We accept the love we think we deserve
(Stephen Chbosky – The Perks Of Being A Wallflower)
Sam's POV
"What are you doing here?" he finally stuttered.
"Came to see if you were okay" Leonard pulled away for a moment, turning Freddie around like a dummy, making sure he was okay.
"What are you doing here?" he repeated the question like a broken record.
"I told you son, I saw it on the news and I took the private jet here" he grabbed Freddie's chin, lifting his head up to take a better look at the bruise in his head.
"What are you doing here?" I was pretty sure he was going to keep asking until he got the answer he wanted.
"Freddie…" Leonard started but Freddie pushed his hands away.
"You didn't need to come all the way from New York. You could've just called"
"That wouldn't be enough" he tried to touch Freddie again, but he backed away "I needed to know if you were okay"
Freddie was silent for a second, then he opened his arms, like you do when the police searches for drugs or whatever. He turned around, pointing at his back, then turned to his front again pointing at his cut.
"Ten stitches, but other than that I'm fine. You saw it for yourself, now if you'll excuse me" Freddie walked to the door "I need to eat and take a nap before my mother gets here"
"Son, don't be like that…" Leonard sighed "I came to see if you were okay"
"And you have. Now leave"
"Freddie…"
"You've been depositing the money every month, that's more than enough" he faked a smiled.
"You never touched the money. Yes I keep a track on the account"
"Well, I never needed to, my mom gives me everything I need. But don't worry, I'll work on it. I'll spend it as soon as I get into college. Now, if you'll excuse me…" he held the door open.
"Fine. Here's the hotel I'm staying in" he wrote down the name on a piece of paper he had inside his pocket "here's my room and the phone… if you need anything…"
"I won't, don't worry. You can leave now"
I never saw Freddie being so rude to anyone in my life, there was a fire in his eyes, but his face was a blank, like he had no emotion for this man that was in front of us. Leonard complied, walking towards the door. He stopped in front of Freddie, and reached out his hand to touch him, but Freddie stepped back, not allowing any kind of physical contact. His father gave up and left. The second he was out the door, Freddie kicked it shut and banged his hand against the wooden material.
"Freddie…"
"Not now Sam!" he growled "I'm going to take a shower"
He stormed out of the room, leaving me alone with a thousand of questions. This was going to hard I could tell. Something very bad happened between him and his dad, something he wasn't willing to forget. Or forgive.
As we sit silently on the table, the only sound I can hear is him chewing. He's eating faster than ever before, like he hasn't eaten in a week. I expected it was because my food was that good, but I knew it was because if he kept his mouth full he couldn't answer my question. He was hoping I would get the hint.
"This upsets me" I started, he keep eating "every damn time I had a problem you forced it out of me"
He didn't even lifted his head off the damn lasagna to look at me.
"You say I need to trust you with my problems, and I'm doing a hard work trying to, but when it comes to you, this rule isn't valid. Am I right?"
He took a sip from his peppy cola, and continued to ignore me.
"Damn it Freddie!" I stood up, and yanked the plate off his sight "talk to me, don't do this, don't push me away"
"What do you want me to say?" he stood up, almost knocking down the table "huh? What do you want me to say?"
"I wanna know what's going through your mind right now!"
"What's going through my mind right now?" he put his index finger on his chin "let me see… oh yeah, I was trying to eat and you're being a pain in my ass!"
I gasped. He never talked to me like that before.
"Oh… I'm sorry, for caring about you" I put his plate back on the table "I didn't know that was capital offense. Jerk!"
"Sam…"
Screw him, I just wanted to help, but if he doesn't want my help… well, he might as well just fuck himself. I stormed out of the room, going to his bedroom, throwing myself at his bed. The only thing I wanted to do was help him, and he was pushing me away. Just like I always did to him, but I expected him to be better than that. Guess I was wrong.
I growled and covered my face with his pillow, inhaling his cinnamon scent. Why does everything have to e so hard? One minute I could swear we're going to be happy and problem free, and now this. Why can't we just be like normal couples? Why can't we just have a minute of peace? And why, why on earth can we be more open with each other? I felt the bed sagging, as he sat next to me. I turned to my side, not wanting to see his face.
"I'm sorry, I was an idiot. I shouldn't talk to you like that" he laid behind me, arm around my waist "I'm sorry"
"I should kick your fucking ass for that" I turned around to face him "never, ever talk to me like that again Benson. Ever"
"I won't. I promise Princess Puckett. I'm so sorry" I saw so much sincerity in his eyes.
"God Freddie, I just want to help. Talk to me please… please?"
He gazed me for a moment, then sat up, rubbing his face.
"He never hugged me before" I sat up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders "never ever"
"What did he do to you?"
