Chapter 33 – Floppy Thinks

The next day was spent on Jackie and Tony as well, though because Leah had spent the whole day yesterday on her own the Doctor made sure that Jack could look after her. It was another 6pm finish, and the Doctor and Rose found Jack in the kitchen.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"Good," the Doctor supposed. "Just need to finalise everything, I'll do that after dinner, then they'll be clear. Should only take about twenty minutes. But I'm starving."

He dropped down into an available chair, grabbing a handful of chips from the bowl in the centre before he looked around the room. "Where's Leah?"

"In her room," Jack replied. "She's been trouble today, really bad mood. She didn't want any dinner."

The Doctor frowned. "I should probably go and talk to her."

Rose nodded. "I'll save you some chips."

"No, you won't," the Doctor replied simply.

"Nope," Rose said with a laugh, grabbing a handful of chips.

As the Doctor got up he took a handful to go, and then started off towards Leah's room.

He found her playing with the exact toys she'd been playing with when he checked in on her at lunch earlier. There were drawings all over the floor of red scribbles and the room was a complete mess.

"Leah?" he asked.

She almost jumped a foot in the air in surprise, turning around to look at him. She stared at him for a moment, before turning back to her toys and continuing to play.

He frowned and moved forward to stoop down next to her. "You said you wanted to talk?"

"I don't wanna," Leah replied rudely. "Go away."

He blinked, a little surprised. "Hey, you said you wanted to talk and I'm sorry I haven't got around to it sooner. But there's no need to be rude."

She looked at him again, tears filling her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he replied gently. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Don't wanna anymore," she replied simply.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

He gazed at her for a few moments. Something was wrong, he could feel it. "You know, I'm not gonna leave until you tell me what's wrong," he warned, offering a grin as he took a seat next to her.

"My tummy hurts."

The Doctor brushed back her hair from her forehead caringly. Just a stomach ache. "Did you eat something bad?"

"Don't know," she sobbed, and then burst into tears.

The Doctor looked at her with a frown, then at the toys and drawings scattered around... and then everything slotted into place like the most horrific jigsaw in the Universe. "What do you dream about?" he asked quietly, fearfully.

"Nothing," she answered almost rudely, making to get up but the Doctor quickly took her arm.

"Leah, please tell me. When you wake up crying what do you dream about?"

She sniffed again before looking up at him through tearful eyes. "You," she sobbed.

"Me?" he repeated as his hearts took another invisible stab. "What happens in your dreams?"

He seriously hoped he was wrong. He hoped so much that maybe this one time he had worked it out wrong, that his brain had reached the wrong conclusion, just once...

"I'm in a room alone and I'm scared, Daddy. I'm scared of the things in the dark. I scream for you, Daddy, but you never come..."

A breath caught in his throat, but it felt more like something was reaching up from inside his guts and strangling him inside. "Oh, Leah," he breathed as he realised fully what was happening to his daughter. "I'm so sorry..."

He took her into a tight hug, kissing her forehead. She had the classic signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. He couldn't fix this. How was he going to fix this?

"Okay," he said after a moment, trying not to break down in front of her. "I'm just gonna go and get Mummy a second, so stay here, and we'll sort this out when we come back."

"Please don't leave me," she sobbed, clinging onto him tighter.

"I'm just gonna be up the hall," he assured her quickly. "I'll be right back, I promise."

"You break promises," Leah whispered.

"Not this one. I swear, not this one, Leah," he said quickly, kissing her again. "I will be right back."

He found Rose in the kitchen where he'd left her, in the company of Jack and a recently arrived Martha. When the Doctor entered the kitchen, conversation instantly ceased at the sight of his pale, haunted expression.

"Umm... Is Leah okay?" Rose asked, fearing the worst.

"No," he replied in a croak. "No, she isn't."

Rose jumped out of her seat, alarmed. "What's wrong with her?" she asked anxiously.

"Leah... she's..." he could barely get the words out. He tried, but his mouth wouldn't move; the words wouldn't come. So instead he took a breath, leaning on the wall for support as he felt like he was about to faint. "Her nightmares. She has the same one every night. She's in a room, screaming for me in the dark, but I never come..."

