I apologise for any mistakes in this, it is past three in the morning and it's results day tomorrow. This is to take my mind off how much I've failed.
Rachel's feet clanked heavily against the floor as she broke into a run with no real destination, she just knew she had to be away from there before everything started. The questions, looks, apologises, she just didn't want to deal with it all. She knew she should be happy, Santana had finally confessed to lying, and although she had done it in a typical Santana fashion, without acting as if she actually cared, it could mean another shot for her relationship with Finn. Rachel would be happy if that was what she wanted anymore. She would have been happy a month ago, but now she just didn't care. She finally wanted so little it was so hard to even drag herself out of bed in the morning.
The sound of heavier footsteps started behind her, and Rachel ran faster. She was in no mood to talk to anyone, but by the sound of those footsteps, the person they belonged to was. They sped up with hers and didn't seem to care that she was blatantly trying to get away from them. It wasn't long before the pain began to creep up her legs as she tried to work them harder than they had been expected to in weeks, she barely worked out anymore and the previous night's cuts were stinging painfully. She knew she wouldn't be able to run much longer, but the footsteps were still behind her and growing ever closer.
A hand closed around her arm, tugging her backwards so that she stumbled into the person with the footsteps and she couldn't help but feel a slight relief at the small build of who she fell into. At least that meant it wasn't Finn, she could just about deal with someone, as long as it wasn't him. Rachel turned at last to face the person who had followed her all the way down the hall and out of the front doors (when had that happened?).
Once he had her attention, it seemed that Kurt didn't know what to do. He did nothing but look at her and chew on his bottom lip, like he were preparing to ask her out. "Why did you run like that?" He said at last, his eyes flickered up and down her tiny frame, drinking in how her clothes hung from her looser than ever and the dead things in her eyes that had once been shining stars embedded into her.
Rachel shook her head and pulled her arm out of Kurt's grip, but she did not run away again. She couldn't even if she wanted to, her leg felt as if it were on fire, and her stomach was stinging painfully enough to tell her she had opened some of the more recent cuts. "Why are you here, Kurt?" She said, ignoring his question. "You haven't been playing the concerned friend role in these past weeks, so what is it you wish to obtain from me now?"
A flicker of recognisation surged through Rachel as she saw the familiar hint of the person she used to be coming though. Not the one that was pushing Kurt away and more or less telling him to leave her alone, but the one who did not simply say 'go away'. Apparently, Kurt saw it to, as the corners of his mouth twitched into the smallest smile.
"I care about you Rachel," he said, as if it were obvious. "I know I've not been the first to show it in these past weeks, but Finn's my brother and I thought you had done those things with Puck. Who, by the way, refused to let Finn be the one to chase you." At least Puck had always been there for her. Not that he had much choice on whose side he took, it would have taken a very convincing story of drugging for him to have fallen for it.
A soft sigh escaped Rachel's lips that didn't come anywhere close to expressing how she felt and she allowed her legs to collapse carefully from underneath her, half falling, half sitting gracefully down on the grass they had stopped on. Without hesitation, Kurt sat down beside her, and the want for him to go away lessened slightly, partly as she realised it was futile, and partly because some small piece of her appreciated the company.
"If you want an update on the drama, which the Rachel Berry I know most certainly would, the whole place was insane when I left. Puck was busy restraining Finn who was practically launching himself at the door after you, Mercedes was threatening to knock Santana's pearly white teeth from her poisonous mouth, Mr Schue was struggling in vane to get everyone to calm down and Brittany was trying to telepathically communicate with her cat to tell him she might be late home."
A small smile tugged at the corners of Rachel's lips as the scene unfolded in her imagination. She could have predicted the reactions herself, but still felt a flutter of appreciation towards Mercedes. No one besides Puck had ever bothered to defend her in the past. She just wished one of them had been willing to show the same support when she was begging someone to believe her side of the story. Had not one of them realised it sounded nothing like anything she would ever do? No only was she, as Santana put it, 'frigid', but cheating just wasn't her. When she was in the fourth grade, she rewrote a whole paper after getting an A because she realised one of her ideas had originally come from a conversation with her dads.
Kurt's fingers slipped through Rachel's, clasping her hand tightly as he sensed her need for a lifeline. At his mom's funeral, his dad's hand had been enough to reassure him that as hard as things were going to be, the two of them would be all right, and he hoped the gesture would do the same for Rachel now. She had that far away glazed look in her eyes that he was so unused to seeing on her, she was always so determined and focused, but lately she had become someone else. Someone Kurt neither recognised or particularly liked.
