Chapter 15: "Someone to Watch Over Me"
So our house hasn't seen this much action since that time in 1949 when Rosalie lost her favorite earring and made life unbearable for us all until we found it. I still don't think Emmett has told her that he just bought a new one and passed it off as her grandmother's pearl earring.
There is baby furniture getting put together, stuff getting painted and Emmett and Jasper are even testing all the baby toys. They've been doing all this research on which toys are the safest, the most likely to encourage development of creativity and intelligence, the whole nine yards. Emmett is now swearing that the reason he was dumb enough to get almost killed by a bear is that all he had to play with were logs and rodents and stuff. And he insists that since the soldiers I loved to play with as a child were made of lead and apparently painted with, like, poison, he's surprised I lived to 17 and certainly must have deformed testicles or something.
Like I really need to be worrying about testicle deformities when I could be mind-fucking myself about whether Bella has no interest in me because she's not into guys who drink blood or it's my own personal brand of creepiness that puts her off.
So Jasper starts telling me how Bella's put me in the "friend zone."
"What the hell is that?" I swear he makes this stuff up. I mean, we don't sleep so he has plenty of time.
"Like, when she feels comfortable talking to you about stuff and sees you as a friend and not as a romantic possibility," Jasper explains to me.
"So, I should be less friendly? I should be more of a dick? I don't get what you're suggesting." My siblings really piss me off sometimes. I mean, those assholes had it easy. Jasper walks into a goddamn diner, for Christ's sake, and Alice just goes, "Oh, you're it for me," or whatever. Rose finds a half-dead redneck in the fucking forest, of all places, and that's it. Poof! You're mated. No dating. No sitting around wondering if the other person likes you or has you in the freakin' "friend zone" or the "you seem nice for a stalker zone" or whatever.
I don't really have a lot of opportunities to do anything but play hard to get over the next week or so anyway because my sister and mother are dominating Bella's time so much. They are barely even letting her come to work and when she does it looks more like a pajama party than a detective's office with all the women hanging out and talking newborn fashion choices and ergonomically correct strollers.
After two week of constant exposure to the women in my family she breathes a big sigh of relief when we get in the car to go to the obstetrician.
"Don't get me wrong, I love your family and they're doing a lot for me, but they haven't left me alone in two weeks." Bella relaxes into the seat of the Volvo and looks over at me curiously. "Are they always like this?"
"They are pretty excited about the baby. I'm sure Esme told you she had a young son who died and Alice and Rosalie never had a chance to have children. You are giving them an amazing opportunity."
Bella smiles. "Yeah, I'm glad you guys are so supportive. But Alice has been giving me pedicures. I mean, who's going to look at my feet? I can't even see them."
I have tons of questions I still want to ask but I am really wary of being overly intrusive. Luckily, Dr. Richards doesn't have that same compulsion and he asks Bella why the information hasn't been filled out on the father's medical history. He glances at me with embarrassment because he has apparently figured out that I'm not the father. Like with math or whatever.
"Uh," Bella looks at the ground, or as much of the ground as she can see from the exam table. She's clearly embarrassed.
"Is it necessary?" I ask. She shoots me a grateful look. Dr. Richards sighs.
"It would be helpful but not necessary. Perhaps you could send the father a form? That way if you don't wish to speak to him…"
"Yeah," Bella says quickly. "I can do that."
"It would be of benefit to you and your child to know the father's medical history. I wouldn't bring it up otherwise. Obviously this is an uncomfortable situation." I can hear in the doctor's thoughts that he feels bad for bringing this up and then his next thought stops me in my tracks. "It's good of him to support another man's child like this. I wonder if he'll marry her?"
And there you have it. My new best friend, Dr. Richards OBGYN, has just given me a fantastic idea. Bella may not be crazy about me but would she turn down an opportunity to provide her baby with a stable home with a (vampire) dad? She said herself that it was difficult being pregnant and having no significant other. My selflessness knows no bounds. And, since I'm all noble and crap, she'll come to love me, right?
But time is of the essence and I have a little prep-work to do for this. I have to find my mom's ring in the mess of my hastily moved room. I also have to decide on timing. My instinct is to ask her before the baby is born, to capitalize on maximum emotional vulnerability.
It's a plan. Thank you, Dr. Richards.
Bella still seems a little uncomfortable when we leave my new best friend's office. I look at her with concern.
"Are you alright?" I ask, and she shrugs her shoulders at me.
"Yeah, that was a little embarrassing and I feel bad for making you look like a sucker like that."
"What do you mean?" I just don't get the way she thinks sometimes, it's really disconcerting. Like watching a clown buy beer.
"Well, Dr. Richards must think you're a pushover, dating a woman who's pregnant with someone else's baby." I shake my head vehemently and laugh.
"Actually, he thinks that I'm a really awesome guy for not caring about that." She looks at me with surprise. I nod my head. "Seriously. Dude thinks I'm like Mother Theresa or something." She laughs.
