Sam
It's been three weeks since that night, and the pain doesn't lesson any. I avoid Sirius at all costs, but it's not easy. He tries to sneak up on me to talk, but I always manage to squirm away. I can't talk to him. Nothing he says can change a thing.
I know it's hard on the others. They try to spend time with both of us, but I'm not very appealing right now. I spend most of my time studying or in my dorm. Anything to avoid a run in with Sirius. Peter got so upset at us; he's started ignoring us both. Not that I really mind. One less person to annoy me.
I wish things could be different; I really do. Looking at Sirius makes me want to cry, but I don't. I've started slipping in my classes, and it hasn't gone unnoticed. My teachers are worried, and a few have made me stay for tutoring. My tutor is Jase. He knows something's wrong, but he doesn't pry. I keep quiet in our sessions, and he doesn't mind. I know Sirius doesn't like it, but it doesn't matter.
Yesterday, James and I went outside. He spends the least amount of time with me, but I don't blame him. Sirius is his best friend, and I don't expect that to change for me.
Everything went fine. We laughed and talked like nothing had changed. It helped a lot to pretend nothing was wrong. James is James though, and he eventually said something to ruin it. We were sitting at the top of a tree near the lake.
"Sam when are you going to stop making yourself and Sirius miserable?" he said. "I know neither of you really want this." I ignored him and began to pick leaves off the branches.
"Sam," he said forcing me to stop ignoring him. I let go of the branch and looked at him dreading what was to come. "Listen to me. He's miserable. He's stopped eating, he spends all his time locked in our dorm, and he won't talk to anyone! He's my best friend, and I know the only thing that can fix this is you."
I didn't say anything. "Look," he said. "I know you're upset, and you have good reason to be. It's true Sirius has had a lot of girlfriends and not cared about any of them. None of them meant anything to him. I remember that conversation you and I had about needing God in our lives. I think he was trying to fill that gap with girls instead of God. Pretty soon it just became who he is. He never meant to hurt you."
"But he did," I mumbled. James sighed.
"Yes, and he knows he messed up. In case you haven't noticed, he hasn't even looked at a girl in over a year. Since he fell in love with you," he said. Wait wait wait. Love? Who said anything about love? Sirius Black did not love me. If he did, this never would have happened.
"I'll believe that when he tells me himself," I said. James rolled his eyes.
"He's been trying to! You won't let him anywhere near you!" James says. "You know what he's been doing locked up in our dorm? Reading that Bible you gave him two years ago. He's searching for answers Sam. He doesn't know what to do anymore."
"You just don't get it James," I said. His eyes flashed like lightning.
"I don't get it? You think I don't know what it's like to be hurt?" his voice was angry now. "I've been chasing the same girl for seven years, and she hurts me every single day! I know what it's like to want something I can't have. Every time she yells at me, or rejects me, or says she hates me, it kills me inside. You have no idea what that's like. If you're going to sit around feeling sorry for yourself instead of making things right, go ahead. But you're missing out on the one thing I would give anything to have." With that, he jumped from the tree and left without another word.
After he left, I too jumped down and followed him. I don't know why I did it. I guess God wanted me to see the truth. I followed James up to his dormitory. He didn't see me, and I hid when he opened the door. I looked in expecting to see the usual: dirty clothes scattering the floor, candy wrappers, random junk.
I was shocked at what I saw. The entire room was so clean it seemed to sparkle. The beds were made; clothes were folded and put neatly into trunks. James didn't bother to close the door and looking back, I think he knew I was there. On one of the beds, I found what I was looking for.
Sirius sat on his clean bed with a book open in his lap. I didn't have to read it to know what it was. The Bible. Just like James said. He was furiously flipping through pages as if looking for something. He looked up and I shrunk behind the wall where I knew I couldn't be seen. Slowly, I inched back down the staircase thinking about what I just saw.
Today, Kaelin and I sit outside. It's Saturday, and warm out. I haven't seen Sirius all day, and I can't get James' words out of my head. Could Sirius really love me?
