This chapter is dedicated to northstar61. Thank you so much for the inspiration and the support!
Please note the change in rating.
I.
Two hours later, she is still in his lap, and they are still making out. She didn't even know it was possible to simply kiss someone for as long as they have been at it.
She can feel that her hair is an absolute mess, and both of them are quite sweaty after hours of moving against each other, but she swears it's the happiest she's ever been.
That lasts until they hear the telltale signs of footsteps coming down the hall, and they both break apart at exactly the same time. His office is L-shaped, and she ducks behind the corner, backing up against the wall so that she can't be seen from the door.
She wonders if Jesse looks just as tellingly … disheveled as she feels, but, thankfully, it doesn't matter - it's only the janitor. Jesse says something to the man in Spanish, and he leaves without entering the room. Still, she doesn't dare move until she hears Jesse flip the lock on the door of his office; something they hadn't stopped to do before.
He rounds the corner, and, curiously, she thinks it's the first time they've actually looked at each other since she asked him to kiss her again.
They've been distracted.
The look on his face is profound but unreadable, and she's expecting him to say something that will attempt to explain what's been happening between them. However, it doesn't yet seem to be the time for talking, which saves her from deciding exactly what she herself was about to say in this situation.
He reaches for her again, and they're back at it, but this time she's no longer on his lap and he's using his weight to push her back against the wall; hand at her hip, fingers gripping hard.
He moves away from her for a split second to readjust and get comfortable, and her hips thrust out toward him of their own accord; her body chasing something she has never given it permission to seek.
It's that unconscious action that returns her to her senses. She pulls away; stunned at her own gall.
"I'm still a virgin," she squeaks out, though it sounds to her like it reverberates in the silence of the room. It comes out almost like an accusation; as if he had done something wrong, when it was her own body that was ready to betray her.
"I need you to know that," she finishes weakly, with a hint of traditional Rachel Berry self-assurance, though she doesn't actually meet his eyes.
She watches him react as if in slow motion. He removes his hand from where it had been resting on the wall beside her, and then turns away, probably so that he's not facing her when he readjusts his pants.
She wonders if he is going to call her immature and tell her to grow up and get out. She had been prepared for the fact that she was now in college; that the same virginal platitudes that she had used to keep Puck, then Finn, and less so Mike out of her bed probably wouldn't work the same way on college guys. She has been lucky so far, but Jesse isn't your typical college guy, either. He is older, more experienced, and she's sure that he's not used to settling for juvenile make out sessions anymore.
Still, she has never exactly figured out what the right way to say 'No' is.
She had imagined him finally giving in and kissing her hundreds of times before. She knows she led him on, had literally asked him to do it, but she had never given much thought to exactly what happens after you successfully seduced your teacher; probably because she had never really thought that it would ever get this far.
She hopes that he wasn't expecting her to… fuck him against the wall in his office.
She realizes almost absent-mindedly that silence really can be deafening.
"God, Rachel," he finally replies, and he sounds, if anything, exhausted. "I wasn't going to… this isn't about…"
He exhales sharply, and, surprisingly, takes a step towards her and runs his thumb over her sensitive lips, in what she is sure is the most intimate gesture she has ever been party to. "I wasn't going to have sex with you."
"I know," she whispers back.
She hadn't known, and it's a relief that he probably would have stopped them if she hadn't been able to stop herself. Given her reaction to him earlier, she is the one she's most worried about in this scenario.
His statement reminds her that he must have thought about this too. This – whatever this is between them – didn't just come from out of nowhere. He's obviously been a party to this attraction between them for months, and it thrills her that he has probably considered having her in this very situation, too.
But now that's he made it clear that he wasn't going to try to have sex with her, she's second-guessing even that. Does that mean he doesn't want to have sex with her, ever? Does he not want to continue this? Is he simply just trying to be nice even though she just dashed his hopes of a quick lay?
It's becoming quite clear how little she really knows him, but it's funny how she feels like she does.
She's never really dated anyone that she hasn't known before becoming his girlfriend. She's actually used to seeing her boyfriends in relationships with other girls before she gets the chance to date them.
Every romantic comedy she has ever seen has instructed her that what comes out next is the absolute wrong question to ask of any guy, but she can't help herself. She needs him to help her clarify the absolute pandemonium that are her thoughts right now; needs to know if he's experiencing anywhere near the same thing.
"What are we doing?"
