The Red Eye Chapter 15: Mickey Finn
Thomas Charles Swan, six pounds, eleven ounces, is a very special baby. And I don't just mean that in the "he's a special baby to me because Bella spawned him and I love her" way. Although that's true.
No, Thomas is a special baby because, once they finally let the anxious male vampires who've been pacing around outside the hospital room in to see his squirmy pinkness, we figure out why Jasper hasn't been able to sense Bella's feelings.
And yes, I said "vampires", plural. As much as Emmett and I try to act like we wait around for human babies to be born every day, we are totally antsy and driving Jasper nuts. Even though Bella thought she was going to pop that baby out right away, that was really just a bunch of wishful thinking on her part. She ended up being in labor for like nine hours, and Jasper was clawing into the waiting room furniture and thinking about chewing the metal brackets that held the television up on the wall.
We kept trying to convince each other to leave, but no one wanted to miss when the baby was born, and then we'd start arguing and then Carlisle would have to come tell us that we were scaring people out of the waiting room and that he was going to kick us out.
So we would all calm down for like three minutes and Emmett would start watching some infomercial and I would beg him to change it and then Jasper would suggest that I go hunt or something and then Emmett would jump on the bandwagon and I would refuse and then I would tell Jasper to go hunt if he was so overwhelmed by my emotions and then he would refuse and then Emmett would yell that he couldn't hear his infomercial and then Jasper would yell, "What are you going to do with a fucking Pasta Boat anyway?" and then Emmett would start telling him and I would offer to buy him seven Pasta Boats if he would just get the hell out of here for twenty minutes and then he would say that I was the one being a dick and Jasper would say that we were both being dicks and then we would all start yelling and then Carlisle would come back in and tell us that this was our last warning and we would calm down for like three minutes.
So it was a relief when Esme came out and said that Bella and Thomas were doing well, and that it was ok for us see her and the baby. I might have jabbed Emmett in the throat in my insistence to go in first. What?
So we go piling into her room, and Rose and Alice decide to clear out because it's a pretty tiny room and seven vampires seemed like a bit much. Chief Swan had been lurking with us for a while, but had had to go get some sleep.
Bella looked…well, I'd love to say that she looked great but, really? She looked like she'd been run over. But she looked pretty happy, and Thomas was just adorable. I mean, everyone says that babies are cute but, really, some of them just aren't. Some of them have misshapen heads or faces or that weird baby acne or too much hair. But Thomas was really cute, even if he was a little wrinkly.
Esme warned us that we could only stay for a few minutes, because Bella and the baby were tired.
Emmett kind of leaned over Bella and looked at Thomas. "Wow, he's really tiny, huh?"
Bella blinked at him and then gave him a half smile before saying, "Yeah, Emmett, they start out that way so they can fit into baby clothes." I laughed, and she looked at me shyly.
"Edward, do you want to hold him?" I am a bit torn by this. I really want to hold the baby because: a) it would help Bella to see me as an appropriate father substitute and, b) he's kind of cute and pink and that makes you want to touch stuff, right? But I'm afraid to hold the baby because: a) I might freak him out with my coldness or what a scary vampire I am and, b) what if I do it wrong and break him or hold him upside down or something?
I am wavering, staring at the wrapped-up lump in Bella's arms, when Esme takes the initiative and picks him up and hands him to me gently.
It's pretty amazing. He's all warm and tiny, and his eyes are part way open but he clearly can't really see anything, and he just does drooly things with his mouth. I'm pretty sure I'm staring at him like he's made of frickin' diamonds or something.
You look like a total pussy right now! Emmett smirks at me. I glare at him. I don't really care about how much of a pussy I look like; I mean, I have already been totally emasculated by proposing to Bella and having her blow me off, so I figure my balls are already on sale in the gift shop down stairs.
"Emmett, why don't you hold him," Jasper suggests, and I can tell he's got something on his mind because he's looking at Thomas and I speculatively. I give him an inquiring look, but he signals to me to hand Emmett the baby.
Which I do, reluctantly. Then Jasper gestures to Emmett and thinks, Can you hear Emmett's thoughts?
To my surprise, the vapid inner workings of Emmett's mind are suddenly dimmed way down. Not gone, but much quieter. I look back at Jasper. He shakes his head subtly. I can't get a strong read on his feelings, either.
