Shockingly people seemed to like this idea, so it looks like I'll be doing more of my poster :P
Disclaimer: I think it's blatantly obvious that I don't own FF:XIII, if I did then it would probably end up like this fic XD
Just To Say: Ja I know, I am mean to the characters and take the rip and such but that is for entertainment. If I really didn't like the game, then why would I bother playing it three times and writing a fic for it? Exactly.
x~x~x~x~x
11.) Cry when you're drunk
Jihl, Cid and Yaag all decided to give drinking together another shot. This time they had come to the understanding that they were not to mention anything to do with l'Cie, Sanctum or Pulse.
As their previous drinking session had ended prematurely, Nabaat and Raines were unaware of Rosch's low alcohol tolerance. They soon became aware of it though, as he downed his third pint of beer and the decided to move onto shots. Within the space of five minutes, the poor guy was totally smashed and on some drunken rant.
"It's not fair you know~" he slurred, "I'm here doing my damn best to protect the state, and yet I'm viewed as the bad guy! Do you have any idea how hard it is to be me~? I try and try, but I'm always second best to~" he lazily pulled his arm up to point as his superior (Jihl), "YOU~ I know your game, you're pretty so you think you've got it all huh? HUH? Well I got news for you, I have something you don't!"
The other two were doing their best to ignore the drunk Lieutenant Colonel, but when he leaned over and attempted to grab Nabaat's glasses, ignoring him became more difficult.
"I have great eyesight~!" He half screamed half slurred. "Without your glasses, you're nothing~" And with that, he collapsed to the floor in a heap, crying abut everything and nothing.
12.) Cry because your drunk friend is crying
The woman sighed, looking down at her right hand man. "This is the last time we go out drinking with him, right Raines?" She looked to her left where said man had been, but he wasn't there. Looking slightly confused, Jihl looked back to the floor where Rosch was, and was surprised to see Cid cradling him in his arms.
"I know exactly what you mean! It's just so hard to be us!" The Cavalry leader had tears sliding down his cheeks as he stroked Yaag's hair affectionately. "Trust me, I know how you feel. This hurt... it's destroying me!"
"Cid~" slurred the Lieutenant Colonel quietly, "I had no idea you felt the same~"
"Don't worry Rosch, we can make it through this together!" Cid was crying buckets at this point, same as Yaag.
"I think I have just found my soul mate~" the drunk man managed to choke out through all the tears.
"Oh, Yaag!"
The two crying men embraced each other from their spot on the floor, while Jihl looked on at the ongoing scene with utter confusion. "Just what the Hell is going on? These men are pathetic, as if that tiny amount of alcohol could finish them off!"
With that, she left her drinking companions to go see if there was anyone who had a high alcohol tolerance to match hers.
13.) Won't try anything new
"Well done Snow!" Hope smiled at the NORA leader, "You just learned Mediguard!"
Snow smiled proudly, "Well a Hero like me has to keep his abilities up to date right?" Secretly he was thinking, What on earth is Mediguard?
"Snow, Hope!" It was Lightning calling them, "Get over here! We're all going to train against some Pulse creatures so we'll be strong enough to face Orphan."
The afternoon was progressing steadily, with the group splitting into two teams of three so that they had more of an opportunity to attack and practice abilities. Snow was trio-ed with Hope and Fang.
After about two and a half hours, it became blatantly obvious that the self proclaimed hero only had one strategy.
"STEELGUARD!" He yelled for the thousandth time that day.
"Snow!" Fang shouted, "Quit using Steelguard and make yourself useful dammit!" She neatly finished off one of the Gorgonopsid they were up against as she said, "We don't even need a Sentinel for these guys!"
Hope said something much to the same effect as he cast Blizzaga, finishing off another two. Fang quickly eliminated the remaining one, and then she and Hope turned to face Snow.
"Why don't you ever try anything new?" Yelled the woman, "You're a good Commando as well you know!"
"And you don't completely suck as a Ravager either," added the silver haired boy.
"But... I'm so good as a Sentinel," was Snow's argument.
"Even so, all you do is use Steelguard, why don't you use another ability?"
"Because Steelguard is the best!" The blonde was grinning as he said, "There is no creature on the whole of Pulse that can penetrate such a perfect shield!"
The two other members looked at each other before saying, "Okay then, you stick with the old. In fact, why don't you show us how effective only using one move is up against... that thing?" Fang pointed to an Adamantoise, a creature which all members had avoided until now.
"Alright, bring it on!" Snow didn't even stop to think about it, charging in wildly while the other two looked on in disbelief.
"He's going to die!" Hope yelled, very worried.
"Nah," Fang said in reassurance, "He'll come pretty damn close though." She couldn't help but chuckle a little.
"Alright big guy, let's dance!" Snow yelled at the giant tortoise. "STEELGUARD!"
