The Charmed Life of Thomas Swan-Cullen pt. 2

I'm watching my adult son eat breakfast, occasionally shooting a grin at his mother and I in-between bites of Bella's blueberry waffles, and for the bazillionth time in my life I wish I could read his mind.

It's funny that I want so badly to be able to get in there; it's not like he ever got away with anything growing up. Even if I couldn't tell what was going on in that hormone-crazed adolescent head of his, there was always the fact that we don't sleep. Then there was our heightened senses, ensuring that he could never sneak out at night, lie about brushing his teeth or get drunk at a high school party without our knowing. And then there's his Aunt Alice who saw anything we might happen to miss. Poor kid.

But Alice and Jasper are vacationing in Tokyo, and all we know is that Thomas showed up last night at our place in Montana with a kiss for his mom, a book that Carlisle had asked him to pick up in London, a gleeful look on his face and a body exploding with nervous tension. I've never seen him quite like this.

Thomas has always been what Laurent, that born-again vampire hippie, describes as a "mellow" child. With the exception of a few tantrums when he was a child and the occasional bit of adolescent moodiness, he is extremely easy-going. He totally gets it from his mom. The only thing he probably got from me is his perverse sense of humor and his fanatical love of baseball. Which is, by the way, a terrible sport for a vampire to be into because the season happens entirely during the spring and summer. Thank God for television.

So I'm in a position that I tend to be in often with both my son and my wife; that of knowing something is up and having no way to figure it out. Yeah, I like mysteries. (That was sarcasm, by the way)

Thomas finishes his waffles and gets up to put his plate in the dishwasher, but he's intercepted by his mom.

"Sit down and spill, kiddo," Bella tells him, taking the plate from his hands and pushing him gently back into his seat.

"I'm in love," he says, grinning at us. His mom turns around and raises an eyebrow.

"Again?" she says. I snicker. Instead of laughing with us he gets this blissful look on his face and says: "No, really. I'm in love. She's the one."

Bella puts the dishes down and comes back over to the table.

"You're serious," she says, her face suddenly attentive.

"She'll be here this morning. I want you to meet her," Thomas says giddily. "Where's everyone else? I know Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper are in Tokyo."

"Emmett and Rose are out hunting, and Carlisle and Esme are at a conference in Boston." I answer. "I'm sure they'll be happy to come back to meet your girlfriend, though."

"Yeah, uh, the fewer of you guys that are here at first would probably be better." Thomas' eyes slip away from mine. He's clearly up to something. I haven't seen him do that since the time he borrowed my Vanquish and got it towed. A night that has been referred to since then as "The Night Edward Got Us Kicked Out Of The Impound Lot." All I can say is I swear that car was never the same after that.

"Are you concerned about her being intimidated?" Bella asked gently. Thomas looked at his mom with a smile.

"Yeah, Mom. She's a little shy." Bella pats his hand and grins at him.

"We'll do our best to make her feel comfortable." She looks at me, expecting me to second her reassurances. I'm still looking at my boy with suspicion because I know something is up that he's not telling us. I've got a defiled Vanquish in the garage that says he's up to something.

I narrow my eyes at Thomas. "Of course," I say. He knows I'm on to him but that I'd rather live on goldfish blood than piss his mom off. I give him the universal gesture for "I'm watching you"; pointing to my eyes and then at him while squinting at him ominously. He shrugs and turns his attention back to his mom.

"Well, we should get the guest room cleaned up for her and probably get some food." Bella gets up and starts rummaging around in the pantry.

"Yeah, don't spend too much time on that," Thomas mumbles.

"Why's that?" Bella asks him, since he's apparently forgotten that we can hear him even when he mumbles.

He smiles at her brilliantly again. "Just don't make a big fuss, Mom. She'll feel self-conscious." His mom nods and looks at me. "Don't just stand there, Edward. Go vacuum the living room or something."

