Trigger warning. I forgot Finn and Rachel aren't together in this fic and just started to write a Finchel scene before realising.
It was getting harder. She had gone to Shelby and splashed her feelings around the hall for both of them to see, and now reigning them back in was impossible. Rachel tried. She really did. But then she would be talking to Kurt and a wave of despair would hit her with barely any prior warning, and she'd suddenly be on the verge of tears; she blinked them away and carried on the conversation as normal, but she heard the pain in her own voice, and she knew he heard it too. Sometimes, she'd just lapse into silence without even realising she was doing it until she heard Kurt or Noah's voice drifting to her from somewhere far away and she was snapped back into reality.
She still hadn't gone back to glee. She told Kurt, in a typical Rachel fashion, that she wasn't going back until they learned to appreciate her talent, but she was pretty sure he didn't buy it. He'd just look at her, sadly, and Rachel knew he was remembering what she had said before she had walked out. She had meant what she said. She wasn't going back, not that time. She really was done. It was too hard trying to pretend she didn't care that she so clearly loved them all so much more than they were ever going to love her.
They were a family, that's what Mr Schue, and even the others always said, but if that were true, she was the outcast. The one everyone put up with because of blood ties but didn't actually like. But she was tired of that, tired of being the trophy only used to make the family mantelpiece look more shiny. Rachel was sure they wouldn't miss her, perhaps when it come to Regionals they might, they'd need her voice, but they certainly wouldn't miss her in meetings.
Puck had said she made him want to light himself on fire. Artie had called her "totally irritating". Quinn wanted to punch her in the face every time she spoke. Santana thought she was good for no more than to insult. Finn thought she was capable of sleeping with Puck when she was still with him. Mercedes thought she was self absorbed and mean. Even Mr Schue thought she was too selfish to be a part of Glee Club, so she wasn't going to be anymore. It was too much hard work with nothing to gain. It would be so much easier to disappear that way.
So Rachel began to go through the motions. She went to school. She attended all of her classes. She met up with Kurt once he was done with Glee and at weekends. Sometimes, Finn joined them and Rachel didn't mind, as long as she wasn't alone with him too much, and he didn't try and be anymore than her friend. The direction was the same, but she had changed character, she had played the part so often that she no longer felt the emotion that came with being. It was just a role, her own life had become nothing more than a show.
…
Rachel held her bag firmly to her shoulder as she walked with her head down along the hall. Lately, she had taken to invisibility. She no longer wanted to be noticed by everyone around her, she no longer wanted to be the centre of attention, she no longer wanted the spotlight. Being noticed was overrated, all it had ever got her was slushies in the face, several shoves into the lockers, derogatory comments on her my space page and painful insults.
When she tried to make herself noticed, she repelled people. They hated that side of her because they only noticed the outside show face. They noticed the arrogance, the confidence and forever happy personality. They didn't notice her, not the person underneath the one who spoke before thinking and more often than not ended up offending someone. The girl underneath that almost always did the right thing, even if she couldn't always say it, she cared about the people around her, and was kind to them, even when they were not kind to her. But all anyone ever chose to see was the bad. Even the kids from Glee avoided her in the corridor, they thought she was still furious with them, and in turn had decided they were going to be angry with her. It was only Kurt who seemed to realise she was not mad, just sad.
But her not being noticed wasn't going as well as she had hoped. Rachel felt something heavy slam into her shoulder, coming so unexpectedly that she was once again thrown into the lockers she was passing, her head slamming into one of the metal doors. She gasped in pain, her hand immediately flying to her temple. She turned around just in time to see Karofsky storming down the corridor, not even looking back at the damage he had caused.
That had been his new way of bullying her for some time. He'd deliberately knock into her and continue walking as if nothing had happened, or be casually sitting in the cafeteria with his legs stretched out so she fell over them with her lunch tray. Sometimes he would walk past her while she rummaged in her locker, his fingers brushing against her behind as he went. All 'accidents' of course. He could torment her and no one would ever notice.
With trembling hands, Rachel pushed herself away from the lockers and wrapped her hands around the strap of her bag, holding it even tighter. She wished she had an invisibility cloak so she could disappear completely. With her head down, she didn't notice Kurt running up behind her, and struggled to hold back a scream as he broke his run by grabbing hold of her shoulders, fearing it was Karofsky again.
"Kurt!" she sighed in relief when she saw who it was. "Don't do that, you scared me."
"I was trying to," he replied, kindly. Rachel scowled at him. Then it came again. The urge to tell him everything if only so she didn't have to feel so alone. It would be easy, he already knew there was something wrong, she wasn't attending Glee anymore, Finn had told her himself that Kurt was worried. All she'd have to do was tell him she lied that day on the lake. But one look at the smile on his face and she couldn't do it. She couldn't be the one to wipe that away.