The Adamantoise lifted one of its legs and stamped onto the ground.
Snow passed out.
When he finally came to a few hours later, he was at the base camp in Vallis Media.
"What... happened?" He whispered, because it hurt to move and talk.
"You stuck to the same lame method and got your ass kicked," snickered Fang. Hope nodded behind her.
"What the Hell? Even if I had changed strategies that thing would have taken me out anyways!"
Hope and Fang looked at each other.
"He... actually has a point," said the boy.
"Well... that kinda defeats the point of this rule then, huh?" Was all the raven haired warrior replied.
"I guess..."
14.) Are a sexaphobe
"Yuj? Wh-what are you doing?" A slender blonde boy was looking at his companion with slight fear in his eyes. Currently, said companion was hugging him tightly.
"Maqui," he whispered against the blonde's ear, "I want you. I've wanted you for a long time now..."
Maqui's eyes widened. "Pull yourself together Yuj! Don't succumb to all those fan-girls who paired us together for no reason whatsoever! THERE'S NOTHING TO SUGGEST THAT WE HAVE THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP!"
"On the contrary," the blue haired guy whispered, holding onto Maqui more tightly as said boy was currently trying to escape. "We are the two best looking guys in NORA, therefore we are destined to be together!"
At this point, the younger teen had managed to pull away from the suddenly strange Yuj. "J-Just what brought all of this on?"
Yuj considered this question, before shrugging without much interest and focusing on Maqui once again. "All I know is that I want to do this and that to you... so succumb to me and strip!" He made to grab the blonde, but he just about managed to dodge.
"You're crazy!" He shouted, before running off.
The blue haired teen gave chase. "Just admit that you have a thing for me already! I'll be gentle!"
"GAH! NEVER!"
Thus another ordinary day at the NORA headquarters passed by.
15.) Want to go home
When Hope had expressed his desires to go home to see his father, Light agreed with him that it was the right thing to do. The pair had just exited the Gapra Whitewood and were all set to reach Hope's place in Palumpolum. However, due to most annoying circumstances, the two of them ended up separated and Hope ended up with no one other than the guy he hated: Snow Villiers.
"Don't worry, the Hero will get you home!" He said enthusiastically, all the while Hope was seething. He's completely oblivious... damn him!
Apart from shouting strategies to each other when they found themselves up against a PSICOM officer or other enemies, the two didn't talk to each other. Well, Snow chatted happily enough and failed to realise his companion's silence. When they were almost at their destination though, a few new enemies appeared.
"Alright, I'll focus on the robot thing, you get the evil flying motorcycle!" Commanded the NORA leader as he landed a punch on the PSICOM Aerial Sniper. Sadly, as these were new enemies, both of them failed to realise that the 'evil flying motorcycle' was a complete and utter bitch.
When it started firing off thousands of bullets, the two of them were quick to get the Hell out of there.
"Wh-what the Hell?" gasped Snow, trying to catch his breath. "How can a freaking motorcycle be that strong? It doesn't even make sense for there to be an evil flying motorcycle!"
Hope was busy trying not to have a heart attack.
The two pressed on, but...
"Oh come ON! Are you kidding me?"
Before them were about six Falco Velocycle's, and despite opting to use shrouds the stupid machines kept attacking them nevertheless.
"How can all this be worth it?" panted Snow as the duo were busy trying to dodge out of the way.
"All I wanted was to go home!" Hope cried, a tear sliding down his cheek.
"Well as long as these stupid evil motorbikes are here, you can forget it!"
And so, about five hours later, the two of them had successfully made it through the barrage of mechanical enemies and made it onto a rooftop. They really needed a break.
Too bad they had to face a boss battle then.
16.) Speak in a girly voice
"Ah! Ah! Hiyaa~ Uhn! Mnn... AH!"
"Umm... is it me, or does Vanille sound like she's..." Snow trailed off his sentence as he and Sazh were busy taking a five minute break from the training Light was putting them through.
"Tell me about it," sighed Sazh. "Although I hate to say something like this about her... it really does sound like she's having an orgasm or something!"
"Oh thank Fal Cie that I wasn't the only one thinking that! It's so distracting!"
"I know! I had to travel with her for ages as well... I can't decide if it's arousing or just plain annoying."
"I hear that."
"I'm tougher than I look~" Vanille practically sang to the Flan she was currently doing battle with, before unleashing a series of spells while sounding like she was having sex.
"Ah! Oohh, hah!"
"Seriously... does she do that on purpose?" The NORA leader was really confused as to why the girl always did that.
"I have no idea," said Sazh, also trying to puzzle the mystery out.
"And while we're on the subject," Light said from out of no where, "Just what is her accent supposed to be? And why does she sound like a little kid?"