'Well, if you're continuing to feel saintly, can I ask you to do something for me?" I gaze at her, willing her to ask me to cherish her forever or make out with her or something. Which I would totally do.
"Can we go to a bookstore on the way home? I don't want to ask your sisters to take me on a shopping trip for fear I'd never make it home."
"Of course," I say, a little disappointed she didn't ask for something bigger so I could impress her with my largess.
While in the bookstore I try out walking a little closer to her and then listening for other customers thoughts about us. I am practically getting drunk off of the "What an attractive couple" and "They must be so happy. I wonder when she's due" thoughts I'm picking up. What can I say? This annoying ability has to be good for something, right?
Anyhow, the "finding the ring" part of the plan goes off without a hitch but I hit a serious snag on the getting time alone with Bella part. My family continues to dominate her attention and refuse to leave me alone with her. If I couldn't read their thoughts I would be sure they were doing it on purpose.
I finally get the opportunity I've been waiting for just five days before her due date. I am at the office brooding over word choices. I am really torn between romantic and practical. I mean, I want my proposal to be memorable and poignant and all that crap. And yet, I feel like I have a better chance of being accepted if I'm pragmatic. You know, "You would feel so much better if you had someone with a penis in your life so your baby will have a dad" kind of thing. But without the "penis" part, of course. I'm not a total animal.
I'm coming up with alternative word choices when I hear her in the outside office.
"Edward?" she calls out and I speed over to the door. She smiles when she sees me.
"Hi! I escaped from this family of crazed vampires. Can I hang out here for a while? Just for the quiet?" I laugh and nod.
"Of course." I am pondering whether this might be my opportunity. I go into my office and close the door for a second while I try to psych myself up.
I am less than thrilled by where the office comes in on the "romantic ambiance" scale and decide I'll ask her if she wants to take a walk. I figure I can find a better spot, a park or a spot in the nearby woods or really just anyplace that doesn't have an office supply cabinet in it.
I am fixing my hair futilely in the mirrored surface of my lamp, which makes my face look misshapen in a really unnerving way, and calling out to her, "Bella, do you want to take a walk or something?" when I hear a slight cry from the outer office.
I run into the office to see her leaning over the desk, clutching her stomach.
"Bella, what's wrong?" I am terrified. She takes a deep, shaky breath and looks up at me.
"Yeah, I would love to take a walk but I think it would be better to drive." I look at her in confusion. "Edward, I think I might be pregnant," she says with a slight laugh.
"I don't underst…"
"Edward, I think I'm going into labor. Can you take me to the hospital?" She looks at me like I'm stupid. Which I guess I am. Then when I realize what's happening I pick her up and start for the door.
"Edward," she says, as we get to the door. I stop and look at her with concern. "Let's not attract a lot of unnecessary attention by speed running through the street, OK?" I nod at her, so nervous I can't even respond.
I get her to the hospital at a somewhat natural speed. I figure I could talk Chief Swan out of any speeding ticket I incurred getting his daughter to the hospital.
What doesn't surprise me is that my whole family is already there. Goddamn Alice already knew, of course. I get Bella situated and tell her I'm going to call her dad and Dr. Richards. When I see Alice I give her the death-look and start to ask why she didn't bother warning me.
Before I even get the words out she grins. "The frantic rush to the hospital is a part of every new father's experience. I didn't want to deny you that." Which is actually kind of sweet, if you think about it.
"I'll make the calls. You go be with Bella," Alice shoos me back into the room and I sit back down with Bella.
The nurses step out of the room for a moment and I decide that it's now or never. I scoot closer to Bella and reach into my pocket for the ring.
"Bella, I don't want you to have to worry about anything, OK?" She looks at me a little distractedly. I guess this whole labor thing can be a real conversation killer.
"I want you to know that you and the baby are always going to be taken care of and," I take a big unnecessary breath while I get ready to pop the question. "I am hoping that you will do me the honor of marrying me." I bust out the ring and she looks at me in surprise. And then she clutches her hand to her stomach again and frowns.
"Edward, that is really chivalrous and everything," she stops to pant heavily. "But if you want to help me out you could get the nurse back in here and tell her that I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a baby, uh, now." She clenches her eyes closed and a whimper comes out from between her lips. I jump up frantically but Alice is already pushing the nurses into the room and ushering me out.
That didn't go as smoothly as I hoped but she didn't say no, right?
a/n: S.M. owns it, EverlastingMuse betas it and I just make them dance like crazy puppets on the end of my maniacal string. Thank you, AGAIN, to my personal PR person, WriteOnTime, for pushing this insanity on anyone who will listen and/or can read.
Thank you for all the hilarious reviews. I think Tuesday is just going to be the new update day for this mess, I just cannot seem to make it happen on Sunday. JuJu