a/n: Let me take this opportunity to mention that I own neither "Twilight" nor "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". Also, that EverlastingMuse is made of awesome.
The Red Eye chapter 5: Red Herring
To add to Bella Swan's total inappropriateness she also apparently has a werewolf for a mechanic. The tow truck that pulled up behind her truck was a battered, yellow mess with a faded decal on the side that said "La Push Garage". It was being driven by a man in his 20's and in the passenger seat was a teenage boy. They were Quileute and they were pissed to see me.
I should explain that the local reservation was part of a tribe that was rumored to be descended from wolves. I don't know about the ancestry part but they were definitely shape-shifters. The gene that made their young men turn into werewolves was evidently activated by exposure to vampires. So we move to Forks, they sprout fur. You can see why Bella's choice of mechanic might be a bit tricky for me.
The werewolves consider themselves to be our natural enemy and although my family has a treaty with them they still don't really like us around. We stayed out of each other's way for the most part, but this was about to get awkward. There was no way that I was into letting Bella hang around with teenage werewolves. They are way too volatile, for one thing. Also, they stink.
I stood on the sidewalk, returning the glare of the older man while the teenage one jumped out of the truck and ran over to Bella.
"Bella, are you alright?" Teen-wolf gave me a glare as he hovered over her. I gave him my best "I'm a hundred years older than you" arrogant look. The other smelly one began hooking Bella's truck up to the tow truck.
"Yeah, Jacob. Have you met Edward Cullen?" She gestures politely to me, ignoring or oblivious to our supernatural glare-fest. "Edward let me use his phone."
"We've never met, no." I don't want to shake his paw so I give him nod from my comfortable distance. "A pleasure, Jacob." I chose not to mention his resemblance to his grandfather. Who I met in the 1930's. I amuse myself by imagining Jacob dancing the Charleston to "Yes, We Have No Bananas."
"How do you know Edward?" The other hairball has walked over at this point.
"Sam, this is Edward Cullen. Have you met?" Sam looks at me with suspicion and shakes his head. "No, but his reputation precedes him. How do you know each other?"
"Alice is a friend of mine. When my truck wouldn't start and my cell phone was dead, Edward was kind enough to help me." Bella is starting to pick up on the animosity between the animals and I. She is watching them carefully. They are too busy trying to intimidate me by flexing their muscles and sneering at me. Typical wolves. I hate them.
"Generous," Sam says with a sneer. "Let's go Bella, we'll drop you off." I am not thrilled by them dropping her off but I can't risk offering her a ride. I'm afraid being trapped in my Volvo with her might just be pushing my luck. I wish Alice was here to give her a ride. I realize that I could play this to my advantage by being the magnanimous one.
"Thank you so much for your help, Jacob, Sam." I nod to the two of them, to their surprise. Bella turns to me with a small smile. "Thank you for your help, Edward. Tell Alice I said 'Hi', OK?" She grabbed her backpack from the cab of the truck and squished into the tow truck with the wolves while I watched, my best fake smile pasted on, suppressing a growl.
I gave a last casual wave and walked back up to the office. I was somewhat heartened by the fact that I didn't eat her, while I was frustrated by finding out that she consorted with werewolves.
Which, if I were in my right mind would not be disconcerting. The werewolf thing could work to my advantage if I couldn't control myself with her. They would have been thrilled to protect her from me. So my displeasure at her fuzzy pals was illogical.
I was getting nowhere with my thoughts so I picked up the mystery novel Esme had gotten me. About this Swedish journalist. It was pretty good except that the guy was kind of promiscuous. Seriously, the guy slept with like 3 different women before the book was halfway over. And he was completely indiscriminate, too. Older women, younger women, whatever. Who would have guessed it about the Swedes, huh?
Overall, I was feeling pretty successful after my non-lethal interaction with Bella Swan. Until she talked to my sister the next day at lunch.
So I'm feeling like quite the social success until Alice walks into the office the next afternoon. I can tell from the look on her face and the tenor of her thoughts that some fun is about to be had. I suspect it will be at my expense. The only thing I can be thankful for is that Emmett isn't here. Alice smirks at me.
"Oh, I called him. He'll be here in a minute. Plus he's out of receipt tape at the bar." Whoever's idea it was to turn Emmett into a vampire so he could steal from me for eternity is going to pay.
"I got stuff to do. Important vampire stuff." I grab my keys and start to walk out the door to escape the "trash Edward" party but Emmett chooses that moment to block my office door with his bulky ass and Alice says: "I talked to Bella Swan today."