"What are you thinking?" Asked Kurt, gently. That was another thing that was different about Rachel, she no longer as easy to read. Sure, everyone could tell she was sad, withdrawn, not her old self at all, but that was the extent of it. She no longer showed the world with her expression exactly what was going through her head. Kurt had found that part of her annoying at the time, to him, it was part of the reason people liked to rip it out of her so much, because they could see when she was vulnerable, but it was clear she was vulnerable now and he didn't like it one little bit. He felt like he was closed out of a secret he needed to know.
Rachel shrugged, the absence of a long, wordy and emotional answer not going unnoticed. "I don't know. I thought I'd be relieved but I'm not. I'm just sad that no one could see it before. Why did you all believe Santana over me? You know what she's like and you know I'm not the sort to do that," a ghost of a smile flickered across her face. "Especially not with Noah, can you imagine the kids?" Kurt smiled too, imagining little Rachel mini mes running around with Puck's Mohawk.
"It's not that we believed Santana, it was Finn we all heard the news from. He seemed so sure, he was furious Rachel, I've never seen him like that, not even when he found out Quinn's child wasn't his. He just came into my bedroom raving about you and Puck and by the next morning it was all over the school, no one was sure where it had originally come from. When I asked him, he said he just knew. If I had known where the information originated from, I would have questioned its truth."
Rachel nodded. She had no reason not to believe Kurt, and that was the way of High School, once one person knew, everyone did and as rumours did, it would have been twisted, had bits added to it, most likely not in her favour and anyone who had doubted the story when they first heard it would soon be convinced. By the end of the week, the entire school were probably swearing they had seen the two of them together at one point or another.
"But Finn knew," she said, eventually. "He knew it came from Santana and I tried to tell him she was lying, but he didn't believe me. Why would he do that Kurt? Why would be believe my tormentor over me, someone he knew had been out to get me since she very first clapped eyes on me, yet he trusted every word that came out of her mouth, even when it contradicted mine. Clearly, he doesn't trust me, and what is a relationship without trust? I don't know if I can trust him now, of course I know he would never betray me, but how do I know he won't accuse me of sleeping with the next guy who dares to glance in my direction-"
She was interrupted from her rant by Kurt's chuckle and immediately looked up at him, offended at his insensitivity. "Sorry," he said, catching sight of her expression. "It's just, for a moment there, you were the old you."
Rachel chewed on her bottom lip, suddenly uncomfortable. No one liked the old her, she had tried her best to get rid of her over the weeks, and when she had refused to leave, Rachel had simply retreated into silence, saying nothing unless directly spoken to. Of course, that also meant she avoided awkward conversations and having to use up much energy in general, but those were just added bonuses. After Finn had said the things he did, she just didn't want to be her.
"It's a good thing, Princess," said Kurt, lightly, giving her hand a squeeze. "And as for my Neanderthal brother, I don't know what goes on in that head of his. He's just so overly paranoid since everything with Quinn, and he saw a few things between you that held nothing more than friendship, but that combined with Santana's poisonous lies had his brain gearing up for a confrontation. I don't think it even crossed his mind she could be lying."
Rachel smiled again, but that time, it was more than a flicker. It was a smile that reached her eyes and she leaned her head against Kurt's shoulder and squeezed his hand back, feeling for the first time in weeks, like she wasn't alone.
…
A loud knock echoed through the lonely house as Rachel lay alone on her bed, gazing at the ceiling as if it held all the answers and advice she so longed for. The weight on her shoulders had lifted, just slightly, following her conversation with Kurt, it was nice to know not everyone had believed Santana, to them, it had just been a confirmed rumour from nowhere and since Rachel had never actively tried to deny it in front of them, it was the only story they had. It was nice, as well, to feel as if she had someone. Even if that someone could not necessarily be counted on as much as she would have hoped, it was a heck of a lot better than no one.
Rachel did not get up to answer the door immediately. She'd left Kurt just half an hour ago, and he seemed to be the only one likely to call for her. The person she was going to have to tell her dads were out of town for the week could wait for the news. Or not get it at all, it didn't matter to her, if it was that important, the stranger would already know. Finally, when she had ignored it for several minutes and the knocking grew louder and more frantic, accompanied by the shrill ringing of the doorbell, Rachel rolled off the bed and headed downstairs.
