Chapter 7
Never Let You

The seconds seemed to tick by, to grow into hours, but I knew that only enough time had passed to blink. Then I heard a fierce ripping, tearing sound. A strange, keening whimper. James grinned at me. "Whoops, there goes Laurent," he said cheerfully. My stomach felt sick.

A moment later, an even more high-pitched wail reached my ears. I smiled in bitter triumph. "And that," I said, "was Victoria. Your mate." Even before these words slipped from my mouth, the vampire's eyes darkened even more. His eyes narrowed. Air whistled between his teeth as he hissed out unintelligible words. His muscled tensed. He sprang.

Impact.

Pain ripped throughout my torso; his fingernails tore at the skin and flesh of my upper arm. I was warm all over, and wet, as I fell to the ground. I forced open one eye – blood. All blood. All over.

I felt like I was drowning. My eyelid fluttered shut of its own accord, for which I was grateful. I didn't want to see the blood anymore. Like a watery form of Ketchup. I vaguely thought that Heinz needed to make it thicker. I was beyond the realms of conscious thought.

A strange thing, then, that I was still aware of my surroundings. You'd think that I would be dead by now, my heart stopped and my senses deactivated. But I could still hear the vicious snarling across the room. I could somehow hear the broken cries that then echoed through my head, over and over, as if they represented my own pain. I somehow knew it was Edward.

I commanded my body to stay aware, to stay conscious. I could not lose track of what was happening. Not when my family was involved. I felt Edward's hands take my face. Unfortunately, more consciousness meant more feeling. More feeling meant more pain. But that was a side effect I would take willingly if it meant Edward was holding me.

"Bella," he moaned. "Please, please, please be okay. Oh, God!" I felt his face press into my blood-soaked hair. I wanted to comfort him – he seemed to be in more pain than I was – but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. "Carlisle?" he pleaded. "Look at her! Tell me she'll be okay." Then, screaming, "Let her be okay!"

Carlisle was silent at first, as though he was weighing the situation, figuring out to let Edward know the truth as easily as possible. I knew it – I wouldn't survive. No one could survive this pain, this much blood loss. Carlisle was a doctor – he would know that, too. Honestly, Edward should know that; I realized with a jolt that he did know, and that he just didn't want to believe it. "Edward...you know my thoughts. I cannot lie to you. I wish it were different." This produced another tortured outcry from Edward and a string of profanities from Emmett, who was apparently also in the room.

I began to lose my grip on reality once more, started sinking into that welcome oblivion. Edward, I thought. I love you.

"No," Edward murmured, and his voice was determined. "I won't lose you. Not if I can help it."

Alice's usually peppy voice sang out with hope: "Yes! Yes, Edward! Change her!" Emmett's enthusiastic agreement: "C'mon, Edward! Quick – don't let my li'l sis die! If you let her die, I'll have to go reincarnate James so I can kill him again. Except more painfully." Esme's worry: "Please, Edward. Do so." Rosalie's surprisingly caring snap: "Hurry up, Edward. You'll be too late." Carlisle's steady response: "Do it now, Edward. She has only so long."

But Edward remained immobile, undecided. "What if she doesn't want this – this life? This existence? I wouldn't blame her. She shouldn't want to be a monster. She has no reason to want to become like us." He would have gone on, I think, if I hadn't painstakingly parted my chapped lips.

"E-edward," I croaked, or tried to. I could hear the sudden sucking in of each of their breaths. "I-I. Love...you." This sapped out my strength. It was as if this was what I needed to do before I died – I let myself shut down.

"Oh, Bella," Edward breathed out. "I love you." His hands stroked my hair reassuringly, rhythmically – but I could feel them shaking.

But I wasn't going to die before I had the chance to say something else. "Change me," I demanded. Then I fell unconscious.

Out of sheer curiosity, have you ever been so overwhelmed by pain that now you can't even begin to describe how much pain you were in? That's my situation. Because of everything I might have guessed the change into a vampire to be, it was not that painful. I was expecting to feel pain – just not to experience hell. Hell is not the most pleasant place to be.

Of course, I wasn't actually in hell – if I was, I would still be there, and somehow I managed to escape. It lasted a little less than three days. It was awful. Excruciating. The reason it was bearable – I'll admit, the only reason – was that Edward was there, whispering my name. Whispering my name as I screamed his. It was a rather morbid compromise, to be honest.

He sat by my bedside as I twisted and turned and thrashed around in the covers, holding my hand and stroking my hair, touching my forehead that was coated with sweat. I felt bad, forcing him to see me like this, so animalistic. It was rather embarrassing, really, that I couldn't do anything to stop it. It just hurt so much.

It had started with my neck; the two points were Edward's teeth had sunk into my flesh and into my veins were definitely the foci of my pain. It was the strangest sensation I had ever experienced – fire ripping through my body until my entire torso, then limbs, then head, were completely engulfed in flame. The part that terrified me the most was when Edward said that this seemingly endless flame was all in my head. I didn't like to think that my mind was being manipulated into thinking I was burning – that it was really only the feeling and not the actual fire. I suppose it should have comforted me, but I was not to be reassured. Not in the state I was in.

Soon enough I had lost all sense of time and direction and existence. The only thing I knew was Edward. I saw his face whether my eyes were open or closed – whether he was smiling, laughing, or sobbing, he was there. He was with me.

That's how I got through.

He explained to me what was happening, the process of the change into a vampire. The venom coursing through my veins – the fire – the drastic renovations to my weak human body, the slow deadening of my organs. He warned me that my initial instinct once 'waking up', or becoming a vampire in full, would be to kill. To hunt. To drink the blood of humans. He assured me that he would not let this happen, that he and the rest of his family were beyond strong enough to care for me, to watch my every move. Somehow, I was comforted. I felt so safe with him.