"Nothing"
"Freddie…"
"No I mean it… and that's the problem, he did nothing"
"Okay, I'm confused"
"He and my mom are distant cousins as you know" I nodded "so, he was fooling around with my mom, like he did to every other cousin he had. He and my mom… you now" he made an awkward hand movement "but she got pregnant, so my granddad forced him to marry her. Otherwise he would stop paying for law school. Every day, since the day I was born, he looked at me like I ruined his life Sam, every time. Like I was the one to blame for his failures. He never wanted to marry my mom, he never loved her, he just wanted to have a good time with his last virgin cousin and move on, but I ruined his plans. For eight years, he never hugged me once, he never ever called me son, he used to call me kid. Hey kid, don't do that kid, stop bugging me kid. All I ever wanted was for him to go to my science fair, or take me out to get ice cream, or I don't know… call me son"
Dang it, what should I say? I barely knew my dad, and I don't have the best mother/daughter relationship, there's nothing I can say to him right now.
"They fought a lot, they were loud. I heard every time my mother cried because he was out with another woman, or because he kept telling her she ruined his life. He finished law school, in Harvard as he always dreamed, then when I was eight, he left us. First, he picked me up in school, which he never did before, then he told me to watch TV, went to his room and packed his bags. When he was about to leave I asked him where he was going and he just said: tell your mother I'm not coming back. I never saw my mom so miserable before, something inside of her changed, forever, like she was broken. She used to be fun you know, we used to go to the park once in a week, she used to help me with my homework and we had a lot of fun doing my science projects. After he left, she was quiet, she still helped me with homework, but it wasn't the same thing as before. Our walks in the park? Forget that" he snorted "never happened again. My mom used to tell jokes Sam, she used to be funny… now she's… crazy"
"Later we found out he moved to New York with his secretary. Wanna know why my mom didn't like you?" I nodded "mostly because you remind her of the woman he left her for"
"What?"
"Blond, big boobs, hot as hell. She thinks you'll steal me away from her too" he chuckled "of course he always sent money that was his way to prove my granddad he could do it, he was a man. He was the man. At first, like it was his obligation, he called me, once in a month, and my birthday. He sent gifts, expensive stuff, and money, lots of money. He couldn't let anyone think his son was some sort of hobo bastard, no, I had to be well taken care of because he was rich, he had cash" he mocked "it was his way to prove himself to everyone. While he live in New York with his new wife and her two perfect, blond, athletic kids, my mom and I had to take care of his father, dying of cancer. He never even bothered to call, but sure he paid for the funeral"
Freddie rubbed his face, and ran his hands through his hair. I never ever imagined he could have so many problems with dad. That's why he's so insecure, but he's so loved, even if his dad doesn't, I do, Marissa does, Carly does, Spencer, Brad, Gibby, Gun Smoke, Patrice.
"Freddie, that doesn't matter, you know. You have people here who love you, I love you, your mom loves you. Never forget that" I held him tighter.
"I know babe. I just don't get it, you know. Why is he here now? He never bothered to come before, why now?"
"Well I don't know how his twisted mind works. All I know is, you never ruined anyone's life, you're amazing Freddie. You're an amazing guy, and your friends love you, your mom loves you more than anything, and me. God, boy!" I shifted and sat on his lap "I love you so fucking much. Remember that whenever you feel sad"
"I know" he cupped my face "and I love you more than anything" he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly "I just want him to go back to wherever the hell he came from"
"Uh huh" I kissed his neck "if he's here to hurt you, then I'll make sure he goes straight to hell"
"Oh, he will anyway. He's a horrible person"
"How so?" I pulled away.
"All of his clients are rich criminals, perverts with cash, mobsters… whoever can pay more" he scoffed "do you have any idea of how many bad guys he helped skip justice? How many bad people are walking around doing bad stuff because he doesn't have a single honest bone in his body? He's a bad person"
I knew this was something difficult for a good guy like Freddie to understand. What his father did for money was bad, sure, but people do worst things every day.
"That's why you never touched his money? Because you think is dirty?"
"Yeah…"
"Baby… its just money ya know, doesn't matter where it came from, if you're not using for evil, then isn't evil"
"I just… its dirty money. Money that put a criminal back on the streets!"
"I know, but you're not the one to blame for that!" I intertwined my fingers behind his neck "if you don't want to use it, fine, but I'm not going to let this get to your head, ever. Do you understand me dork?" he nodded.
"I would use the money for you… like I told you before, if you ever want to go to college I wou-" I pressed my lips against his.
"Don't start Freddie, please not now. If you don't want to touch the money, then I don't want you to. Not even for me"
"But Sam!"
"No buts!" I kissed him again "every dime in this whole goddamn world is dirty Freddie, there's no escape from that"
"I know… but that's not the only reason why I never used the money"
"What's the other reason?"
