Story: Why Don't You & I

Author: theherbflower

Authors Notes: Hello All! Hope this past valentines was a happy one, if not in the way we all want. I spent mine crawling around under the house to fix a hose that runs to the fridge. :) Lupercalia was celebrated the happy heather way, of special greenery. (: onward unto chapter seven, hesitate. inspired by the song hesitate by stonesour.

:) cheerio, thf (:

Chapter Seven: Hesitate

Disclaimer: I hereby state that I own nothing! I don't own anything to do with the hp realm or the song the story is based off of. Cheerio!

Playlist: Dust on the bottle ~ David Lee Murphy. Hesitate~ Stonesour

The bubbles from the champagne glass bubbled merrily, floating on they're way up to the top where they burst into foam. I sighed heavily and poured the bubbly liquid strait down my throat. The liquid burned as it went down making me realize that it wasn't champagne that I was drinking, but doctored cider. I reached out for the bottle of hard cider and poured another glass and downed it quickly like the first. A similar pattern continued up until I reached out to refill my glass only to realize that there was none left. I sighed and threw the bottle at the wall and with a crack and shatter it fell to pieces that scattered the floor. Stupid. I thought throwing the glass at the wall to where it repeated the bottle and fell down dejectedly onto the broken pieces of the previous object. Stupid. Again I stammered in my mind. How could I have such a fool to even for a second believe that I was more than I was, that I wasn't a monster. How could I let myself believe for just that second that someone loved me? I made my mistake, and now I was paying for it. I was a fool, such a fool. Today had to have been the worst day of my life. I lost a brother to Voldemort, lost my job at a local muggle bookstore, and my date told me where to stuff it. Not to mention that we're in a war that has no end, people I care about are being avada kedavra'd right and left, and I was still a werewolf.

I don't know what could possibly make my life any worse. The clock on the wall in front of me ticked its 22nd our of the day when the door to the kitchen flew open and Padfoot stalked in with a pale face and haggard eyes. Even if today sucked on fucking ice, I still had my friends James and Sirius, I still had two of my brothers. I sighed and laid my head down in my arms and grumbled as Padfoot sat down in front of me and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He stuck one in his mouth and tossed the pack to me before pulling out a silver lighter adorned with a rabbit on it and lit up. He took a long drag and held it in before sighing and letting the tendrils of smoke escape is mouth. I copied him and pulled out a cigarette and lit up, the taste was woodsy, but the second I let the smoke leave my lungs I felt that top edge of crap from the day lift off of me and float away with the smoke.

"I know how you feel Remus." Padfoot sighed taking another drag. "I feel betrayed too."

"Its more than that." I mumbled sadly. "I lost my job today."

"Why?" he asked pulling out a flask. "What happened."

"The manager told me that I was unreliable and that people who actually showed up for work once in a while might like my position. Gave me my next week's check and that was that."

"What a douche." He stated shaking his head. "Don't worry Moony, you'll find another one. You didn't need that one anyways."

"No. But I wanted it." I sighed taking another drag from the cigarette. "Since when do you smoke?"

"Since I stole them from Gwen. Who's probably going to kill me when she wakes up. Heard anything about Peter?"

"Dumbledore told me he's in Azkaban. Shaklebolt told me that they sent him off without a trial after they brought him in today. Prongs know yet?"

"No." Padfoot looked down at the table guiltily. "I didn't get the time to tell him, and I don't fancy his reaction."

"We have to tell him though, its better it come from our lips than someone else's."

"True." he sighed. "Him and Lily are up in one of the guest rooms tonight, Lily didn't want to leave Gwen."

"Understandable. She doing any better?" I asked taking another drag and flicking the ashes in the conjured ash tray. "And why pray tell is she going to kill you? Besides the kissing her part."

"Well yeah." he started with a darkening red face. "She wouldn't take the stupid sleeping draught after Dorcas closed up the wound. So I kind of did the only thing I could think off to get her to sleep."

"So you kissed her?" I prompted.

"I think its funny. Padfoot kissed her." Came the voice of my other brother James as he walked into the kitchen in his boxers. "Caught her off guard at the right point of time and then dumped the potion down her throat. And I agree, she's gonna kill him when she wakes up." he smirked. "What are you lads doing down here?" he asked observing us. "Smoking? Since when do you two smoke?" he asked plopping down in the chair next to me. "Why the long faces?" Prongs grinned before looking over at Padfoot and smirking evilly. "Worried about your dear sweet love?"

"She's not my love!" Padfoot snapped stubbing his now burnt out cigarette in the ash tray. "It was just me trying to distract her."

"Yeah." Prongs smirked. "That's why you both snogged for a few minutes until you tilted her head back and fed her the potion. Just how long are you going to sail that ship down denial eh?"

