Trigger warning.
For the next few days, nothing exceptionally out of the ordinary happened. Noah and Kurt had both called while she had been with Finn to check she was okay. They wanted to come over too, especially Noah when she told him Finn was there, but Rachel had assured him it was fine and they were just talking. Even then he had insisted that she phone him if 'that douche' did anything to upset her, and although his persistence was a little annoying, Rachel was touched by the gesture.
Finn had stayed the entire night. By the time she had calmed down, it was gone eleven and after a quick phone call to him mom to apologise and explain, with Rachel's permission, he had said he was staying the night- but not to worry, they were going to sleep in separate rooms and do nothing more than hug. Despite having regretted agreeing for him to come over, Rachel found once he was there, she wanted him to stay. With Finn there, she didn't feel so empty, the barbed wire didn't dig as deep and although the urge was still there, it was impossible to follow through with it.
His company had not been as painful as she had expected. For that one night, she had taken his advice and forced herself to forget everything that had passed between them, not enough to go back to what they were, but enough so she could allow him to comfort her without flinching, as if afraid he would hit her. Once her tears had subsided, Finn had carried her into the lounge so not to spread juice all through the house and cleaned her feet before wiping up the mess on the kitchen floor and sitting with her on the couch.
All night, he had not forced her to talk about anything. He'd put on Funny Girl, knowing it was her favourite and had the most hope of cheering her up. By mid movie, Rachel found it was almost working. She was able to sing along faintly to Don't Rain On My Parade, something that she had not done in weeks. And she had wanted so much to tell Finn everything. He had been right there and being so kind, but not at all pressuring, and it made her want to spill her soul to him. All that had stopped her was knowing she would regret it when she woke up in the morning and the mood was gone. She had told herself if she still wanted to tell him in one week, she could.
It had been four days, and still she longed to tell not just Finn, but Kurt and Noah as well, who she owed explanations. But she just wasn't ready for them to know. All the time she kept her secrets, she could tell them at any point, but once they were told there was no going back. She didn't know what had happened to her. There was a time when the entire world would have known everything that was wrong with her, but people had always assumed their comments rolled off her back, and she'd never bothered to contradict them.
It was too late now. It had all gone on too long, and whatever she said wasn't going to make a difference. What did they care what they made her do? If they knew what she was doing to herself, they'd just get worse. They'd be so pleased with themselves that they'd managed to get to her so much. She'd be even more of a freak than she was before.
…
On Sunday, Rachel didn't get dressed until almost four in the afternoon, something she had never done before. She always showered and dressed as soon as she had finished her morning workout so she could be ready if any impromptu invitations came her way, but Kurt was the only one who wanted to do anything with her, and he'd complain however she turned up looking. Somewhere along the line, it had just become too much effort to try. If she didn't put a lot into her appearance then she had an excuse to look horrible.
She would not have dressed at all had it not been for wanting a mug of hot chocolate and being out of soya milk. It was hard enough to find vegan hot chocolate, and only one shop in Lima did soya milk. It was a half hour walk, and had it just been for the drink, Rachel would not have bothered, but she'd need it for her morning protein shake. Reluctantly, she threw on the first thing that she touched from her wardrobe and ran a comb through her hair, leaving it as it was.
To her relief, the shop was almost empty, which meant no queues and less chance of bumping into someone she knew and having to make small talk. It also meant the beady eye of the shop assistant eyed her up as she scanned the shelves. It was like being young and a resident of Lima automatically made her a thief. She grabbed a carton of milk quickly, not bothering to check each one for the use by date as she normally would.
Rachel turned away from the shelf towards the till, and walked straight into the person behind her. "Sorry-" she muttered, without looking at them, until a very familiar voice spoke her name. She froze in walking away, praying she was wrong. He was the last person she wanted to see when she was dressed down and in a foul mood. He was the last person she ever wanted to see, and had thought she never would have to again.
A part of her wanted to just bolt, but that would be rude, and if there was one thing her dads had taught her it was to always try and be polite, even if her advice did not always come out in the most mannerly way. With even more reluctance than she had come to the shop with, Rachel slowly turned to face him, being sure to do just the opposite off everything she wanted to do. Look him in the eye instead of at the floor, keep straight rather than slouch and speak calmly, rationally, as if he had not crossed her mind since she had last seen him.
"Hello Jesse," she said, coolly, staring him out. He stood casually with his hands pushed into his pockets, a slight smirk dancing over his lips as of he was part of a private joke. Rachel felt a surge of annoyance at the pose she used to find alluring. Now it was just a sign of how he had been able to manipulate her, and all the lies he had told. "I thought you were in UCLA."
"I dropped out," he said, as if that explained everything. Rachel resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.
"And why would you do that? It's what you've always wanted."
"Itwas what I wanted," he corrected her. "But then I got there and it wasn't all that. They kept telling me what to do, what I was doing wrong, and I've been doing this all of my life, I don't need some pompous twat telling me how to live my life." Rachel felt another surge of annoyance. Why did he always insist he knew better than everyone else? She hoped that wasn't what she was like. Yes, she could be obnoxious, but Jesse was just arrogant, and cruel with it.
"Of course. When have you ever thought of anyone besides yourself?" Jesse's eyes narrowed. He kept his hands in his pockets, but a slight anger flashed through his eyes. It reminded Rachel of the Run Joey Run incident, to which he had completely over reacted. Perhaps he had just always wanted an excuse to break up with her, but then why had he come back? Why had he returned just to break her heart all over again?