"I don't quite know… I guess part of me just wanted to prove him I don't need him, I just wanted to show him I'm fine without him"
"And you are" I hugged him tightly "he's the one who's missing not having a great son like you. And you're winning, by not having to share anything other than DNA with this guy"
"You're right" he pulled away and kissed me "I have you, and my mom, and my friends, I don't need him. Besides, it's not like I don't have a fatherly figure… Gun Smoke has his flaws, but he's one hell of a guy"
"I know babe…" I bit my lip "that reminds me… why did you lie?"
"About what?"
"About his name. You said his name was Frederick, but Frederick was your granddad"
"You asked me my dad's name, and he's not my dad, he's my biological father. My granddad was my dad; he was the one who took care of me and my mom when he left. So technically I never lied"
"I guess…" I ruffled his hair and he laughed "get some sleep babe, I'll clean the table and do the dishes"
"You don't have to. We can do it together and then we can lay here and take a nap"
"No, I think you're going to need all the strength you have when your mother gets here" I stood up and he groaned "please dork, do it"
"Fine. Kiss" I leaned and kissed him, when I tried to pull away he tossed me on the bed and kissed all over my collarbone.
"Freddie… seriously…?" I gasped, feeling his lips on my neck "come on… save your strength for later, stud"
"Nope, my mother is going to lock me in here till college, I have no idea when I'll be able to have a little fun time with you again" he unbuttoned my jeans.
"Ah… damn it…" I gave up when he stick his hand inside my underwear.
After we had our little fun time, I kissed his forehead and left him there, sleeping. He needed all the rest he could get, and hopefully he wouldn't have any nightmare, at least not now. I washed the dishes, and cleaned the kitchen. I went over to Carly's and told her the news. She was as surprised as I was with Freddie's father's visit, and as pissed as I was with his whole story. Spencer even set fire on a fork (don't ask me how that's possible) while hearing the story.
"So that's what happened. I mean, can you believe that guy? And now he has the nerve to show up… what the heck is wrong with him?"
"Oh my! No wonder Freddie doesn't want to see him. What a horrible person" Carly said, drinking her disgusting lemonade she called especial.
"Yeah. What a prick, but if he even for a second try to hurt Fredalupe, I'll kick his fancy lawyer's ass"
"I'll help" Spencer said "but Freddie doesn't need him, he has us. And Gun Smoke, who loves him like a father should love a son"
"He does, doesn't him?" she smiled.
"I know…" I glanced between Carly and Spencer. I guess they got over that whole Griffin issue "I have to go now, check on Freddie before Marissa gets here"
"Oh my god… are you going to tell her, her ex is in town?" Carly asked.
"Guess I have to, because I know Freddie won't"
"Hey guys" Brad said opening the door.
"Hey baby" Carly stood up and greeted him with a kiss.
"Hey Brad" Spencer said from the kitchen.
"Hey Hobo McBieber"
"Ha, ha Sam. So anyway, I was going to check on Freddie..."
"Yeah, save it for another time. He's asleep" I stood up, grabbing the last muffin from the basket on the coffee table "have to go my dorks. Carly, tell Justin McGeeker the news"
"What news?" he asked.
"Sit down baby, let me tell you a story"
I came back to Freddie's apartment, and thank god he was sleeping soundly. Not that he needs me to babysit him, because he's a big boy… in every meaning of the word, but with everything that happened to him since yesterday, I just wanna make sure he's okay. When it comes to my problems he's good in talking about it, giving advice, and forcing it out of me, but when he's the one having problems… he refuses to talk about it, like his problems are going to upset me or something. I guess he has his own walls, but if he can break through mine, I can break through his.
A knock on the door woke me up from my thoughts. I opened up and my mother hugged me so tight I thought I was going to suffocate. Marvin was right behind her, and he let out a breath he seemed to be holding for hours. Mother, let go of me and slapped my face.
"Ouch!" I put my hand on my cheek.
"How could you? You wanted to kill me? Is that it?" she started to holler "you wanted to kill me Samantha?"
"Mother stop yelling!" I hissed "Freddie is asleep!"
"No! I won't stop yelling! You should've called me! A phone call Sam! To let me know you were alive! Your sister called me today, she saw it on the internet! We were so worried! We didn't know where you were! I called Carly and she told me you were here! Why didn't you call me?"
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… so much happened today I just… I forgot"
"You forgot to call your mother, but you surely didn't forget to sleep over at your boyfriend's house!"
"That's not true! I'm here because Freddie almost died yesterday, because he needed ten stitches on his forehead, because he's so damn bummed with what happen that he keeps dreaming about it"
"Oh…" she trailed off.
"I'm sorry mom, I should've call. And I was going to, this morning but then… Freddie's father came here"
"His what?"
