The Third Man
I am relaxing in my office, wondering if Bella would be interested in watching "Double Indemnity" with me that night when, horrifyingly, I find myself staring at Rose's pointing, accusatory finger.
I jump up so quickly that my rolling chair goes flying towards the wall. It bounces off of said wall, denting it, and shoots off at an angle. It actually makes me think that Emmett, Jasper and I could play a gigantic game of pool with cars and an abandoned warehouse. I don't have much of a chance to enjoy my brilliant new idea before Rose's finger pokes me in the nose. Hard.
"What are you going to do about it, Edward?" She is in full-on fury mode. I have no idea what I did to get her this mad, but I haven't seen her this mad (at anyone who wasn't Emmett) since Jasper had that freak-out in New Hampshire in 1988. We had just moved there, and Rose had this huge closet, and she was furious about having to leave. Like it's a good idea for a vampire to go to a hockey game.
"About what?" Rose's head fills with images of Thomas. Are you just going to let someone take him away? I honestly don't know if Rose's yelling is worse out loud or in my head, but both are unpleasant. I am filled with apprehension, both from Rose's anger and the thought that someone would take Thomas away.
"Who's going to take Thomas away?" Someone's going to try to take Thomas away from a bunch of vampires? Really?
"What if his…biological father decides he wants to be a part of his life? They have rights, you know. What are we going to do then?" Rosalie has a good point. My initial impulse is to track him down and kill him, but I'm pretty sure that would upset Bella. Plus, it's morally wrong. Which I am perfectly willing to disregard if it wasn't also going to make Bella upset.
"Well, clearly we have to do something, but I don't really want to plan anything without Bella being involved." Rosalie looks at me with such disdain that I'm tempted to look in the mirror to see if I've suddenly turned into Emmett or something.
"If we're going to do something…permanent, I don't think we should involve her." Rose looks at me pointedly. She has images of us pushing a faceless, generic teenage boy off of a cliff.
"Well, I'm trying this new thing where I tell Bella the truth about stuff so that she actually trusts me."
"Why?" Rose totally doesn't get it. I ask her, "Don't you tell Emmett the truth about stuff?"
She snorts at me. "You're kidding, right? Emmett and I have been together for, what, seventy-five years? Do you really think that's because I tell him the truth when he asks me if I think he's smart, or if I ever think about other guys, or if I think that his poetry is good?"
"Emmett writes poetry?" This I have to see. Rose shakes her head.
"Yeah, mostly limericks. Although he did go through a little haiku phase when they made that Mishima book into a movie. You know, the one where the kids attack the guy? Remember he went through that Japanese phase?"
"Oh, yeah. I was trying to block it. That whole sumo wrestling thing was just a little disturbing." Rose nods.
"Tell me. If I wanted to be married to a guy in a diaper, I wouldn't have had Carlisle change him, you know?"
"Rose, he was dying."
"I don't know. You know how he exaggerates. Maybe a couple of bandages and a tourniquet and he would have been ok."
Just then Jasper comes in. "Did you ask him?" he asks Rose. She nods.
"Well, what do you think we should do?" Jasper asks me. What got everyone all worried about this today of all days I don't know. Like there was a "baby repo man" driving through the neighborhood or something.
"Jasper, do you tell Alice the truth about everything?" Rose asks.
"Don't have to. She already knows. Anyway, I think we should get a lawyer," he says. "Someone in family law who can help us figure out what rights the sperm donor has and how to take them away. If we can't do that, then we kill him."
"I've been to law school," Rose says with a pout.
"Yeah, so has Emmett. Kind of takes the wind out of your sails, doesn't it? Anyway, you haven't taken the bar exam in Washington and I don't want to screw this up by having dubious legal representation." Rose nods, agreeing reluctantly. "I'll call Bella and see if it's ok for us to make an appointment with a lawyer."
Esme answers the phone when I call home and she goes to get Bella.
"What's up, Edward?" she says, slightly breathless. Which would be hot, except that it's probably just from coming in from the back yard.
"Hi, Sweetie, how are you?" Rose rolls her eyes at me while Jasper smirks. I don't care. Seriously.
"I'm good. Did you need something? I was just about to teach Emmett how to change diapers."
"Yeah, um, I was hoping that it would be ok with you if we set up a meeting with a family lawyer. You know, to deal with any potential issues that might come up around paternity?" There's a moment of silence and suddenly I'm totally feeling Rosalie's advice about honesty. Never a good idea. And then she speaks.
