An Exploration in Writer's Block - Part 2
How he did it, Richard Castle would never know. How he managed to look her in the eye, laugh at her jokes, build theories together; How he even managed to function knowing what he knows… knowing what she knows.
Without fail, every evening that week Rick turned on his laptop well after midnight hoping for an update from the-no-longer-mysterious Jo1999. What he would do for another glimpse into the mind of Detective Beckett, into the heart of Kate.
Did she know she had used their names instead of Rook and Heat? Of course she had to. There is no way she would have posted it otherwise, or left it up for a week either. Especially without changing it. But clearly she knew he would read it. But the real question is, why? Why would she write this and post it? Does she want him to approach her about it? To bring it up himself?
Rick didn't notice Kate acting any differently that week. Maybe her eyes lit up a bit more as he walked in, yet faded a little too fast after he just brought over the coffee. Does she want him to read it? Perhaps this was just some sort of a workshop from her therapy, maybe it was something she was writing for her. But again, why post it? Rick's theory is that yes, she did want him to read it. And she wants him to react. But he didn't, at least not yet.
Yet, Kate didn't bring anything up this week. She was just her usual, extraordinary self. Rick doesn't know what to do. Normally he would talk this through with his mother, or vaguely discuss a similar situation with Alexis, but both are spending the weekend at the Hamptons so Rick can work on Nikki Heat. Not that any of it is getting done as Rick sits in the living room, only in boxers, while his laptop, notes, some coffee and Chinese takeout lay scattered around the coffee table. Taking a bite of his Chow Mein, Rick checks his email one more time before beginning to write chapter seven.
And there it is. Rick's heart skips a beat. Author Alert: New chapter from Jo1999. It's chapter 2 of the Richard Castle story.
He scrambles to a better position, pushing the food out of the way and grabbing his laptop to rest on his legs. As the webpage loads, Rick has absolutely no idea what to think. Not only is he going to get a second glimpse into Kate Beckett's eyes, he is going to see what she feels like after kissing him! He doesn't know if he should squeal with childish glee or groan in anticipation as the page takes longer to load than he thought.
As soon as the first words appear on the page, his eyes are glued.
The detective is in heaven. Her lips are against the supplest and softest pair of lips she has ever felt, and her tongue creeps out a small bit to taste him. Salty, from the sweat, yet also something distinctly of chocolate and coffee. Altogether one of the most amazing and erotic tastes she has ever enjoyed.
This kiss is different than their previous one. This kiss has subtext, it has thoughts, feelings. And it is starting to gain a life of its own. She feels two strong hands moving around her waist, grabbing her and pulling her close. The heat from his bare stomach burns into her own, and again Kate is reminded that all that is separating the pair is a few flimsy pieces of workout material.
She lets out a small moan, and can feel Rick growl in pleasure. When her hands begin trailing upwards, tangling themselves in his hair, her mind screams out.
Instantly her eyes widen and she pushes back, a hand quickly running up to cover her mouth, hide its quivering.
"I'm sorry." She says, too afraid to look him in the eye. Too afraid to see that her feelings are being returned. Too afraid to let the walls down. But, even with the fear, a small part of her is begging her eyes to look up. "I should…"
Quickly turning, Kate rushes back into the women's locker room. Just as she is about to break down, just as the tears are begging to flow, the door slams open behind her and the novelist storms in.
"Kate? Kate!" He calls, turning down the first row of lockers to find her sitting on a bench and breathing deeply.
"Go home Castle." She says, her voice monotone in an attempt to hide the emotions. Why did she kiss him? More importantly, why did she stop?
"No, Kate. I won't go home." He says, his voice strong. He moves to sit down next to her. She flinches as he takes her hand so he lets his own fall to his lap. When he speaks again, his voice is much softer. "Kate? Please, talk to me."
"I… I don't think I can." She says, her voice finally cracking. "I'm just so tired."
"So you think the answer is to sexually harass me? Not that I minded." She doesn't react, doesn't chuckle, doesn't glare. He knows something is definitely wrong now. There is no way of knowing how, but the two have a connection. The author can see into the detective better than even she can.
"Kate, when's the last time you slept?"
"I don't know." She replies. "I can't sleep at home. It's too quiet, too lonely. I feel like something or someone can attack me, even when the doors are locked and my gun is under my pillow. I just… I feel safer here. With others."
"And… just now? What happened?"
"I came to work out, maybe get tired enough to collapse, and you were there."
"And…" he pries. Seriously, does he need her to say it out loud? She knows what happened, she knows why she did it, but she just can't get hurt again. Although, she knows she will already be hurt as soon as he leaves her alone in the locker room.
