"Elephant Balls"
Part 2. Becca's Boyfriend
The next morning, Charlie and the boys walk down the hallway.
Stan: How long did it take you guys to finish the paper last night?
Kyle: I was up until one in the morning!
Cartman: You suckers actually wrote it?
Charlie: Yeah.
Cartman: Ha, I can't believe it. That was assigned by a SUBSTITUTE teacher, which means that today, Mr. Garrison won't give a crap if we turn it in or not.
They walk into the classroom. Mrs. Grimm is standing in front of the blackboard.
Cartman: Damn it!
Mrs. Grimm: Excuse me, young man?
Cartman (speaking slowly and enunciating clearly): I said, "DAMN IT."
Mrs. Grimm: You can just march right on down to—
Cartman (walking away, sounding exasperated): I'm going, I'm going.
Cartman sits in the chair in front of the principal's desk. Principal Victoria looks annoyed as she lectures him.
Principal Victoria: You need to learn that cursing in school is NOT okay, Eric.
Cartman (sighing, sounding annoyed): I'm sorry Principal Victoria.
Victoria: Now, I know you don't like your new teacher, but you're just going to have to learn to respect her and obey her rules.
Cartman (looking startled): What was that?
Victoria: I said, I know that you don't like your new teacher, but—
Cartman: Did you say "new teacher"?
Victoria: Oh, didn't you know? I'm sorry, dear, I thought you'd already heard. Mr. Garrison is very sick, and he won't be able to teach again for awhile.
Cartman: And… and... Mrs. Grimm is…?
Victoria: Yes, Mrs. Grimm is filling in for Mr. Garrison while he's gone.
Cartman stands up and puts his hand to his forehead. He takes a few steps to the left, facing away from the principal.
Cartman: No! This… this can't be happening!
Victoria: Oh dear. You must be very upset about poor Mr. Garrison.
Cartman: This can't happen! [He runs up and puts his hands on Victoria's desk.] Please tell me this isn't really happening!
Victoria pats him on the head.
Victoria: Maybe you and some of your little friends could visit Mr. Garrison after school today. I'm sure that would make him feel much better.
The door to the office opens. Kyle, Stan, Charlie, Kenny, Craig, Wendy, Pip, and all the other hat-wearing (or in Kenny's case "hood-wearing") students in the class enter the office. Victoria stares at the large group in surprise.
Victoria: My God! What did all you kids do?
Craig: Mrs. Grimm decided that wearing hats in school was against the rules.
After school, the boys and Charlie walk down the sidewalk. Kenny carries a large gift basket.
Kyle to Cartman: So let me get this straight: we are going to Mr. Garrison's house to ask him to keep teaching us? Are you insane?
Cartman: Be honest, Kyle. Who would you rather have for a teacher: creepy, lame-ass Mr. Garrison, or that crabby old bitch with a scorpion up her ass?
Kyle sighs.
Kyle: Okay, I guess you have a point.
Cartman: Excellent.
The group walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. Inside, Mr. Garrison is sitting on the couch watching television. He is wearing his normal shirt, but he has a towel around his waist and a bag of ice over his groin.
Mr. Garrison: Come in! It's unlocked!
The kids enter Mr. Garrison's house. They look surprised by the towel and ice. Mr. Garrison looks surprised that it's them.
Stan: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, uh, hello, children.
Charlie: We're sorry you're sick, Mr. Garrison.
Kenny: (We brought you a gift basket.)
Mr. Garrison (looking a bit surprised and slightly suspicious): Oh. Well, thank you, children, that's very considerate of you.
Kyle: So, do you think you'll be coming back to school soon?
Mr. Garrison: I'm afraid not, Kyle.
Stan: Why not?
Mr. Garrison sighs. Sad/dramatic piano music plays.
Mr. Garrison: Sit down, children.
The kids sit on either side of him on the couch.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat will explain everything to you.
Mr. Hat: You see, children, Mr. Garrison can't come back to school for awhile because he's sick.
Kyle: Sick how?
Mr. Hat: Mr. Garrison has a strange disease in his body. Sometimes, this disease makes some certain special male parts of Mr. Garrison's body become sore, swollen, and very, very uncomfortable. It's called "elephantitis."
The sad music pauses.
Cartman: Whoa, you have elephant balls, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Hat: You shut your fat mouth, Eric Cartman! [The music continues.] Mr. Garrison has elephantitis in his scrotum, which makes it hurt very badly. Very, very badly.
The boys wince. Charlie looks around at them, confused.
Charlie: What's a scrotum?
Mr. Hat (ignoring her): All of Mr. Garrison's pain and suffering could end with a simple scrotal surgery, but unfortunately, this operation isn't covered under his insurance plan and it is too expensive for him to afford right now.
Kyle: But if you don't work, how will you get the money for your operation?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know yet, Kyle. But I'm in too much pain to teach right now. Kenny, would you be a sport and get me a new bag of ice from the freezer?
Kenny gets up and walks out of view.
Cartman: What if someone raised enough money to pay for the surgery?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, kids. Thirty thousand dollars is a lot of money.
Kenny opens the freezer. It's filled with bags of ice. He gets one and brings it to Mr. Garrison.
