A petite blonde walked, er, shuffled, to the center of the stage. She pulled out a note-card and began reading in her expressionless voice.
"Hello, insane and mentally instable fools. (Read this sentence with excitement) Today, we have shoved the director in the closet, and are doing nothing.
Then, in a loud stage whisper, someone from behind the curtains shouted, "NO!1! WATASHI IS GOING TO DO A SHOW TODAY DESU~ NYA!1!" (Yes. Be afraid, because she's back.)
With a sigh much larger than herself (which really isn't saying that mu- OW! Sorry! Please don't hurt me! Nice midge-OW! I'll be quiet!), the blonde continued, "Nothing being a chapter with our 'special' guest. Please turn off electronics and hide all bright items, because the format change could cause a malfunction in them, causing you to be electrocuted or blinded for life." After a slight pause, she added, "Not that I care," and promptly shuffled to wherever she came from.
After a 1.414213562* second pause, a hideous mop of not pi- **
?: OHAYO MINNA-CHAN, WATASHI IS BACK DESU~NYA!11!1
Amu: N-nani? What's happening? And why was I speaking in Japanese? I thought this was an English broadcast!
Yaya: DUH! Because Japanese is shugoi and awesome and the best language evah!11!
Amu: YAYA? That wasn't very in-character…are y-you okay?
Rima: She's perfectly fine, Amu-chan! We're all genki-genki here!
Nagi: Rima-chan~ ^_^
Ikuto: Yo. *fangirls in non-existent audience faint*
Amu: O_O'…..Something's wrong. I'm getting the feeling that someone messed with their minds…Kaichou! Do you know what's wrong?
Kairi: There all perfectly fine. Some strange power has trapped us in this alternate dimension and-*singing random educational songs*
Amu: Kill me now…Wait…that's something Rima-chan would say! A-and Class Prez would never sing out in public! So the world must be ending! And if the world is ending, then-
Nagi: RIMA-CHAN! THE WORLD IS ENDING!
Rima: DON'T WORRY, NAGI-KOI, YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE ME! *glomp*
?: RELAX! ANATA DOESN'T NEED TO WORRY! THE SEKAI IS FINE DESU~NYA!1!
Amu: E-eh! It is? Then why is everyone acting so weird?
?: *laughs* Watashi thinks that maybe Recharu accidentally pressed the OOC switch desu~nya…
Amu: Re-Recharu? !
Recharu: HAI DESU~NYA! WATASHI WANTS TO INTRODUCE MINNA TO WATASHI NO CHARAS, DESU~NYA!1! Uta, Mimi, Sakura, Wapa, Ani, Kiki, Loli, and Kura, desu~nya!1!
Utau: HEY! One of them stole my name!
Amu: Utau! You too?
Recharu: OK!1! THIS IS WATASHI NO TALKSHOW SO WATASHI WILL DO A DARE FROM OUR REVIEWER DESU~NYA!1!
OMG I 3 ur story so much!11!1!1!1!1!
I dare you to Chara-nari with one of your eight charas!
P.S. I am not Recharu in disguise!1!
Recharu: HAI!1! Watashi picks…*eenie-meenie-miny-moe… * MIMI DESU~NYA1!11!
Amu: W-wait! I'm the main character! So shouldn't it be me?
Recharu: This isn't anata's story! So watashi should Chara-nari desu~nya1!
Atashi no kokoro; ANROKKU! *enters sparkly transformation mode*
CHARA-NARI!11! RABURII PURINSESU DESU~NYA!1!exclaim! (Lovely Princess)
TadaGAY: OMG IT'S PINK AND SPARKLY!1!
Amu: T-Tadase-kun…
Yaya: OMG IT'S TADAGAY KILL HIM!1!1
Kairi: TO THE GAKUEN ALICE ARCHIVES!1!1!
Rima: *grabs Hotaru's baka gun arsenal-don't ask how she can carry that many weapons with her mi- I'M SORRY MASHIRO-SAMA!- and gives them to everyone but Amu and Tadase*
Ikuto: FIRE!1!
Everyone: *shoots Tadase*
Amu: E-eh! D-did you just kill T-Tadase-kun!(?)
Rima: Probably.
Recharu: OK, NOW WATASHI WANTS TO SHOW MINNA RECHARU'S CHARA-NARI ATTACKS DESU~NYA!11! RABURII CROWN!1!exclaim!
All boys except Tadase- I mean Tadagay- the dead: WE LUV U RECHARU-SAMA *glomp*
Utau: Hmm…something isn't- Wait! Why are we all acting like this? This is nothing like our true personalities! *walks over to the boys*And you are just pitiful! She's a Sue! And not even the author's self-insert! So-
Recharu: Actually, watashi is desu~nya!