James hasn't spoken to me since yesterday, and he's avoiding me. Kaelin talks cheerfully about her date with Remus last weekend, but I'm hardly listening. All I can think about is what James said.
"Sammi!" Kaelin cries. I snap my head up and look at her. "Weren't you listening?" she asks exasperated.
I shake my head slightly avoiding her gaze. "Sorry," I mumble.
"Why don't you just stop this already? It's unhealthy!" she says, and I know she means make up with Sirius.
"You know why Kaelin," I say for the millionth time. Why won't anyone leave me alone? The truth was, after seeing Sirius with that Bible, I'm unsure of anything anymore.
"Sam, when are you going to stop fighting and just admit you're in love with the guy? You're only hurting him as well as yourself," she says softly. I stop. I can't be in love with Sirius. It would just make things more painful. There's no way I'm in love. No way.
Sirius
It's those times when I'm feeling lower than ever before that I'm glad I have James as a friend. I really don't know what I'd do without him. I definitely wouldn't have made it through that night alone.
I was still sitting by the lake staring in shock and horror at the place where Sam had disappeared. A dull pain in my heart was all that remained. I wanted desperately to make things right, but I had no idea how.
"Pads?" A voice came from behind me. I turned around slowly to see James standing there running a hand through his already messy hair as always. I almost smiled. Lily claimed to hate it when he did that, but I knew she loved it.
"Yeah?" I mumbled not really in the mood to talk, but he sits beside me anyway. That's James. He'd never leave a friend behind no matter how much they wanted to be alone.
"I heard what happened," he said. I didn't answer. "You okay?" I nodded, but he didn't seem convinced.
"What about Lily?" I asked wondering why he left her. He finally got her to accept him, and he left her crying in the middle of the common room. That's not like James.
"You're my best friend Pads. There was no way I was going to leave you out here by yourself," he said. "Not even for Lily. She told me to come, but I would have come even if she had begged me to stay."
"Why does it hurt so much Prongs?" I asked weakly. I would never have broken down like that if it weren't James. I knew he wouldn't judge me for it. He'd always been there for me even in my weakest states, and I knew he'd do it again.
"It's called love Padfoot," he said solemnly. I froze and my eyes widened. Love? The moment the thought entered my mind I knew it was true. I was in love with Sam, and all it took was losing her for me to realize it.
After that, I knew I had to tell her. Maybe it wouldn't change anything, but she had to know the way I felt about her. I tried for weeks. I took every chance I could to talk to her, but she always seemed to slip away before I got the chance.
James told me not to worry. She'd come around eventually, but I know she won't. If there's one thing I know about Sam, it's that she's stubborn. It was a week ago that I thought of it. I remembered my birthday two years ago. Sam handed me a wrapped gift and told me it would help if I ever needed anything. She said it was the one thing I could go to for answers to everything.
At the time, I thought it was a lie, but now I'm glad for it. I sit in my room pouring over the pages looking for the answers Sam promised it held. The Bible feels heavy in my hands, and I think about the day Sam took me to church.
It was only a few days after my family had disowned me, and she said it was something I needed. I thought it was stupid at first. That it was all a lie. There wasn't a God. I sat in the pew only half listening to what the man up front was saying. Then he said something I will never forget for as long as I live.
"Sometimes, though we may not realize it, the trials and sufferings the Lord sets out for us are mercies in disguise," he said. That one sentence stuck in my brain, and I never forgot it.
As I leaf through the Bible, that man's words replay themselves in my brain. I read for a long time before I get up and begin cleaning the room. I don't know why I do it, but I find myself picking up the trash, and folding everyone's clothes. It's not long before the room is sparkling.
I sit back down on the bed and pick up the Bible again. James comes in, but doesn't say anything. I ignore him and continue to read. I don't fully understand everything I'm reading, but I try to make sense of what I can.
I hear a noise by the open door and look up, but no one's there. I go back to reading hoping I can find the answers I'm looking for. Hoping maybe God will tell me how to get Sam back.
Please review!