Chapter 6 – The Sex Button
A few days had passed, and they had left Torchwood to be in flight through the vortex again.
Rose was putting Leah to bed and the Doctor was in the midst of repairing the not-actually-broken TARDIS, as he so frequently did. He knew that Rose had figured long ago that nothing was ever actually wrong with the TARDIS, he just liked pretending there was. He liked taking parts out and replacing them with other parts that made no sense to put there, and after getting several electric shocks he always put things back to how they were before.
She called it pointless. He called it experimentation.
After receiving his third major electric shock of the night, the Doctor heard the console begin to beep a frenzy of alerts. Spasming slightly, he climbed out from under the console and checked the TARDIS screen... And Jackie appeared.
"Jackie!" the Doctor exclaimed, beaming before he turned to the corridor and began to yell for Rose.
"Doctor..." Jackie began, sounding a little nervous. But the Doctor seemed to miss her demeanour completely as he turned back to her, a big grin in place.
"We've got some good news," he began eagerly. "Well, it might be good. I hope it's good for you. Me and Rose, we're having... Well actually, I'll let Rose tell you..."
"Doctor," Jackie repeated again, losing no trace of her tone from before.
The Doctor finally seemed to register her. "What? Something the matter?"
"Can I ask you somethin'?"
The Doctor blinked, completely thrown. "Um, okay?"
"Is there anyway I can... Come back to your Universe?"
The Doctor stared at her, taking in her tone of voice, her body language, her facial expression. "Jackie, is something wrong?"
"No, it's just... Well, can I?"
"Opening the breech would cause the two Universes to collapse, Jackie."
"Oh," Jackie replied quietly.
There was a long pause.
The Doctor frowned. This wasn't like her at all. "Are you sure you're all right, Jackie?" he asked, unsure.
Suddenly she burst into tears.
The Doctor swallowed nervously, feeling a mild pang of horror at the prospect of having to deal with a crying mother-in-law, but thankfully he didn't have to handle it as there came the familiar clang of Rose's footsteps on the metal grating.
As the Doctor turned to her she stopped dead, staring at the monitor. "Mum?"
"Love!" Jackie exclaimed, quickly wiping at her eyes, but only succeeded in smudging her make up. "How are you? You have some news?"
Rose ignored the question. "Mum, what's wrong?"
"Nothin's wrong, sweetheart..."
"Mum," Rose said sternly.
Jackie swallowed nervously, but the connection was already beginning to wane, the screen crackling...
"We're losing it!" the Doctor yelled, jumping instantly into action, diving and jumping around the console hammering all manner of buttons. "I'll try and keep us connected!"
"Mum!" Rose repeated urgently, jumping out the way of her partner as he continued to dance around the console. "Is somethin' wrong? Please tell me."
But the connection cut off. The Doctor grunted in agitation and turned back to Rose, scratching the back of his head.
"Sorry, I couldn't hold it," he said.
"It's okay," she said, offering a small smile, but it was dwarfed by the frown that followed. "What was that about?"
The Doctor shrugged, but could sense her trepidation and he instantly moved in to hug her.
"Probably nothing to worry about," he said, rubbing her back before pulling away from her, hands still on her arms.
She continued with her frown for a moment before finally nodding, albeit a little distractedly. "Yeah," she muttered. "Probably just fell out with Dad. She blows things out of proportion. They'll make it up in the mornin'."
The Doctor grinned at her, leaning forward to kiss her in a peck on the lips. "We didn't get a chance to tell her..."
"I know," Rose interrupted smoothly, sighing. He held her a little longer, before she suddenly looked up at him, frowning. "Did you take your medication?"
The Doctor blinked. "Umm..." He pondered for a moment. "... No."
She sighed with dismay, taking his arm and dragging him straight to the Infirmary.
When they got there she sat him down on the nearest bed, before quickly moving to retrieve the magic green liquid as he started undoing his shirt.
"Leah missed Jackie," the Doctor suddenly realised, looking up at Rose rummaging through the cupboard.
"How long has it been since she saw her?" Rose wondered, moving back to him with it in hand.
He mused for a moment. "About eight months."
She took a seat next to him on the bed, fixing the green liquid tube into the needle gun as the Doctor pulled down his sleeve to offer her his arm.
"I think she's missing out, you know?" she said. "When I was a kid my grandparents used to give me loads of stuff. I loved my gran. And my Mum is all Leah's got. By the way, we're nearly out of this green stuff."
He nodded as she rested the nozzle of the needle gun against his arm, finger on the trigger. "We'll get some more, tomorrow. You know, just before you came in... Jackie asked me to bring her back to this universe."
Rose's head snapped up to stare at him, her finger accidentally pulling on the trigger. "What?"