"Jasper, do you want to hold him?" Jasper shakes his head when Esme asks him. "Not yet. I will, though." He smiles at Bella, who doesn't seem offended. Actually, she seems kind of comatose so Esme ushers us out of there and insists that we leave the hospital before Carlisle comes back, because he's apparently a bit angry at us for the damage we did to the waiting room.
We reluctantly bid Bella and Thomas goodbye, neither one of whom seem to care that we're leaving, and go home.
"So, I think that Thomas is some kind of shield, but he can shield thoughts and emotions and he can do it by touch." Jasper says to me once we're in the car.
"Yeah, that sounds right. Except it's not perfect. I could get a little bit of Emmett's idiocy, but I had to probe for it," I add.
"Dude! I knew you wanted to probe me!" Emmett says. Of course. I can't even get irritated because I walked right into that one.
"This is interesting. We'll have to talk it over with Carlisle."
"Are you able to pick up Bella's emotions now?" I ask Jasper. He nods.
"Well, you'll have to let me know what's going on there sometime, because I am clueless." Jasper looks a little embarrassed at this. He rubs the back of his neck, like he's got, what? A vampire itch?
"Yeah, the missus mentioned that you got yourself shot down." I shake my head in disbelief.
"She saw it happening, huh?" I ask. Jasper laughs nervously.
"Yeah, but she said that it was 'necessary,'" Jasper does these little air quotes. Which look as effeminate as you might imagine they do. Emmett laughs.
"I don't know if it was 'necessary' for Eddie to get rejected anymore than he already has been. I mean, the guy's already…"
"You know, Emmett," I interrupt. "I'd like you to reflect on your marriage before you start talking about rejection. I don't know if you recall 1987? You know, when your wife made you sleep outside for like six months for making fun of her dress?"
Jasper laughs and adds, "Yeah, remember that time in 1972 when she made him wear that light blue suit because it matched her earrings! And then he got too close to the candles and…"
"Ok! Enough!" Emmett roared over our laughter. "I'm sorry, Eddie. I hope your human agrees to marry you, or at least get freaky with you. It'd be nice having her and the baby around."
"Yeah, I'm thinking we could just have you carry him around in a snuggly or something so I don't have to feel your feelings of rejection and angst all the time." Jasper says to me, as he pulls up to the house and we get out.
"Dude, you know what a snuggly is," Emmett starts snickering. Jasper shoots him a dirty look.
"Yeah, that won't look weird or anything. A vampire with a baby strapped to his chest." I roll my eyes at Jasper, even though the idea has a sort of sick appeal for me.
So Esme gives me the heads-up that proposing to someone while they are getting ready to give birth is probably not excellent planning. I wish someone had mentioned that before, but I figure I'll just wait until I can talk with Bella again so I can reiterate my offer.
With my usual selflessness and altruism, I figure the sooner the better. I mean, what better time to offer to rescue a woman than when she's in the throes of her initial few weeks of caring for a new infant? It's like vulnerability-city, right?
Except that my family has nothing better to do than to hover around her and the baby, like, all the time. And they don't sleep. After two weeks, Bella finally tells them that it might be a good idea if Thomas learns what it feels like to be in a crib or bed.
"I swear, this kid is never going to learn how to sleep without being held," she shakes her head the third time Rose came into her room in one morning to hold him. "You guys can't hold him until he's sixteen. He'll have to learn to walk if he ever wants to date, right?"
Rose laughs, embarrassed, and pulls Emmett with her out of the room Bella and Thomas share.
"Can I stay if I promise not to pick him up?" I ask her. Bella smiles at me.
"Of course. I hope I didn't offend Rose, but this baby needs to know how to go to sleep without someone holding him."
"Of course," I nod. Bella is checking her email and I hear her give a little sigh.
"What's up?" She looks at me with a minute frown on her face.
"It's Jacob Black. The...my other supernatural friends want to see Thomas, but they don't want to come out to 'Castle Dracula.' They want me to bring Thomas out there."
My temptation is to scream "Absolutely Not!" and throw a big tantrum here but I doubt that's going to go over well, given that I have, like, no right to boss her around.
As nonchalantly as I can, I say, "Well, when you're ready to start introducing Thomas to the outside world, I can drive you as far as town. I'm not really welcome on the rez, though."
