Hey guys! This is chapter fourteen of the novel, and you see some self-hatred with Rachel, and how she's dealing with the consequences of her decisions. Uhm, also, to 'Eiliora' I was not trying to drag on my story thank you very much, I will have you know that I've had this story plan since the beginning of October. And also, with the selfish Rachel part, it's all about how she grows up and learns from her mistakes, so please keep your negative opinion to yourself, and don't call my novel stupid in my review section, thank you! Anyways, aside from that, I hope Rachel brings herself justice in this chapter, hope you enjoy my lovelies!

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Chapter Fourteen:

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

Rachel stared helplessly at the ceiling above her, her eyes drooping sadly at the blank form. She pressed the ice bag closer to her face, wincing as a sharp pain coursed through her, the ghost of Santana's slap still imprinted on her skin.

A small droplet of water fell slowly from her weary eyes, the tear falling lightly to the pillow beneath her head. She stared silently at the pack of used tissues beside her, a choked breath releasing from deep in her throat.

The feeling of his hands on her skin, lips on her lips, flashed endlessly through her mind; electrifying her self-hatred towards her stupid and selfish personality. She knew she screwed up, she knew she ruined the one relationship with the man that she adored dearly. She had to keep herself away from him, away from any feelings she stored for him. She didn't want to face him again, apologize over and over and relive the broken expression on his face. Everyone will be better with her not in their live, it would all just be better if she just disappeared.

Rachel hated herself. She avoided any form of reflection that would show her disgusting and life-sucking self. Her heart barely made a beat, and at some points, she thought it stopped beating all together, because Rachel just isn't Rachel anymore. She let her ambitions get the best of her, something that was only minor back in high school. And now, now it destroyed her life, ruined the friendship she should have been saving instead of making things worse.

Everything about her was weak. She couldn't move, couldn't speak. She's been locked up in her room for two days, avoiding any voice that could be heard from the outside walls of her small bedroom. The fire that was once lit in Rachel Berry was replaced with absolute failure. She had no will to try anymore, no strength to make amends with the people she screwed up with. She couldn't bare to face the disappointment and rage that would spark their expressions when they saw her, not wanting to listen to her defense. And the worst thing is, she couldn't even find the will to try and changes their minds, try to get them to give her a second chance. Rachel Berry gave up.

A light knock on her bedroom door awoke her form her thoughts, as Rachel's blood thickened at the unexpected visitor standing in front of her, leaning against the doorframe. She sat up on her mattress, pushing the evidence of tears from her face as the person walked towards her, closing the door behind him, his face a serious tone.

Kurt sat down beside her on the bed, his small body forming a dent in the soft mattress. He stared at her, his eyes flickering to the messy interior of her room, and back to her.

"So this is what you've been doing the past two days?" he mumbled lowly, smiling sadly. Rachel gazed at him in shock, his thoughtful tone surprising her. Her lips trembled tearfully as the anger she expected to explode from the tiny man in front of her never came. Her mouth opened dryly, but no sound came out as a silent cry formed on her lips, her face falling to the palm of her hands.

She felt Kurt's soothing hands rubbing her back comfortingly, whistling lowly at her. "Sh, sh, it's okay," he cooed, shifting closer to her on the bed. She shook her head in bewilderment, looking up from the pool of water in her hands.

"No Kurt, it's not okay, I'm not okay. I'm the worst person for doing that to you, inviting Jesse when I knew the kind of person he was . . . Kurt, it's anything but okay, and I'm sorry I'm the reason why it's not." Rachel stared at him through her thick tears, her body shuddering at the unwanted feelings. She tilted her head to the end of the bedroom, where her suitcase lay flat on the floor. "I've been thinking about packing," she whispered, "I know you don't want me to share the apartment with you guys anymore. I mean I don't even have a job to pay for half of the rent, I should have left months ago."

Kurt gasped, his hand flying to the heart of his chest. "I beg your pardon, Ms. Rachel Berry thinking about leaving without a fight? What is happening to the world . . .?"

Rachel smiled sadly at him, giggling at his attempted efforts. Her face fell when she was brought back to reality. No, Kurt wasn't trying to make her feel better; he hates her. She looked up at him in speculation, watching as he nudged her shoulder playfully. "Come on drama queen, I was expecting something much more dramatic from you," he teased.

Rachel stared at him, confused by his joking attitude. She shook her head in disbelief, closing her eyes as she held her hands up in front of her, her palms facing Kurt. "Wait . . . so, are you . . . do you hate me or not?" she blurted, frustrated by his mixed signals. Kurt glared at her in shock, his cheerful smile wiping miserably from his face by a deep frown. "Rachel, what are you talking about?"

She stared at him blankly. Kurt, I – I betrayed you. You trusted me to keep Jesse in control, I ruined your opening night, I allowed Jesse to crimple your boyfriend's face, I made you leave without us on the night of the gala, and I . . . worst of all, I didn't even stand up for you a-and your telling me you don't hate me?" she laughed sarcastically, almost bitterly, at the thought. "Kurt, even I hate me. I hate myself for not doing anything about Jesse, for even inviting him in the first place; I hate myself for destroying my friendships with you, and so many other people who I also betrayed. I hate myself for being possibly the worst best friend in the world, while you were probably the best."

Kurt stared at her longingly, his eyelashes flapping with tears at her soul-full speech and declaration. He shook his head knowingly at her, smiling sadly at the sorrowful girl in front of him. "Oh honey," he whispered, capturing a few strands of tears falling liquidly down her face, "stop beating yourself up about this. We've all made mistakes, just because you made more than one does not mean you're a bad person. It means you're human, and that you're normal. I refuse to judge you on your bad taste in boys, and blindness in love. I will never hate you sweetheart; I was hurt, yes, but hatred? I don't think so." Rachel began to shake her head in disagreement before he even finished talking, her tears becoming too thick for her to see through. She sobbed harshly into her hands, exhaling chokingly.

