Trigger warning. This was meant to be 20 chapters long, but then it went over and was 21, so now I have to make it longer to reach 25 chapters or the total number of chapters will not add up to a multiple of 5, and that will just annoy me.
A loud bang rung through Rachel's muddled head, and she groaned groggily, as the sound forced her awake. She heard someone hiss be quiet. A woman's voice. Now that was odd. As far as she knew, she was the only female who lived there, and she was asleep. Or at least, she was trying to be, but the continued voices were making it impossible. Was that shouting? Who on earth was making such a noise at that time of the night? Or was it night? Perhaps she had been asleep hours and it was time to get up. And who was that woman?
With another faint, sleep addled moan, Rachel slowly opened her eyes. The first thing she noticed was it was still dark, but that didn't mean it wasn't time to get up. With the snow that covered the town it looked that way every morning, even when she over slept yet again and only just woke in time to thrown on some clothes and run a brush through her hair. The second thing she noticed, was she was not in her room. It was her house, but not her room. From what she could see, Rachel guessed she was in the lounge. The third thing she noticed was that she definitely had not been dreaming up the woman's voice.
Confused, Rachel pushed herself into a sitting position with a yawn, wishing she could just go back to sleep, but curiosity got the better of her. Opening her eyes had not solved anything, it had only added yet more questions to her sleep filled brain. For one, why was she not in her room? But then the events of the previous night slammed into her with the force of Karofsky's shove and she ran her hand through her hair, pressing her palm to her temple. Her mother was there. She knew. So did her dads. Neither of them wanted anything to do with her.
Rachel squinted, peering through the dusty grey light to the clock at the other side of the room. Almost five. She was exhausted, but the thought of sleep seemed impossible, now she was awake, her mind was alive with dread and fear. Fear of how her parents were going to handle her, dread for the day of school ahead, fear of what Finn was going to say, dread for going through another day. She wished she could go up to her room and stay there, never having to face the world again, but the sound of raised voices from the kitchen was enough to keep her firmly in her dreaded reality.
She threw the blanket from her lap that had been placed there last night and stood up, swaying slightly as she did so. Her head still felt fuzzy with sleep and she longed to fall back on the couch and sleep the day away, but the empty feeling had began to creep into the pit of her stomach and she knew the only way to rid herself of the hollow ache that came with it was to get up and do something, because any feeling was better than the dreadful chasm that lived inside her.
Nerves rolled inside Rachel's stomach as she walked towards the kitchen and the sound of what promised to be a heated argument. She didn't want to get caught in the middle of it, but she was sure it was the sort of argument that would stop as soon as she walked into the room. It seemed her father was home, and by the sounds of it, he had been drinking.
"This has nothing to do with you," he snapped at Shelby, his voice growing louder with each word. "You haven't been in her life for the past seventeen years!"
"Only because of the contract that you made me sign! I'm the one who's been here all night to make sure she didn't take it a step further, while you were out drinking hell knows what into the small hours!"
Rachel rolled her eyes and rounded the corner leading to the kitchen. Shelby wasn't going to be the only one to immediately make that assumption. Kurt had not said anything, but she had seen the questions flashing behind his eyes, the worry that she would one day fail to show up at school and Miss Pillsbury had asked her directly if she had been having any suicidal thoughts. She had told her she hadn't, and it wasn't a lie, not really. She didn't want to die, Rachel knew that. There was just sometimes one moment or an entire evening when the thoughts would cross her mind, and refuse to go away. She would wonder how she would do it if it ever came to that point, but she'd never seriously considered actually going through with her plan. It had just been a comfort, something to get her through the endless nights.
"As much as the concern behind the gesture is appreciated, I can assure you a repeated episode of such shifts will not be necessary," said Rachel, breezing into the kitchen with much more confidence than she had, but that was nothing new to her. She had been acting since she had started school, it was a second nature to her. She opened the cupboard and took out a glass and filled it with water from the top before taking a sip. "I have no thoughts of suicide," she assured her mother, with no hint of aggression.
