Trigger warning. Bold is Finn singing, italics, Rachel.
The song, by the way, is 'Elephant Love Medley' from Moulin Rouge. I didn't just go crazy and start using every song I could think of. I advice you to listen as you read (but wait until you get to that part) it will help set the scene and it's a good song.
The end of the straw cut into her tongue as Rachel chewed it, thoughtfully. She was just finishing up her morning protein shake, something she hadn't had in so long, and eating the straw stopped the scream coming out of her mouth. She often wanted to scream, with either anger or despair, the pent up emotions would build inside her until she could barely contain them. When that happened, she sung, or she cut, or she chewed straws.
As she chewed and finished the last of the shake, she paced around the kitchen, walking from cupboard to draw and back again, sometimes going as far as the door before walking back to the sink. Rachel was well aware that the action made her look crazy, but she just felt so restless all of a sudden, she felt an almost uncontrollable urge to be moving, doing something to keep herself busy because chewing that straw just wasn't enough to keep the scream inside.
The next time Rachel made the journey to the door, she almost collided with Hiram, who had just entered the kitchen to make a mug of coffee before rushing off to work. It was rare Rachel got to see either of her fathers before school, but she had woken up before the sun and been unable to fall asleep again, so by the time 6am rolled around, she was showered, dressed and ready for school. She had even done her old morning workout, if only for something to distract her from the pain twisting her insides.
"I need to talk to you about something," her father snapped in his usual brisk tone. He hardly ever spoke to her with any softness, not since he had found out what she had been doing. In Rachel's opinion, he was the only one reacting appropriately. He was disgusted with her, he did everything he could be avoid being around her, and when he was forced to spend time in the same room as his daughter, he was cold and distant. It was no more than she deserved, and everyone else's kindness only added to the intense guilt at dragging them down with her.
"Your father and I have been discussing your-problem," he flashed her a scowl of disgust as he said the word 'problem' as if it were a disgusting swear word, and she a regular user of it. "And we've decided the best course of action is to get back in touch with the family therapist for some one on one sessions." Rachel blinked at him, as if therapy were an alien concept. "You start on Wednesday at six." Leroy did not wait for her opinion, he just shot her one last look of contempt and marched out of the room.
Rachel was too used to her father's anger to be hurt by it. His treatment of her as if she were a leper was something she had grown used to in the two weeks since he had found out what she was doing. Hiram was different. He still smiled at her as she came into a room, he said goodnight and kissed her cheek before she went upstairs to bed, he asked about her day in school and listened to her answer, carefully constructed in her head before they came home so she could leave out the parts were kids had pelted her with razors as she walked down the hall and told her to go and slice her wrists right open and do everyone a favour. He acted like her same old dad, but he no longer knew how to deal with her. He'd go through all lengths to avoid any heavy topics, and never once did he mention her 'problem', or indeed act as if he knew at all.
She stood still long after Leroy had left, the urge to pace leaving her at the same time as he had. She now had a different longing, one to go back up to bed and curl under the duvet and just fall asleep. That way, she wouldn't have to think, she wouldn't have to feel, she wouldn't have to face the day. Seeing a therapist was the last thing she wanted to do, and the last thing that was going to help. No matter how much she told a stranger, the kids were still going to taunt her, her father was still going to hate her as much as she hated herself, she was still going to wake up every morning with a weight of dread in her stomach at the thought of having to roll out of bed and face the day, but a painful emptiness stabbing at her heart at the thought of staying in bed all day and having nothing to do but think.
Eventually, Rachel came around long enough to glance at the clock and realise it was past eight. When had that happened? She couldn't really have been standing there for two hours, doing nothing but staring and thinking about Wednesday's appointment. With a shake of the head, she wondered out of the kitchen and picked the pile of books up from the arm of the sofa as she passed the lounge and made sure her keys were in her pocket before slamming the door behind her as she left the house, probably with more force than necessary, even though there was no one around to hear it.
…
Classes seemed to drag by more slowly than ever. Rachel used to love her lessons, she loved to learn, she loved knowing the answer to teachers' questions, she loved being the best, but something had happened to time. The classes would drag by as if the clock had come close to standing still and Rachel found herself unable to concentrate for so long. She'd find herself longing for the sound of the bell almost as soon as she sat down because there was something so torturous at being forced to sit in the same classroom, doing the same thing for so long.