"Yeah, that would be a good idea. I actually know a good lawyer I can call. I'll see if he can come to the house so everyone can be there, ok?"
"Yeah, that sounds good." I get off the phone and usher Rose and Jasper out of the office before writhing around in jealousy for a few minutes. Totally unreasonable, I know, but I am irked. If Bella has to know a lawyer I would much rather it be a nice woman.
I manage to give myself the "it's totally not a big deal" talk before I get home, which is a good thing because apparently Bella's attorney friend has an incredibly open schedule and will be coming by tonight. The cousins are on a trip to Vegas for the Adult Entertainment Awards or they could be a useful distraction for her "friend."
"Bella, honey, your friend eats food, right?" Esme asks from the kitchen.
"Yeah, Esme. Are you going to make something?" Esme nods, pulling some vegetables out of the refrigerator. Esme's getting pretty good at the whole human food thing. Bella helps her while I hold Thomas. I get him out of earshot of Bella so I can say "daddy" to him repeatedly while pointing to myself.
All I'm really getting out of him are giggles, though, and I'm hoping he eats something besides boob soon so I can start bribing him; or reinforcing desired behaviors, if you prefer. I hear a car pulling up in front of the house.
I look out the living room window and am struck by this overwhelming sense of deja-vu when I realize that not only is Bella's mechanic a wolf, but so is her lawyer.
Actually, I don't think he's an actual, transforming, furry, clothing-destroying wolf, but he's definitely Quileute. He is probably too old to have gotten caught in the genetic lottery; he looks like he's in his late 20's. He's wearing a pinstriped suit and sunglasses. He pulls a briefcase out of his Lexus convertible and looks around the outside of the house with a slight smirk.
"Bella, your shyster is here!" Emmett comes thundering down the stairs wearing a suit and wingtips. I guess Emmett's decided to trot out his lawyer costume.
There's a knock at the door and Rose walks over to answer it. She sees him and says, "You're kidding me, right?"
Bella's friend smirks at her and then pokes his head in and looks around. He sniffs the room and winces.
"Jesus, it smells like someone boiled a Strawberry Shortcake doll in corn syrup in here!" Bella comes in from the kitchen and smiles at him.
"Quil! Thanks for coming out. I'm so glad you agreed to help us!" She gives him a hug and I only keep myself from growling by reminding myself that I'm holding Thomas and I don't want to frighten him. Bella pulls away from him and faces the rest of us.
"This is Quil Ateara. He's a family lawyer in Seattle, but he was nice enough to come out to meet with us." She starts introducing him around the room and we try to be gracious. To his credit, he knows that we aren't thrilled, but he is polite as introductions are made. She introduces me last.
"Quil, this is Edward." Quil smiles at me. "The boyfriend, huh?" I am momentarily taken aback, but I give him a nod as I extend my hand as much as I can and still keep from jostling Thomas. He takes my hand and shakes it.
"This must be the cause of all this fuss," Quil says, gesturing to Thomas with a smile.
"That's Thomas. Do you want to hold him?" Quil gets a look of fake horror on his face and waves his hands helplessly. "Oh, God, no. Never touch the stuff." He looks around and gestures to the couches in the living room. "Shall we get started?" Esme gets him seated and goes off to get him a drink. We all take seats. I pull Bella down next to me, and she takes Thomas from me with a smile.
"So, if I understand correctly, we are meeting to determine what rights Thomas's biological father has?" He pulls out a yellow legal pad and a pen and looks around at the collected faces in the room.
"I think that our major concern is that Thomas stay with us. I don't want to deny anyone their parental rights, but I don't think that…" Esme's voices drift off as she imagines us having to share him.
"Well, frankly, Esme, I think we should be thinking in terms of denying people their parental rights. I mean, first off, you guys have money. What if this guy…" his voice trails off as he gestures to Bella for the name. She pauses before saying, "Tyler" quietly. He continues, "What if this guy Tyler sees the kind of money you guys obviously have, and decides to sue for custody just to get his hands on some? Even worse, what if he decides to sue for visitation and he spends enough time around you guys to pick up on the freak-factor? It's a bad idea all around and, I'm sorry, Bella, but the smartest thing to do is eliminate any possibility of that right away."
My family is silent for a minute and then I say, "Well, I agree. Is that alright with you, Bella?" I look at Bella.