"Ow!"
"Sorry. What?"
"She asked me to bring her back to this universe," he repeated, rubbing his arm.
"What did you say to that?" Rose asked anxiously.
The Doctor stared at her. "You know what I said."
"Oh God," Rose muttered, suddenly panicking. "Something bad's happened. She wants to come back? Is she okay? Do you think she's dyin'?"
"Rose," the Doctor said quickly, holding her shoulders and staring into her eyes. "If it was life or death, she would've probably somehow found a way to e-slap me and scream at me till I got her back here long before now. She's not dying, okay? I'll see what I can do to bring people through when another gap opens up, but even then I can't guarantee anything. Is that okay?"
Rose looked at him for a moment, before finally nodding. "Yeah. I know. I'm sorry."
"Hey," he said, smiling and kissing her gently. "Nothing to be sorry for."
She hugged him tightly, and suddenly he seemed to shiver in her grip. She frowned and pulled back.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," he replied instantly, quickly moving back from her to pull back on his shirt.
"Doctor..." Rose began, reaching up to cup his face. "If you're still sick..."
"I'm fine," the Doctor said quickly, wrenching Rose's hand off of his cheek... but his breathing seemed to be getting louder.
Then Rose realised why. "Bloody hell!" she exclaimed, looking down at his bulging trousers. "What hell did I do?"
The Doctor looked at her with a winded expression, trying to cover himself but failing, miserably.
"Was it the hug?" Rose asked, moving forward to hold him a second time. Her hand brushed against a point between his shoulder blades and he shivered again. "Oh my god, what is that?"
The Doctor was fully hard and panting for air now. "Okay, okay," he wheezed. "It's my... erogenous zone."
"What?" Rose blinked, jabbing a finger into his back again in experimentation. He yelped and growled a carnal growl, instinctively pressing himself up even more against her.
"Please stop doing that," the Doctor grated, pressing his need through the layers of fabric to the apex of her legs.
"That's so weird," Rose muttered, and jabbed it again.
He yelped once more. "What, you've got a clitoris, can't I have one too?"
"But it's in your back!" Rose said in disbelief. "That's so... alien! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I knew you'd do this!" he almost shouted in reply, throwing off his shirt completely and already reaching down to his trousers.
"Doctor," Rose said quickly, grabbing his hands to prevent him pulling down his trousers. "I'm really not in the mood."
"Rose," he gasped, almost pleading. "I need you..."
Rose stared at the heap of erotic mess she'd just created, and realised that it was pretty much her responsibility to clean up. "All right," she conceded. "Bedroom."
"It's the mole between your shoulder blades, isn't it?" Rose realised a while later as they lay naked in bed together, wrapped in each other's arms. "It's right there..."
"Can you please stop talking about it?" the Doctor asked, a little irate.
"Fine," Rose muttered. "Sorry."
Pause.
"And don't even think about it," the Doctor cut through in the silence.
"Fine," Rose repeated, and turned over to wrap her arm around him.
Pause.
"But..."
"You have loads of erogenous zones!" the Doctor said.
"But that's just weird!"
"I'm sorry, I'm an alien, nice to meet you and your perfect human g-spots," he replied sarcastically.
"Oh I'm sorry," she said, kissing him gently. "Do you have any more?" He gave her a look. She sighed. "Look, I wanna know you, every bit of you, every freckle, every scar, every mole, every g-spot... Like there," she said, sitting up and pointing to his abdomen, where a mark denoted he'd obviously had an appendectomy. "When did you have appendicitis?"
"Just before I met Martha," he said. "Kinda gave me the idea to admit myself to hospital with it."
"Oh," she said, running her finger over it. Then she noticed something else. "What about these?"
"Hmm?"
Rose pointed at some thin white lines on his skin, running all over him. She hadn't noticed them before, they were extremely faint, but very much there.
"Oh, just skin pigmentation. It happens sometimes with regeneration. Nothing's perfect."
She smiled and kissed him again. "You're perfect."
"I know," he replied, grinning.
The TARDIS landed with a thump on a brand new planet. The Doctor winced at the jolt, hoping it hadn't woken up Leah.
"Is it okay to leave her here?" Rose wondered, somewhat anxiously.
"The TARDIS'll look after her," the Doctor said in reassurance. "We'll only be about ten minutes. Let her sleep."
Rose nodded, taking his hand as he led her to the door, making sure it was fully closed and locked behind them. They walked, emerging from a small alley into an extremely busy alien marketplace where a menagerie of lifeforms were milling around looking at goods on stalls.
The Doctor took Rose straight down the alley, seemingly knowing exactly where he was going. They turned into a less-busy side street, and then down another alleyway until they reached a ramshackled shop with a large hand drawn green moon on a rotting board outside.