Leroy's eyes were fixed on her, and Rachel could feel his glare without even looking. "Really? Because you seem to be making a good attempt." She resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. Why could no one understand that the point of her hurting herself was so she didn't have to take her life? It was far from a suicide attempt, but she was never going to get anyone to understand that.
"I am not going to stand here and argue my mental state with you. All you need to know is that it was never my intent to take my life, and I plan for things to remain that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to start my exercise regime."
…
One and a half hours later, Rachel had actually done her routine for the first time in weeks, showered and changed into something that wasn't yesterday's dress. Because she still had time, she switched on her replaced curling irons to style her hair, because the alternative was going back downstairs to her father who was sure to pick a fight and mother who must have been more ashamed of her than she had already been.
Just as she began, there was a light knock at her door, and reluctantly, Rachel called for the person to come in. She didn't want to speak to anybody, but she had been raised to be polite, whatever the situation, and even though she often expressed herself in a way that could be seen as rude to some people, she was never intentionally impolite. Her heart sank when it was Shelby who entered. She had hoped that maybe Kurt was there to walk to school with her. Didn't she ever leave?
"Do you not have a home to go to?" She asked, not rudely. "Where's Beth?" Her mother's eyes widened slightly in surprise, before she remembered Rachel had been in the café. Of course she knew she had adopted Beth.
"She's with a babysitter," Shelby explained. "She was more than happy to work all night. I warned her I might be gone a while and phoned again to update her once you had fallen asleep." Shelby walked further into the room, and Rachel turned back to the mirror and continued to curl her hair.
"Ba-Rachel." Shelby paused, like she was struggling with her words and Rachel concentrated hard on her reflection so she didn't have to think about the unfolding conversation. She didn't like the tone her mother's voice had taken. She sounded sincere, afraid even and Rachel had never seen that side to her before. "I need you to swear to me you won't-" She didn't finish the sentence, there was no need. Rachel gripped the handle of the irons so tightly her knuckles turned white. She didn't want to make a promise she could not know for sure in her heart that she would always keep.
"Well that's just ridiculous, what about in the event that I am out of town, perhaps in New York pursuing my Broadway career and a bomb wipes out the whole of Lima, killing all my family and friends and leaving me without anyone in the world, and at the same time I am told without a doubt that my dreams are impossible due to my deviated septum."
"Rachel," Shelby warned whilst fighting back a smile. Her daughter had her argumentative streak, that was for sure. Rachel sighed dramatically, like a teenager being told she wasn't allowed out past midnight and finally turned to look at her mother, the irons still in her hand. "I-I promise," she stammered, her mind instantly picking apart her own words for a loophole. Shelby simply nodded.
"Thank-you,'" she said, as if Rachel had passed her the salad and an awkward silence fell between them, one of the first they had in a long while. The previous night, Rachel had been too distracted by thoughts of her dads and everything that was going on around her to care about pauses in the conversation. As a distraction, she went back to the task of curling her hair. A quick glance at the clock told her it wasn't even seven. Perhaps she'd stop at a nearby café for breakfast and text Kurt to tell him to meet her there. She was going to need somebody to walk into school with.
The sound of Funny Girl burst suddenly around the room as her phone shot to life, and Rachel jumped, the curling iron slipping from her grasp. Without thinking, she lunged for it, seizing it by the burning metal. She gasped and dropped it again instantly. Eyes watering with pain, Rachel bent down and picked up the iron, that time by the handle and put it safely on her heat resistant mat before sweeping into the bathroom to tend to her burning hand.
She held it under the running tap, relief washing through her as the ice water numbed her to the pain. Then Shelby was staring back at her through the mirror and Rachel gasped in shock for the third time in under a minute. Wordlessly, her mother held out her phone. She had a missed call from Kurt. Rachel took it with a grateful smile and pressed the call button while her screen still flashed with his name. Shelby was still watching her through the mirror, and she was relieved when Kurt picked up on the first ring, giving her a welcome distraction from the unsettling feeling in her stomach.