"I don't know," he confesses, biting his lip to hide a guilty grin. "I never thought this would actually happen."
She can't help but smile, because it's the affirmation she needed that he had fantasized about this too. She's definitely not in this alone.
She is the one that steps forward this time, having gained confidence, and she runs her hands through his hair as they lose themselves in another mind-blowing kiss.
Her cell phone goes off, interrupting them once more, and this time he's the one leaning against the wall as he waits for her.
It's Sarah, her roommate. They were supposed to meet up twenty minutes ago for dinner before they went their separate ways for the summer. Oops.
"I'm in the bookstore," Rachel lies, "I came here after the party and I guess I lost track of time. I'll be home in twenty minutes."
It's quiet in the office, so Jesse can hear Sarah's end of the conversation through the phone as well.
"I knew this was going to happen," Sarah states almost accusatorily. "He's your teacher, Rachel. You can't get depressed because something could never happen between you two."
"Yeah," Rachel answers noncommittally, choosing the easy way out of lying.
"I'll make a run to the store," Sarah promises, sounding like every bit of the good friend that she is, and making Rachel feel even guiltier for lying. "We'll have ice cream and junk food for our last night together, and it will help you get over Professor Sexy once and for all."
She listens a bit impatiently to more of Sarah's description of their girls' night in. "Sounds good. I'll see you in a few," Rachel responds, before hanging up the call, pressing the 'End Call' button particularly hard.
When she finally meets Jesse's eyes, she's surprised to see a smirk on his face.
"Professor Sexy?" he mocks as he loops an arm around her waist, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
"She was talking about someone else," Rachel states, her lie blatantly obvious even if her shy, joking smile didn't give it away. "My math professor. He wears those blazers with the elbow pads. What else would you call him?"
He ignores her sarcastic prompt to abruptly change the topic. "I'm sorry we have to lie, but no one can know. It's just too dangerous." As he says this, he caresses her hair, and she's not sure that she could ever really say no to him.
"I understand," she agrees. "But I hate lying to her." She doesn't, however, hate that he's insinuating that there is something to lie about.
That may become a problem later.
"I'm going home to Ohio for a week," she informs him, "But then I'll be back for the summer to do an internship with Broadway Cares."
She's hoping that he will pick up on her unspoken question, and she is grateful to learn that he is a master at following her tacit clues.
"Then I will see you in a week," he promises her, "And we'll figure this out."
"I have to go," she states reluctantly, looking towards the door from the safety of his arms.
He nods, and moves with her towards the door, grasping the handle to pull it open for her.
They both sense the shift that will occur once she reenters the real world, and before she does, he leans down to kiss her one last time.
"One week," she says, and she can't explain why she is filled with more dread than hope.
"One week," he echoes. And then she leaves.
II.
Kurt comes over the day after she gets back to Lima, and she's almost bursting with excitement, so she can't help but tell him. She feels better about it after literally making him swear that he won't reveal what happened with Jesse to anyone, Blaine being the obvious exception.
He's at UCLA with Blaine, so he has only heard bits and pieces of the 'Professor Sexy saga' through her weekly email updates. He freaks out, which causes her to freak out in turn. Still, he listens to her talk about just how erotic and romantic it all was.
But, as she tells him, only 36 hours later, it's beginning to feel like a dream. Jesse's promises about seeing her and figuring things out when she gets back are beginning to seem like empty, unattainable promises.
Two days later, she's managed to fully convince herself that it will never happen; that she should just accept that afternoon in his office for what it was: the best make out session she has ever had, with a guy that she could never ever hope to have.
It's becoming somewhat of a pattern in her life.
Things become real when the Sarah Lawrence registrar sends out an email that grades will be delayed for a couple of days due to a technical error. The email has nothing to do with her particularly, but it causes a shocking realization.
She feels like a fool for thinking that he wasn't her teacher just because she had already handed her paper in. He still has to grade her paper, and there was no way he could have done that for her whole class in the day between when she handed the paper in and when she jumped him in his office.
He had given them all his cell number when he had been trying to get them all to meet up for a show during the term, and she feels no hesitation in dialing it now; too many boundaries have already been crossed.
"Don't give me an A just because I kissed you," is what she opens with, her tone insistent and icy, because she has practiced in front of her full-length mirror.
"Rachel?" he questions, but she cuts him off before he can say anything else.
"But don't not give me an A just because I made out with you, either. I want the grade that I deserve, Jesse, not the grade that I…"
She really doesn't know how to finish that sentence.
