Trigger warning. I don't even like Shelby, I don't know why I'm bringing her into this yet again, but my stories have this annoying habit of writing themselves.
She was not even half way down the street when Rachel felt someone grab her arm in a tight enough grip to stop her in her tracks, but not hard enough to hurt. She swung around, so furious she wanted to hit whoever it was who had stopped her from confronting her mother. Jesse. Of course. He never knew when to just leave her alone. Rachel wrenched her arm out of his hold and glared at him so furiously that even he backed up a step.
"Just stop," he commanded, his face hardening at the sight of her scowl. "I know Shelby, she coached throughout my high school life and the last thing she's going to appreciate if you breaking down her door and storming in there screaming."
"I don't care!" Shouted Rachel, so loudly that it instantly made her throat burn. She could not explain why she was so angry. Jesse's revelation gave her the right to be mad, but she had moved on from him long ago and she had no contact with her mother, so there was no rational part of her that should be so furious. All she knew was that the anger was coursing through her veins so strongly that she wanted to scream and tear apart whatever she could get her hands on. "What on earth makes you think that I am going to consider her feelings for one moment when she has done nothing but carefully plan how best to stomp all over mine?"
"No offence Rachel, but I know her better than you do and she did not set out to hurt you." Rachel shook her head, refusing to believe him. If Shelby had never meant to hurt her, then why had she tossed her aside after just a couple of days, having never really given it a chance to know her. Why had she rejected her again, when she had asked that she simply help coach her Glee Club, just as she had done for hundreds of nameless strangers over the years? Why had she asked Jesse to reel her in and spit her cruelly back out?
"That's exactly it Jesse," she said, her voice suddenly much quieter. "You know her better than I do, you are nothing more than her student and I am her daughter. Do you not see how messed up that is? How much it hurts?" Rachel wiped away the tear that had escaped down her left cheek, turning her anger in on herself for giving into her emotions and crying.
Jesse called after her when she turned away from him once again and resumed her previous mission of storming towards where she knew her mother lived, but he didn't chase her. Perhaps he realised it was something she needed to do. Or maybe he just didn't care about anyone else but himself, just as she had last judged as he left her alone and dripping with raw egg in her school parking lot.
…
Rachel heard her mother before she saw her. She heard her voice for the second time that month; the first, it had felt as if she had pushed the knife she had shoved in Rachel's heart the year before in even deeper, just to make sure it never came out. The second, it sounded angry and impatient as she shouted to the person trying to pound down her door to have some consideration and patience. Rachel ignored her and continued right on pounding until the door swung open, and then she was there, her mother, standing right in front of her and looking just as surprised as Rachel was angry.
"Rachel," she said, curtly. She did not look pleased to see her estranged daughter, and neither did she invite her in, which only fuelled Rachel's anger. She could not stand the way her mother was stood there looking so calm when she felt as if she could scream, or just fall to the floor and never pick herself up again.
"How could you?" Rachel demanded, crossing her arms over her chest to prevent them physically shaking from anger. She could not understand the fury that had overcome her. It was the same as how she had felt when Finn walked in on her and Noah, only worse. Then, once she had shouted and stormed, it was enough for her to calm down. That time, she had already done those things and it had only made her even more angry. Shelby did not bat an eyelid at Rachel's obvious fury, but simply looked at her as if she were no one more than the milkman.
"Can we not do this outside?" Was all she said,holding the door open wider for Rachel to come in. She was tempted to stay standing on the doorstep and do just the opposite to what her mother was asking, but she herself didn't particularly want a street scene. As dramatic and interesting as it would be, the issue was between herself and her mother, and had nothing to do with the rest of Lima. With another glare in Shelby's direction, Rachel stormed into the house.
From the way she was looking at her, Rachel could tell her mother was not taking her seriously. She was staring her out as if she were a kid with a tantrum. Of course, that's what she always was. A moody child, nothing to be taken seriously. Even the scars that maimed her skin were just her over reacting, being a drama queen as usual. There she was, more angry than she could ever remember being in her life, and the woman that had caused that anger was as casual as if she had just came over to borrow some sheet music.
"Look, Rachel, we've been through this. Time and time again, you can't keep doing this," she sighed, and Rachel felt another pang of rejection. She had not even asked her for anything, yet Shelby was still telling her to back off and leave her to her perfect life with her replacement daughter. Rachel scowled at her.
"I'm not here about that! You made your feelings perfectly clear and I am very aware of where I stand with you. What I don't understand is why you throwing me aside like an unwanted Christmas present wasn't enough! Why did you have to ask Jesse to use me too?" Shelby sighed, finally cottoning on to what Rachel was talking about. She had hoped they could both manage to go a lifetime without that coming up, but the hope, it seemed, had been too much to believe in.
"There's no need to shout Rachel. I did not ask Jesse to use you. My words were 'befriend her', and I never asked him to hurt you the way he did. I had serious words with him about that, believe me." But Rachel didn't believe her. She had never shown one ounce of evidence that she cared anything about her daughter's feelings, let alone enough to fall out with her perfect student over. The student that was obviously so much better than she was.
"NO!" Rachel cried, too angry for composure. "You must have known what he was like, you've known him a long time. You asked him to beguile me in order to do what? Use him as a tool in your twisted little experiment? What was the point mom, in asking him to do anything at all only to cut all ties with me after just two days."