Her heart sank as she pulled open the door to be greeted by Finn hovering awkwardly on the doorstep with his hands shoved in his pockets. He was slouched over and his eyes were studying the floor rather than her. Rachel had a sudden urge to lecture him on posture and the correct way to behave when visiting someone, or at least tell him to make eye contact, but that part of her died after just moments of lingering inside. That was something she would have done before everything had fallen apart. When Finn was still hers to nag.
Another urge washed over her as suddenly as the first one had, only this time, it remained. It was the urge to slam the door right in his face and head back to her room, forget that he had ever been there and blank him just as he had been blanking her in all the weeks they had been apart. He didn't deserve the time of day he had never given her, but the polite hostess inside her told her this would not be acceptable. Whatever Finn had done, he was there and obviously had something to say, so the polite, moral thing to do would be to hear him out.
Reluctantly, Rachel opened the door wider and stepped aside, silently inviting him in. That was a part of her that had changed. The Rachel she had been before would have greeted him with enthusiasm, insisted he come right in and take a seat then offered to make him all manner of snacks and refreshments until he laughed at her and told her to stop being such a mother hen and sit down so they could start the evening.
Finn finally looked up at her as he walked inside, glancing up and down her body as if expecting some drastic change. If that was what he had hoped for, he was in for some disappointment, Rachel might have never felt further from herself, but that didn't mean she was going to let the whole world know it. The Glee Club didn't count, they spent enough time with her to see the cracks, and they were the only ones likely to actually care, but the rest of the world took one look at her normal short dresses and skirts with her knee socks and assumed she was as bossy and annoying as ever.
"Hi," Finn greeted, lamely, and Rachel was hit by yet another urge to roll her eyes. Hi? After weeks of them not speaking and him treating her as if she were some sort of leper and all he had to say was a friendly acknowledgement.
"Finn," Rachel replied, flatly. "What can I do for you?" He frowned then, noticing the absence of the bounce in her voice.
"Well, I was kinda hoping we could talk," he mumbled, sheepishly, stealing another glance at his ex to check her facial expression, which remained free from daggers. He hoped that meant she wasn't too mad. Or maybe she just didn't care anymore.
Rachel shrugged. "You can do all the talking you like Finn, it's a free country and I am the last person who will silence anyone's voice having felt the frustration that comes with not being listened to." Finn wanted to both grin and flinch at the same time. That was the Rachel he knew and loved, the girl who used five words when one would do and constantly berated anyone who would listen about how she was never listened to. But the part of him that wanted to flinch wondered if it had been a deliberate dig.
"I..I just wanted...well I," Finn sighed in frustration and fixed his gaze on her once again. That time, it remained there for more than just a couple of seconds. He watched the way she stood, her arms crossed protectively over her stomach, staring back at him but with none of the bright expression he remembered on her. Her face was pretty much blank, filled with an emptiness that she was not a part of. "I'm sorry Rach."
Rachel smiled, a faint flicker of the large, over enthusiastic grin that used to regularly take up the space on her entire expression, but now it was barely there. It didn't even ignite the light in her eyes. It was a long while before she spoke, and every moment made Finn more and more nervous. It wasn't often there was silence when he was with Rachel.
"I know you are Finn, it wasn't hard to work out when I saw your face after Santana's confession, and Kurt told me afterwards of how you had to be physically restrained from chasing romantically after me as I fled from the choir room." She stopped, but Finn suspected she hadn't finished. He could count on one hand the amount of times Rachel had actually thought about what she was going to say before she spoke, but that was just another of the many changed in her he'd noticed since he arrived.
"I have turned this moment over and over in my head," she admitted, truthfully. "Many times I have dreamed of you realising your mistake and coming rushing over here to beg for my forgiveness and vow to spend eternity making it up to me somehow, but it isn't like that. You didn't realise this all by yourself. Santana told you. She told you what I've been trying to say for weeks, but wouldn't listen. What I don't understand, the part I have really struggled with over these weeks is why you listened to her over me, I am many things Finn, but I have always been one to be honest, too honest a lot of the time and Santana- well, I don't think this is the first lie she's ever told."