"Rachel," he starts, but she cuts him off again.
"That was an A paper, Jesse," she demands. "I put a ton of work into it, and what happened in your office has nothing to do with it. I'm not some slut who made out with you to get a better grade in a foundations course!"
She's practically yelling into the phone at this point, and she really has to remember to keep it down lest she arouse her dads' suspicions.
"Rachel," he tries again, and there's a beat because he actually stops, expecting her to interrupt again. "Rachel, breathe."
She follows his command, but she doesn't feel any calmer.
"That was an A paper, Rachel," he states softly but confidently. "No one would ever challenge me on that."
It's his tone, more than anything else, which soothes her.
"My dads really liked it," she admits, and she's glad that he can't see that she is crying; didn't really realize how emotional she was about this until now.
"I've never done this before either Rachel. I would have never thought I would get involved with one of my students." He sighs, and she wishes that she could see what his face looks like while he is not speaking.
"But maybe we shouldn't do this."
"No," she replies without thinking, her reaction automatic; the thought of not having him after wanting him for so long more terrifying than what having him will entail. "I tend to overreact at highly critical moments. I'm sorry. I'm just…."
"Scared?" he completes for her, and it wasn't what she was going to say, but it is true and she finds herself nodding into the phone even though he can't see her.
"Yes," she admits quietly. "I'm not usually a rule-breaker... You may have noticed."
"I know the feeling," he reassures her.
It seems that her dramatic phone call was exactly what they needed to jumpstart their relationship, and, yes, they're calling it that now. He offers to pick her up from the airport when she flies back to New York next Sunday, and they decide on a new restaurant for dinner that night.
She calls Kurt after she gets off the phone with Jesse.
"I think I have a boyfriend," she squeals.
III.
It surprises both of them how little drama there is in the beginning. He's working on another academic article, so he sets himself a daily schedule in the library, working from 10-5. Even though she's spending the summer in her old dorm room on special permission, invariably, she goes straight from her internship to his apartment, where they make dinner together.
They don't go out much, but they always find things to do. One night, they watch his Broadway show thanks to a bootleg DVD, and she raids his extensive Broadway album collection for her own IPod, matching their dinner to a song every night. They spend hours simply talking about anything and everything, and, if it weren't for the frequent makeout sessions before he drives her home for the night, she would have thought they were developing the best (secret) friendship ever.
Friendship is fine, and the kissing is still as good as that first time, but she can't stop the nagging thought in the back of her mind that she's not satisfying him in the way that he needs. He hasn't tried to go any further than kissing and touching her through her clothes, which frustrates her, because while she appreciates the respect, she's never been the instigator of anything sexual before, and she doesn't know how to start now.
She feels ready, and it's honestly the first time she can say that without hesitation. The first night he brought out his guitar and they had sung together, she had felt a wave of desire to drop to her knees and pleasure him. The feeling had been so unexpected, so foreign, that by the time she had given it thought, the moment had passed.
This entire relationship feels different than any of her previous ones, and it's a continuous debate in her head whether that's solely because of Jesse and their crazy intense connection, or because she's not making out in someone's parent's house, or in the back of a car; worried about giving in too much too fast and not really meaning it.
They're sitting on the couch watching a Project Runway rerun (his secret obsession) when they both get the email at the same time; he on his phone and she on her IPad. Robin from their music class is finally trying to organize the reunion they had never formalized, and she can't wait to see everyone at the tapas restaurant by campus, 8pm Thursday night.
She's biting her lip in contemplation when he kisses her. "It will be fine," he reassures her, "They won't be able to tell."
She doesn't tell him that part of the problem is that she wants them to be able to tell. She wants to assert her claim to Jesse in a way that none of the girls in the class could ever refute.
She has always been one to wear her heart on her sleeve. She feels most like herself in this relationship, and it sucks that she can't tell anyone but Kurt about it, when she could literally sing it to the world if she had the choice.
It ends up being just as bad as she fears. The girls, now free from the consequences of the school administration, flirt shamelessly with Jesse, and, not long into the evening, Rachel convinces herself that he is purposefully ignoring her, even if he is supposed to be treating her like everyone else.
Andy, who just graduated and keeps making a big deal about he and Jesse now being equals, is the one to bring Carmen up, and Rachel feels her heart plummet.
It's a topic they haven't talked much about, but she's not stupid enough to ignore the reality that their four-year relationship would have had a significant impact on his life.