An hour later Emmett and I are moving the couch in the living room again, since Emmett has been studying feng shui and apparently couch placement is important for romance. Emmett also made me dismantle and remove the ceiling fan, since apparently it "blows all the love out of the room." I was about to tell Emmett what else blows when he looked out the front window and asked me how Thomas' girl was getting here.

"I don't know. He's been kind of shady about the whole thing," I said, finishing up with repainting where I'd had to patch the hole in the ceiling.

"Well, is there any chance that he asked, uh, Demitri and Felix to bring her?"

"What the hell?" I looked out the window to see exactly what Emmett described: two members of the Volturi guard escorting a blond vampire I've never seen before to the doorway. And she's not exactly looking like she's excited about seeing her human boyfriend. Actually, I can hear from her thoughts that she's terrified.

"Thomas!" I call, my eyes not straying from the scene in the front yard.

"Is she here?" My wife comes into the room, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. She's been making lunch for Thomas' surprise girlfriend. Who apparently would prefer a nice bloody human, from the look of her eyes.

"I want to see her," Rosalie says, coming in behind Bella and freezing when she sees the woman being escorted up the porch steps.

There's a knock at the door and Emmett walks over and swings it open with a big smile. "Demitri, Felix! What's up?" The two members of the guard smile at Emmett and he steps away from the door to let them in. We've developed a pretty close relationship with these guys over the years, mostly based on our mutual love of Thomas and making fun of the three brothers who lead the Volturi. And torturing Jane, because she's pretty fun to torment. All you have to do is provoke her until she tries to brain-blast you and then you grab onto Thomas. His shield frustrates the shit out of her.

They come in, with the woman between the two of them. Her eyes widen when she sees us and I can see in her thoughts that she thinks that her number is up.

Getting a closer look at her I can see that she was probably changed in her early twenties. She's taller than Bella and has wavy blond hair that falls to just below her shoulders. She's pretty in that pale, surreal way that our kind are.

I give her what I hope is a kind smile and gesture to one of the newly moved couches.

"Would you like to take a seat?" I ask. She just stares at me, trying to figure out why she's gone from being frog-marched by the Volturi guard to apparently having tea with the most domestic vampires she's ever seen. Felix nudges her forward.

"Take a seat," he says, and she obediently sits down. I look at the guard members expectantly. Demitri just looks at me and shrugs.

"Aro just told us to bring her here. He didn't say what to do after that." I frowned and looked at the girl.

"Edward, let me," my wife says from behind me. She sits down next to the girl and smiles. "What's your name?" Bella asks.

"Sophie," the girl says, hesitantly.

I realize that my son has still not made an appearance and I call him again.

Thomas stumbles into the living room a minute later, running his hands through wet hair. He's also changed his shirt. Into one of my favorite shirts.

"You!" the terrified girl on the couch says, standing up. Except for now she's not so terrified. I would describe her mood as "pissed-off" with a touch of "exasperated" now. I look at Thomas. He smiles broadly at her.

"Thomas, how did you and Sophie meet?" my wife asks, eyeing her son warily.

"You told me your name was Karen," Thomas says to Sophie, still grinning flirtatiously. The girl snorts.

"That's because I was going to kill you," she says, flopping back down on the couch.

"Thomas, I think that now would be a good time for you to explain what's going on," Bella says. She turns to Demitri and Felix. "Guys, thanks for helping him out with this. I think we have it from here."

"No, that's cool, Bella," Demitri says. "I wouldn't miss this for the world." He turns to Felix. "You in a hurry to get back?"

Felix shakes his head. "No, I'm good. I really think we should stick around and make sure everything works out ok here." He smiles at my wife.

Bella sighs. "Well, I think we need to have a little talk with our son about what constitutes a good surprise. Do you all mind excusing us for a minute?"

"Your son?" Sophie asks. Bella pats her on the arm again.

"Sure thing," Demitri says as he and Felix get up. He turns back to us and asks: "I don't suppose we could grab a bite?"

"If it walks on four legs," Bella says, smiling at him. He shrugs.