Rose's jaw dropped, but Jack and Martha still didn't understand.

"What? What does that mean?" Jack asked.

"It's the other half of my nightmare," the Doctor breathed. "She... I think... Well... I know... Well... She has... Post-traumatic stress disorder."

The others stared at him in disbelief, and slight horror.

"That can happen to three-year-olds?" Jack asked quietly.

The Doctor nodded. "Even human children at three years of age can develop PTSD after a traumatic incident. And what Leah saw was..." He paused, running a hand down his face. "It was something she shouldn't have seen."

Rose was near tears, moving in to hug her husband. "This is all my fault... The nightmares, the drawings, the bedwetting, her drawings, playing, the tantrum... Oh my god, the knife, she was scared of the knife and I didn't realise..." she croaked. "She's been cryin' out for help and no one's been listenin'..."

"She's been asking to talk to me for weeks," the Doctor muttered. "I completely ignored her..."

"You were busy," Martha insisted.

"Too busy for my own daughter?" he yelled, feeling angry at Martha, angry at himself, angry at the situation. "She just wanted to talk, and I kept putting it off for other things... I could've stopped this before it got to this stage..."

"The damage has already been done, don't play the blame game," Martha told them gently. "We just need to help her, now."

"What do we do?" Rose asked the Doctor anxiously.

The Doctor ran his hand down his face. "Start trauma-based therapy... Tell her what she's experiencing, go through what happened with her... Psychotherapy... Possibly medication; serotonergic agents, antidepressants..." He stopped, staring at the ground. "Oh God, I'm talking about my own daughter, here..."

"Let's start now," Rose said quickly, taking his hand.

"Wait, what about Jackie?" Jack asked.

"To hell with her," Rose dismissed. "She can wait. Let's go," she said, pulling the Doctor back to Leah's room.

"Leah, have you ever heard of the term post-traumatic stress disorder?"

Leah looked at her father sitting there next to her mother, the both of them in front of her. She could see things weren't quite right. Her mum was holding her dad's hand a little tighter than usual, staring at Leah with wide, teary eyes.

Leah just shrugged in reply to her Dad's question, looking back down at her toys.

"It's very important for you to understand," her Daddy continued. "Because I don't think you feel quite right, do you?"

She shook her head.

"Okay," her Daddy carried on, his voice forever calm. "There's no need to be scared. This is a really, really normal way to feel. You're not dying, you're not abnormal, and most importantly, you don't have to deal with this on your own. Me and your Mummy are going to be here for you every step of the way. But to deal with this, you need to know what's happened to you, so I'll explain. Is that okay?"

She nodded.

"Look at me, Leah," her Daddy coaxed.

She paused in playing with her toys to look up at him. He was still bruised and cut badly, one of his eyes still bloodshot. She felt like crying, but her Daddy quickly took her hand to reassure her.

"We... We all went through a very difficult experience in the Shadow Proclamation, and you saw things that you really shouldn't have. And those things scared you so much, that you just can't stop thinking about them. Right?"

She nodded again, still not speaking a word.

"Because of this, you're finding it really difficult to concentrate, you're having scary dreams and you just don't feel like yourself. You're drawing pictures and playing with your toys to recreate what happened. And when you're reminded of it, you start getting headaches and stomach aches. Tell me if I'm wrong."

She didn't say a word.

He just nodded. "You're not going to feel like this forever, I promise you. We all just need to sit down and share our feelings, talk about what happened, and look to the future. And since we're already sitting down, I say we start."

He moved to form a circle with his wife and daughter, clearing the area between them before picking up Floppy and setting her in the centre. He glanced at Rose, who nodded. "Okay, we're gonna take in turns going in a circle, picking up Floppy and saying what we feel through her, before we put her back in the middle, okay? I'll go first to show you."

He leant forward to pick up Floppy, holding her to face Rose and Leah. "Floppy feels hungry, because she missed dinner," he said, and Rose and Leah both giggled a little as he put Floppy back, and beckoned for Rose to have a go.