"As long as it takes." Padfoot countered with a glower and snarl. "Besides, she practically hates me."

"She does not." came another voice from the door way. All three of us turned to look as Alastor Mad-Eye Moody limped into the room on his bumbed left leg. He gave us what appeared to be a smile before sitting down next to Sirius and pulling out his own flask. "She's just afraid. And I cant say that I blame her considering."

"Considering what?" Padfoot asked with a curious glance. "Has something happened I don't know?"

"Many things have happened to her she probably hasn't told you about Black. Her father was a bastard, kept her locked up in a cellar most of the time while he drugged his wife and kept her locked up in her room." Moody growled taking a drink from his flask. "I remember when I used to come and visit Gwen would always look so small and underfed. One time she begged me to take her away from that awful place. And I had to tell her no." he sighed stuffing his flask in his robe pocket. "She's terrified she'll make the same mistakes as her mother, I don't think she could live with herself if she did. I've tried to tell her that you're different, that you don't make me want to beat the living daylights out of you like her father did when I first met him. But she'll get over her problems in her own time, just keep on it, it will pay off."

"Your sure?" Padfoot asked softly. "She really thinks I'm like her father?"

"No, she's afraid that you will be. I don't know much, but I'm fairly positive she seen her father beat her mother on more than one occasion. She has nightmares from her childhood, Evans-Potter tells me she's never dated, much less snogged a bloke. Now as Uncle that is border lining knowing too much, but it helps me calm her down and understand her."

"Its true." Padfoot added pulling another cigarette out and lighting it up. "She told me that herself. Apparently Lily has a list of 25 things she's supposed to have done before age 25 or something, Gwen admitted to me that she's never kissed anyone, that she never wanted to."

"Sounds like her." Prongs sighed taking a drink from a glass of fire whiskey he'd poured himself. "Lily told me that she thinks Gwen is scared, of what she never said, but considering, I guess we know."

"Once she told me that she would rather be a lonely old cat lady than to ever want more than a friendship with a man." I spoke softly lighting up my second cigarette. "I think there is more than we know to her story, and I think its highly unlikely that she'll ever tell us."

"I know." Padfoot sighed. "When we were locked up in the dungeons of the Ackles Estate, she knew right where we were. Told me to find a specific brick on the wall and pull it out. There was an old stuffed rabbit she called Mr. Whiskers, a book of matches, a candle, and a key. Told me that her father would lock her down there. If I weren't already worried about her dying in my arms I would have gone, found the sick bastard, and ripped him a new arsehole."

"How sick." Prongs sighed swishing the liquid in his glass around. "Who does that to they're kid?"

"Sicko's like Rolf J. Ackles. I hated him from the moment he walked into my parents house." Moody seethed with a growl. "Made the hair on the back of my neck stand strait up. But my sister, Grendel, she loved him. And because she loved him, I accepted him."

"Poor Gwen." Prongs sighed into his drink. "Can you imagine living with a crazy like that? I can scarcely even imagine what that bastard was like."

"Worse than you can imagine." Moody growled. "Just have patience Black, she'll come round."

"Maybe." Padfoot sighed taking a long drag from his second cigarette. "I just wish things were different. That she didn't have the need to fear love, just because of that bastard." He spat. "I want to change her opinion, make her better. But she has to let me first."

"Is this Sirius Orion Black, admitting that he is in fact in love with one, Gwendolyn Rose Ackles? I never thought the day would come." Prongs chirped. "Too bad Wormtail isn't here to witness this momentous occasion."

"He doesn't know?" Moody growled at Padfoot. "You didn't tell him?"

"To be honest, I didn't have the time too." Padfoot sighed. "After we got to the office at the Ministry everything got hectic."

"What don't I know?" Prongs demanded angrily. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Its about Wormtail." I sighed to the poor sod. "He's in Azkaban."

"What? Why? We have to go and get him out right now!" he stammered. "How could you think it wasn't important to tell me that one of my brethren is in prison? Why?" he demanded of me. "Tell me right now! Why?"

I looked up at Padfoot who was sighing with a sad look on his face.

"He's a death eater prongs. He's betrayed us all." I sighed at my friend. "We only found out this morning."

"That is some really sick joke right Remus? There is no way he would ever be a death eater, he's in the order." Prongs spat. "Why would he betray us all? Hmmn?"

"I don't know." I sighed. "But if I didn't see it with my own two eyes I wouldn't have believed it James. He really has betrayed us, he really was in league with Voldemort."

"But why?" Prongs sighed with tear drops welling up in his eyes. "Why would he do that to us? He was our brother."

"I know Prongs." I told him softly before swinging my arm up around his shoulder. "I am at a loss over it too."