Finn wanted to look away from the hurt that was beginning to spread across her features, a part of him preferred the emptiness. He wished she would shout at him and throw things like a normal person, but although Rachel was theatrical and darn scary when she was angry, she was so rarely furious when she had every right to be.
"It wasn't just Santana," Finn tried to explain, the frustration seeping into his tone, but it was not directed at her. It was frustration at himself, because she was right. Why had it taken Santana to admit she was lying for him to finally prick up his ears and listen? "I saw the two of you at the beach, and I'm still so paranoid after Quinn...I knew you would never do that to me Rach, and that's the only thing that stopped me bawling the you both out right there and then, but then she said she'd actually seen you, and it was like I had no space for anything else in my head. It was just taken up by you with him and so clouded with this anger."
Rachel closed her eyes, the conversation she had longed for had turned in a way she wasn't expecting it to. In her dreams, she had always listen to Finn's somehow extremely reasonable explanation and fallen into his arms like nothing rough had ever passed between them, but in reality it wasn't happening that way. It wasn't as if she hadn't forgiven him, she had never really been angry in the first place, just hurt. So hurt, that he wasn't making it any better, his explanations meant nothing because he hadn't listened to hers.
"It's not just that you didn't believe me, it's what you said." Emotion had finally found its way into Rachel's voice, which crackled slightly with the tears she struggled not to spill. "You didn't have to be so mean, no matter how mad you were. I didn't think you were capable of saying those things, I have come to expect it from the others, but not you Finn."
At the sight of the tears that filled her eyes, Finn wanted to stride right over there and hug her, let her cry into his chest like she had done in the past, he wanted to comfort her like he had always been able to, but he no longer had the right.
"I'm so sorry, I should never have said those things, any of them, I know how they hurt you-"
"No," she interrupted, quietly. "You have no idea." She thought of the deep scars that still had not faded, scored there on the same day he had accused her of cheating with his best friend and the many deep cuts, the painful words that had followed it, scarring new patches of skin and although not all were there because of him, he was the one who had made her just stop caring. Before the break up, she thought of stopping. Before the break up, she cared how deep she went and how many cuts she made. Afterwards, it just didn't matter anymore.
"Could you please just go?" Asked Rachel, softly with none of the anger she should have been feeling. "I want to be on my own."
For a moment, Finn thought of protesting. She did not seem in any state to be left alone, and he longed so much to stay with her and tell her over and over again that he was sorry, that he loved her, until she took him back. But her eyes were large and pleading and he had always loved her eyes. They were so warm and bright, unlike Quinn's small cold ones, they held all her emotions and he could read her though them, just like she were a book. So against his better instincts, Finn gave her one last hesitant smile before heading out of the still open door, forcing himself not to look back.
As soon as he was gone, Rachel flung the door shut behind him and raced up to her room, just one thought on her mind. Well, many thoughts were on her mind, all biting and scratching, but there was one that dominated above all, one that would result in all the others being chased away. She rushed into her room as if she had just seconds to administer a life saving injection and seized her deodorant from her desk.
The lid came off just as frantically, but as soon as the blades fell into her hand, one with specks of blood still staining it from the previous night, she stopped. Now that they were there, and she could have the relief and proof of her pain within seconds if she wanted to, the urge was not as strong. It was still there, and if it had been any other day, she would have gone right ahead and done it. But she could not force the image of Finn's puppy dog eyes from her head, and that was just when he had seen the hurt in hers. If he knew what she was doing to herself, the look would be more than she could stand.
Then, perhaps someone who did deserve a second thought came into her mind. Kurt and his light hearted way of putting things that had managed to wake her smile from the dead earlier that day. And Puck, her friend Noah who had always been there, he had stood by her, not caring about the rumours that began to spread about him. He didn't even care when he began to get slushie facials for 'dating Fag Spawn' and it was his semi friendship that had stopped her falling so far into herself that she was unreachable.
Before she could change her mind again, Rachel opened her fingers and allowed the blades to slip through them and fall silently to the soft carpet floor.
Is that a glimmer of hope I detect? I think I will challenge myself to write something happy next, although not all my Glee fics are doom and gloom. Again, I'd really love it if you could review.
I don't know whether to make this Finchel or not now. I now have two endings in mind and don't know what one to go for but it seems Finchel is no longer popular. Oh, and I didn't fail all my AS exams. I'm allowed back for year 13 :)