"Lightning!" Both men jumped. "You heard what we were talking about?"
"Yes," she said bluntly. "Trust me, I've been wondering the same thing for a while now, Hope's the same."
Vanille was still unaware she was the subject of discussion a few feet away, finishing off the flan with an, "AHHH~!"
Suddenly, a group of about seven Gremlins surrounded her. Snow, Sazh and Lightning all looked on with curiosity as the enemies had just appeared out of nowhere. They didn't even attack the pink haired girl; they just danced around her until they all jumped on her.
"Umm... What are they doing?" asked the blonde.
"Wait... they aren't... oh my God!" Sazh's eyes widened as he realised the situation.
Lightning had also realised the same thing but stayed composed as she said, "I guess the sounds Vanille was making attracted the Gremlins... looks like it sounded like a mating call."
Snow looked back at Vanille and the Gremlins now piled on top of her. "You mean... woah! Shouldn't we help her?"
The other two considered before coming to a conclusion. "If we leave her, she may learn never to make those distracting sounds again."
And with that, the three of them left the scene while Vanille was left utterly clueless as to what was going on and the intentions the Gremlins had for her.
17.) Use all the toilet roll
"DAMMIT SNOW!"
Light's voice echoed through the current building they were using as a base at the moment. Said man had been taking a nap, but the sound of his angry future sister-in-law brought him back into reality. "Huh?" He asked blearily.
After about two minutes, Hope came into the room where Snow had been taking a nap with a small blush on his cheeks. "Umm... Light wants to see you..."
"What? Why?"
"Well... you see..." Hope never finished his sentence, because Lightning came crashing into the room and got a hold of Snow by his coat collar.
"At least replace the toilet roll if you use it all!" She glared at the blonde angrily, while said man just radiated confusion.
"What did I do?"
"Used all the damn toilet roll," seethed the pink haired woman. "I was stuck on there for ten minutes! If Hope hadn't passed me another roll..." She decided that finishing the sentence was unnecessary, and so proceeded to strangle the poor NORA leader.
"I. Didn't. Do. It." It took all of Snow's effort to get the words out, because it is very difficult to breathe when you're being strangled.
At this moment, Fang entered the room. Her eyes lit up when she saw the scene. "Yay! We gonna beat up Snow again?"
"Yes," Light said coldly.
"Cool, what did he do this time?"
"Used all of the toilet roll, causing me to be stuck on there for ages!"
The awkward look Fang had donned a few days ago was back. "Ah... I see... Just what are you p-playing at, Snow? Umm..."
Light loosened her grip on Snow, and the two looked at her.
"YOU DIDN'T GET ME BEFORE AND YOU WON'T GET ME NOW!" Fang yelled before swiftly rocketing out of the room. This time, the two of them gave chase and managed to get out of the building in time to see that the raven haired woman had summoned Bahamut and was already in the air. Fang was laughing manically as she flew off, "VICTORY IS MINE!"
18.) Beatbox
One boring day when things were quiet and the group didn't feel like training, it was decided that they would take a day off. They were busy relaxing by one of the lakes on the Archylte Steppe when all of a sudden, Sazh started beatboxing. Everyone looked at him with interest, as he was laying down a pretty sweet beat. The chocoling in his Afro eventually surfaced and added the occasional "Kweh" in time with what Sazh was doing. Once he had finished his little skit, everyone clapped and cheered.
"Wow Sazh, that was amazing!" Vanille complimented. "Where did you learn to do that?"
"Ah well, I grew up in the Ghetto," he explained, suddenly sounding much more black than he had previously. "You never know when you're gonna have to down some white boy with a sick beat."
There was a moment of silence before Snow's eyes glowed and he said, "Wow, that's so cool! You're inner black guy has awoken! So cool!"
Sazh just nodded his head, staying all cool and composed. This caused Snow to idolise him even more. "I wish I was black," he moaned, before thinking about something. He then attempted to beatbox like Sazh had done previously.
To put it simply: He was crap.
Snow had no rhythm and couldn't even get the basics down. After two minutes of utter beatboxing garbage, Light had had enough. She commanded the blonde to stop, but he didn't. For some reason, Snow was completely convinced that he was a beatboxing prodigy, when in fact he was just spraying spit everywhere.
"That's enough!" Light was glaring at the blonde who still refused to stop. She looked at Fang, who quickly understood what had to be done.
The two of them grabbed Snow by the arms and threw him into the lake. When he surfaced, the blonde had a stupid pout. "I just wanted to be like Sazh!" He moaned.
Sazh was currently listening to Gangster's Paradise on his iPhone, remembering how much he actually loved rap music. He soon found himself in the lake as well, because Light hates it when you listen to music on your phone.