"How did you guys find out?"

"Gwen seen him when we were fleeing out of the Ackles Estate. She told me she thought she was going mad, but then the next morning we caught him up in her room with his wand drawn two seconds away from killing her." Padfoot sighed. "Stupid bastard, was being shifty for the last few months. Family events? More like hunting down muggles and muggle borns for his master." He spat. "I don't know how we didn't see it before hand, how we let ourselves be duped into believing his half cocked stories."

"How can you say that Padfoot?" Prongs demanded. "How could you even give two seconds of thought in not believing that he is under the imperious or being black mailed."

"Because I heard what he said up there this morning to Gwen. Look Prongs," he paused "I understand you're upset with this, me and Moony are too. But it does little to try and convince yourself he's being blackmailed or threatened or imperius'ed. Because he's not Prongs. He's on his own will and accord, joined You know who. Its better you just accepted it mate, he's left us."

"But why?" he demanded now openly crying. "Why would he do this?"

"Because." Moody interjected giving Prongs the eye. "Because he's chosen his path, because you didn't mean as much as you thought to him, because you didn't mean to him what he meant to you. Because we're in this stupid war where people are dying right and left, where families are torn between what's right and what's easy Potter. Whether any of us want to believe that the spy was someone we loved is just too bad. Actions speak for themselves Potter. He's made his choices, and his actions will either mirror them or not. Obviously he wanted this path. Voldemort probably promised him riches and everything he's always wanted but couldn't have. That's how he wins, with empty promises. Pettigrew will have to bear the consequences of his choices, as must we all."

"Its not fair! We trusted him!" Prongs spat angrily. "How can he of just turned his back on us?"

"He's a fucking rat." Padfoot shouted. "Because he always had to be with the big, the mighty, and the strong. That way he can feel protected."

"I don't understand." Prongs shook his head sadly. "How he could just ditch us like that. I don't understand, how we could have befriended him."

"Because." Came a softer voice from the dark hall to the right. "You loved him." Lily sighed moving slowly into the room. "We all loved him. And sometimes love clouds our judgment. We don't see clearly, we see with our hearts. And sometimes that's not always a good thing, because evil prays upon it."

"Its not fair." he hung his head low, "How could he just abandon us."

"Because Padfoot was right, he's a rat. And that's what rats do love, they betray the ones the love to save themselves." I sighed. "Its too late for him Prongs, we just have to hold onto each other."

...

"Sirius." I demanded sitting up. "Wake up."

The dark haired man sleeping in the chair next to my bed started at the sound of my voice. His eyes opened sleepily and he blinked a few times in the dying firelight before grinning at me. Stupid bastard. I sighed. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to start having feelings for him? It couldn't have been anyone else? I glowered at him before sighing.

"Get up here. You cant sleep in a fucking wooden chair, how will you get through work tomorrow?" I demanded pulling back the covers next to me. "Come on. Don't stand there looking at me as if I'm growing an extra head, get in the fucking bed already. I'm cold."

"Nice excuse." he smirked before walking around the bed and sitting down on the opposite side. "Got anymore?" he chuckled tugging his boots off and flinging them across the room. "I was sure you'd kill me when you woke up."

"Well lucky for you at the moment I'm too tired, too achy, and too goddamned cold to give a shit right now. But expect it in the morning." I told him before snuggling down into the covers and pillows.

"Sure will." he sighed before lying down in the bed next to me. "You surprise me sometimes." he spoke to me softly. I opened up my eyes to look at him, he had a smirk on his face. "Still cold?"

"What does it look like?" I asked him with a shiver. "Goon."

"I'm a goon eh? Well then I guess you wouldn't want me to cuddle with you to warm your sore sad cold arse up eh?"

"Shut up Sirius." I snuggled closer to him. "I need sleep."

"Oooh! I get to cuddle with Ackles. What a feat." he smirked harder, his pale blue eyes dancing with mirth in the dying light. "I'm going to brag all the next week." he said scooting closer and wrapping his arms around me. I felt an electric like current shoot through me, every spot on my body tingled at every fragment of skin he touched. Everything seemed to be heating up at contact, like my skin was about to combust and explode.

"Do and die." I growled.

"Don't worry love, I wont brag about it. Just wanted to see you all riled up." he laughed happily. "Prongs is all torn up about Peter. Cried earlier."