She was relieved when the bell for lunch sounded through the English classroom and she leapt to her feet, gathering her things and dashing out of the door before the rest of the class had even registered the sound. She planned to spend the hour first part of the hour in the girls' bathroom, and then head to the auditorium when everyone had given up looking for her, but she had barely made it two steps out of the door when Finn grabbed her arm and swung her around. Rachel felt a surge of irritation. Was it too much to ask to just be left alone?
"Rach, I- erm, will you come to the auditorium with me? There's something I wanna say to you." Rachel was sure she didn't want to hear whatever it was, but she didn't have the heart to turn down Finn's eager, hopeful expression. She might be angry, but she wasn't mean. She nodded and wordlessly began to follow Finn through the busy hall. At least the corridors were still practically empty as she had rushed out of class so fast. If anyone called after her now, she knew Finn wouldn't let it slide like he once had and she couldn't be bothered with a fight.
To Rachel's disappointment, the auditorium was empty. She had been hoping that would be the one day someone else had decided to hang out in there, and then Finn might chose to save his speech for another time. "I've kinda wanted to talk to you for a while, and then the other night, Kurt got me watching some movie about prostitutes and I thought of you." Finn paled slightly, realising seconds after Rachel did what he had just said. "Not like you're a whore or anything, but the song. The song made me think of you."
Finn cleared his throat, thrown by the failed introduction. Rachel waited expectantly, but said nothing. She was nervous about what to expect, things had been easier with Finn, but only as long as they didn't go back to that.
All you need is love.
The song started so suddenly, that Rachel jumped. She had been expecting Finn to fiddle nervously for a few more moments before beginning. She sighed. Clearly, the song was going in a direction she didn't want. "Finn-" she began, but before she could utter another word, he cut her off.
All you need is love.
Rachel rolled her eyes, forgetting about sparing his feelings. "No, Finn, I don't-"
All you need is love.
"Stop it."
I was made for loving you baby
You were made for loving me.
Recognising the song, Rachel joined in with the next line. At least is was one that could apply to her, being with her would be a struggle, too much for Finn to emotionally bear and something she could never bring herself to put him through, no matter how much he thought he wanted it.
The only way of loving me baby,
Is to pay a lovely fee.
Just one night
Give me just one night
Rachel shook her head, it was one night that would turn into another, and another until they were officially and item again, and she couldn't deal with him, not on top of everything. He deserved better.
In the name of love
One night in the name of love
You crazy fool
I won't give into you
Don't leave me this way,
I can't survive without your sweet love
Oh baby, don't leave me this way
Rachel was immediately reminded of the way she had begged him to listen to her, to believe her. He had left her. He'd taken out her heart and crumbled it to tiny pieces before walking out on her and leaving her to fall apart all alone. No one believed her, he had made sure of that. So why did she feel so guilty for leaving him now?
You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs.
She certainly had.
I look around and see it isn't so, oh no
Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs
Love lifts us up where we belong
Where eagles fly
On a mountain high
Love makes us act as if we are fools,
Throw our lives away,
For one happy day
Rachel had made that mistake once. She'd given her heart and life to Finn, she had made him the only thing worth fighting for, the only person she had that stopped her falling. She had balanced everything on her trust for him, and when he had broken if and left her crying in that hallway, she'd had nothing. Her life had tumbled down around her and she had been too numb to even care. Now it seemed like there was no way back, nothing to cling to that would get her out of the hell hole she had fallen into. And for what? A love that had never been real. A happiness that was running on borrowed time.
We could be heroes,
Just for one day.
You, you will be mean
And I, I'll hurt all the time
Although a pained look shot through Finn's features at that, he didn't falter. He was determined to make her see that it would be different that time around, he'd listen to her, he'd see her, and when she was hurting, she would go to him.
We should be lovers
We can't do that,
Rachel replied, although she could feel her resolve faltering. Finn had not sung to her since 'Jesse's Girl' and she had began to believe once the chase was over, he had just stopped caring. Maybe that's how it would be again. As soon as he had her back, everything would just fall back to how it was before, he'd let the bullies taunt her, he'd believe the first rumour that came his way and throw her aside like a bag of stinking rubbish.
