Without further ado (Disclaimer: I still don't own this)
An Exploration in Writer's Block - Part 3
Another week; another seven agonizing days of staring at Kate Beckett and trying his hardest not to do anything. It was horrible, probably one of the worst weeks Rick has ever had to live. Because, not only does he know Kate heard him the day she was shot, but he knows that she wants to start something. Or at least he thinks she does.
The week was awful though. Rick was noticing things he hadn't seen before. Yes, Kate carries herself well and puts up a great act, but some things definitely became much more apparent to Rick. First off, Kate is definitely thinner than she was before. Clothes that used to fit snugly are now oversized, she seems to have a belt on with all of her pants, and she never wears short sleeves anymore. And she only rotated between the same two pants and four shirts, just in different combinations. As if she only wore what was at the precinct, as if she didn't go home all week. Second, which really does relate to the first in a way, she isn't eating. If Rick didn't bring Kate her coffee and bear claw in the morning, go out to pick up lunch around noon and order take-out for dinner, he doesn't think she would eat at all. When Rick had to come in around three on Wednesday due to a publisher's meeting, Kate had a candy bar wrapper and three empty coffee cups on her desk, but no remnants of lunch anywhere. And third, the bags under her eyes are getting bigger each day and she seems to be even more unable to focus on paperwork than normal.
There were many moments - many moments - when Rick was tempted to pull Kate aside and do one of three things: kiss her, take her home to his loft to cuddle and sleep, or yell at her for being so unkind to her own body. Mostly he wanted to kiss her until she couldn't breathe. And then, if and when she kisses him back, he will confess his love all over again and not care that Kate didn't say anything. Not care that weeks and months have been wasted that they could have been together. Not care that her mother's case is still open, or that he has a daughter, or that she really isn't stable enough to be in a relationship right now. But every time Rick was tempted, he pulled back. Went to the washroom, talked to the boys for a minute, or distracted himself on his iPhone.
He sits on his laptop in the living room of the loft, supposed to be writing but just refreshing the page with Kate's story on it. Last time she updated around ten-thirty at night. It's already eleven. Rick is glad no one is home again – Alexis at a sleepover, Martha busy with some sort of theater gala. They would laugh at him for pining over Kate still, tell him to just talk to her, to stop waiting for Kate to describe her feelings to him and just be a man. Either that or let him break down and cry and stuff his face with ice cream. Neither seem like good ideas for fun family nights.
The minutes tick by with the page still empty and his email not showing an update. Rick gets fed up and finally starts writing his Nikki Heat chapter. She is currently locked in a small storage unit, pushed in by the suspected killer only to find Rook already locked up, hands tied together and mouth gagged. The chapter begins to enthrall Rick, sucking him deeper and deeper until the two finally get out of their sticky mess. By the time Rick pulls himself back to reality, it is nearing one AM. He looks at the clock and sighs, running a hand down the front of his face. About to close his computer down and head to bed, Rick notices a new email message.
As soon as he opens it, Rick knows he won't be sleeping for a while. He reaches down to the coffee table, searching around under his Nikki Heat notes to find the small bounded book he is using to keep track of Kate's story. He rips it open, reads through his points again, then turns all of his attention to the story on his laptop.
Kate closes her eyes, waiting for a reply. Waiting for a word to come out of the writer's mouth, but nothing does. She waits for a kiss, but again, nothing happens. She counts to ten in her head, hoping something will happen. Has time stopped? Is this all a dream? Why isn't Castle reacting?
Her eyes open and her head slowly rises. Oh, that's why he hasn't reacted.
Castle's eyes are clamped shut, his fists braced up against the side of his body. His face is deep red and he is taking slow, steadying breaths through his nose. With every inhale, his entire upper body seems to rise, drawing Kate's attention momentarily to the strong, muscular, and still very much exposed upper chest. She allows her eyes to linger for a moment, then flicker back to Rick's face. His eyes are opened now, the normally bright sky blues the colour of the ocean during a thunderstorm. He clenches and unclenches his jaw once and just continues staring.
"Are you going to say something?" Kate asks. Oh no. No no no. This is bad. He can't be angry, can he? Like he was angry after she didn't call him all summer? But, they talked about this. They were okay. They were okay, weren't they?
"Am I going to…" Rick lets the sentence fall off of his tongue. He stands up and walks to the nearest locker slamming his fist into the hard metal. He turns around, barely caring about the red bumps beginning to show on his hand, and storms right up to Kate's small figure still curled up on the bench.
"I don't know what you are trying to do to me, Kate, but I really cannot take it anymore. You have strung me along for far too long, making promises that will never be kept and giving me too much false hope. And now, when I think you're in trouble and you need some comfort, you decide it's the right moment to tell me that you have been lying to me all this time?"
He is pacing now, his voice very loud. Kate worries that some of the night staff might hear.
"I can't do this. I can't be here and hope and…" He sighs, running a hand through his messy hair. "Kate, your mom's case is never going to be solved. Either, you're going to get killed before you solve it or die of old age with the case still open. And yet you keep holding on to it like a crutch!" He stops pacing, and turns to face directly at Kate. "So, now what are you saying? That you heard me and what? You want to try dating? Or kissing me in police exercise rooms? That you can go against everything you said on the swings?"