I felt my eyes prickle at this news. Out of all four of the marauders, James Potter was the sensitive one. Judging by his outward appearances, you'd not believe it. But he was, he was never afraid to cry, or show his emotions. Back in Hogwarts, after he deflated his head a bit, his charming and sensitive side is what won Lily over. It was when we figured out where Remus disappeared once a month for, we naturally ambushed the three remaining boys and bullied it out of them. Lily swore that no matter what happens to Remus once a month, he was still Remus and that that wouldn't change for her. James sobbingly confessed that he hated the fact that Remus lost himself once a month, and him and the other two came up with the plan to become animagi to keep him company. Lily thought that to go to that length for Remus, going against laws and rules to show Remus that they cared, was the most heartwarming thing to her. Then shortly after that Jilly came to be.

Remus was, despite what everyone wanted to believe, the playboy. That boy has had more dates and girlfriends than all of the marauders combined. There was for a brief moment in our fifth year of study that he took an interest in me. But I told him it wasn't gonna happen, and we remained friends. To me Remus was the brother that I'd never had, and I was thankful for him. I could go to him for anything, and he always helped me. Peter was always caring. Well it always seemed so. I used to think that he was too soft, that he needed to harden up a little bit. But I guess in the end he did. Sirius was an enigma. A frustrating enigma. Sure he dated plenty, but he was always quiet to people he didn't know. He was charming, and handsome. And annoying as all living fucking hell to me, drove me up a wall and then some most days. But I couldn't deny the truth, which was that I was developing feelings for him. And that terrified me on levels that I cannot even myself, fathom.

"Poor James." I sighed. "He always was close to him. Must be hard for him to grasp and wrap his mind around."

"Yeah." he sighed. "I hate seeing James cry, if I could I'd rip that bastards throat out and stuff it up his rat faced arse. Making James cry over him, s'not fair."

"I know." I mumbled scooting closer to him. "I cant imagine how he's feeling."

"I can, and its not good. James always stood up for him, included him always. Even when Remus and I wanted to ditch the little whelp when we first met on the Hogwarts express in our first year. He insisted that we include him, and that he become one of our group. It just doesn't seem right that he would just turn his backs on all of us just like that. I wish I could kill him."

"No you don't." I snapped sitting up and leaving over him. "How can you even think that? You think that just because he lied and cheated us that you can even think thoughts like that? That you could kill him? Snap out of it, you don't want to kill anyone! That's not something you should ever wish Sirius, because once you've taken a life, you loose something that you cant ever get back."

He just stared at me with a shocked expression on his face. Then somehow his left hand found its way up to the back of my neck and we were kissing. I felt my brain explode and go numb while at the same time I seen fireworks in the back of my eyelids dancing with colors and flame bursts. I couldn't control myself, it was as if my body took on a life of its own and just let everything fall deeper. Time was moving slowly, too slowly and before I even knew what happened I was under him and we were snogging. He was dropping kisses down my neckline and my head was falling into the pillow behind me. It was amazing, and wonderful. It was the world exploding and my heart imploding and just, everything. Then our lips were together again and dancing in they're own tandem and then there was a tongue sliding on the edge of my lips seeking entry to my mouth and as his hand dropped to my hip a moan escaped me and our tongues were dancing in the same rhythmic pattern that our lips were. If I died right now, than I would be in heaven. It was sublime this feeling that was wracking through me. My arms were wrapped around his neck and my hands somewhere lost in his hair. Feelings that were foreign to me were making they're way though me like fiery snakes, slithering and leaving they're venom in they're wake. Then he pulled back and stared me in the eyes with the most beautiful look on his face and I stared up at him with my jaw hanging open in shock.

"Holy fucking shit." he breathed. "Did you feel that?"

"Yeah." I nodded my head slowly. "I did."

"I'm not going to lie to you Gwen, there is something between us for me. Obviously." he grinned. "Its like something I've never known."

"I'm going to hope that's a good thing." I spoke softly. "And agree with you on my part, scares the shit out of me."

He smirked and started to chuckle before letting his weight give way and falling on me in a soothing manner. His head was on my breastplate and his eyes were staring strait into mine with a cheerful glint to them.

"It shouldn't. Love isn't supposed to scare you. Its supposed to make you feel better, to be a wonderful thing Gwen. You shouldn't let it terrify you."

"I know." I sighed letting my head fall back and closing my eyes. "Its like I'm on a bridge and everything is covered in cloud and fog. I'm not sure there is another side to the bridge and I don't want to walk in case I fall. Its something I've never done before, ever known before. I don't want to fall and get hurt. I'm worried that if I take that step all I will find is a long trip to the ground."

"Who says there isn't more bridge on the other side?" he replied softly. "Who says there isn't someone right on the other side of that cloud and fog waiting for you."

I opened my eyes back up and looked at him. A warm smile made its way to my face and I chuckled.

"Touché."

…scene…end…

Authors Note: hahahahaha! Chapter seven was awesome! Or at least. I think so. Cheerio peeps and be wating in great anticipation for! Chapter eight in some weeks time.