18 Letters

Year One

Disclaimer: You recognize them- I don't own it.

"Mark, we're fine. She just had a long day- babies cry. It's usually not the end of the world. Plus she had to deal with a ton of people- who knew Joanne's family was that large?" Maureen Johnson whispered, shutting the door to the nursery. "You don't have to come over."

"Mo, I know what today is for you. I want to be there. Plus I haven't seen my Goddaughter in ages. I bet she's getting big."

"Fine. If you insist- please come. Just give me like an hour. I have a letter to read to her and I'd like to be alone for that." Maureen's mind momentarily drifted to thoughts of the shoe box in the closet and the stacks of envelopes in it.

"Okay, Maureen. I'll buzz you when I get there."

Mark hung up.

Maureen bit down on her lower lip, trying to contain her tears. She had never imagined life would be like this. They had been supposed to do this together. Joanne, Maureen and their beautiful daughter... Now, it was just Maureen and their daughter- Joanne gone to wherever the other side had led her to.

"I can do this. It was one of her final wishes." She lightly shuffled over to the hall closet. Wrenching the door open, she pulled out the old Converse box. "Who knew an entire life could fit in a box?" Removing the lid, she lightly shuffled through the envelopes before pulling out the envelope labeled with "Matisse Margeux- Year One" in Joanne's careful cursive.

Jo, I am about to break the number one Mama rule for you. Everyone knows you never wake a sleeping baby. Maureen thought, opening the door to the nursery. She paused before just pulling the rocking chair over to the round maple crib. On second thought, I'll let her sleep but I'll just read it to her. Learning by osmosis...

Maureen ripped open the envelope, careful not to tear anything with Joanne's writing on it. After taking several deep breaths, she pulled out the piece of stationary.

"Okay, Mattie, this is from your mommy. She went to Heaven a year ago but it was her wish that you got a letter a year from her until you turned eighteen and then for every major adult thing you did after that. I know you're not used to serious Mama but I miss your Mommy so much. These are her words to you on your first birthday..." She cleared her throat as she began to read out loud.

Dear Mattie,

Happy first birthday, Baby Girl. I can't believe it has been one year since we met- I bet you are looking nothing like you did when we met. You're probably bigger with more hair and more teeth. Maybe you're not a baby anymore but starting to grow into a child.

Mommy never wanted to leave you, Little One. I wanted to be there for everything. The first smile. The first laugh. The first...everything. I left so you could have a life. Never forget that you have a mommy who loved you so much that she left so you could live. You're much too small to understand that but I know one day, Mama will tell you everything.

What can I say? You're currently kicking in my belly as I write this. It's so hard to imagine me not being there. Your little kicks are a miracle. With all the miracles I've seen in the world, your gentle kicking is the most miraculous of them all.

Your name is Matisse Margaux Jefferson-Johnson. It's a very long name for such a little girl but with names like Maureen and Joanne, your moms wanted to make sure you never blended into the crowd. If Mama hasn't changed her mind, we call you Mattie. It seems to fit you- you kick like a Mattie.

When I thought about this project, I thought that the words would come so easy. I always imagined that I would have forever to tell you everything that I wanted to tell you. To be there for your every milestone...

Since I can't, I suppose I just want to say Happy Birthday. I'm not sure how else to describe what I'm thinking. Just know Mommy loves you so very much and would give anything in the world to be right there with you right now.

Happy birthday, Mattie.

Love always,

Mommy

Tears streamed down Maureen's silent face. She had known that she would be expected to be the keeper of the letters but she had never thought for one second that it would be this hard to read her dead wife's words.

Standing up, she pulled the sleeping baby out of the crib and into her arms. Matisse seemed to get fussy for the first few moments until she realized she was in her Mama's arms where she promptly fell back to sleep.

"Joanne..." Maureen spoke to the dead air. "We miss you so much. She has your eyes and it pains me to realize that it's been a year since we've seen each other. I love you..." She sunk into the silence, just rocking with the baby.

That was how Mark found her an hour later...