"You'd be surprised," he snapped, in a voice that told her he knew something she didn't, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Rachel rolled her eyes at him and turned away towards the till. She'd wasted long enough chatting to him. It was supposed to be a quick trip.
"I came back for you," he called after her, stopping her in her tracks. She swung around on her heel, the shock already on her face. He saw it before she could mask it. "I wanted to make things right, I know we ended on a bad note last year." A bad note? It had been more than that. She'd trusted him, she'd given him her heart and almost her virginity and he had thrown it all back in her face. He'd known it would be her first time when she was preparing to sleep with him, and all along he knew he was using her. What sort of person was prepared to take that off someone they cared nothing for?
"Well whose fault it that?" Rachel shot back, finally masking her surprise.
"Not as much mine as you'd like to think," he replied, his calm demeanour back.
With an angry sigh, Rachel went to leave again. Another ex back in her life was the last thing she needed with everything that was going on with Finn. She could not even begin to sort out the relationships she had, let alone dig up old ones to examine and torture herself over. Jesse was in the past, and that was where she wanted him to stay.
"I never meant to use you Rachel," he said, stopping her again. Dammit, why did he always do that? Why could he not just let her go? Why could she not just walk away?
"Save it Jesse," she snapped back, refusing to look at him, but she could feel his presence behind her. He had caught up the few steps she had made towards the till and was standing within inches of her. Ahead, Rachel could see the shop assistant watching them, as if they were a fascinating show on the television, and if it weren't for the fact she still didn't have her milk, and didn't actually want to talk to Jesse, Rachel would have dragged him outside for some privacy.
"If you didn't want to use me, then why did you not just say no? You could have told Vocal Adrenaline that you weren't doing it from the start, or even if it was afterwards your conscience kicked in, you could have told them you weren't going to hurt me and let me down gently. You especially did not have to dump eggs on my head. Don't give me 'I didn't mean to', Jesse, when you had every opportunity to back out!" Rachel's voice had risen slightly and she lowered it again with a sideways glance at the assistant.
She glared at him, clutching the milk harder than was necessary in one hand, but Jesse's face remained calm. He didn't look half as wound up as she was, but a tiny flash of something that resembled guilt shot through his eyes, but then it was gone again and Rachel wondered if she had imagined it completely.
"I didn't do it for Vocal Adrenaline," he said, calmly. "Whatever you may think about them, this was not some elaborate plot to break your heart before Regionals."
"Then what was it?" She had raised her voice again. The assistant was shooting her dirty looks. Rachel took a deep breath to calm herself, and slammed the milk down onto the nearest shelf. It was cold and it didn't look as if she was going to be purchasing it any time soon.
"I did it because Shelby asked me to."
For once, Rachel was stunned into silence. She must have heard him wrong. Shelby? As in her mother? What reason would she ever have to ask a student to use had and then fling her aside like yesterday's trash? But then, what reason would her mother ever have to treat her in the exact same way herself? Anger began to course through her, so strong that she barely heard what Jesse was saying. He was trying to explain it to her, but the only person Rachel wanted an explanation from was Shelby herself.
"...contact you herself." Rachel had no idea how that sentence had started, and neither did she care. She was too angry to think of anything but confronting the woman that had rejected and abandoned her time and time again. With a cry of fury, Rachel turned on her heel and that time she didn't stop, not even when Jesse called after her and the shop assistant muttered about time wasters. She didn't care about either of them, all she cared about was finding her mother and giving her a little piece of everything she had kept so deeply inside of herself.
And all the time she could feel mommy's girl burning on beneath her clothes.
Well I was going to write the confrontation in this chapter, but decided to split it so it will be in the next one instead. I think this will end up really long otherwise, and whereas there's nothing much wrong with that, it will just be easier to split it. And that way you can get this update sooner.
Also, I am about to have a rant about the lateset Glee epiosde (Asian F), so if you haven't seen it, stop reading.
1. Why is Kurt being so hard on Rachel about running alongside him? I was talking to my friend Jodie who recently ran for school council and asked if she would have been upset if I'd decided to run too, and she said she wouldn't have cared, it's a free country. Rachel is well within her right to do as she pleases and the best person will win.
2. Why is he mad at Rachel, but not Blaine, who accepted the role of Tony in the play after telling Kurt he wasn't going to go for it? It's basically the same concept, so why is he being super sweet to Blaine about the whole thing, yet yelling at Rachel?
3. Mercedes. End of point, she just annoyed me.
4. Is it just me, or has everyone else always got the impression Mr Schue doesn't think much of Rachel? She is not his favourite by a long shot.
5. It is high time Rachel also had a massive go at someone.
6. And another thing about Kurt (I do love him, don't get me wrong), he was hardly sweetness and light to Rachel in season 1 and half of 2, and he's never apologised for any of it. Neither has Finn, and Shelby was all like 'I want to have a relationship with you' but she is also yet to say the words 'I'm sorry'. The only one who has ever said he's sorry is Puck, so kudos to him.
Anyway, sorry for the really long author's note/rant, I just wanted to moan and thought who better to moan to than a Glee fandom, who are all on my side about Rachel being mistreated by her 'friends' (otherwise you wouldn't be reading this).