I sit back down at my desk, feigning nonchalance. "Oh? Did she mention that she came by yesterday and I didn't eat her?"
"She mentioned that she came by yesterday and met you." Alice grins at me and blocks her evil little thoughts with a Beach Boys song in Arabic. Have I mentioned that I hate the Beach Boys?
"Yeah, what's she think of our boy detective?" Emmett is filling his pockets from the supply cabinet.
"Emmett, not those pens! Those are like three dollars each! Your skuzzy bar patrons are just going to steal them." I look back at Alice. I don't want to have to press her for information. I won't ask. I won't.
"What did she say?" Ok, I did it. Alice smiles.
"Well, I had to mention it to her. I guess she wasn't going to tell me. She said she was concerned that she had…bothered you." I am trying to figure out what she's implying as she says this with a smirk. Then I see the conversation she had with Bella and cringe.
"What? What did I miss? What?" Emmett is looking between the two of us curiously. Thank God he can't read minds.
"Bella thought Eddie was spanking the monkey," Jasper says as he walks in, placing a kiss on his wife's cheek. She gives him a swipe. "Jasper! Don't embarrass him!"
Too late. Emmett roars with laughter. "Edward? She thought he was mangling the midget?" Jasper and Emmett are laughing so hard I'm concerned for the state of my couch. Esme got me that couch in Italy.
"Funny, guys, funny." I glare at Alice. She shrugs her shoulders.
"What? You slammed the door when she came up the stairs. What was she supposed to think? Plus, she didn't say it so much as imply it."
"Did you imply back to her that I did it so I wouldn't be tempted to drink her snotty teenage blood?" I sneer at Alice. She shakes her head at me.
"Of course not, I said that you probably had a lot of confidential files out."
"Not to mention some of her clothes," Emmett says and he and Jasper crack up again. I wave my hand dismissively at all of them and grab my keys to go out again.
"She said she thought you were handsome." Alice's voice stops me in my tracks. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care…
"Yeah?" I say, turning around. And then I hear the other word that Alice doesn't repeat. I can see Bella Swan in my sister's head, blushing as she says "handsome but…weird." I nod at Alice. "Thanks, Alice."
"So I think that I should have Bella over. You know, like a sleepover or something." To my brothers' credit, both of them look at her like she just suggested inviting a human with really appetizing blood over to a house full of vampires for a sleepover. Which she just did. Hence their shocked expressions.
"Alice, I don't know…" Jasper is trying to dissuade her without getting himself in trouble with the person who has sex with him.
"Seems kinda risky, Alice. I mean, what if Wardo eats her?"
"Thank you, Emmett." I give him a pleased look. "Smartest thing you ever said. But don't call me 'Wardo', please."
"He won't because you guys will keep an eye on him." Alice nods at Jasper and Emmett.
"I don't know, Alice. Rosie won't like it." Emmett only fears one thing in this world. Rosalie won't like it. The only thing that Rosalie likes less than new people being around is new human female people being around.
"That's a great point, Emmett." I look at Alice nodding vigorously. "Did you hear what Emmett said, Alice? Rosalie is going to be angry if you bring a human girl over for a sleepover."
"Well, it's just that her dad's going to be out of town for the weekend and I don't want her to get lonely."
"She's knocked up at 17, Alice. If you ask me, she probably could have used a little more 'alone time'." Alice glared at me.
"Yeah, she tell you who knocked her up, Alice?" Emmett was amusing himself by rolling receipt tape across the floor and then catching it as it rolled back. I contemplated giving him a ball of yarn.
"No. I'm trying to respect her privacy. She hasn't even told me about the pregnancy yet." I see a vision in Alice's head of her and Bella in Port Angeles at a book store. "I guess were just going to do something on Friday afternoon."
"Thank you, Alice." I look in her eyes as I thank her so she can see how sincere I am. She smiles at me slyly. It makes me nervous but I really do have stuff to do so I pick up my keys again and say goodbye to my siblings.
Emmett cuffs me on the shoulder as I walk out and shouts at me: "Hey, Eddie. Don't worry. We'll tell your girlfriend that the last time you wrestled the gator was to a photo of Mary Pickford, ok?"
a/n: I used this thorough and excellent website: www (dot) WorldWideWank (dot) com/synonyms2 (dot) html (remove my (dots) and spaces) for the euphemisms for masturbation. Happy Holidays and stuff! JuJu