"Well, wait until I finish," Quil says. "The other issue here is that you don't want to just snuff this guy or cut him off completely. What if, God forbid, Thomas were to need a kidney or some bone-marrow? What if Bella wants Thomas to be able to seek out his father when he's older? I think what we need to do here is get the sucker to sign a binding agreement that says he relinquishes his custodial rights, but will make himself available in the case of one of these scenarios. Does that sound acceptable?"
I think I love this guy. If I had suggested snuffing "Tyler", Bella would have been furious. But you get a legal professional - using the term "professional" loosely, of course - saying the same thing, and she actually looks convinced.
"It sound right, but how are you going to get him to agree to this?" Bella speaks cautiously. Quil smiles at her.
"Well, as your legal counsel, I am going to suggest a two-part approach. First, you scare the shit out of him in some creepy vampire way, and then you give him a ton of money. I don't know this clown, but I'm going to wager that it'll work."
Alice breaks the second stunned silence with laughter. She nods at us, and then gets up and walks over to Quil. She holds out her hand.
"Let me take your coat, Quil. You've got a contract to write." He grins at her and slips out of his sport coat. "Emmett?" he says. "You look like a discriminating professional. You got a laptop or something I could use?" Emmett jumps up and goes to get his computer. "Esme, Dollface, can I get another scotch?" He holds up his glass for Esme and she happily obliges him.
Bella looks at me. "I guess that means it works?" She has a slight frown on her face. I reach out and smooth out her frown gently. "Yeah, Alice saw it working. We're going to Arizona."
"So, Bella, this guy is a…satyr, an orc, maybe a leprechaun?" Bella laughs. "No, just a human teenager." Quil makes a note and looks up at her again, "Is he listed on the birth certificate?" She blushes and shakes her head. "No, I left it blank. He can still prove paternity through a test though, right?"
Quil nods his head. "I'm going to suggest that you amend the birth certificate to list tall, white and thirsty here as the dad. I mean, if that's amenable to you, Edward?"
I nod carefully, trying not to get up and kiss this guy. I couldn't have scripted this better if I had tried. I look at Bella, trying to see if she's ok with the idea. She looks wary, but she nods as well.
"Great. I can see the resemblance, now that you mention it. I mean, you both only drink fluids, right?" Quil winks at me. Just then Emmett comes downstairs with his computer.
"Hey, Quil, what's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?" Quil smiles at Emmett. Great, Emmett's started on his lawyer jokes.
"One is a slimy, bottom-dwelling, scum-sucker. The other's a fish." Emmett laughs at his own joke and, surprisingly, so does Quil.
"Emmett, what do lawyers use for birth control?" Quil asks him.
Emmett yells, "Their personalities!" The two of them are howling with laughter.
Quil wipes the tears out of his eyes and says, "Ok, one more. These two attorneys are walking out of a bar and a beautiful woman walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and says 'Boy, I would like to screw her.' The other attorney thinks for a second and then he says, 'Out of what?'" Quils eyes get wide as he remembers that Bella's in the room. "Oh shit, I mean, shoot, Bella, I'm sorry!"
Bella laughs and waves a hand. "It's ok, Quil. I'm glad you like each other so much."
Quil smiles wryly and says, "Yeah, don't tell Uncle Billy. I mean, he knows I'm doing this, but he was just all about protecting your rights. I don't think these guys are going to take advantage of you, even if they are, you know." He waves his hand at Emmett and I.
"Fuck-awesome?" Emmett says with a smile. Quil laughs. "Yeah, that and, dead and stuff."
Quil and Emmett get to work and Rosalie comes down to join them. I follow Bella upstairs to put Thomas down. He's spit up on her sweater and she's trying to clean up. I watch her ministrations for a minute quietly.
Finally, she looks at me somewhat warily. "Should I even ask what you guys are going to do?" I smile at her and put my hands on her upper arms.
"Bella, I will tell you the truth if you really want to know. But I don't think that you do." She rolls her eyes.
"I should just trust you, huh?" I nod.
She smiles at me sweetly. "I trust you."
Well, it's not the three words I'd most like to hear but it'll do for now.
a/n: This chapter is dedicated to Nitareality, Criosa and MeerNaamJoker. You guys know why. I need to thank Betham for betaing this, even though I sent it to her at the last minute! Thank you to everyone out there pimping my ridiculousness, especially the sublime WriteOnTime.
And since I know everyone's dying to see it, here's one of Emmett's limericks:
"There once was a woman named Rose,
Who saved me from death I suppose.
That bear left me for dead,
Carlisle bit me instead.
She's hot when she takes off her clothes."