Lychee: Not while I'm- unfortunately- here.
Everyone: She's back! *runs to door*
Recha-
"THIS IS RECHARU'S TALKSHOW, AND WATASHI IS THE AUTHOR'S SELF INSERT, SO GO AWAY!" the pseudo rosette screamed.
"WELL IF YOU'RE THE AUTHOR'S SELF INSERT, THEN WHY DON'T YOU HAVE MAGICAL AUTHOR POWERS!" the other girl shouted. She confidently waved her arm in the air and…nothing. Seeing that, Recharu regained her confidence and…nothing as well. After a few moments of silencce, the perplexed look on the shorter, raven-haired girl's face turned into one of understanding.
"According to the non-existent book of rules for self-inserts, 'When there's a conflict between two or more self-inserts of an author, the conflicting sides will have their magical author powers withdrawn for the duration of the conflict,' or something," she explained. Turning to Utau, she said, "Either way, thanks for fixing my, I mean, the author's story."
"HEY!11! OMAE STILL DESTROYED RECHARU'S TALKSHOW, SO OMAE WILL PAY DESU~NYA!1!" Recharu screamed. And with that, and her still intact Sue powers, she grabbed the nearest camera and flung it at the present characters, including the now revived Tadase.
"We're going to have to find some way to get rid of that Sue by ourselves," Amu grimly announced.
"The only Sues we have are Amu-chan, who's not technically Sue because almost all main characters have to be Sues, because if they weren't Sues, there wouldn't be anything special about them, and the thing. Said object is expendable, so I say that we leave him here and escape." Rima suggested. As expected, everyone sighed, ignored her pointless attempt to get rid of Nagihiko, and moved on.
"Why can't we just try to defeat her with our attacks?" Kairi asked, while expertly dodging another camera.
"We tried that last time, but it didn't work," Nagihiko said. "I don't think she's human. That time, our attacks just went through her. Plus, we don't even have our charas with us."
"Hey! What about me?" the former author cried.
"You can't Chara-Nari, can you?" Amu asked. She ducked to avoid a microphone being thrown at her, causing it to hit Yaya, who was unfortunate enough to stand behind her.
"OW!"
"I'm sorry!"
"I've never been in a life-threatening situation, or used 120% of my charas' power, so no." Lychee continued.
"Neither has she," Utau pointed out, "In fact, I'm pretty sure all she's done is throw tantrums in front of her computer, while torturing poor innocent children who have to act in an anime for a living." She sidestepped as another prop flew past her.
"So should I try?" Lychee asked.
"We need all the help we can," Tadase chimed in.
"So…Yuuko…wake up. And I guess I'll just…how do you make the Unlock symbol again? Oh, I know," the former author mumbled, "Here goes…My own heart, UNLOCK!" Lychee stood there, unmoving, until a chair was thrown at the group.
"It appears that you were unsuccessful," Kairi noted.
"We can see that," Utau grumbled.
"Hey, she's gone."
Everyone turned to look at where Recharu was standing just moments ago. Sure enough, Ikuto was right, (as usual) and Recharu had disappeared.
"That was easy," Yaya said.
"You're right. I expected a harder battle," Amu said.
"I think…yes, she's back," Nagihiko announced.
"And she has the curtains."
"YAYA IS GOING TO DIE! Hey, Nagi, have you noticed that your hair turned black?"
To Be Continued… (I'm lazy)
*The first person to understand this mathematical reference and explain it in a review can, er, will be forced to put a self-insert in the next chapter or the one after the next chapter. (No, Spazzy, you can't do this since I already told you the answer) I don't mind if it's a Sue, but be prepared for severe bashing if it is. And if it's not a Sue, you'll still get bashed, just not as heavily.
**Huge hint here, for the mathematically challenged. I didn't even mean for that to happen! I just cut off the word pink! Not that you would care.
A "friendly" message from me
Surprise. I'm alive, and as spiteful as ever. My computer crashed and deleted my halfway completed chapter, and I just didn't have the heart to type everything up again.
Now, after much self-bashing, and guilting, I finally retyped what I originally had, in a record three days.
Really, you know how slowly I update. (Unless this is your first time reading this) I usually take about two and a half weeks to type the story segment alone!
Problem A
Anyways, that's beside the point, which I have not yet stated. (..) The point is that self-insert Sues suck. If I could, I'd go on a rampage and shoot each and every one of them down, after forcing them, and their creators, to read nine hundred pages worth of information about how useless and stupid self-insert Sues are. But, because I'm too lazy to find and type nine hundred pages worth of insults, and because I could not hunt all of them down, I won't.