"It was worth a try." He gestures to the girl who is still glaring at a love-struck Thomas. "Let's go, Blondie. We'll go check out the garage?" He looks hopefully at Rosalie who sighs and gets up.

"Sure, I'll show you what I've got going." She turns and points to Thomas.

"You better clear this up, young man." She shakes a finger at him and he just gives her that smile that I know she can't resist.

"Sure thing, Aunt Rose," Thomas says.

We wait for them to clear out and then I turn to Thomas.

"What in the world is going on?" I ask. He sighs and leans back in his armchair.

'"Isn't she great?" he asks, looking dreamily at the door the homicidal vampire just walked out of.

"Yeah, she's a charmer. What's going on?" I ask again.

"Karen - I mean, Sophie - approached me in a bar in New York. It was love at first sight, Dad. I mean it. I knew she was the one."

"And then she tried to kill you," his mom adds. He looks at her and nods.

'Yeah, I figured that she would. I warned her that Aro would be upset, and that scared her off before I could talk to her anymore. I called Aro up and he told the guys to bring her here. I couldn't really think of another way to let her get to know me."

"You thought that having her brought here by the guard would make her feel comfortable enough to want to go out for dinner and a movie with you? Optimally, without you as the dinner?" I can't believe this kid sometimes.

Emmett starts to laugh. 'That's my nephew. You've never been turned down before, have you?" Thomas shakes his head.

"No. I figure she'll like me once she gets to know me." I have to give him that one.

"What about that woman in Toronto?" Bella asks. Thomas shrugs his shoulders.

"She was a lesbian, Mom. And before you say anything," he points to me. "That one in Dublin was a nun. Things got really confusing when they stopped wearing those things all the time." He gestures to his head.

I have to give him that; Thomas has always been really successful with women. He's the quiet guy you don't notice at a party until he takes off with the prettiest girl. Another thing he totally doesn't get from me. Emmett thinks that it's his influence, but I think that Thomas' happiness and the fact that he always treats women well –for fear of what his mom and Aunt Rose will do to him – makes him irresistible. He really is not used to having women say no to him.

"Thomas, I just don't think that a potential homicide and then abduction is a good way to romance a woman," I tell him.

"Dude, you're going to give him romantic advice?" Emmett interjects. "You tried to kill Bella." Shut up, Emmett.

"You tried to kill Mom?" Thomas says, turning to me with shock. Yeah, this is why Bella and I have kind of glossed over the details of our courtship with him. That and the fact that it's embarrassing.

"Just the once, Honey," his mom says, patting his knee.

"Then he watched her sleep and stalked her a bunch," Emmett says, like the dead asshole he is.

"Gee, Dad, I can see why you say my methods are so inappropriate," Thomas says to me. "Seriously, she's the one. It was love at first sight!"

"Yeah, for you," Bella said. 'What about her? She's not really acting like she's into you."

"She was hungry. Didn't you guys know you were meant for each other when you met?" Bella looks away and I pretend to cough.

"No, we, uh…" Bella looks at me for help.

"I knew way before your mom," I admitted. "She was a little distracted by having you, and…"

"Your dad creeped her out. Big time," Emmett said. Shut up, Emmett.

"I didn't think that someone as handsome and perfect as him could love me," my Bella said, smiling at me. I lean over and give her a kiss.

"Are you saying that she might not think I'm good enough?" Thomas seems genuinely perplexed by this. Bella shakes her head.

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that your methods might have been a little…unsubtle."

"So what do I do now?" Thomas looks to us for support. I reflect on my decades of knowledge as well as my years of experience as a parent and come up with the best advice I can.

"Let's call Alice."

Thomas gets his Aunt Alice on the phone. Not surprisingly, they were already on their way to the airport. He talks with her for a minute and then gets off the phone.

"She says we should get Demitri and Felix out of here," Thomas says, handing the phone back to me.

"I'll handle that," Bella says. Which is good because she's always handled the Volturi better than anyone else.

"Alice said there's good news and bad news," Thomas says to me.