"His father… turns out he doesn't really fancy his father, so I was making sure he wouldn't have a mental breakdown. I'm sorry mom, I was careless, I'm sorry. I really am"
"Oh Sammy…" Pam wrapped her arms around me again, sobbing against my neck "I was so worried. I thought something bad happened"
"Mom… I'm fine. I got out of there without a scratch. Freddie was the one who got hurt. He left seconds before the place exploded" I comforted her.
"Oh my…" she pulled away and sniffed "is he okay?"
"Yeah. He's fine… physically at least. Mentally… well, I'm not so sure"
"What does that mean?"
"Just that… well, never mind, I'll help him through whatever… hey Marvin"
"Hey Sammy. We were very worried about you" he stepped forward and gave me a hug "thank god you're okay kid"
"I'm fine. Seriously. I was more worried than anything else, even though I hate to admit it"
"Okay, now let's go home" my mother wiped the tears off her eyes along with her mascara.
"Sorry mom, I'm not leaving Freddie. Marissa isn't here and I'll not leave his side" I stood my ground "I won't leave him alone"
"But Sam…!" she whined.
"No buts! I'm fine, you saw it for yourself, I don't even have a scratch"
"Samantha. I won't tell you twice! You'll come home with me right now!"
"And do what? Walk around the place worrying about him while you observe? No, I'm not going. I'll be home when Marissa gets here… or tomorrow"
"Sam!"
"Mom!"
"Okay, stop that" Marvin stood between us "listen, Pam, if Sam wants to stay let her"
"But!"
"No, honey she's right. She's okay, and Freddie probably needs her more than you do right now, besides he cannot be alone right now. But Sam, you must come home in the morning"
"Yes, yes I will"
My mother hugged me for about a minute, before finally going back to our house. I was deeply sorry for not calling her, and I knew I should, but my mind was running a mile a minute since yesterday. I was going to call her, let her know I was fine, but then Freddie's dad came along and I forgot all about it. Well, she saw me now, didn't she? So she knows I'm alright. About three o'clock, I decided to make him some snack and wake him up with a kiss, try to make him feel better. I kept telling myself not to baby him, but he was mad, and even if he denied I was sure he was a bit sad. But then I heard the door clicking, and somebody running inside the apartment.
"Where is him? Where's my baby? Where's my Freddie?" Marissa dropped her purse on the floor.
"Hey Marissa… Gun Smoke" he nodded at me. He seemed as worried as Marissa, but the guy had a lot of self control.
"You tell me where he is!" she grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, aka Freddie's shirt.
"Settle down Crazy" I took her hands off me "he's asleep. He's fine, he ate and I changed his bandages. The doctor told us he was good to go, sure he needed a few stitches, but he's fine now. Here…" I grabbed Freddie's exams that were over the table and handed to her "his exams"
She ripped the envelope open, read the papers and looked at each exam twice.
"Oh thank god…" Marissa put her hand on her heart "where is my baby?"
"He's in his room, sleeping. Don't wake him up with your craziness, okay? Just do it slow, he's been a little bummed since yesterday"
"No kidding!" she snarled.
"Relax" I put my hand on her shoulder "he's fine Marissa, he's alive and okay"
"I was so scared" she admitted, her eyes beginning to water.
"Me too… god, I never felt so damn afraid before, and even with the doctor telling me he was alright, still I couldn't relax, my heart was beating so fast, and even when I saw… I still felt like I could lose him"
"Oh… Samantha… I'm so…" she finally cried, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and soaking my shirt.
That was not something I ever expected coming from her, I was out of reaction. Why should I do? Hug her back? We have our share of problems, but we love Freddie more than anything. I sighed, and wrapped my arms around her upper body. Man, this is weird.
"It's okay now… it's alright"
I allowed Marissa to cry on my shoulder, because she was feeling the exact same thing I felt yesterday, and today, and a minute ago. When we almost lose the person we love the most, our emotions are put into a blender, mixed, and then spilled everywhere. I stroked her back, not really sure of what to do, this was something new for me, because let's face it, we're not best friends.
"He's fine, ya know… he's okay Crazy" I assured her.
"Oh my god… you took a good care of him?"
"Yes, I fed him, changed his bandages, and now I made him some snack. He's asleep for a while now. Why don't you go check on him and take this with you" I gave her the tray with big sub I made for him, orange juice and muffins.
"I will… I will" she wiped away her tears "thank you Samantha"
"Oh, before you go…" I had to tell her, because I knew he wouldn't "Leonard was here today"
"What?" I had to run and grab the tray she almost dropped "what?"
"Yeah, he was here. Came to see if Freddie was okay"
"How did Freddie react?" Gun Smoke asked.
"Let's just say he wasn't very happy, but now he's better"
"Oh my god. I knew I should never left, I knew I had to stay close to my baby boy"
"Marissa, is not your fault. It would have happened either way" Gun Smoke put his hand on her shoulder.