"Thank you. I appreciate that." Bella starts to type a message back to the smelly teenager. I wander around with forced casualness until she's done and then I say, as lightly as I can, as if I have no opinion as to her answer, "Have you given any thought to what we talked about?" Bella looks at me blankly for a moment. Then a flicker of recognition comes across her face.
"Yeah, Edward. I think it's a great idea. I told you that a month ago," she shakes her head at me with a smile.
"A month ago? What are you talking about? I just asked you twelve days ago." I frown at her. Did a marriage proposal slip out of my mouth when I wasn't paying attention? Is that even possible for a vampire? I mean, we don't forget anything, and we don't do drugs. Except that time that Emmett ate that lion that Jasper had given a massive dose of animal tranquilizers. That was the year that Carlisle said we couldn't go on any more safaris.
"You're talking about switching us over to Macs, right?" Bella looks at me like I'm stupid. Which I might be. It all depends on how much time and energy you think is worth spending on a girl who exhibits little or no interest in you. I don't think I want you to answer that.
"No," I look at her pointedly. Then I gesture to my ring finger and raise my eyebrows at her. A look of chagrin crosses her face.
"Oh, that," Bella says quietly, looking embarrassed. She's embarrassed? "I hope you didn't think I was rude, I was a little distracted." I wave my hand at her dismissively.
"No, Esme explained to me that the timing of my question was poor. I would like to know what you think." I am the picture of cool, waiting for her to respond.
"Well, Edward, I think that you are really a gentleman, and I appreciate your kindness and your concern for Thomas and I." She pauses and I know I'm totally getting shot down again. The image of a warplane, plummeting to ground, belching flames and oily smoke fills my head. And by "warplane" I mean "my heart."
"Don't you think that marriage should have...Don't you think that people should marry people that they are attracted to? I think that intimacy is an important part of a good marriage." She is incredibly uncomfortable about having this conversation with me and I am about to jump out the window so I don't throw myself on the ground and try to cry.
She's not attracted to me. She doesn't want to marry me because she wants to have an actual sex life with someone who isn't me.
I think I manage to leave the room without being a total abrupt dick, but I'm not sure. I go downstairs and am getting ready to storm out of the house like the heartbroken adolescent that I am in this moment, when Emmett claps a hand on my shoulder.
"Sorry, Sport," he says, with genuine sympathy.
"You heard that? Great!" I shake him off and keep walking towards the door. Not only did I get shot down for real by the woman I'm sure is the love of my endless, ridiculous life, but my whole family probably heard it. I hope there's a campfire nearby so I can throw myself into it, regardless of how many Boy Scouts are watching.
"Look on the bright side," Emmett says, following me. Right now the only "bright side" I'm seeing is that campfire. I'm about to ruin someone's rendition of "Kumbaya."
"Emmett, I am so skeptical about there being a 'bright side' to this," I slow down slightly only to take out some of my frustration on my brother. It's like "emotional tag."
"I just got an email from the cousins. They're coming down early to check out the squirmy one. They'll be here next week."
"How is that good? Tanya trying to stick her tongue down my throat all the time is only going to make me more miserable!" That's it. I'm going on vacation. Anywhere. The surface of the sun is looking pretty good right now.
"Well, sometimes women don't appreciate something until someone else has it. Maybe if Bella thinks that you and Tanya are an item, she'll realize that she wants you after all." Emmett sounds pretty sure of himself. But then he sounded pretty confident about that whole "your vintage 1968 Mustang will totally function as an off-road vehicle" thing back in '94. I still miss that car.
I stop and look at him warily. "Do you think it'll work?"
Emmett shrugs his shoulders. "What have you got to lose?"
Only my pride, potentially the respect of my family, and - if Tanya gets the wrong idea - the contents of my stomach and/or my virtue.
It's worth a shot.
a/n: I don't own it but that doesn't stop me. Thanks to my brand-spanking new beta Betham for making this prettier. That really long run-on sentence at the beginning is totally all my artistic pretension, she has no responsibility for it. She chewed through her pencil trying not to fix it!
Thanks so much for your patience! I actually lost my calendar and forgot that yesterday was Tuesday! Thanks for all the reviews! (that I reply to on a intermittent basis just to keep you guessing) JuJu