We should be lovers
And that's a fact
Though nothing, would keep us together
All it had taken was the school bike to break them up the first time around. One with a known hatred for Rachel.
We could steal time
Rachel was surprised when he continued singing. She wasn't used to Finn being so persistent. She was the stubborn one in the relationship, the one who fought for them time and time again and was willing to struggle through their battles as a couple. He had thrown her away after just one misunderstanding, that had he asked her about first, would have been cleared up in an instant.
Just for one day,
We could be heroes,
Forever and ever
They sang the next part together as Rachel allowed herself to imagine what he was asking. Perhaps it could work. Perhaps Finn had learned his lesson. Perhaps he really would try, and that time, she wouldn't be hurt.
We can be heroes,
Just because I-I will always love you
And I can't help but need you
Rachel closed her eyes as she sung the last part, wishing it weren't true. She didn't want to need Finn, she didn't want to love him, but that part of her brain just wouldn't switch off, no matter how much she buried those feelings. She'd shut them off so thoroughly that she'd made herself believe she almost hated him, but along all of that, she'd never stopped loving him.
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world.
They held the last note for as long as possible, Finn not wanting the moment to end, and Rachel afraid of its ending. When the song came to a close, she'd have to react to it. But the very last key fell away all too soon, and then there was nothing but silence as Finn waited hopefully, expecting her to lean forwards and kiss him, just like in the movie. Only they weren't fictional characters with a script to follow, it was real life, and in real life, the fairytale never ended with true love's kiss.
Rachel drew back just as her lips brushed against Finn's, dropping back onto the flats of her feet. She had not even been aware of standing on her tiptoes to reach him. She saw his face drop as she stepped away from him, his features crumpling in disappointment and the despair for the longed for ending he had missed by milliseconds. She saw the questions in his curious eyes as they searched her for the answers, but before he could find any of them she turned and fled from the auditorium, ashamed to be such a coward, but too scared of what would happen if she stayed to stop.
…
The second interception of the day came when Rachel made her way from lunch to her last class of the day, biology. She felt a rough hand seize her shoulder before she was dragged into the empty classroom she was passing by. Her heart hammered in her chest as her thoughts immediately spanned to Karofsky, so when she spun around and came face to face with Santana, she was more relieved than she ever had been to see her long term tormentor. Santana might be a bitch, but she wasn't dangerous, and Rachel was not afraid of her. Not in a physical sense at least.
"Listen hob-Berry," Santana closed her eyes for a second, as if switching to one of Rachel's actual names rather than insulting her caused her great pain. "I don't like you, and you being a nut doesn't change that." Rachel said nothing. She watched Santana, carefully, as if expecting the girl to pull out a knife and thrust it right through her. Speeches that started with 'I don't like you' were rarely declarations of love.
"But it does mean it turns me from a high school bitch to a hard faced bully, and us glee kids see enough of those without turning into them ourselves. Don't think for one second that your crazy habit makes us friends or anything, but if we just take to ignoring each other with occasional civil exchange, I think I can live with that."
Rachel smiled, softly. She was taken aback by Santana's words (they could not quite be called an apology), but wary at the same time. It was not the first time she had shown just one small ounce of compassion towards Rachel; that had been when she had come clean about her lies about Puck, but it seemed in the weeks that followed that she was telling the truth about it just being so she could go back to taunting her without feelings like she was 'kicking Bambi'. But all the same, it had shown there was a heart in there somewhere, however small and cold. That time was different though. There was something hidden behind the hardness of Santana's eyes that had Rachel not seen so much in the past few days, she would not have noticed. Guilt.
After a long, drawn out silence in which Rachel could see Santana was starting to get bored and on the verge of rolling her eyes and making some comment about the one time Rachel managed to keep her mouth shut for more than ten seconds being the time she most wanted her to say something. "That would be nice," she managed, lamely. It wasn't very dramatic or stage worthy, but it was all she could think of. 'Lovely' was too much of a strong word, and 'thank-you' didn't seem appropriate either. It should not have been an agreement they were forced to make in the first place.