Still, she doesn't exactly want to talk about how they met, whether or not he and Carmen had ever planned on getting married, and what exactly caused their breakup, especially since she was "smoking hot." (Thanks, Andy!)
He plays with his beer and looks anywhere but at her when he tells all of them that he's seeing someone new, but he doesn't feel quite comfortable talking about it yet. She knows she can't have a declaration of love or anything close to it, but him sidestepping their relationship completely doesn't exactly do much to improve her sour mood.
She feels his eyes on her when she gets up and announces that she's going home, her arms folded. She worries for a minute that she's being too obvious, but many of the others have to get home as well, and announce their departure, offering her a ride home. The party breaks up naturally, but no one seems to realize that her jealousy had initially been the cause.
Jesse offers rides too, and manages to conveniently arrange it so that she is his last drop off, given that she's the only one staying on campus for the summer.
Instead of going back to his apartment as they normally would, he actually drives her back to the dorm, which further annoys her. She gets out and slams the car door, refusing to say anything to him.
It's sort of an unspoken rule that he doesn't step foot in her dorm - that would be too obvious - so she really is surprised when she hears him knock, and it's amazement more than anything else that gets her to open the door.
"I don't know what you wanted me to say," he says wearily.
"Anything would have been better than nothing."
"You really think so?" He's not being argumentative, she knows him well enough by now, just realistic.
"I don't like feeling like you're embarrassed to be with me." She means it as an accusation, but she loses her nerve because she knows instinctively that it's not true. They're not in similar situations, but she wants to be able to hold hands with him in public, and kiss him if she wants to.
He cups her face in his hands, "You know that's not true, Rach."
"Do I?"
She pushes away from him, and moves to sit on her bed. He sits across from her on Sarah's stripped mattress, looking uncomfortable.
Finally, he speaks. "We broke up because I had doubts about our future that I couldn't ignore anymore. The plan was always for me to go back to Bogota. I started finding more and more reasons not to."
"Why are you telling me this?" Rachel wonders aloud, because anything about Carmen makes her incredibly sensitive. Right now, she's bordering on bitchy.
"I saw you sing, and it became another big doubt. Not just my attraction to you, but Broadway, performing, everything I had sworn I didn't want ever again."
He sighs and says in a not too dramatic tone, "It's like you awakened something in me."
Mood almost immediately restored, she gets up from her bed and moves to stand in front of him.
He looks up, catches her eye, and smiles in her direction. "You're not exactly a subtle person, Rachel. I know it kills you to keep this quiet, and I know I'm being selfish. I understand if it's not worth it to you."
"Stop being so dramatic," she teases, even though she has been the bigger drama queen tonight. "It just sucks that I like you so much and I can't tell anyone about it… I can't show anyone just how much I want to do this…"
She leans down to kiss him, kneeling on the mattress between his parted legs to get closer to him.
Rachel says a silent apology to Sarah before she says what she says next: "We should do it."
"It?" Jesse asks against her lips, confused; breaking away to look her in the eye.
"It, Jesse," Rachel clarifies, somehow refraining from rolling her eyes as she tries to get him to lie back on the bed. "It's not a big deal," she tries to persuade him, even though her heart is pounding as she nibbles on his lip and waits for his answer.
He furrows his brow at her. "It is for a girl," he states diplomatically, tucking her hair behind her ears from his position underneath her.
She sits back on her heels as she takes in his dismissal. "It doesn't bother you that we haven't had sex?"
"I'm willing to wait until you're ready," he tells her. "You've already waited this long."
She can tell he thinks he's being considerate, but, even so, he just rejected her, and Rachel Berry does not take rejection well.
He sits up on the bed and grabs her hand before she can get too far away from him.
"Rach, seriously? You can't be mad at me for this. We have our first fight and you expect me to what? Rip your clothes off right now?"
Now on her feet, she whips around, the tears falling freely down her face. "You wouldn't get it," she accuses him, shaking her head, "Because I've never felt this way about anyone before, and you obviously have! This is what I've been waiting for, but you can't even begin to understand that."
"Don't walk away," he orders her, standing up and holding her arm, even as she tries to turn away from him.
She doesn't really have anywhere to go, she's standing in her small dorm room after all, so she stands there crying. She tells herself that refusing to look at him is resistance enough.
"I've never felt this way before either," he admits quietly.
"Yeah, right," she challenges, her disbelief practically involuntary.