"Don't you get it Kurt? I messed up one of the most special events in your life. I don't understand how you can sit there and try to make me feel better. I'm an idiot, I'm a stupid, stupid idiot, and I'm just so damn sorry. Just please tell me you can forgive me, please," she begged, taking his smooth hands in hers. He nudged on his lip hesitantly, picking her chin up with his free finger. He looked seriously into her eyes, nodding his head. "Before I forgive you, I think you need to forgive yourself first," he whispered softly. Rachel's throat clogged at his words, the truth of his sentence idling funnily with her feelings. Her mouth opened to respond, although a light knock on the door interrupted her before she had the chance to speak.

Puck stood in the doorframe, his arms crossed tightly over his pumped chest. Rachel looked up at him unexpectedly. "Noah?" she questioned, her eyes arching together as she desperately tried to cover the tears that continued to fall down her face. Puck smirked, rolling his eyes. "Always the tone of surprise."

Kurt sighed heavily, looking once more at Rachel before standing up from the cushioned mattress. "I'll just be in the kitchen," he noted, and Rachel nodded at him firmly. He smiled sadly at her, silently letting himself out of the room. Rachel stared after the ghost of his path, avoiding eyes with Puck as he set forward, his fists clenched at his side.

"So," he began as he relaxed beside her on the bed, "I haven't seen you in a while."

Rachel laughed sarcastically, saying nothing else as she stared at the blank wall in front of her. Puck noticed her resistance, exhaling deeply, waiting for her to make the next move to talk.

Her mouth gaped open, and Puck sat up in anticipation. "How is he?" she asked, the words coming out choked. Puck's expression softened at her question, gulping harshly as she turned to face him. "I haven't seen him since . . ."

He let the sentence trail off, not wanting to heighten Rachel's feelings with the memory of her mistakes. She got the message though, as her heart swelled at the remembrance of the night, a soft cry escaping her trembling lips.

"You were right Noah," she whispered lowly, locking eyes with him, "I really screwed up this time." A harsh sob sounded from the back of her throat, and she released it knowingly, letting the emotions flow out. "I'm just a stupid screw up. I haven't paid rent in almost a year because all the auditions I've been to never call me back. I haven't talked to my dads in about two months because I was so rounded up on trying to find a freaking boyfriend. Broadway doesn't want me, Sam didn't want me, my mom didn't want me . . .The only person who wanted me was him, but I screwed that up, too and now . . . God, I just really, really suck."

Pucks eyes widened as he stared at her in the aftermath of her self-hatred rant, her chest heaving heavily. She struggled to hold back a rack of sobs, covering her mouth with her hands to slow the process. He shook his head in disbelief, a sarcastic chuckle forming on his lips. "You gotta get over yourself."

Rachel stopped immediately, her head snapping towards him. She stared at him furiously; hurt crossing her features. "Excuse me?"

Puck shrugged. "You complain too much about how you feel, and how you ruined your relationship with everyone. But how about how you made them feel Rachel? You probably ruined more than one relationship that you're not in, because you influenced that person to be like that."

Rachel flinched at his words, knowing the name behind the word 'them' and 'they.' She clasped her hands together, shaking her head in disagreement. Before she could protest, although, Puck cut her off. "Damnit Rachel, sometimes it's not all about you, you need to learn the effect you have on other people, not just yourself. Don't you know how messed up Fi – they are?"

She winced at the sudden mishap, her heart thumping at the sound of his name almost being heard. Her blood pulsed heavily between her ears at his words, the cords of her heart being pulled painfully. "I'm not trying to make this any more worse than it already is Noah," she whispered lowly, shaking her head. Puck snorted, scrunching his nose.

"Really? Because it seems to me that you've been cooped up in here for the past two days mourning your loss, when you could be planning on a way to get back the boy you love – "

"W-what? I don't love Finn, Noah, you're being foolish."

Puck's lips formed tightly, twitching with unreleased comments. He stared coldly at her, shaking his head in disbelief. "Then you explain to me why you miss him so much, and why ever since you had sex you refuse to see him. Your being a coward, hiding from feelings you're afraid to show. You're so scared of ruining the one of the most stable relationship in your life that you won't even take the chance to strengthen it, because there's a risk it might fail. So you know what Rachel, I'm not going to sit here and watch you pretend everything's okay."

He hastily got up from his spot on the bed, his action causing the mattress to shift from underneath her. She gaped at him wordlessly, completely speechless. He turned around to face her, his expression hardened with frustration. "I've got to go home, clean up the mess you made, but refuse to fix. Have fun worrying about nothing but yourself."

And then he slammed the door on her broken face.

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Ah! Oh my gosh, so what did you think about that Puck and Rachel tension? You think Puck is being reasonable? Or is he being too harsh on Rach? Tell me in the review section below! Also, I just want to say, that I do very much accept constructive criticism, but please, I do not appreciate negative comments that are unnecessary. Uhm, also I have decided on what fanfic I'll be writing next and it is called 'The Runaways' with the main pairing being Finchel, and some Quick. It is a very, very dark novel so beware! Uhm, I will probably start it maybe a week after I'm done this book. Aside from that, I would like to say that this story will probably be finished on Friday, so soon I know! And ALSO don't give up on this story okay? Next chapter may or may not be the last time you see angst finchel haha! Alright my darlings, I love you all, and please review! ~ xoxoxoxoxoxoxo ~