You see, no matter what you say about me being "insecure because I 'put down' others to make myself feel better," self-inserts will almost always be a Sue. And I will hunt them down and kill them. Or at least drive their creators off the verge of insanity.
Now, you may ask, "Why do you hate self-insert Sues so much?"
Go ahead. Ask, and then make fun of my choppy sentences.
…..
Well, you see, quoting my non-biological twin, Sparkes585, "[I am] the biggest Mary Sue someone will ever meet." (Ask any of my classmates. Most will say something along those lines, without the term Mary Sue.) I know there are human Sues out there, and those Sues should be proud of having earned their Sue status. In fact, even semi-Sues should be proud. In fact, if anyone (other than your best friend, the local psycho, the local overall nice girl, your teacher or parents or some other voice of authority who has never heard of the saying that "nobody's perfect," etc.) has ever acknowledged your skill or intelligence, be proud of yourself.
Unless you just went all psycho therapist/counselor on your readers during a rant. Then, you should lock yourself up and sulk while eating unhealthy foods, like me!
Now, with that OOC pep talk in mind, think about it this way:
Does it not make you angry when you see someone portray themselves, which they claim to be just another character, as the student everyone idolizes or hates because of her talents, when the author appears to just be another one of the many lazy, selfish, shallow spoiled brats that expect to reap rewards with no effort of this generation?
Does it not make you angry to see those people typing out their fantasies, which they will never achieve with no effort, which closely resembles one of the accomplishments of you, your friends, or even your enemies, worked hard to achieve?
Are you angry now? Are you saddened by how petty, and shallow these people are? If you aren't, then you could very well be one of them, or turning into one of them.
The truth is painful. And so is listening to that little voice telling you to do the right thing, even though you don't want to. In fact, I know for sure that many people have tuned it out long ago. Really, how hard is it to do the right thing, so you can honestly say that you are a good person?
…..
Sorry there. I got a little off track.
So, in short, self-insert Sues are usually the product of wishful thinking without the will to achieve your goals. But even if the accomplishments of your character mirror the one of someone you know, that doesn't mean that it's okay to make it that way.
Fanfiction is using the characters of an already established fandom and writing stories about them. If Fanfiction was meant for OC-centered stories, OC would be one of the primary character options on the drop-down list. If you want to write an OC centered story, I'm fine with it, as long it's not trash along the lines of this:
_ _ is a powerful agent from [insert main antagonist group here], sent to destroy the Guardians. She could easily do so, because she can gather the power of several Shugo Charas into an egg and transform with it! But what happens when she falls in love with the Guardians' most powerful ally- Ikuto?
Really, are you that self-centered? It could be a great story plot- If the main character wasn't your OC. Of course, you'd probably think that your plot was creative and blah blah blah, but that took me five seconds to think of.
And if you are pairing yourself with Ikuto/Kukai/Nagihiko/Kairi for odd fangirl reasons, then I can relate, because one of my friends is a super-otaku and would stalk Kaito the Vocaloid if he were real, but still. Does she have to be a super-Sue as well?
…..
Wait, I have a solution:
Pretend that you are Amu/Utau/Yaya/Rima/Whoever.
And why? For the following reasons:
A) You end up with Ikuto/Kukai/Nagihiko/Kairi, like you wanted.
B) You get to be a semi-Sue/Sue with awesome talents that you'll never achieve by sitting there and doing nothing.
C) Other authors such as me won't have to sort through as much junk when we try to find decent fics to read.
So everyone's more-or-less happy. Problem solved, the end.
Problem B
Even though this was mentioned towards the end of the story, I find this to be the second most important point. Brace yourself, the truth is coming:
Not everyone can Character Transform. You need to use 120% of your chara's power, which I guess is triggered by strong emotions.
Amu transformed because she was about to die, unless she somehow stopped falling.
Utau could transform because she, obviously, wanted to protect Ikuto.
Rima probably transformed because she didn't want anyone to feel the sadness she felt when her parents wouldn't laugh.
Kukai, the first exception. I don't think just being in the light of the Humpty Lock will make you transform; it probably just magnifies power and emotion, seeing how it didn't affect the Guardians until later.
Tadase needed to be stronger and a better leader/king, so, he transformed.
Nagihiko needed to beat the X-charas in basketball with only Amu's help, and you know how useless she is when it comes to sports. Of course, it triggered memories and an emotional scene about him wanting to be a boy, and he transformed. During his and Rima's Easter battle, he understood his "Nadeshiko" situation, and transformed again.