She hears him sigh, but still doesn't look up.
"I get bored of people easily. I like my alone time and my space. I think that's why the long-distance relationship worked for as long as it did. I never thought I would meet anyone who I always want to spend time with, who I'm always interested in being around. I never expected this. I didn't even know I wanted it." He laughs softly. "So, no, Rachel, I've never felt this way before."
Even before he reaches the end, her face has scrunched into a smile. "Yeah?"
He kisses her nose. "Yes. But I know this isn't the ideal relationship, and I can't give you any more than this. I won't take something like that from you."
"It's mine to give," she acknowledges, and they are both silent as the weight of what is ultimately the truth sinks in.
"This may not be the ideal relationship," she admits, "But it's exactly what I want."
He grins back at her. "It's what I want too."
"Pack a bag," he tells her, his voice a little gruff. "We'll still take it slow, but I want to wake up next to you tomorrow morning."
IV.
He may have chosen UCLA for Blaine, but Kurt is still just as obsessed with New York as he has ever been. Rachel has just woken up for the second time in Jesse's bed when Kurt informs her that he convinced Burt to make Manhattan the location of his and Carole's four-year anniversary celebration at the last minute, and they will be there in two days.
"I have to meet Professor Sexy," he demands, and she can hear Blaine say something in the background.
She tells Jesse that Kurt, his family, and Blaine are visiting New York for the weekend, but she conveniently neglects to mention exactly whom else Kurt's family includes.
That weekend, the school is having a beginning of summer barbecue to celebrate the solstice, and Kurt is excited because he wants to see the campus and the festival will provide the perfect opportunity. Jesse sings and plays guitar in an informal reggae fusion band with some other grad students, and since he will be playing at the barbecue, Rachel and Kurt decide that's where he will meet Jesse. It's a good solution because she can't exactly make a declaration in front of Kurt's parents.
The fact that she doesn't exactly want to make that declaration in front of Finn, either, is something that she chooses to ignore.
She takes a personal day from work on Friday, and spends all day with the Hummel-Hudsons in the city, sightseeing and shopping. Despite their time apart, she, Kurt, and Blaine are instantly as thick as thieves once again, and they have to try really hard not to make Finn feel left out. Finn is cheerful and full of anecdotes from his first year of college, and Rachel can sense that he's enjoying school in Ohio, even if he does seem a bit lonely. Carole and Burt have always adored her, and Burt pays for everything she wants when she and Kurt let loose in H&M. She only feels a little bit guilty.
Citing cruelty to animals, she refuses to take a carriage ride through Central Park after dinner, and Finn offers to stay back with her while the two couples go ahead. He's been particularly attentive to her all day, but this is the first time they've been alone.
They sit on a bench to wait, and Finn starts talking about their trip to New York for Nationals in their junior year, when he had planned a perfect New York date for her: flowers, a walk through the park, Sardi's, and dessert.
He nudges her shoulder as he reminds her of how a pigeon had pooped on him as they walked home hand in hand (as if she could forget), and the mad dash back to the hotel room so that he could shower.
As they talk, she remembers fondly just how infatuated she had been with him at the time, and she leans into him when he wraps an arm around her shoulders, smiles as his fingers tickle her bare skin as they laugh.
An old couple walks by and the woman smiles at how affectionate they are being, whispers something to her husband who smiles too. Finn grins back at them, and Rachel realizes almost uncomfortably that she has never done this in public with Jesse, most likely will never be able to, and the thought saddens her.
She breaks out of her thoughts when Finn confesses to her that he misses her, and he thinks of her all the time. "We had it going on, you know?"
She smiles because she does know. She was a completely different person then; can realize now the great effort it had taken to convince herself that she had been happy in their relationship.
Kurt raises an eyebrow at their position as he walks up to her, and she shrugs guiltily out of Finn's embrace, just in time to see Burt wink at Finn, and Carole beam at both of them.
Burt tells her that she can have a sleepover with Kurt and Blaine at the hotel if she wants, but it is Finn who looks most pleased at the prospect. Rachel declines, heads back to campus on the train, and tells all of them that she will see them tomorrow.
She tells herself that she doesn't text or call Jesse that night because it's late, and not because she feels guilty about having so much fun being fawned over by her ex-boyfriend all day.
V.
The day of the barbecue, they meet her for breakfast at the diner by campus, and she takes them on a tour of the school and her dorm while workers set up tables for lunch on the quads.