"Right, so now we have that hug and love over and done with, I'm going to cut class. Tell Mr. Crammer I have women issues." Santana's heels clicked against the tiled floor as she stalked to the door, but before she crossed from the classroom to the still crowded hallway, she turned back to face Rachel, the guilt still visible through her dark eyes. "And Berry, if any of those," she nodded her head in Rachel's general direction, but it was obvious what she was referring to, "are because of me, then I- well, if I'd have known, I might have thought about not saying it."
Without another word, Santana swung her head back towards the door, swishing her long hair over her shoulder as she did and clicked her heels right out of the room. Rachel waited until she could no longer hear the sound of them echoing through the bust corridor before she followed suit, bewildered by what had just happened.
…
It wasn't until Finn appeared in her room that night while she was blasting music in her ears through her i-pod and trying to ignore the niggling guilt inside her that Rachel realised she'd forgotten to lock the door. She cursed herself for her stupidity as she stared at him, hoping that if she looked hard enough, he might disappear. He couldn't be there, not now, not in her own house where she couldn't run. Rachel pulled the earphones out and clenched her fists, digging her sharp nails hard into her palms to calm her pounding heart. She armed her guard ready to take him down it if became necessary.
"What else can I do?" He demanded, angrily glaring at her with his dark eyes. Rachel used to love those eyes. She'd lose herself in them as they spoke, imagining them in a different world, just the two of them with no one else to answer to, but now they just scared her. They meant something, a something that she wasn't ready to face. "How many more ways are there to say I'm sorry?"
Rachel didn't answer him. She could think of nothing to say, because it was no longer about him being sorry. He had made his remorse obvious enough, and she was sure he would not be making the same mistakes a second time around, but still, she could not return her heart to him, because it was broken. It had been shattered into pieces that lay scattered around her feet. Even if she were to pick it all up, she had no idea how it was supposed to go together, and she knew without trying that there were parts that would stay lost forever. Rachel couldn't give her heart back to Finn, because it was beyond repair.
"Just tell me if there's a chance for us Rach, or if I'm just wasting my time." He sounded so defeated that Rachel could no longer ignore him. He reminded her of herself in the day that followed their breakup. Like there was nothing left of him, no fight. She couldn't do that to someone else, no matter how much they might deserve it.
"It is no longer about what either of us have done to the other. So no, Finn, I cannot be with you. Not now, not in six months, maybe not ever. There is no longer enough left of me to give, this is far beyond a bad habit, it's me. This habit has taken my identity, I am not the girl you fell in love with, if you ever really did love me. I am someone else, someone consumed by this urge, this darkness, someone without a place or direction. I cannot ask you to walk with me, because I don't know where I am headed to, where I shall end up, or if I am just on an endless road to nothing.
"I know you will want to come with me anyway, but I just can't do it, Finn. I can't keep looking over my shoulder to make sure you are still following. I can't worry about leading you as well as myself. I have to focus on me, on escaping whatever this is, because I'm not living a life anymore, it's an existence. I don't have a heart, I have shattered pieces. You can be my friend, but I can't let you be a part of me, because you will be the only part."
Rachel watched Finn's face drop. She watched his shoulders slouch and his heart break as he realised what she was trying to tell him. She was too broken to love him. She saw the guilt that tore through his features, because whatever way either of them tried to look at it, however many long words she used, he had helped break her. He had been the final blow she needed to cave in, and whereas that blow would have come sooner or later anyway, had he not left her, he could have pieced her back together while there was still that hope.
He may have hurt her, but hurting him was the last thing she wanted to do. Rachel stood shakily from the bed and took tiny, tentative steps towards Finn and reached towards him, her fingers stretching for his. He took her hand, tucking it into his huge one and pulled her into his chest, using his whole body to cover her, as if he could protect from all the hurt she was feeling, and everything that had passed.
"If I ever find myself," she whispered "you're the only person I want to share me with."
I've noticed for the last couple of chapters that I've not had as many reviews as normal. I really appreciate the ones I have had, I just hope it's not because I've lost a bunch of readers along the way for whatever reason.
Next chapter will be the last!