"And?" I ask. I swear he and his mom thrive on keeping stuff from me. Like the time they signed me up for the drama club in high school. Those two got to paint scenery and I had to wear a frickin' toga. And don't get me started on the low thread count of those sheets. It's enough to make me shudder today.

"Well, the good news is that she thinks I've got a good chance with Sophie." Thomas smiles as if to say: "I told you so."

"What's the bad news? We have to change you?" This is kind of a trick question. I'm hoping we have to change him. As shitty as being a vampire can be and as much as I didn't chose this life: Bella and I have been bereft at the thought of losing Thomas. Especially when scary shit like this almost happens to him.

"Yeah, well that's a given," Thomas says. "Don't even pretend to be upset about that, Dad. No, but one thing is, we're going to have to talk Sophie into changing her diet and then…" Thomas' voice trails off and he blushes. It's a response I seldom see on my son's face and it reminds me of falling in love with his mom.

"What?" I ask. How bad could it be?

"We have to talk about…you and mom," Thomas mumbles that last part.

"Like...how we met and stuff?" I ask. God, how embarrassing.

"Yeah, I hope that's it. It's gross enough. If we have to talk about your sex life I'll kill myself," my son says.

"Don't worry," I say, slapping him on the back. "I'll be right there with you with a Presto Log and a Zippo."

We hear a phone ring outside and look up to see Demitri answering his cell phone.

"Yes, sir," he says. He's received a call from Aro; clearly, Bella has been on the phone to Italy. Demitri listens for a minute and then says: "Yes, we got her here…" he pulls the phone away from his ear, looks at it and shakes his head. The phone rings again.

"Yeah…No, you hung up on me…yeah, you pushed the little button with the phone…yeah, AGAIN…So, you want us to…" He pulls the phone away from his ear again, shaking his head. When it rings again he answers it.

"Yeah…no, you did it again…you are pushing the button with your cheek or something…yeah, just like when your pocket called me…yeah, it's a tricky piece of technology. So, what do you want us to do…" He pulls the phone away from his ear and swears. He looks up to see us laughing and flips us off.

"Hey, when you're done there can you ask Bella to call Aro and tell him we're on our way back? I can't talk on the phone to that man again." Demitri shakes his head and goes back to the garage to get Felix.

They bring my son's kidnapped ersatz-girlfriend back in and, since my son has already botched this a little bit, I ask her to take a seat.

"Listen, Sophie, I understand that this has all come as kind of a surprise to you and I appreciate your patience." She nods at me and then shoots a glance at Felix and Demitri.

"Are they going to…kill me?" she asks. "Because I know that's what the guard do and when they picked me up I figured they were mad because I messed with…your…son." She's having a hard time saying it because she doesn't believe us.

"How about I ask them to leave and you agree to stay and listen to what we have to say? If you still want to leave then you can; we won't stop you." I shoot a glare at Thomas to make sure he won't object, but my confident son is just smiling at her.

"Sure," she says warily. She turns to Thomas. "But you have to know, you don't love me. It's the vampire thing. You can't help it."

Thomas grins at her and shakes his head. "No, darling, you don't understand. I grew up around vampires. I'm immune to your supernatural pheromones. It's you."

Sophie presses her lips together and shakes her head. I can tell she likes him, though. She's just completely freaked out by this stupid stunt he pulled.

"Well, I guess we'll hit the road then," Demitri says. "Superbowl?" he asks Emmett.

"Superbowl," Emmett answers, and they bump fists. "It was nice seeing you." Felix waves and they take off, arguing over who gets to drive the rental car.

"Sophie, we're hoping that, once we tell you about ourselves and Thomas, you will be willing to stay with us for a few days so my idiotic son can convince you to spend eternity with him." Bella smiles at Sophie warmly.

"I…I would love to hear your story, Bella. How did you come to have a human son?"