"Sorry, curling iron incident. What was the reason for your call?" Rachel spoke coolly, still angry with him for revealing her secret to what may as well be the entire student body.
"I called to warn you in advance about everyone else," Kurt chirped, not seeming to notice her tone.
Before Rachel could ask him what he was talking about, he hung up. Frowning in confusion, she pocketed her phone and immediately felt the agitation attack her once again at the sight of her mother's face in the mirror. Rachel didn't like the way she was looking at her, it was the same look she wore herself when Noah swore, of Finn refused to defend her. It was a look of disappointment and disapproval. And she had actually started to think that maybe Shelby was a little bit on her side, even if she wasn't going to stick around to fight with her.
"Did you do that on purpose?" Shelby asked, bluntly, her stare hardening. Rachel's own expression turned stony in response and she glared at the glass so intensely she half expected it to crack. Her mother glared back at her, just as furiously.
"If I was going to hurt myself, I would have not done so in your presence. I would also have used an alternative method as this is insufficient. It just plain hurts." Rachel drew her hand from under the stream of water to inspect it. There were several streaks of red across her fingers and palm and as soon as it was out of the cold relief, it began to burn painfully.
"Is that not the point?" Without warning, tears began to slide down Rachel's cheeks, she had not even felt them threatening. Quickly, she bent her head over the sink so Shelby wouldn't see them, but she guessed anyway by the way her daughter suddenly bowed her head and refused to look up, even when she felt Shelby's presence directly behind her. She continued to hold her hand under the tap, focusing on it as if it were a task of utmost importance.
Rachel gritted her teeth and refused to let any more tears fall. Not only did she have to go to school in an hour, but the person she most wanted to appear strong in front of was stood right behind her. The previous night made it even more vital that she did not show weakness. Rachel felt a hand on her arm and quickly shrugged it off and backed away from the sink, despite the burning pain that instantly shot through her hand as soon as she did. Wordlessly, she swept from the bathroom, leaving the tap running behind her and dashed right out of her bedroom.
Shelby caught up with her as she was rooting through the medicine cupboard. She quickly found the burn bandage she was looking for opened the plastic carefully without putting too much strain on her injured hand. Another look informed her it was beginning to blister. She fumbled with it for several moments, but trying to wrap it one handed was useless, the end just would not stay and getting it tight enough was impossible.
Another hand took hers, being careful to avoid the burns. "You're going to need something on this," said Shelby, quietly. She turned to the cupboard Rachel had just been going through until she came across some cream for stings and burns. Rachel took it from her, silently, and rubbed some gently into the marks across her palm and fingers. She didn't resist as Shelby picked up the discarded bandage and wrapped it around her daughter's palm, carefully, yet tightly. There was nothing that could be done about the burns on her fingers, but Rachel pocketed the cream.
Before either of them could speak another word, Hiram Berry stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen. His eyes widened in surprise at the sight of Shelby, but he didn't comment, instead, his gaze travelled down to Rachel's bandaged palm. His expression creased in agony as he imagined just what had happened to his daughter.
"It was an accident," Shelby assured him, recognising the same look in Hiram's eyes as she had felt flash through her own when Rachel had caught her curling irons, although she had been there to witness the accident. "Those stupid curling irons of hers." Almost unconsciously, Shelby twisted a strand of Rachel's curled hair around her finger, and Rachel, used to the same affection from her fathers, did not immediately stop it. But then she realised that she wasn't either of her dads, but her mother, the one who had abandoned her time and time again and she jerked her head, not hard enough to pull away from her mother's touch, but Shelby took the hint anyway and allowed her hand to drop back to her side.