Instead, she took his hand in hers, clasping it tightly. Telling him was impossible, but feeling him beside her, his hand in hers, was a comfort. She knew from the way his fingers closed around her hand in return without question that when she was ready to tell him, he would listen.
...
Since Rachel had broken up with Finn and Blaine had late Warbler practice, Friday night had become her and Kurt's 'date night'. Every week, at 7.00 o'clock, Kurt would knock on Rachel's door dressed in the only boyish outfit he had in his closet as he had practically disappeared the one and only time he had tried to wear Finn's clothes. For the night, the two would appear the perfect couple. Holding hands wherever they walked, bickering pointlessly about what type of popcorn to buy at the movies, and then again over which row they would sit in.
But for the first time, Rachel found herself dreading the date rather than looking forward to it. There was no rational reason she would not want to go, she loved Kurt, she loved their dates, she loved the performance they put on to the world, and that night they had planned to go and see a local performance of Funny Girl, and harshly critique it throughout, as well as joining in with every line and song, but her heart just wasn't in it. She did not want to get ready and go out. She did not want to put on a face for another few hours and pretend she was still the happy person she had once been. She just didn't want to be with anyone.
Just as she reached for her phone, quickly checking her clock to make sure it wasn't too late to cancel, the shrill sound of the doorbell rang through the house. Rachel's hope of spending an evening alone plummeted. He was early. And he was going to freak at her, she wasn't even dressed, having changed into her pyjamas as soon as she got in, and her hair was tied in a messy bun to the back of her head. Perhaps they could stay in and watch the movie.
The doorbell rang again and Rachel trailed slowly down the stairs to answer it, not bothering to call out that she was on her way. She didn't much care if Kurt gave up and left, she would just call him later with an excuse, tell him she was sorry but her dads came home early and insisted they go out for a meal. She hated lying to him, but being forced to do it on a daily basis was making it less and less of a chore. At least that time it would be a white lie purely in place to spare his feelings.
But much to her disappointment, the person didn't go away, and the closer Rachel got to the door, the less they looked like her best friend. For a start, it was clearly a woman, and as much as Kurt was often mistaken for one, Rachel was used to him enough to be able to tell the difference. Which must mean it was someone there to see her dads. The dads that were not going to be there until Sunday night. Rachel hated this part, she was seventeen, but many people still seemed to think that was too young to be left alone for days. Personally, she thought it was good practise for when she went to college in little over a year.
The speech was already prepared in her mind as Rachel flung open the door, but all words quickly erased themselves from her mind when she saw who was on the other side.
"Rachel, I need to speak to your dads, are they in?" Demanded Shelby, striding right past her without waiting for an invitation inside the house. Rachel stared at her, guessing her mother must have felt much the same way when she came knocking on her door a few days ago. Her visit was so unexpected, that Rachel could not even find an answer for that simple question, although it must have already been obvious to Shelby that they were not. Not only were their cars not on the drive, but other than her own voice, there was no other sound inside the house.
"No," said Rachel, bluntly. She didn't feel like explaining to her mother where they were, and her mind was still too blank to come up with anything.
"Well where are they, do you know when they will be back?" Rachel wanted to say something about just striding right into people's houses without invitation, but that would be too hypocritical of her to voice, and at least Shelby wasn't shouting. But what on earth could she want with her dads? Was she going to talk to them about her? Get them to ask her to back off and leave her mother alone? If that was the case, she was wasting her time. Rachel well and truly had the message.
"Sunday." Finally, Shelby turned to face her daughter with raised eyebrows. She stared her up and down, noticing first the pyjamas, which was weird enough at 6.45. But perhaps Rachel was one of those people who changed as soon as she got home from school, finding pyjamas more comfortable to mooch around the house in. But she also looked paler than the last time Shelby had seen her and much thinner since they had said goodbye.
"I could pass on a message if you would like," offered Rachel, the first actual sentence she had so far said, and Rachel herself was surprised to hear no anger in her voice. She wanted to still be furious, but the anger had left her almost as soon as she had stormed from Shelby's house. She didn't regret what she had done, and she was not sorry for shouting, but neither did she have the energy to hold a grudge. Anger just ate her up from the inside out, it twisted and blackened her insides. Anger was all consuming and would turn her into one of those who had done so much wrong by her, and there was still enough of herself left for Rachel to know she didn't want to become that.
At least, that's what Rachel tried to tell herself. Anger wasn't good for her, it would no nothing to assist her Broadway career. She'd need to smile, be plesant to her fans, in interviews and auditions. She couldn't storm in there with a scowl and expect to get the part. So she plastered on a smile, she forced negative resentment to the back of her mind, but it was still there. It would come out unexpectedly in the form of a rare mean comment, or an angry outburst at not receiving a solo. She'd shout and storm when she didn't really care at all, she was just so furious with the world that the anger couldn't be surpressed any longer. But that was irrational, and rarely acceptable, so Rachel kept it on a down low. She forgave people, she tried to be the person she imagined from the start, but sometimes, it was just so hard not to be angry.