"How do you know that?" she growled.
"Because when something is meant to happen it always does. We can't change that"
"I'm going to see my son now" she grabbed the tray from me "thank you"
"You're welcome Crazy"
Freddie's POV
After my mother woke me up sobbing her head off, I felt tired. Sam went home to get some clothes, and she didn't even have to fight with my mother to spend the night, because mom seemed somewhat thankful that she took care of me. She promised she would be back soon, and to guarantee she would be Gun Smoke gave her a ride. He hugged me tightly for a bout ten seconds, but didn't say much, that's what I liked about him I guess. He wasn't a man of words, but his actions spoke for himself. I've got a lot of visits today, which I appreciated but don't necessarily wanted, today was shitty and I just wanted to be alone. Carly, Brad and Spencer brought me cupcakes and more tight hugs, Wendy, Gibby and Tasha made me laugh a little and actually relax for the first time today, and Patrice sat down and talked to me for a while.
I wasn't sure how I was feeling about Leonard's visit, I mean he never came here before, he never cared and now this? Why? Why would he even bother to come? He should've sent a check or something like he always does. In fact, it's easier for me this way, because I don't get my hopes up how I did when I was a kid.
Once, all I wanted was to be hugged by him, to see him in Christmas, holydays, birthdays. But that desire slowly faded away as I watched my grandpa die. He never even bothered to come and see his father, his own father. Then why would he even bother to see me? The boy who ruined part of his life. I guess after years and years getting the same cold shoulder, I kinda became cold to him as well. It was an automatic reaction to his figure, my mind was used to this, this distance between us, and now I don't know how to be near him… I don't want to.
After talking to Sam I realized I have everything I need to have a happy life. A loving, yet crazy-ish mother. A quiet and cool stepdad… I'm not even sure if I should call him that, because his more than just some guy who's dating my mom to me. Great friends, who love and put up with me. iCarly, a hit web show that's off the hook. And most importantly, a beautiful girl who loves me as much as I love her. I had love all around me, so if he didn't love me, that wasn't quite important, I had enough love to go by.
"Hey baby" my mom knocked on my door before I told her it was okay to come in "how are you feeling"
"Mom, you asked me that ten times already" I whined "I'm fine. Where is Sam?"
"She's not back yet, her mother is probably worried about her as well" she sat quietly on the foot of my bed "honey? Samantha told me your dad was here today"
"Oh no…"
I can't believe we're going to get into this conversation now.
"Yes. How do you feel about it?" she put her hand on my knee.
"I don't feel anything about it. I just wish he wasn't here, it's easier when he's not. I'm used to the distance… this… I don't know how to deal with this"
"I know sweetie. I wish I could tell you what to do, or even something that would make you feel better, but I'm just as shocked as you are"
"Yeah. But hopefully he's going away soon" I was interrupted by the doorbell ringing "you think it's Sam?" I jumped.
"Honey, relax. I don't think it's Samantha, Joe has the key, he wouldn't ring the bell" my mother got up and I followed her "maybe it's Carly or Spencer, even Bradley"
"I guess" I still had a bit of hope it was Sam, I've been dying to see her since she left fifteen minutes ago. UGH, what's wrong with me?
"Hey Marissa" oh no… not him again.
My father stood before us, wearing one of his many expensive suits. Only god knows what he wants this time.
"May I come in?" he asked my mother, but she looked at me for approval. Before either of us could respond, he walked in, stopping in front of me "Fredward"
"What are you doing here?" don't I ever have a better question?
"I came to see you son. I know you don't really want me here, but hear me out" I nodded and he proceeded "I was so worried when I saw the news. I figured you were hurt and I…"
"You never came here before, why would it be different now?" I asked.
"Son…"
"No, no. No, no… you didn't come here when grandpa was sick, or when he died. Or to his funeral, so why now? Why are you here now?"
"I just thought…"
"No, I don't care what you thought. I don't need you here. I already have access to the bank account, and don't worry, I'll use the money, but I don't need you here. So leave!" I shouted "go back to whatever hellhole you came from!"
"Fredward!" my mother reprehended me.
"No mother, we both know that we don't need him. His presence is unnecessary, so I might as well save him some trouble and let him know that!"
"Son, you're being unfair. I came all the way from New York because I was worried about you and that's how you thank me?" oh no… he didn't.
"Thank you? Thank you for what exactly?" I growled "for ignoring me my whole life? For making my mom miserable? For giving me a cold shoulder since the day I was born?"
He looked at me for a second, like he couldn't understand what I was saying, like he didn't know what I was talking about.
"I don't need you, never did and never will!"
I watched Sam and Gun Smoke walking into the apartment. She dropped her bag on the floor and advanced towards me, but my mother held her arm and shook her head. Sam stopped and bit her lip nervously.