19.) Wear sunglasses inside
Ever since the beatboxing incident, Sazh had decided to pay homage to his black heritage more often. This resulted in him wearing sunglasses all the time, even when he was inside. It also resulted in him wearing his khaki pants lower than they should be, so that you could see the top of his boxers. As he was good with machinery, Sazh had managed to find and fix a boom box from somewhere (it's a mystery just where he got it from, because a boom box was certainly not a thing to be found on Pulse) and had since been blasting out 50 cent and those of his ilk.
Since Sazh really could pull all of this off, the group were content to leave him be. However, Snow was still under the disillusion that he was also a black guy trapped in a white guy's body, and so he began to emulate everything Sazh did. When the blonde also took to wearing sunglasses inside, and then preceded to call Light a 'motherfucker', the group knew that something had to give.
"Snow, you are not black!" Farron was sick to death of the way the idiot blonde was acting, and she wasn't the only one.
"At least Sazh can pull it off, you just look like a spazz," added Fang.
"Listen to them Snow, you look ridiculous," Hope felt he had to offer his comments as well.
Vanille nodded.
"All you ho's are just jealous cuz you ain't black!" Snow protested, striking a pose.
"YOU AREN'T BLACK!"
"Of course I am, I is like well black innit! You is just jealous cuz you ain't gangsta!"
"Oh dear God, he's gone insane."
All of a sudden, two gunshots were heard. Everyone turned around to see Sazh wielding his pistols, the very air around him oozing coolness. When the chocoling appeared, everyone saw that it now had a small gold chain around it's neck, and was also donning a pair of mini sunglasses.
"They bothering you my brother?" Sazh asked Snow.
"For real yo! They is like cramping my style!"
Sazh just looked them over carefully before saying; "Well then I guess I'll just have to pop a cap in their asses."
Upon hearing this, everyone ran because it was only a few seconds later that Sazh opened fire, with Snow cheering him on.
And the lesson the l'Cie learned that day was: never let a black man or a wannabe black man wear sunglasses inside, because they will automatically think they are 'gangsta' and try to kill you.
20.) Talk to me when I'm on the toilet
"-and then I thought I could take on five Alraune on my own and I totally-"
"Vanille! Quiet for a sec will ya? I'm on the toilet!"
"But Fang... you've been on the toilet for like, fifteen minutes!" Vanille thought something seemed strange, and so opened the toilet door (which Fang hadn't bothered to lock). When she entered the bathroom, she saw Fang spreading a see-through glue all over the toilet seat.
"Err... What are you doing Fang?"
"Light's gonna beat the crap outta Snow when she gets stuck to the seat!" laughed the Pulsian. "It's gonna be so funny!"
"Didn't Lightning figure out it wasn't Snow these past two times you've done something though?"
"Yeah, but this time I can't fail!" Just then, the raven haired one had finished applying the near invisible substance to the toilet seat and nodded proudly at her work.
"Well, let's go and wait for he show to begin, 'kay Vanille?"
The younger girl couldn't help but think that this would all backfire somehow...
"GAH! SNOW!"
When Light emerged with the toilet seat stuck to her ass, no one could actually stifle their laughter. She glared at Snow, who pleaded innocence through his laughs. The two of them glanced at Fang who was thoroughly enjoying this amusing situation. It was there and then that the two of them hatched a plan...
"I told you they'd figure it out," said Vanille as she stood outside the toilet. "You should have waited to do that."
"Dammit Vanille! I'm on the toilet, will you please go away? GAH!" On the other side, Fang was in extreme pain.
You see, when Light and Snow figured it out was Fang once again, the swords-woman pretended to beat up Snow, said guy playing along. Fang thought she had won, and was delighted when Light offered her a slice of cake later on...
"I can't believe they put laxatives in the cake!" Fang growled, sure that any moment she could actually die. "And they put in a whole freaking bottle!"
"I told you so~" Came Vanille's voice from the other side of the door.
"STOP TALKING TO ME WHEN I'M ON THE TOILET!"
Hiding behind the corner, Light and Snow high-fived each other and muffled their laughter.
x~x~x~x~x
I have no idea why Fang ended up being the toilet person, but oh well XP
Now I shall talk about how some of the rules came to pass (even though you probably don't care :P)
14- I was surprised to see so many pictures and support for Yuj and Maqui. I mean, they were in the game for like two seconds, so even I struggle to understand how they have a following XD
15- Seriously, I HATED those damn motorcycles! Was I the only one who kept getting their ass kicked by them? No word of a lie, I always avoid those stupid things -.-
16- There's no way I can be the only one thinking that Vanille sounds like she really is... ya know XD In the 'throw's of pleasure' or something. What is up with that voice? Honestly, I rarely use Vanille for that very reason, it's sooo annoying!
Anywho, thank you for reading my fic ^_^ Please review, because they really do make my day :D
Until next time then~
xx-animeXalchemist-xx