"Kate, can we please talk about this? All we ever do is not talk, and then something big happens but you get shot so we never end up talking about it. I thought we trust each other, could trust each other with our lives. And believe me, I am not leaving this locker room until we talk about this."
Kate holds back her tears, heart breaking and swelling just a little more at each word Castle says. Why is she pushing him away? Why can't she just let him love her and let herself love him? Why can't she just talk to the guy for goodness sake! She doesn't have this much trouble talking to a shrink, why would it be so hard when it's Castle? Maybe she should just go for it.
"We kissed, Rick." Well, that is one admission. Maybe not the three words he wants to hear, but three words that are the truth nevertheless.
"No, Kate. We didn't kiss. You kissed me, and then we kissed."
"There's a difference?" Kate asks, making the mistake of turning her head up to stare into Rick Castle's beautiful blue eyes. It mesmerizes her, but also makes the author acutely aware of how red and bloodshot the detective's eyes are.
"There's always a difference." He says, leaning in slowly so that their lips touch ever so slightly. Kate closes her eyes, mouth moving in time with Rick's. Yet, all too soon, he pulls back. "Now that was me kissing you."
Kate's mind is scattered, mixed in a haze of sleep-deprivation and emotions. She doesn't know whether to kiss Castle again or punch him, but his intoxicating smell mixed with his taste still resonating on her lips causes something to spark, to change. She pulls her head down to look at her hands, the digits fiddling with the tie up on her shorts.
"I heard you." She says, a small mumble. The words are quiet, regardless of how many times she has practiced on her own, in front of the mirror, with the shrink. It's like the words are trying to escape, her mind is screaming them out, but her voice won't let them be released in more than a whisper. "I remember. Everything."
… To be Continued
Wait, she cannot stop it there! She can't stop it there! Rick keeps scrolling, hoping to find more words or another chapter. Anything to help him find out what transpires next, what Kate believes would or should happen.
Giving up, Rick scrolls to the top of the page and rereads the chapter. He grabs his pad of paper and a pen and begins making notes, joining to the ones he has from the first section of Kate's writing. He highlights a few, making sure he remembers them.
Kate sleeps at the precinct, can't sleep at home. Kate wants someone to talk about it with other than her shrink. Kate wants to kiss me and enjoys kissing me. She wants to be with me but doesn't know how. Kate remembers. Everything.
He looks down at the small list, again completely unsure of what he should do next. Clearly Kate posted this next chapter because he didn't act on the first one. But clearly there is something more coming, probably if he doesn't act again.
So now it's time for the choice. Act now, as Kate clearly wants, and find her most likely at the precinct at this late hour? Or wait for Kate to finish writing out her feelings before taking action.
Rick leans back and sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. What does Kate want? Everything is about Kate now, it no longer matters about her mother's murder or the other cases at the precinct or the new Captain. It all depends on Kate's feelings, and Rick has, even with the story, absolutely no idea what her feelings are. Maybe a slight idea, but nothing to really go by.
On the swing set that day, she clearly said to his face that she cannot have a relationship until they solve her mother's murder. But that was weeks ago. And now, she is saying through this story that her body and heart are ready, they just have to convince her mind. But again, how does her mother's case fit in to this? Is she truly ready to be with him if her mother's case isn't complete? Is this story reaching out for a relationship, or just for some sort of comfort and reassurance that she is alive and is allowed to feel?
One more week, Rick decides. He will wait one more week and see if Kate is able to sort out her feelings. Then, regardless of if she can or not, he will confront her. Because clearly Kate is begging for Rick to reach out to her, she is clearly saying she cannot do it on her own.
He closes the page on his laptop, opening up the blank document to once again work on his writing. Rick knows the next week is going to be hell, not only for him but for Kate as well. How can he continue letting her sleep at the precinct, letting her be so sleep-deprived and drained, letting her go home to her empty apartment when he has a wonderful homey loft waiting to be filled?
Once again, Richard Castle pours himself into his writing, using it as a distraction from the week ahead.
I didn't add a disclaimer before, so just saying that I don't own the characters, the precinct, Castle, Nikki Heat, or anything else to do with the show. I am just a writer who had an idea I wanted to share.
And please let me know what you think of this story. Chapter 3 is written, and the last part, chapter 4, is started. I just wanted to have 2 and 3 finished before I posted either of them. I could say "I want X number of reviews to post chapter 3" But really I think I'll just give you all a week to check this out and read it and then post the next one. I'm not greedy or anything, but I do love reviews.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I cannot explain how getting a story favourited when it is one chapter long, not to mention my first ever Castle story, feels to me. Writing is an outlet I never really felt like I had to share but you guys make me so much more confident in my writing and so much more excited to write it and put it out there. So thank you for everything!
Happy reading! Until next time,
BrittJK