"What's going on here?" Gun Smoke asked from behind Leonard "Freddie? What's going on here?"
"Oh nothing… he's leaving"
"Who is this?" Leonard asked.
"I'm Joe Andrews, Marissa's boyfriend" he offered Leonard his hand. My so called father analyzed him for a second before shaking his hand politely "and you are?"
"Leonard Benson. Freddie's father"
"Oh sure, of course you are… is that a problem Freddie?" he looked at me asking if I wanted him to kick this man out of my house.
"No, like I said, he was just leaving. Right Leonard?" I opened the door for him "right?"
"Son, we need to talk. Forget about the past Freddie, I'm here because I worry about you. When I saw that you almost died, I worried that something would happen to you, or me and I would never get to know my own son. I just want to mend my mistakes"
I wish I could believe him, but I didn't. And even if he's being honest I didn't care. I didn't care about him and I didn't want him in my life; his presence is unnecessary to me right now.
"Maybe I don't want to know you" I said harshly "but there's nothing to worry about, I don't hate you, I just don't need you in my life. But I appreciate the money; I guess that's good enough. It's being good enough for you for years right? So why wouldn't be good enough for me?"
I clenched my jaw waiting for him to respond, but he didn't. He looked at the floor and sighed, everybody around looked like they were walking on a minefield. You could actually touch the tension in the room, but hey, what the hell? I don't care! - Insert happy face here! -
"Okay. I'm going, but I won't leave town until we talk Freddie. If don't come to visit me in the hotel, I'll keep coming here" he stopped right in front of me, and I saw how much I actually looked like him, physically at least "I neglected our relationship for years, and I won't do it again. I want to be part of your life son, please let me"
Once, this was all I that I wanted and looking at this man right now, I don't know why. He'd hurt me and my mother so many times, I don't think it's possible for me to open my heart to him ever again.
"Please, go"
Leonard sighed, tried to touch me, but I stepped back just like yesterday, and he left. I closed the door and turned around, my mother, Sam and Gun Smoke was looking at me cautiously, like I was going to freak out at any minute, but I wasn't. Like I said before, his presence doesn't affect me that much, not anymore.
"So? Wanna put your bag in my room Sam?" I walked over her, grabbed her hand and kissed it.
"I uh…" she looked around, then to my mom "I don't… know"
"Freddie?" my mom put her hand on my shoulder "don't you wanna talk about it?"
"About what? Sam sleeping in my room? Because that's where she'll be sleeping, ya know?"
"No, Freddie, I think she means what just happen" Sam said.
"No I don't. I'm fine" I smiled at her.
"Honey… I think you should… give your father another chance"
Please tell me that my mother didn't just say that… please tell me she's against me in this one.
"Mother? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear it"
"No Fredward, we're going to talk about this. That man you just kicked out of here is your father, whether you want it or not"
"No he's not!" I turned around "no he's a stranger! I don't see him since I was eight, I don't care about him and until yesterday he didn't care about me either!"
"Don't use that tone with me young man!"
"Maybe if you weren't against me I wouldn't!" I shouted.
"Freddie! Don't talk to your mother like that" Gun Smoke growled.
"You know what? I'm going to pretend we never had this conversation!" I told her "I'm going to my room now, and pretend this last twenty minutes never happened!"
I stormed out and slammed the door. Ugh! This is so fucked up! Now even my own mother agrees with him! What the heck? I lay in my bed thinking about what just happened. He was trying to sneak back into my life and I wasn't comfortable with that. Of course, I didn't hate him, hate was a strong feeling and it required for me to actually have any sort of feeling towards him, which was not the case. He was, to me, like a chair in the living room, its presence is unnecessary and I honestly don't care what happens to it. Giving the circumstances, I would care more about that chair in the living room, than my own father.
Don't take me for the bad guy, he deserves it. He never, ever had been there for me so I got used to go by without a father. When my mother met Gun Smoke, I found that fatherly figure I've been unconsciously searching for, and now, with Sam as my girlfriend my life is complete. See? There is no point in reconnecting with Leonard now, I don't need him. I'm fine.
"Hey" Gun Smoke stuck his head inside my room "can I come in?"
Sam was the person I really wanted to see right now, but that doesn't matter, seems to me I can't get anything I want lately, like a little privacy.
"Yeah sure" I sat up; making room for him "I'm sorry for the way I spoke to my mom"
"Don't tell me that, tell her" he sat on the edge of the bed, and I chuckled, he seemed too big for my bed "Freddie, I know that you don't want to talk about, and I'm not going to force you, however I want you to know that I'm here for you, for whatever you need"
"I know… it's just… I'm used to not having him in my life and to be honest I like it better this way, and now he's here and he wants to be a part of my life? I don't know how I feel about this"
"Your mother told me everything that happened, and honestly I think that guy is a douche, but he's your father and nothing ever going to change that"
"He might be my biological father, but he's not my father. He never was. I feel closer to you than I ever felt to him my entire life, he never done anything to change that. He never bothered to kill the distance between us, so why the hell should I want him in my life now?"