And yet, everywhere, the main OC is able to transform immediately after her egg is born, usually because they felt the need to help the X egg or something. That's nice and all, but unless their chara was born from their dream to help people, they don't need to use 120% of their power.
Problem C
I don't have anything against talkshows. I just hate how the vast majority of them are in chat format, which, as stated in the Guidelines, is not allowed, unless you have a valid excuse.
Plus, most of them lack creativity and are along the lines of this:
Host: Okay, first up, we have a dare for Amu.
Amu: So what do I need to do?
Host: [insert dare here]
Amu: But-
Host: No complaining!
Amu: *sigh* Fine. *does dare*
Everyone else: O_O
…but with improper grammar and more smiley faces. So really, I don't really see the originality and creativity in those.
Problem D
Why does everyone have so many charas? It's like the minimum number is three.
Having twenty charas is not a good thing. One or two is reasonable, but if you have twenty different dreams, then that probably shows that you haven't worked hard enough to improve yourself. Usually, people end up with so many, because instead of having one chara for each cluster of dreams, they have one for each individual wish, or because they count every little dream as a strong one, thus causing a lot of charas.
Think about Lulu and how indecisive she was. Now, think about how many charas she has.
One. Even though she wanted to try "everything," she only has one dream, because when worded correctly, it only counts as one dream.
You don't get a chara for each little wish. I'm sure all of the characters have once thought, "I wish I could get better grades," but they don't have an individual chara for that wish, do they? In order for a chara to be born, you must have a strong wish. If you just think, "I wish I was a better artist…I'm not really that good…Oh well…I'm going to go watch anime," and don't work for it, you won't get a chara for that wish.
Simply put, you have to be obsessive about something for it to turn into a chara.
But, even if you really are obsessive about twenty varying things, then that doesn't necessarily mean you should have twenty charas. There's a fine line between telling the truth, and purposely getting on people's nerves. In this situation, the line doesn't exist, so both are one and the same. I highly doubt you would have time to obsess over more than three things, unless you have no life, but even if it was the truth, I'm sure that many people would still find that to be very annoying.
Problem E
OOC-ness is not cute. I'll probably write a chapter about this in the future, but I'll briefly write about it right now.
Please, just try to imagine the characters in your mind, and see which things you can imagine them doing. It seems as if everyone has forgotten that Rima does not shout, exclaim, express happiness or excitement on a regular basis, play sports, act like a spazzy tsundere, or glomp people. I'm a bit confused about how people can mix up Rima, Amu, and Yaya, and not notice. If you can't remember to keep the characters in character, then you should probably undergo therapy for amnesia.
On that happy note, I would like to address another problem that is not related to the chapter: the summary.
In 90% of the summaries, there is always a stupid question, such as, "Will they succeed in their mission?" or, "What happens when _?" Of course, there are also the pointless yes or no questions, which we all know will end up being the answer that benefits the author/fangirl's shippy visions. So really, what's the point of asking them? Am I the only who thinks questions are annoying? (No, of course not! You guys are all sensible…I hope…unless you're one of the people I have flamed that are trying to find material for a hate review…)
Here are the results for the poll that was previously on my profile:
9 votes- Tadamu
8 votes- TadasexOC, TadasexLulu
6 votes- TadasexSaaya, TadasexNadeshiko, TadasexOther
4 votes- TadasexFiller-Character-That-I-Find-Annoying (which is all of them)
3 votes- TadasexYaya, TadasexIkuto, TadasexKuukai
2 votes- TadasexRima, (Don't split up Rimahiko! D:) TadasexKirishima Fuyuki, (I found out what his name was!) Tadasexthat-Amu-fanboy-whose-name-I-don't-know
1 vote- TadasexNagihiko, TadasexKairi
5 people didn't care as long as he died, and one believed that, "NOO!l!1! GAY BLONDS DON'T DESERVE 2 B HAPPI!1!1" Nobody supported TadasexNobuko. (as expected)
It's not there anymore. I put a new one up, because the Tadase chapter that everyone will hate is after the continuation of this one.
Chapter Summary: Talkshows suck 99% of the time, so if you want to create one, stay with the 1% that does it well.
Self-insertion itself isn't bad, but those scary fangirls destroyed the thin line between self-insertion and self-glorifying. So the next time you see one of those fangirls, show no mercy and flame them. Unless you're nice. Then, you should just repeatedly whack yourself on the head with a medium-weight object until you're not that annoyed anymore. Have a nice day, and thank you for reading! (This is what I say when I flame someone. Be scared…)