The Doctor made to go into it, but Rose quickly stopped him. "Err..."
"I know," the Doctor replied, but he had what Rose dubbed his 'trust-me-I'm-saving-the-world' face on. "Appearances can be deceptive."
They entered the shop, and it was a complete tip. Boxes and boxes were stacked on top of one another, some medicine packs having fallen out and been crushed on the floor. Lights were hanging down and flickering ineffectively from the ceiling, not to mention the roof had several holes in it.
Rose did her best to dodge the mess as the Doctor pulled her to the service desk, and whacked the old-style bell with his palm.
"Doctor..." Rose whispered urgently, looking at the ceiling and completely convinced it was about to fall and crush them at any moment.
"It's fine, really," the Doctor replied. "So it doesn't look the part, but..."
"Heeeey, Doctor!" a new voice greeted, and a tall blue man entered, wiping something suspicious from his hands onto a towel. "Is good seeing you, ya?"
"Hey Rozzo," the Doctor greeted happily, beaming. "How have you been?"
"I good, ya!" the strange blue man replied with a heavy accent. "De wife, not so good. She big with three babies, ya? She eat, she sleep, she try tear Rozzo's knob off with teeth, ya? You know!" he laughed boisterously at the Doctor before his eyes flickered to Rose, and his smile widened. "Oh, pretty lady! Is human ya?"
Rose nodded, seemingly impossibly liking this strange blue man. "Yeah, I'm from Earth."
"She's my wife," the Doctor said, smiling.
"Ahh!" Rozzo said, smiling. "How ugly man like Doctor get such pretty lady?" he laughed boisterously. "No, I is happy for you, Doctor! You make pretty babies with pretty wife!"
"Thanks," the Doctor grinned.
"What is you want, Doctor?"
"I'll have three bottles of your special, please."
"Is good stuff, ya?" he said, reaching down behind the desk and bringing out three bottles of the green liquid.
"How much?"
"Is free for pretty lady!" Rozzo said happily.
The Doctor looked aghast. "I can't do that."
Rozzo laughed his infectious laugh again. Even Rose found herself giggling. "No worry, Doctor. Is free, please take as gift!"
The Doctor found the bottles practically shoved into his arms. "Oh all right," he muttered, shoving them in his expansive pockets.
"Ah, you no pay anyway," Rozzo murmured. "You still owe Rozzo from card game, ya?"
"Yeah," the Doctor muttered, glancing at Rose and nervously scratching the back of his head. "I'll get back to you on that."
Rozzo laughed again. "Other day I meet nice human man that know you."
"Oh, really? Who?"
"Is human, we had great sex, ya?"
The Doctor frowned. "Was his name Jack Harkness by any chance?"
"Ya," Rozzo said after a moment's thought.
"Bloody hell," Rose muttered. "Is there no one left in the Universe Jack hasn't had sex with?"
"You and me?" the Doctor asked.
"And my Mum."
"Give him five minutes with her."
Rose snorted with laughter as the Doctor turned back to Rozzo.
"Right, well, thank you," the Doctor said, beaming. "I'll see you later."
"Bye, Doctor!" Rozzo said happily as they left onto the street.
"Well, that was weird," Rose muttered.
The Doctor beamed, just as Rose reached up to the hot-spot between his shoulder blades, subtly rubbing her fingers in a circle on it. The Time Lord stumbled a halt, his face turning to complete shock. He quickly spun around and grabbed Rose's arm, very quickly finding a secluded area and pushing her up against the wall to snog her.
"This..." he began between kisses. "... Is why..." Kiss. "... I didn't..." Kiss. "... Tell you." Kiss.
"Is this..." Kiss. "... Legal?" Rose wondered.
"Don't know, don't care," he replied, pulling down her v-neck shirt.
"Doctor," she urged, unable to stop giggling as she grabbed his shoulders and pushed him forcefully away.
"Rose?!" he squeaked, looking incredibly disappointed.
"You do realise what this means, yeah?"
"What?"
"You have a sex button."
"I do not," the Doctor replied instantly. Rose placed a foot in his stomach gently and pushed him away even further.
"Rose!" he wailed.
"Seriously, we need to get back to the Tardis," she said.
"Yes," he said quickly. "Good thinking. There's a bed."
Rose sighed. "And our two-year-old daughter is there on her own."
"... Right," the Doctor said, obviously having temporarily forgotten that in the moment. He took her hand and urgently pulled her back through the streets, and into the side alley where they had left the TARDIS.
But she wasn't there. She had completely vanished.
"What?!" Rose gasped.
"Leah!" the Doctor yelled, spinning around just in time to see a metal pole to impact with his head.