- Mary Sues. Yes, those little abominations, like Bunny-sama. (Chapter 8 reference)
Self-Inserts are very closely tied to Mary Sues, since almost all self-inserts are Mary Sues. If you can create a self-insert, and I can deem it un-Sue-ish, then you have very good self-control and deserve a dozen virtual cookies.
There are several traits that a Sue must have:
1. A Sue mustbe pretty or attractive, with very few exceptions. But if you're pretty, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're a Sue.
2. A Sue must be the love interest of a canon character or fall in love with a canon character, unless there is no romance at all in the story.
3. A Sue must be special or something. 0.(0*100)+1 exceptions. Solve the math, or Bunny-sama will come and whack you with her perfect purse of Sue-ism.
4. A Sue in this fandom must have at least three charas. And lastly,
5. A Sue must be irritating to at least two people.
Wait, I just remembered a sixth rule!
6. A Sue must be flamed upon reading a chapter of a story that contains one. Break this rule, and I will hunt you down and lock you in a virtual room with Bunny-sama and Recharu.
There was also another hidden rule- Obey the laws of physics or I will throw bricks at you.
Back in the days when only read fanfics and didn't review because I didn't know we could review without an account I saw tons of fics where things just appeared out of thin air for the sake of convenience. For example,
Self-Insert: OMG DERES A JIANT INDESTUKTIBLE MONSTER1!exclaim!one!1 i NO1! ILL JUST KIL IT W/ DIS MAGICAL HACHIT OF DESTRUING DAT I FOWD ON DE GROUND!1exclaim!i!
Life is not that convenient, as stated in this ancient Chinese proverb my dad keeps on pounding into my skull. "Meat pies don't fall out of the sky," (roughly translated) which means that things don't randomly appear when you need them, because you have to earn them yourself. So please, if you want some prop to magically appear, give a legitimate reason. Simply saying that they were lucky does not count.
Also, in case you were wondering what self-advertisement is, here's an example:
A Story
by
the author of this story, a sucky story, a dull story, a plot less story, and a grammatically incorrect story.
There's another way to do it, and you see that one around much more than the one above.
Lychee (Omg she's back! xD) : *Sigh*
Nadeshiko (See Sue above) : Why are you upset?
Lychee: You see, I wrote this super-awesome fic titled Rainbow Unicorns of Doom (Don't ask), but it barely has any reviews…*sigh*
Rima: It was horrible. It doesn't deserve any reviews.
Lychee: *Sigh* I guess you're right…I feel too depressed to update anymore…
Nadeshiko: Quick! Go review that story before she stops this story!
Basically, you shove one of your other stories into your readers' face, just so you can get reviews. During self-advertisement, the author will probably fake depression, or threaten to stop updating if they don't review. It's a giant waste of time, and it's irritating. Don't do it.
Also, please vote in the poll on my profile! I need the information for a future chapter.
Chapter Summary: Ohayo minna-chan! My name is Pretty-Princess-chan, I have 12 charas, I'm smart, athletic, pretty, artistic, good at singing and writing, I can make money magically appear out of thin air because I'm the super-powerful Authoress, and I'm also dating Ikuto. This reminds me; did I tell you about this super-awesome fic I wrote which you should revie-*shot a thousand times*