They walk around the festival, and Finn tries to win her prizes at the various booths, and pays for her cotton candy. When it's time for the live show, she chooses a picnic table close by the stage, and covertly points Jesse out to Kurt and Blaine as the band plays their set.
"Does he have a brother?" Blaine jokes quietly. Burt, Carole and Finn have been consistently asking what the three of them are whispering so intently about, and Kurt glares at him to keep it quiet (and, Rachel thinks, partly for the comment itself too).
As the band leaves the stage, Rachel shoots Jesse a smile, which he returns, and a surreptitious thumbs up. She has long realized that watching him perform is something that never fails to make her heat beat a little faster, or make her fall that little bit more in love with him.
She keeps watching him as he crosses the lawn and goes to grab some food, and doesn't notice when Finn moves from his side of the table and sits next to her, slinging his arm around her shoulders, and resting the other on her thigh.
"The band was pretty good," he tells her, "I've never heard that kind of music before."
"Reggae fusion," she responds, dropping her head and trying to move his arm. "They're really popular on campus."
She hears Finn ask her to dance, but it's drowned out by the sound of Burt calling Jesse over to the table as he walks by, wanting to tell him how much they all enjoyed the music.
She meets eyes with a worried-looking Kurt before she looks up to see that Jesse is standing by their table, plate in hand. She's not sure that anyone else can pick up on the silent anger that she can read clear as day on his face.
Burt and Jesse introduce themselves and Burt asks questions about the music, and whether they have recordings for sale, and though Jesse is answering him, he's looking right at Rachel, apparently focused on Finn's arm, which is still around her shoulders.
"Hello, Rachel," Jesse finally addresses her, once he's given Burt a business card with the band's information, and it's a show face if she's ever seen one. "Rachel was in my music class last spring," he informs the rest of the table.
Rachel doesn't – can't - say anything, but Burt takes it upon himself to introduce the rest of his family. "This is my wife Carole, our boys Kurt and Finn, and Kurt's boyfriend, Blaine. Kurt and Blaine were Rachel's best friends in high school, and Finn was, well, one half of Finn and Rachel – or what was it Finn? Finchel. We're here celebrating our anniversary, and to visit Rachel, of course, since she's practically part of the family."
Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine are all rendered mute at this pronouncement. Rachel looks up to meet Jesse's eyes, but even though he's looking at her, she's not entirely sure he sees her. She feels a sense of dread rise in her stomach.
"It was nice meeting all of you," Jesse states politely. "Enjoy the rest of the barbecue. I'll see you around, Rachel."
She can't do anything but nod, but, by that time, he's already gone.
VI.
Later that evening, he looks up from chopping vegetables as she lets herself into his apartment. She drops her bag by the door and sticks her hands into the pockets of her dress, swaying on the spot to calm her nerves.
"Hey," she says quietly, listening as the sounds of his chopping grow louder and more aggressive.
She closes her eyes. "About today… about Finn… I should have told you that my ex was Kurt's stepbrother. I'm sorry."
"The one from the song?" he asks and it takes her a minute to figure out what he means, and then she remembers their conversation about songwriting and heartbreak.
"Yes … but… Jesse that was a long time ago."
He turns to her and shoots her a disbelieving look. "Certainly didn't look like it. He was all over you," he says accusatorily. "Not that you were complaining."
"Did you want me to announce to the entire barbecue that you and I are dating?" she answers angrily. "You are the one that's so intent on keeping this relationship a secret!"
"Don't give me that bullshit, Rachel. I…"
"And, it's not like you said or did anything either," she interrupts icily. "You just stood there like some automaton or something, like it didn't bother you in the least."
He throws the knife into the sink and glares at her. "Is that what this was all about? Some sort of test to make me jealous?"
Hearing the words come out of his mouth makes her realize that he has it exactly right; the desire to make him jealous, to compare the two of them, had been the undercurrent of all her interactions with Finn this weekend. She's always had a hard time believing that people want to be with her, and this relationship has only given her more ammunition for her insecurities because they have to hide it.
"Did I fail your test, Rachel?" he asks in a low, dangerous voice, walking towards where she stands by the door.
She shakes her head at him, grabbing for his shirt and pulling him to her. "No," she tells him, but he doesn't budge.
"What was I supposed to do to pass?" He takes a step towards her and plants both his hands on her hips.
"Drag you away from him?"