So we launch into our story, explaining how we don't eat people but that I thought about eating Bella. We tell her about embarrassing stuff that Thomas didn't even know about, like me attacking Bella's prom date and proposing while she was in labor with Thomas. It reminds me again of how much I love her and Thomas, being able to talk about how we fell in love and how we raised Thomas together. Emmett and Thomas interject whenever I "forget" to mention something particularly embarrassing. I return the favor, telling Sophie about the time that Thomas was planning on getting drunk for the first time at his friend's house but Alice saw it ahead of time so we switched out all their alcohol with Kool-Aid and Thomas and his friend pretended to be drunk, because that's what teenagers do.

Sophie tells us how she was changed by a nomadic vampire ten years before and had had to abandon her family and her entire life. I could see from her thoughts that she was envious of the stability of our lives and the fact that we were a family, something she had never been able to find among the vampires she had encountered. And, over the next day, hearing our stories, I could see her falling in love with my charming, sweet son.

Which was gratifying on a number of levels. First, it meant that our son would be willing to be changed and we wouldn't have to part with him. Second, it proves that he was right about her; she was the one. And finally, by falling in love with him she fell in love with all those parts of him that he had gotten from each of us.

I'll grant Emmett the "skill with the ladies" but, really, I felt that Thomas had inherited Emmett's lightness of spirit, his ability to have fun. He got his sensitivity to the feelings of others from Jasper, along with his love of history. He had Esme's generosity and instinct to nurture those he loved. He had Carlisle's compassion and curiosity, and Alice's love of art and beautiful things that led him around the world writing about the things he saw. Rosalie taught him to be self-sufficient and to respect women, the only thing that saved him from being a terrible womanizer.

As I mentioned, Thomas got his quiet strength, as well as his general attractiveness from his mom.

And from me? I think he got his belief in the way that love could change your life, even if you had to wait for it for a century. I would also have to say that Thomas got his completely irrational approach to wooing the girl of his dreams from me.

But watching the two of them from the kitchen a few nights later - when we were finally convinced that she liked him too much to kill him and we left them alone – I could see that Thomas' approach, albeit unconventional, had worked.

While his mom and I watched, Thomas murmured to Sophie that it was perfectly safe for her to kiss him, that his parents were proof of that, and that she would make him the happiest man on earth if she would.

Again, no one ever said no to Thomas. And he has always been vampire crack.

But it was arrogant of me to spend time thinking of what I had given to Thomas. The reality is, what he and his mom had given to me was so much more.

Epic a/n: That's kind of it. There are a couple of outtakes coming, starting with "Kiss of Death" which was part of the Fandom Fights Tsunami compilation. I also wrote the cough, cough honeymoon scene. I wasn't going to do it because I couldn't think of a way to make it funny (and that's the only thing that counts). But then I got inspired when I wrote the epilogue so, that will show up at some point. There's a couple of others, including a little Thomas-take, but none of the outtakes will alter any events. They're just missing moments that I think you might enjoy.

I have said before this in reviews but I want to reiterate how thrilled (and shocked) I've been at the reception this has received. When I started writing this I was convinced that I would be the only one to read it, that no one else would think that this stuff was funny, that I was bizarre beyond all belief. I have been blown away by the number of you that have enjoyed it. That also means that you are all as bizarre as me, or at least guilty of enabling my crazy.

I have a million people to thank. First and foremost, WriteOnTime, without whose aggressive pimpage I would sink to the bottom and stay there. Then Grrlinterupted, Haletheroses and Bettigefecht for the gorgeous banners. Twi-Carol made me an awesome and hilarious blinkie and then promoted the bejesus out of the story, Thanks to Deedreamer16, JB30, Kassiah, Ltlerthqak and MeraNaamJoker (who put aside her wolf-girl leanings) who all wrote amazing recs for this in various and sundry places. Then the dozens of amazing women who tweeted and retweeted updates and recs, read and reviewed. I can't even begin to start. I have met the coolest people.

Finally, thank yous to EverlastingMuse who betaed this for the first half and then Betham, who took on this crazy story in the middle and never once backed away slowly from my crazy or my apostrophe abuse.

Thank you so much for reading! xoxo JuJu