"You know boy, I don't have kids of my own, and since I've met you and your mom, I feel like you're the closest thing to a family that I ever had" he put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a hard squeeze "so pay attention because I'm only going to say this once. I love your mother more than anything, but she's not the only one I love boy. I love you too, like you're my own son"
I felt the cold tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. Since I was a boy I always wished to have a fatherly figure, someone who would do father/son things with me. That's why I enjoying fencing with Spencer so much, I fantasized I was actually doing it with my own dad, and when my mother tried to forbid me from taking classes I wouldn't give up. Maybe I secretly needed that little fantasy to fill out the empty space my father left. Of course someone can only pretend Spencer is his father until a certain point, and after Gun Smoke came into my life I felt myself replacing my own fatherly fantasies with this great man's presence.
"I love you like you're my own dad"
"But boy, you know that even if I wanted to be you father, I couldn't, not biologically anyway. If you don't want to have your father being a part of your life, I get it, but I don't think you should do it without trying first" I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off "I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just giving you an advice and you have the choice to take it or not. For better or for worst, you still have me. In my heart, you'll always be my son, but there's a guy out there, who belongs in this position and I think you should at least talk to him. If after this you still want him out of your life, than I will be more than happy to fill in"
I nodded and looked down. Maybe he's right, but I still don't feel like giving Leonard a chance. He makes little difference to my life right now and I don't know if he's worth the risk.
"I'll think about that, just not right now. But you know, to me you're always going to fill this space, this position is yours. Even though we don't know each other for a lifetime, I feel like I know you better than him"
"I feel the same way kid… this is all not very manly, that's why it won't happen again" he cleaned his throat uncomfortably and I chuckled "but since it's a onetime thing… maybe we could… you know…"
"Hug?" I teased.
"Yeah… I was going to say shake hands but…" I opened my arms and waited for him.
Joseph Daniel Andrews, aka Gun Smoke has been a better father to me in one year than my own father was my whole life, and that ladies and gentlemen isn't something a boy can overlook. I felt his strong arms wrapping around my upper body as we hugged, and I felt like a little boy again. I've wanted this for so long from my dad, I've waited and waited, now that I have it from someone else, why should I let him in? He may want to know me, he may need to know me, but I don't need him. Not anymore.
Sam's POV
After Leonard left, I was going to talk to Freddie, but Gun Smoke said he needed to have a word with the boy. Since everything that happened these days I feel like I'm being too over protecting of him and that sickens me. I feel like Mrs. Benson now! YUCK! Maybe what he really needed was a manly conversation with the only guy he really looked up to. But since Gun Smoke left to talk to Freddie, Marissa and I've been staring at nothing very awkwardly. We sat silently until she started to chuckle.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"You sounded like me this morning, when I asked you about Freddie" great, she noticed it too? Shit, I'm losing myself here…
"And that sickens me"
"You know Sam, you and I are very different people, but we have something very strong in common. We both love Freddie a lot"
"I guess… still, I'm worried that I'm losing myself, ya know? I don't feel the same"
"Then be yourself again. Since his father left, I didn't have the will to be who was again. I guess that when I got married to him I lost the person that I was and became someone else, and when he left I lost both, who was and who I was at the moment. The only thing left to me was Freddie, so I dedicated my life to him, and kinda forgot about me, who I was. Took me sixteen years to let myself be Marissa again, and I had to work hard to make that happen. Of course Joe is the main reason why I decided to be Marissa instead of Mrs. Benson"
"I never thought a man like him would ever want anything to do with me, but he loves me and I love him back in a way I never loved anyone before. I know how much you love my son, but I don't advice you to live for him, forget about you, who you are and morph into some sort of one-soul with him. I think that what makes you and Freddie so great together is the fact that you two are individuals with different personalities. I hate to admit that you fit perfectly because you two are so imperfect"
Holy mother of Jesus! I can't believe Marissa Benson is telling I'm a perfect match for her little boy! Holy Shirley!
"I-I… don't know what to say right now"
"Yeah, believe me. One of the reasons why I never really wanted Freddie to date Carly is because they're too similar, too good, too nice… my god that would be boring. And I know she's your friend but, man that girl annoys me. So does Patrice you know? I guess I can't complain that he's with you instead of those two" she shrugged.
"Okay… let me grab my jaw from the floor"
"I know this all seems really weird coming from me"
"No shit!" she glared at me "sorry"
"But I guess it's time to accept that my baby has grown. And now that I saw how good he's taken care of, I don't need to be up his ass so much" okay, now I jaw is on the floor for real "maybe I can get a little time for myself now, do the things I always wanted to do and never dared"
"Like what?"