She shakes her head as tears of embarrassment pool in her eyes. He takes a step towards her, backing her against the wall.
"Kiss you right there in front of him?"
She shakes her head, leans forward and kisses him on the mouth, arms looping around his neck to hold him close.
He breaks the kiss, and rests his head in the crook of her neck, unable to move due to her tight hold on him.
"No," she tells him, ducking her head to tempt him into another kiss.
"Break his fucking arm for touching you?"
He slides his arm up her thigh and under her dress, and she gasps against his mouth.
They've never done this before: this mixture of fury and passion. She doesn't yet know if she likes it, but it is invigorating.
"Look at me, Rachel," he commands her, and she opens her eyes to watch as he harshly captures her mouth again.
She moans, and bites at his lip, and every measure of control that he has snaps, almost audibly.
It feels like it's too fast and happening in slow motion all at the same time. All it takes is one, two, three, well-placed swipes of his thumb before her entire body jerks like a whip and she cries out.
He rests his forehead against the wall as he supports her weight, completely upset with himself. Nothing – not even the obvious wetness that coats his thumb – can make up for doing that without her explicit permission.
After a while, he feels her release her grip on his arm and reach her hand up to play with his hair. When he looks up, her eyes are back open, her cheeks are pink, and there's a goofy smile on her face.
"Sorry," he mumbles apologetically. "I shouldn't have done that. I got carried away."
She furrows her brow at his remorse-filled tone, pulls him down for another kiss. "Good."
He chuckles at the obvious contentment in her voice. "Was that your first orgasm?"
She gets even pinker, if possible, and bites her lip when she nods. "With someone else," she admits almost guiltily.
He smiles. "What were we arguing about again?"
She shakes her head, laughing. "No idea."
He moves to step away from her, but she drags him back by the waistband of his shorts, snaking her hand down to rub him shamelessly through the fabric.
He groans loudly, his hand reaching back out to the wall to steady himself.
"Rachel," he warns, but he is only met with a sly grin and an increase in pressure.
He has just given in to her ministrations when she releases her hold on him. She ensures that he's watching before she reaches under her dress to take off her wet panties. She hands them to him and almost skips towards his bedroom.
When he finally gets into the room, she's suddenly shy again; sitting on the side of the bed, legs crossed while she toys with the skirt of her dress.
He approaches her and tilts her chin up to him. She uncrosses her legs so he can stand between them.
"Are you absolutely sure?"
She nods, grabbing the hem of his t-shirt to encourage him to take it off. She reaches to unbutton his shorts, but he stops her, kissing her when she frowns up at him.
"Let me do this for you," he tells her reverently, as he skims his hands up the back of her bare calves and thighs. "Let me teach you."
The significance of his words aren't lost on her, and even if she hadn't been 100% ready before, the dedication in his voice would have won her over.
Still, she has never been one to give up complete control, even when she has no idea what she's doing.
"I don't want you to treat me like a virgin," she informs him, reaching again to unbutton his shorts, pulling them down before he can complain.
"But you are a virgin," he teases lightly, pulling her dress over her head to leave her naked.
To her credit, she doesn't withdraw from his appraising gaze, though she is sure that he can see the slight tremble that runs through her.
"I won't be in a few minutes," she states confidently, positive that there is no going back now.
He raises an eyebrow at her. "Minutes?" he asks, a mocking undertone in his voice.
Now she actually blushes, worried that she has offended him.
He pulls her up by her fingertips, and links her hands behind his neck. "Definitely not minutes," he tells her, shaking his head humorously. "I've got big plans for us."
It feels strange to be completely naked and pressed against him so intimately; his boxer briefs the only thing separating them. She literally has to remind herself to breathe.
"Plans?"
"First up: naked making out," he informs her with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He leans down and kisses her as his right hand strokes her bare hip. "So much better than regular making out," he explains.
She moans her agreement as his hand reaches her breast and thumbs her nipple, and she begins her own exploration, grazing her fingertips over the muscles in his back, and playing with him through his boxers.
Her fingers are tangled in his hair and he's nuzzling her neck when it occurs to her that something is missing. "We should have music," she manages to breathe out.
He looks up at her face before glancing around the room, searching for a way to give her everything she wants.
His bedroom is his sanctuary away from his work, so most of his equipment isn't within reach, and neither of them wants to let go of the other right now.
"Sing to me," she half-asks, half-instructs, and he laughs, resting his head against hers while he thinks of a song.