The sound of the doorbell echoing through the house startled all three of them. There was an awkward moment in which no one moved, assuming one of the others would go for the door, but when nobody volunteered, Rachel reluctantly began to walk out of the kitchen, deciding it was probably Kurt anyway. As she passed Hiram, he took her arm gently, stopping her in her tracks and before she could respond, he pulled her body close to his and enshrouded her in a hug.
Rachel was so surprised, it took her a few seconds to respond, but then she hugged her dad back even more tightly than he was holding her, feeling the relief wash over her so strongly that if he had not had his arms around her, she may have fallen. He didn't hate her after all. Neither of them spoke during the embrace, or as they pulled apart several moments later to see Shelby had gone to answer the door to give them some privacy, and seconds later, Rachel heard many surprised voices wondering if they had come to the wrong house.
Hiram squeezed Rachel's shoulder gently before giving her a light push towards the hall, silently granting permission for her to leave. Rachel gave him a weak but genuine smile, and just before she turned the corner, she saw him return it with a lingering look of sadness in his eyes that she knew she had put there.
Much to Rachel's surprise, she entered the hall to find it crowded with what looked like every member of glee. She blinked, sure her eyes were deceiving her. Since when did she walk to school with anyone other than Kurt? But now he, Noah, Finn, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Sam and Mike were all gathered in her hallway, staring from Rachel to Shelby as if they had stumbled across them in the midst of a serial killers' meeting.
"What are you guys doing here?" Rachel breathed, finally understanding Kurt's warning about 'everybody'. Her initial instinct was to go to hug her best friend, but one glance sent a wave of anger surging through her. It was not as strong as it had been the previous day, but it was there and she wasn't ready for the hug and make up just yet.
"We're your army," Noah said, as if that explained everything. All the glee kid's eyes had left her mother and were now fixed upon her, searching her for her reaction, her current mood, anything to tell them what they had heard was not true, even though they all knew in their hearts that it was. They did not need Kurt's confirmation to realise what they had missed for so many months.
Rachel stared around at her 'army', wondering where they had been in all the months she had needed them. After she broke up with Finn, even Santana had realised something was very wrong, enough so that she had called herself out on her own lie, but it had only been Kurt who had followed her. True, Mercedes had been furious with Santana, but no one else had come after her, no one had asked her how she was, Santana had even been allowed to stay in the glee club.
The last thing she had said to them before walking out of all of their lives was I'm done. Why had that not been enough to have them at her door? Why had they had to know the darkest extent to what she had been feeling in that very moment to be willing to help? Only a select few had even spoken to her. The rest had acted like she no longer existed. As soon as her voice was no longer an asset to them, she may as well not have done.
Rachel opened her mouth to tell them all to leave her alone, but they were gathered tightly together, looking sheepish and, for the most part, apologetic. They looked as if they expected her to rip them to shreds and tell them to stay out of her life. She remembered all too well what it was like to be there, to be sorry, but not quite know how to say it. She knew what it was like to feel the guilt pressing down like a constant weight she was forced to carry. They didn't deserve it, she knew they didn't, but she was so tired of fighting.
One dad was too furious with her to help, the other would try his best, but she knew he would be able to do little in the way of support her, she was likely to never see her mother again once she left for school, and Kurt had betrayed her. If she slammed the door on her ex team mates too, she would have no one. Rachel had been there before, she had been there for most of her life, and if there was one thing she knew for sure it was that it was better to have a handful of imperfect friends than it was to be alone.
So plastering on a smile that hid the anger, hurt and betrayal that she still felt towards every person there, she joined the group and together, they left the house, her army swarming around her, as if they were afraid she would fall if left to walk alone.
I know Rachel's dads reacted badly, but unfortunately, it's how a lot of people do react, especially when they could never understand why someone would do that to themselves, and it's someone they love.
Sorry, I meant to post this chapter a couple of days ago but completely forgot. Please continue to review, I love reading them all.