"I don't know… go to a cruise or visit Hawaii" she said nonchalantly.
"Wow… I feel like I'm the twilight zone right now" Marissa laughed.
"Yeah, yeah… it's pretty weird I guess. Just wait here a sec" she got up and practically ran to her bedroom.
Okay, alright, did Marissa Benson just tell me all these things? Did she say Freddie and I were perfect together? Did she say he was well taken care of with me? And more importantly, did she say ASS? Speaking of the devil, she returned a few seconds later holding a black box in her hands.
"I wanted to give you something to prove how much I appreciate you caring for my son that much" she told me to stand up and stopped a few inches away from me "this is for you"
She opened the small box revealing a beautiful and big white gold locket. Holy Shirley…!
"For me…? Marissa…" I touched it "this look expensive"
"Oh don't worry, this was my mother's" she took the locket in her hand and told me to turn around "I didn't buy it"
"Holy crap… and you're giving it to me? Why?"
"Because I'm thankful and because it goes well with you well with your bracelet… and because I don't really like it" she put it on me then turned me around "and it sure looks better on you"
I touched my new piece of jewelry, not believing what just happen. Holy Shirley!
"Oh wow… its heavy" I said lamely.
"I know… here" she opened the locket in three parts, making room for about four pictures (A/N: Sam's locket in my profile) "you should fill it with the pictures of the ones you love"
"Thank you" I smiled at her for a second then closed the locket.
"Don't let go of who you are, even if you are a trouble-maker delinquent"
"I won't" I nodded.
Gun Smoke came into the living room and broke our eye contact. He seemed to be a little happy, of course you couldn't say he was smiling, but he had this certain… blissful look in his eyes. Inconspicuously, of course. He wrapped his arms around Marissa's waist and she leaned against him smiling.
"The boy is waiting for you in there"
"Thanks… I'll go now" I told them "thank you" I muttered to Marissa, who nodded.
Freddie was sitting on his bed playing with his phone, when he saw me he smiled and I remembered why I fell in love with him. Because he was this adorable, kind-hearted nub, who happened to be very attractive. And he fell in love with me because I was the only one in his life that made him go crazy over and over again, and I wanted to be that girl again.
"Hello there Frednubs" I straddled his stretched legs.
"Hello there Sammy" he put his phone on his nightstand and his hands on my waist "hey… where did you get that?"
"Your mother gave it to me" he gaped at me "believe me I was more surprised than you. She wanted to thank me for taking such a good care of you"
"And you certainly do" he pressed his lips against mine, but I didn't respond as eagerly as I usually do "what's the matter?"
"We're too intense… I don't feel like myself anymore Freddie, we're too… heavy"
"I know… I thought so too…" he sighed heavily "I kinda miss you being the blond headed demon you always been"
"I miss that too… I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't like it. Same thing is happening to you, and I miss that little dork I used to pick on. I feel like… we morphed into Seddie…" I whispered like it was something bawdy.
He gasped, faking shock "oh my… I guess you're right, we are too intense…" he grabbed my hands and intertwined our fingers.
"I miss being shallow" I pouted.
"Me too" he mirrored my expression "let's bicker!"
"What?" I laughed.
"Let's banter. I miss fighting with you… come on… uh… blonde headed demon!"
"Okay, you useless dork!" I laughed harder.
"Uh… blondie!" he laughed.
"Nerd!"
"Delinquent!"
"Geek!"
"Maniac!"
"Nub!"
"Crazy!"
"Wuss!"
"Goldie Locks!"
"Shut up nub!"
"No, you shut up, Sam-jerk" we both cracked up.
"Oh, don't talk to me like that Benson!"
"Or what?"
"I'll break your face!"
We argued for two hours about nothing in particular and everything at the same time. However, we did it with a huge grin on our faces; it felt more like revelry than a fight. Man, it feels good to be ourselves again!
Hey guys, I'll be quick. First I wanna thank for all the reviews, and I want to recommend this two fics The Past and the Pending, it's complete, but it's awesome, and the oneshot The Incident, same author. Read the Past and the Pending first, and then the Incident, you'll know why. These two are from the same author TheMaywat, Great fics.
Okay, now I want to make an announcement, "TwinNumber1-Kaily" will be translating my story to Spanish, so people who don't understand in English can read it too!
Now my thank you and a virtual kiss to all of you, especially Seddiexx, who always has my back! Thank you! I hope you guys can enjoy this chapter, and I'm going to try to make things lighter, but there's still problems to solve, however the sequel will be funnier and lighter! Help me get 1000 reviews before this fic is over!
Okay, I'm going to read The Ballad now!