"No," replied Shelby, taking on Rachel's habit of one word sentences. "There's something I need to talk to them about alone," she added when Rachel's face fell. Well that confirmed it. She was going to get them to ask Rachel to back off, and since they had never really wanted Shelby in her life anyway, they would be more than happy to oblige. She wanted to tell her mother not to bother, she knew just where she stood with her, but the words wouldn't come.
Shelby was still watching her, in a way that Rachel was beginning to find uncomfortable. She had come to see her dads, and they weren't in, so why didn't she just leave? Clearly the visit was awkward for both of them. But her mother was watching her like she was trying to find answers in her image, almost as if she wanted Rachel to do or say something specific, but clueless as to what she wanted, Rachel stood there and said nothing, she barely even moved.
The Shelby's eyes widened slightly and her eyebrows raised even further. Rachel turned away, withering under her mother's gaze. She was looking at her like...like she was a failing student daring to ask for a glowing reference. Like she was nothing worthy, someone she barely even knew the name of, let alone cared for. Rachel was concentrating so hard on not giving way to the threatening tears that she barely heard her mother's next words.
"What did you do to your head?" It took Rachel a few seconds to catch on to what she was talking about, and even then she was lost as to why Shelby would be asking about it. Even her dads barely noticed new scraps and bruises left there by Karofsky and his football team. But she couldn't tell Shelby that. Her mother thought she was enough of a loser as it was without adding to it by admitting she was the school's target.
"I-I fell during dance class," she lied, knowing at once that her acting skills had failed her. She had stammered, which was the first sure sign that someone was lying, and she had not looked at Shelby. She'd also hesitated before answering. She'd have to work on that in the future. At least the slip up had been in front of the person who was least likely to care and not Kurt or Noah, or even her dads, who did care about her, even if they weren't always the best at showing it.
"You know, I think I do need to talk to you after all," Shelby decided, throwing Rachel into an instant panic. She didn't want to talk to her mother. Having her sit down with her dads and tell them Rachel needed to leave her alone would be bad enough, but hearing another rejection with her own ears would be even worse.
"I'm afraid that won't be possible, I was about to begin the procedure of getting ready to go out when you arrived. I shall just make this easier on both of us and promise you now that need not have anything more to do with me."
Shelby frowned and opened her mouth to respond, but before she could say a word the doorbell rang again, much to Rachel's relief. Although Kurt was going to kill her when he saw she was wearing her pyjamas and hadn't even began to do anything to her hair. She turned back to the door, opening it to let him in as she mentally prepared herself for his outrage.
"Well that was fast," said Kurt I surprise. "Do you hang on the other side of that door eagerly awaiting my arrival."
"What else would I do with my Friday evening?" she replied, just as Kurt caught sight of Shelby standing behind her. It was his turn to raise his eyebrows.
"I'll explain later," Rachel promised before he could say anything and opened the door wider, inviting him inside.
Finally realising she had outstayed her welcome, Shelby started towards the door, but just before she left, she turned back to Rachel and told her on no uncertain terms that she still needed to speak to her and her fathers, and she would come back at another time. Rachel stared after her in surprise and felt a slight surge of anger shoot through her. Was Rachel's word not enough? Did she have to make sure she hurt and humiliated her as much as possible?
"What in the name of Prada was that all about?" Kurt's voice startled Rachel, in the few seconds she had focused her attention back on her mother, she had almost forgotten he was there.
"Nothing important," she said, matter of factly. "She just wants a word with my dads to make sure the message hits home that she wants nothing more to do with me."
The curious look fell away from Kurt's face which was suddenly filled with a pity that made Rachel want to run as far away from him as she could get. Instead, she plastered on her show face and gestured to her pyjamas. "You've arrived just in time to help me chose my least offending outfit to impress," she said, brightly, and before Kurt could say another word, she'd dashed past him and up the stairs, leaving an empty space in front of him where is best friend had once stood.
Another thing that annoyed me about the latest episode was when Mercedes said that no one wants to hurt Rachel's feelings. Not being funny, but she's insulted in every episode and no one really makes a secret of the fact that she's just a good voice. I get that she's pissed about always taking the back seat, but there's a reason for that which has nothing to do with Rachel. Jesse was right (and I hate the dude, so I would not admit that unless I really believed it), she's lazy. She demands things, but isn't prepared to fight for them. That said, I have nothing against Mercedes and get that she's getting tired of not being in the spotlight.
Thanks so much for all your reviews from the last chapter, I wasn't expecting that many, but not complaining :) If you all want to do it again, that's fine ;)