Shelby sighed again, sounding more irritated than sorry, but a flash of something that could be mistaken for guilt shot through her eyes before they once again hardened and she went back to looking at Rachel as if she couldn't wait to be rid of the bump in her otherwise perfect life.
"It is not my fault that things didn't work out between us. I know you weren't happy with the way things panned out, neither was I, but I'm not ready for this Rachel. Neither of us are. Now I would appreciate it if you could lower your voice. There is a baby sleeping upstairs."
Rachel flinched. She had forgotten all about Beth, but now she remembered, it was like the tiny girl had morphed into a gorge, pushing the divide between herself and her mother to even greater lengths. Any other time, she would have traded to speaking more quietly, but under the circumstances, she did not owe her mother anything. And it hurt to know Shelby was so concerned with Beth waking up and crying, yet was acting as if Rachel's obvious distress was nothing more than a fly buzzing around the room.
"Things didn't work out between us because you were not prepared to fight for a relationship. The chase was just so glorious, wasn't it? Just another fun project in your life, something to occupy the long lonely hours. But then you had me, and just like everyone else who has ever set eyes on me, you decided I wasn't good enough."
The conversation was no longer about Jesse. It never really had been. That news had just been the straw that broke the camel's back. Rachel could even understand her mother's motives there, her adoption had been a closed one and she would not have been allowed to contact her until she was of age. Using Jesse meant Shelby could get in touch with her without breaking any laws, and despite her accusations, Rachel knew her mother had probably not known what Jesse was going to do, or what he could really be like. What she was truly mad about was everything that surrounded the boy that had tied them both together.
"I'm not doing this right now. We've discussed this, you know my reasons for not wanting to-"
"Yes, I've heard your reasons," Rachel interrupted. "And I have no wish to hear them again."
The door swung open without warning and both Rachel and Shelby turned toward it, jumping slightly as if they had forgotten the rest of the world existed. Jesse strode into the house, glancing from mother to daughter and back again. He took in Rachel's face, twisted with anger and hurt and Shelby's calm one, masked of all emotion. "I told you not to come here," he said to Rachel, as if they were in a thriller movie, but somehow, from his lips, it sounded chilling rather than cheesy. She glared at him.
"You have no more right to dictate what I do than she does," she said, coldly, gesturing with her head towards her mother. Rachel turned back to Shelby, her glare going stronger.
"Do you want to know what I hope?" She said, quietly. " I hope Beth grows up to hate you, I hope she does everything she can to avoid spending time with you, because then you will know what it feels like to love somebody who wants nothing more than to push you out of their lives without a backward glance."
For the first time since Rachel had practically knocked down the door, Shelby looked as furious as she felt. Recognising the danger signs, Jesse stepped between them, taking Rachel by the shoulders and staring right into her face. "Rachel. Stop," he growled, his fingers digging into her shoulder blades. "That's enough."
Had she not been so determined not to show that amount of weakness in front of them, Rachel would have burst into tears. Why was no one ever on her side? After years of taunting, she had finally snapped back and it was her Mr Schue chose to blame. It was always the same story, even when she was a child and one of her dads would get mad, the other one would never defend her against him, even if the anger was irrational. She had faced rejection after rejection from her mother, and now, as she wished the same on her, Jesse was condemning her for the trouble.
But Jesse must have seen the expression on her face change from fury to just plain hurt, because his hands travelled down her arms and settled on her waist, his thumbs stroking her sides, soothingly. Only his touch felt all wrong. It did not have the same, calming quality it once had, it could no longer make her feel special and wanted and like she actually meant something. He had been in her life at a time she had felt most rejected, and he had made her feel wanted. But now his touch just sent a shiver shooting through her body.
"Calm down," he murmured, his thumbs still running along her sides. Then they ran along the deep and still painful cuts that littered her stomach, and having not expected it, Rachel could not help the cry of pain that fell from her lips. She knew that Jesse had heard it too from the way his gaze became all the more intense. His fingers closed around the hem of her top, but before he could lift it and reveal her secret to the one person she would go the most lengths to hide it from, Rachel pushed his hands away and backed out of his hold.
Jesse watched her, his eyes following every step she took and behind him, Rachel could see her mother, her gaze flickering between the two of them with confusion knitted within her features. "Lift up your top," said Jesse, quietly, an order rather than request.
"I believe I have every right to refuse that," Rachel shot back, but she could hear the tremble in her own voice and knew neither of the others would have missed it. She had to leave. Jesse was right, she should never have even come. He took a step towards her, as if to force her into his command, but Rachel had expected him and backed to the door, pulling it open ready to run out if he came anywhere near her.
Just before she walked out of it, Rachel turned back to her mother, fixing her gaze upon her hard, confused one and quiet calmly, she said: "You'd better go, your daughter needs you." Then she stepped outside and slammed the door behind her, listening as right on cue a piercing cry broke out from inside.
Just to make one thing clear before questions arise, this is not going to be St Berry. Never ever, ever, ever, ever. I hate the pairing. Jesse is manipulative and secretive and Rachel is trusting. Lethal combination. I know people will disagree and insist Finn's the creep, but let's not get into a fight here. Just no St Berry. Ever.
Review? Pretty please with a Nargle on top?