Kate has lowered her head, listening intently but unable to find the motivation to keep herself upright. Rick moves to sit crouched down in front of Kate so that he can still look into her eyes, and places his hands on her knees.
"Kate, listen to me. I really can't do this anymore. Your mother's case isn't going anywhere, and for the longest time I could say the same thing about myself. But I don't think I can do this anymore. Please, just tell me what you want and I'll do it. But if you can't, or if it's too hard, I have to leave. I can't keep putting myself out there, spending time with you, letting myself fall deeper in love with you, for it to never go anywhere. So, please, please, Kate. Tell me you love me too."
Rick stares, his eyes never wavering. The anger seems to have passed and been replaced with something else – sadness? Perhaps a small glimmer of hope? Definitely a lot of defeat.
Kate opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She wills the words, pushes, compels something to come out, but all that is released is a small squeak. Realized her moment of action is passing, Kate instead wills her lips forward, to capture Rick's in hers and let her actions speak for themselves. But again, nothing. What is holding her back? What is so different now than ten minutes ago outside the locker room? And why does Kate suddenly feel like she is losing her mother all over again, only her mother is much handsomer and tastes like coffee?
She can see the moment leaving, see Rick's eyes falling and all hope leaving him. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, leaning in to place one small lingering kiss on Kate's lips. He pulls back after Kate has yet to move, her entire body stiff and still and terrified both of making this moment something special and of losing it forever.
"Goodbye, Kate." He says, standing up and moving to the door of the locker room. "Please don't forget how extraordinary you are." And with that, he is gone.
His smell lingers, and Kate can still feel his warm hands on her knees and his breath on her cheek. She closes her eyes, wishing to go back in time to before she walked in to the exercise room, or to before she kissed him, or to before she confessed, or to before Rick left. Other than when her mother died, this is the one moment Kate wishes she had a do-over. Why didn't she just say something?
A different version of the conversation flits through her mind, a version where she is stronger, where she says everything in her heart and soul, gives it all to the man in front of her. It goes somewhat different, and invokes a longing for comfort Kate never thought she had.
"Rick, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I want to be with you, I do…"
"But?"
"…But you have a kid. And a family. And I don't know where I fit with that."
"Detective, you've always fit." She smiles up at the novelist through her hair, biting her bottom lip.
"I think I'm ready. But will you be able to catch me if I fall?"
"Always."
Her legs move up on their own, her arms wrapping around herself and twisting up into a ball. Suddenly the precinct feels even colder than her bedroom. She lets a tear fall silently; the only sound in the room her unsteady breaths. Finally something clicks in her mind, and her vocal cords are reengaged.
"I love you too."
Too bad no one is there to hear it.
He stops reading, staring at the page. Suddenly, it all makes sense. The way Kate is acting, the reasons why she wrote this. She does want him to read it. She does want him to listen and to get all of the hidden subtext. She wants him to read this, to see the way she thinks he will react, and to prove her wrong. To make her see that, no matter what happens, the only thing important is them. Or at least that is what Rick thinks Kate means.
He rereads the chapter three more times, trying to find everything Kate doesn't want and everything she does, all the hidden meanings, the emotions behind each word. He does find the way he acts in the story a little ridiculous, but after the way he snapped at her after the book signing, he understands why Kate feels this might be how their conversation would go.
Though Rick still isn't sure if Kate is ready for a relationship, he at least knows now what he needs to do. There is no to be continued this time, nothing more Kate needs to share.
Rick looks at his watch again. It's just nearing two AM. Kate can't still be at the precinct… tomorrow is her day off. Clearly she'll be at home, right? She has to be at home.
He grabs his cell phone, hitting speed dial three. The phone rings six times until Kate's answering machine picks up, the generic "I'm not home, leave a message" playing in his ears. The message is from months ago, recorded when Kate first got her new apartment. Rick can tell, just from this one glimpse of a past Kate, that something is definitely wrong with her now. She is hollow, not all there. Rick's mind reels, and suddenly he remembers the answering machine is still recording yet he isn't saying anything. He quickly clicks the end call button and stands up, almost knocking over his laptop in the process.
Rick knows what he has to do now, and knows where he can find Kate. She is not spending one more night at the precinct, restless on those cold and lumpy couches.
Grabbing his keys, Rick holds back a yawn and dashes out the front door, heading out to find a Taxi and finally end this once and for all. Or maybe begin something new altogether.
Again, I ask you to review to let me know what you think. The response to this story is overwhelming for a first time Castle writer like myself, and I love every one of you who reads, reviews, alerts, favourites, etc. Seriously, you all make this worth while and make me want to write instead of study, which probably isn't the best option but is the more fun option.
Next chapter is the last one. I think you can guess what might happen, but we will see. Its about half-written at the moment, but it is midterm season so I am making no promises on when it will come out.
I had some interesting suggestions on Castle's response - making a review, writing a story in response. Well, seeing how Kate's story ended, I don't know if Castle wants to review. But he is leaving the loft for the night, and I wonder what he will find? You'll just have to wait and see!
Love you all, hope you enjoyed so far,
BrittJK