She smiles when he starts humming Wonderwall, and it both relaxes her and turns her on when he drums the beat lightly with his fingertips up and down her naked back as he serenades her.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
She knows it's one of his favorite songs, but the way he's singing to her makes her feel like the lyrics have some personal significance for him and their relationship.
They sway on spot when he finishes, and she reaches up to press a solid kiss on his lips, which she hopes gets the message across: it's time.
"I'm ready," she tells him, in case he didn't t get it. She walks back towards the bed and sits in the middle of it, pulling her knees up to her chest.
He shucks off his boxers, gets a condom from the top drawer of his bureau, and comes to join her on the bed.
"Hold on to this," he tells her, pressing the packet into her hand with a kiss.
He's done so much to make her feel comfortable, but she feels the first sign of nerves shoot up her spine.
She thinks he notices. He strokes her cheek, looking intently at her. "Still sure?" he asks.
She nods, and shifts so that she's lying against the pillows while she attempts to tear open the foil package.
"Relax," he tells her, stopping her fiddling hands. "We're not there yet."
He's still sitting up and looking at her, and she feels a bit intimidated until he leans down to kiss her and run his hands over her body, and she forgets to feel anything other than the different points where his skin is making contact with hers.
Her eyes are closed while he draws shapes against the skin of her stomach. She's anticipating the moment his hand moves south, so she is taken completely by surprise when she feels him kiss her between her legs.
Sure she had dreamed about it, but she hadn't expected that just yet. It was the one thing that she could never adequately imagine, having no ability to do it herself, as she's learned to do with her fingers.
It feels heavenly, and she senses him smile against her (how is that even possible?) when she starts voicing exactly how much she likes it.
Yet, despite everything going on down there, her favorite part, strangely, is the fact that he's still tracing patterns – hearts possibly – into her lower stomach. The hand teasing at her breast doesn't suck, either.
He moves his hand from her stomach after a while, and she whines – loudly – until she feels a finger pressing inside of her, and the sound turns into something else entirely.
His finger – now fingers – are bigger than hers by far, and he obviously – obviously – knows what he's doing.
He lifts his head, which she wholeheartedly disagrees with, and she registers vaguely that he's speaking to her, but she's intent on getting his fingers to revisit a spot that for some reason feels like it will make everything all better.
"Rach, open your eyes," he instructs her, and she doesn't know how he can sound so calm when her pulse is pounding in her ears.
She opens her eyes, more to complain than to appease him, but instead of looking at his face, she's distracted by the fact that he has his right hand between her legs, and his left languidly stroking his hard shaft.
It doesn't take much more than that.
Things slow down after that, because once he's inside her, it's soft kisses and gentle caresses, his arms encircling her as they whisper to each other. As much fun as everything he did for her earlier was, there's something about them being able to reach pleasure together that thrills her; that the simple, instinctive act of her arching into him works so well for them both.
(Honestly, she doesn't know how to do much of anything else.)
She'll learn. She already knows he's an amazing teacher.
VII.
She meets Kurt's family for brunch at their hotel the next morning, and she's positive that everyone will be able to tell what she was up to last night since she can't stop beaming.
They're still waiting to be seated when Kurt drags her into the women's room, ignoring the looks he gets from the attendant cleaning the sink.
"You're glowing," he states accusatorily, with a poorly hidden smirk on his face. "Blaine and I made a bet last night, and I need to know who won."
Her smile is huge as she nods. Words are escaping her right now.
They're both jumping up and down, arms linked, when Blaine walks into the room, looking considerably more self-conscious than Kurt did.
"You owe me twenty bucks," Kurt declares to Blaine. "I told you the jealousy would work to her advantage."
Blaine doesn't say anything, and both divas turn to look at him.
"What's wrong?" Rachel questions, frowning. "He was really sweet, and it was great."
Blaine sighs and he and Kurt exchange a look. Kurt shakes his head at his boyfriend. "Don't start," he warns Blaine.
Blaine seems to feel that whatever he has to say is too important to ignore.
"I'm worried about you, Rachel." Blaine says, sounding reluctant to kill her mood. "He's your teacher. You know there is no way this will end well, right?"
All three of them are quiet. Rachel twirls her hair around her finger before folding her arms.
"I love him," she tells them, any trace of doubt absent from her voice. She looks like she's about to say something else, but she seems more unsure of whatever was to come next.
She walks back out to the restaurant, her mood radically different from when she came in.