Even in the very pits of hell did I feel safe with my love. My angel. But in this state, everything was intensified. I could hear everything going on in the house – they had taken me back to their mansion in Forks. They were all using very distractions from my sporadic screams – Esme was in the kitchen, baking cakes, pies and cookies that their family would never consume; Carlisle was pacing in his study when he wasn't checking on me; Emmett and Rosalie were having an X-box battle downstairs; Alice was re-organizing her closet; Jasper was with Alice, playing her love songs on his guitar – I half suspected it was to try and drown out the shockingly loud noise coming from my vocal chords. Edward, of course, was with me.

It should feel strange, having Edward by my side, vowing his eternal love, devotion, and support. All I was used to from him was friendship – at least, that's what my brain told me. But my heart, apparently, was a different matter entirely. Instead of unusual, awkward, and out of the ordinary, being with Edward seemed natural. It fit into place perfectly – like some cheesy, sappy form of destiny.

Edward told me everything he knew about vampirism – which was considerable given his birth in 1901 and change in 1918. It was as if he thought anything he said could alter my opinion about the change. But I was determined. The only thing that was important to me was that I loved him.

Weeks ago, directly after my mother's death, I had thought there was no hope for me. Thought that nothing in the world could ever bring me out of my despair, ever lead me to hope again.

I was wrong. So very wrong.

Because as I lay on the mussed bed sheets, sweating and screaming, feeling Edward's cooling hand on my forehead, hearing my heartbeat gradually slow down, it wasn't the pain that mattered.

It was my family – the Cullens. It was Alice, the little black-haired shopaholic psychic who also had the equally supernatural ability to cheer me up. It was Jasper, the emotion-controlling vampire who was as unsure about himself as he was in love with Alice. It was Rosalie, who, though a little involved in herself, was a truly caring sister to have. It was Emmett, the older, weirder brother that I never had, who was as intimidating as a teddy bear. It was Carlisle and Esme, the two most compassionate beings I had ever laid eyes on. It was Edward, who was the one person I could give my heart to with no doubt in my mind.

In life, you'll go through many challenges – family members passing away, people trying to kill you, confusing relationships, and blood-sucking vampires. But you'll also discover something else, and when you do, you'll be better for it.

All that matters is love.

Epilogue:

I still remember the day that I awoke as a vampire, never to sleep again. I had turned to Edward immediately, stared at him. He had stared back, and many life-time's worth of pain and sadness showed in his beautiful topaz eyes. I had thrown myself at him, desperate to touch him, confirm his existence, confirm my own.

We had kissed. For the first time, we had come together without the barrier of his 'darker side' to hurt me. We didn't get very far – which was good, because neither of us were thinking very rationally at that point in time. We pulled apart. I had barely made it though greeting all of the Cullens with enthusiasm when there was a terrible growling inside of me. Coming from me, emitting from my lips.

I was thirsty. Immediately, I slipped from Edward's arms and raced down the stairs in an effort to escape the confines of this house. I needed something to satiate my thirst. My hunger. When I had felt arms throwing themselves around me, a body tackling me to the ground, I tried to claw them off – no one gets in between me and my dinner! – but I couldn't. I was stronger than them by far, but as I turned to face them, there was something about the face of my captor that held my gaze. That forced me to give in.

His eyes. They were so familiar. So deep, so golden. So full of sadness. I couldn't do anything to sadden these eyes any more. The monster quieted – I had forced it down. I don't know where I got my inspiration – at least, I hadn't known it then. I hadn't even known it was Edward who had held me.

In this way, I conquered the animal that forever would try to hold me captive. It wasn't done immediately, but rather, through one thing alone: the love of my husband, Edward. Yes, we got married – Alice had great fun planning the wedding, as did Rosalie and Esme. They even involved me, and amazingly enough, I enjoyed it a little bit as well. After only two years of fighting my instinct, I was human enough to be in public – not huge crowds, and much to Alice's disappointment, not shopping malls. But I could go out sometimes, always with my Edward.

By the time of our wedding, three and a half years after my change, I had gained enough control to go to a church and have people there. Of course, we didn't actually know them, but this Lutheran congregation was very kind. They applauded and smiled, and some even took pictures. I felt beautiful, I felt loved. I felt like I could do anything.

I felt whole.

That's how I feel now, too, as I lie in Edward's arms amidst the beauty of his meadow. He showed me this soon after my change, finding a place where we wouldn't run into humans, but was not inside the walls of the Cullen household.

We have just been talking of my arm-wrestling match with Emmett in one of my more rational moments in the early days of my new life. My brother's shocked face as I smashed his fist to the rock that served as our larger, less breakable table was priceless. Rosalie, however, would argue differently – she had gotten a video of it and Jasper paid her a few thousand dollars for it. Emmett was infuriated, but not with me. Not when I pouted and made my lower lip tremble. He had immediately taken me in his arms and told me that it wasn't my fault that I was freakishly strong, and that in a few years' time, he would challenge me again. And he would win.

We'll see about that.

Now, as Edward leans toward me, he has a hungry look in his eyes. Not the look I had that first day. No; a different type of thirst entirely.

I oblige him; our lips meet. As do our hearts.

Entwined together forever in an endless embrace, we vow that we will remain with each other always, throughout our lives. If we didn't, it would hardly be living.

We kiss again, and this time, we keep kissing for minutes on end. Finally when we break apart, Edward merely moves his lips to my ear, just hovering over my skin.

"I'll never let you go," he promises me, his voice deep, a thick velvet. "I'll never let you go."

He doesn't.