Stan: But, just hypothetically, what if someone raised thirty thousand dollars?
Mr. Garrison: Well, as soon as I had the money I could get the surgery. The recovery time is just about a week, so I'd be back to school real soon afterwards.
Cartman: Don't worry, Mr. Garrison. We'll find a way to get you that surgery. Your elephant scrotum will be healed in no time.
They walk out of Mr. Garrison's house.
Charlie (as they're leaving): Seriously, what's a scrotum?
They're outside the house. After the door closes, they look at each other.
Kyle: Thirty thousand dollars is a lot of money.
Cartman: I know. We'll all have to work to raise it.
Kenny: (How are we supposed to do that?)
Stan: I don't know. We could have a car wash or something.
Cartman: We could also try to change that damn insurance policy to include scrotum surgery.
Charlie (annoyed): Seriously, you guys! What's a scrotum?
Kenny (as he explains, Charlie looks disgusted): (It's the skin around a boy's testicles. It's the ball-sack. It's very sensitive and tender.)
Charlie (grossed out): …Ewww!
Kenny: (Wanna see?)
Charlie: No, I don't want to see!
Cartman: I'm going to get in touch with some of the guys. We'll meet in my basement at four.
It's just about four. Charlie and Stan ring the doorbell at Cartman's house. Becca answers it.
Becca: Eric says to meet him in the basement.
Charlie: Thanks, Becca.
They start to walk to the basement.
Becca: Is Kenny coming?
Stan: Yeah, he should be here soon.
Becca: Oh goodie.
Charlie and Stan walk downstairs. Becca goes to the window and looks outside, where Kenny, Kyle, Tweek, and Butters are all walking down the sidewalk. She starts to jump up and down as they walk to the door. She opens it the instant the doorbell rings.
Becca: Hi Kenny!
Tweek (twitching and shaking): Ah! Where's Cartman?
Becca: He's in the basement.
As the boys start to walk past, Becca tugs on Kyle's sleeve.
Becca (whispering and pointing at Tweek): What's that kid's problem?
Kyle: That's just Tweek.
Becca: Okay. [She runs over to Kenny and grabs his hand.] Kenny, can we play "wedding" later?
Kyle: Uh, Becca, Kenny has to talk to Cartman right now.
Becca (to Kenny): Eric says your teacher has elephant balls, so I drew a picture for you to give to him.
She hands Kenny a picture of a man with two elephants playing with balls.
Kenny: (Thanks.)
Becca: I also made you this picture.
She hands him another picture. This one is of Kenny and Becca holding hands inside a large heart.They're downstairs by now. Kenny hits his forehead with his hand. Craig, Clyde, and Stan laugh. Cartman looks annoyed.
Cartman: Upstairs, Becca.
Becca: But I want to stay with Kenny. He's my boyfriend, after all.
Kenny: (Your what?)
Cartman: NOW, Becca.
Becca begrudgingly leaves.
Cartman: Let's get down to business. As you all know by now, Mr. Garrison can't teach because of the extremely painful elephantitis in his scrotum. Normally, of course, this would be a good thing, and we'd all have a good laugh about it. But under the circumstances—specifically, because our substitute teacher has a porcupine shoved up her ass—we as students and as human beings have been moved to help Mr. Garrison get this surgery.
Butters: What's a scrotum?
Cartman (putting his hand between his eyes): Oh my God, Butters.
Charlie: It's the skin on your balls.
Butters: The skin on my balls? Poor Mr. Garrison!
Cartman: Exactly. Now, the way I see it, we should be taking two approaches to this problem. One is confrontational: moving to change Mr. Garrison's insurance policy to include scrotal operations. The second option is simply raising the thirty thousand dollars ourselves.
Tweek: Thirty-thirty thousand dollars? Ngha! That's-that's impossible! Ah! We'll be stuck with Mrs. Grimm forever!
Cartman: Not impossible, Tweek, improbable. We have to try. I've divided us into three teams: Kyle, Butters, and Charlie, you work on some fundraising schemes. Clyde, Craig, and Tweek, you go door-to-door and try to raise money. Clyde, teach the others your fake-crying technique, it's killer. Stan, Kenny, and I will work on getting this ridiculous insurance debauchery cleaned up. Now let's move!
Kyle, Charlie, and Butters are in Butters' room. Butters sits at his desk with paper and a pen and Kyle and Charlie are on the floor.
Butters: So, uh, anybody got any ideas for fundraising?
Kyle tosses a ball from one hand to the other.
Charlie: We could—wait... no, never mind.
There's a pause.
Butters: Well, uh, what about a bake sale?
Kyle: Butters, that's gay.
Charlie: Well, can you think of anything better?
Kyle: I guess not. But I can't bake.
Charlie: Oh yeah. Neither can I.
Butters: Well, you two are in luck, because I'm the best pastry chef this town has ever seen.
Kyle and Charlie exchange glances.
Kyle: …Seriously?
Butters: I can make cakes and pies and brownies and cookies and muffins.
Charlie: You realize you can't use an "Easy Bake Oven," right?
Butters: I'm allowed to use the real oven when Mom's around.
Kyle and Charlie look at each other.
Kyle: Well, we might as well give it a shot.