Rose leant forward and picked up the bunny, sitting her on her lap. "Floppy feels smelly, because she hasn't had a bath since Wednesday," she said, and the Doctor and Leah both laughed as Rose set her down in the middle again.

Next Leah leant forward and picked up the bunny, holding her to her chest. "Floppy feels... lonely, because no one will talk to her."

She put Floppy back down in the middle to utter silence.

There was a pause as the Doctor swallowed, and leant forward to pick up the bunny. "Floppy feels guilty, because she could've done something long ago to stop this happening but she got all her priorities wrong."

He put Floppy back in the middle again. No one was laughing now.

Rose picked up the rabbit next. "Floppy feels useless, because she's supposed to be a Mum but she didn't even notice anythin' was wrong with her little girl..." she whispered, before putting Floppy back in the centre.

"Floppy feels sleepy, because every time she goes to sleep she gets really scared and wakes up all the time," Leah said quietly, clinging onto the rabbit for a moment before putting her back into the middle.

The Doctor could feel tears prickly at the edge of his eyes as he reached forward to pick up the rabbit. "Floppy feels sad, because everything has gone really, really wrong and she feels like she's caused it all."

"Floppy feels overwhelmed," Rose began next, holding the rabbit. "Because she's tryin' to look after her sick husband, talk to her Mum and brother, make meals and spend time with her daughter as best she can but there's just too much to do in one day."

"Floppy feels scared, because she thinks one day Mummy and Daddy will go somewhere and never come back," Leah said quietly.

The rabbit went back to the middle and sat there for a moment in the middle of a storm of feelings.

"Okay, that's enough," the Doctor said gently. "That was good. Well done. Now we're gonna play Floppy Thinks, and we're gonna talk about what we just said and what we think about it. So," he paused, and picked up the rabbit. "Floppy thinks that Mummy maybe didn't pick up on her daughter because she's been trying to hold down the fort and therefore really can't be blamed for missing it."

He put the bunny in the middle, and Rose picked her up. "Floppy thinks that Leah doesn't have to feel alone, because she can talk to Mummy and Daddy whenever she wants and they're not gonna ignore her."

"Floppy thinks Daddy was really busy and really sick so that's why he couldn't talk sooner," Leah said.

"Floppy thinks Leah doesn't need to worry about Mummy and Daddy not coming back, because they both love her so much and wouldn't ever let themselves be away from her forever," the Doctor said, offering a small smile.

"Floppy thinks Daddy's blamin' himself too much for what happened because all he was doin' was tryin' to protect Leah," Rose said, smiling back at the Doctor.

"Floppy thinks it was all Uncle Harry's fault, not Daddy's," Leah said, also smiling.

The Doctor looked between them, beaming. "Floppy thinks Leah and Mummy are beautiful."

"Floppy thinks that's really true," Rose said, laughing.

"Floppy thinks she wants to hug Mummy and Daddy," Leah said.

"Floppy thinks that's a really good idea," the Doctor said, already moving forward to hug Rose and Leah tightly in a three-way embrace and kissing them both before they all eventually pulled back, all with stupid grins on their faces. "Bedtime I think, I'm knackered," the Doctor said, then looked at Leah. "D'you want to sleep in our bed tonight?"

Leah nodded eagerly, already moving to fetch her pyjamas. Rose got Leah ready as the Doctor prepared some bedtime snacks and drinks in lieu of the missed dinner, and they ended up having a picnic on the Doctor and Rose's bed. Then came a combined parental rendition of the bedtime story 'Moon Rabbit' in silly voices until Leah fell asleep between them, drowned in the double bed covers and holding Floppy close.

The Doctor and Rose grinned at each other before they exchanged a kiss.

"Only the start, it's a long road ahead," he whispered. "We all need to heal."

"We're gonna be fine aren't we?" Rose asked quietly, a small smile on her face.

He nodded, smiling in return. "Yeah."

Then they finally switched off the lights and closed their eyes. No one had a bad dream.