"Girl Scout Cookies"
Part 2. The Sexual Appeal Merit Badge
The next day, Charlie is in Shelly's room without her hat on, trying to flatten her hair down in the mirror. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk up to the door.
Stan: We're going to the park. Do you want to come?
Charlie: I can't. I'm going to Girl Scouts.
The three boys laugh. Charlie turns around and scowls at them.
Stan: Oh, you were serious. What the hell are you in Girl Scouts for?
Kyle: Yeah, the Girl Scouts suck ass.
Charlie: Oh, I dunno… [She comes up with an excuse and fires it off unenthusiastically.] ...to make friends who are girls, or whatever.
Stan: That's retarded. Girl Scouts are stupid.
Kenny: (Girl Scouts are the shit. I like the "sexual appeal" badge best.)
Kyle: Don't be a retard, Kenny. There is no such thing as a "sexual appeal" merit badge.
Charlie (looking in a Girl Scout handbook): Uh, wait, actually, there is.
She hands the booklet to Kyle.
Kyle (reading): This badge is to be awarded to a Scout who frequently displays flirtatious and/or seductive behavior, applies two or more techniques to enhance her sexual appearance (see Appendix B), and successfully displays these characteristics in a monitored public scenario.
Kenny: (Yeah, I think you should try to get that one first.)
Charlie: Shut up, Kenny.
Mrs. Marsh drops off Charlie at Bebe's house for her first Girl Scout meeting.
Mrs. Marsh: Have fun at Girl Scouts, Charlie! I'll be here to pick you up at five.
Charlie: Thanks.
Charlie walks up to the door and rings the bell. Bebe answers the door. Charlie is grinning. Bebe stares blankly at her.
Bebe: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I'm a Girl Scout now.
Bebe and a few other girls behind her start giggling. Charlie glares at them as she walks into the house.
Charlie: Why does everyone think this is so funny?
Bebe's mom walks up to Charlie.
Bebe's mom: Oh, you must be our newest Scout! Welcome! I'm Bebe's mother; I'm your den-mother. Here's your sash and beret.
She hands Charlie a green sash and beret. Charlie stares at the articles of clothing dubiously.
Bebe's mom: You can go sit with the other girls over there. I'll be there in just a sec to start the meeting.
Charlie puts on the hat and sash and walks into the next room, where all the girls are sitting in chairs in a circle. She goes and sits in a chair. She twiddles her thumbs, kicks her legs, and looks down. The other girls are chattering and giggling. Bebe's mom enters and starts the meeting.
Bebe's mom: Alright, girls, let's get started. Now, as you all know, we have a new inductee with us today. I believe you all know her from school. Let's welcome Charlie into Troop 616.
Other Girls: Hi, Charlie.
Bebe's mom: Now, let's start our meeting by reciting the Girl Scout pledge! Let's show our newest member how to do the pledge girls. First, let's show her our pledge symbol.
The girls all hold up their right hands with their first three fingers extended. Charlie does the same.
Bebe's mom: Now repeat after me: "On my honor…"
Girls (including Charlie): On my honor…
Bebe's mom: I will try…
Girls: I will try…
Bebe's mom: To serve God and my country…
Girls: To serve God and my country…
Bebe's mom: To maintain the hearth and home…
Girls: To maintain the hearth and home…
Bebe's mom: To respect the patriarchal order…
Girls: To respect the patriarchal order…
Bebe's mom: And to live by the Girl Scout law.
Girls: And to live by the Girl Scout law.
Charlie (holding up the three fingers): Hey guys… Peel the banana.
She starts giggling. The other girls stare at her strangely. She clears her throat and puts down her hand.
Later, the group is sitting around in a circle showing off their badges and discussing their progress in gaining more badges.
Heidi: I got my "home-maker's badge"!
Bebe: Well, I'm just one sock away from my "knitting badge," and when that one's done, I'll earn my "Domesticity Super-Badge"!
Wendy: Hey Millie! How's the "sexual appeal badge" coming?
Millie: Not good. I've tried stuffing my bra but it always ends up looking lumpy and fake.
Bebe's mom: Don't worry, Millie. You'll get the hang of it eventually.
Heidi: Hey Charlie! What badge do you want to try and get first?
Charlie: Oh. Um, I don't know.
Red: You should try to get your sewing badge. That one's a lot of fun.
Charlie: What do you have to do?
Red: You have to hand-stitch a pillow and a pincushion, then bring them in to show us!
Charlie: I don't know how to sew.
Bebe's mom: Don't worry, dear. There's a handy little guide on sewing in the Girl Scout Manual. We also have a Girl Scout sewing circle after school on Tuesdays. Would you like to come?
Charlie: Thanks, but I can't. I have work on Tuesdays.
Bebe's mom: Work?
Charlie: Yeah, at the Food Mart on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.
Bebe's mom: Oh dear. You're much too young to be working, Charlie. Besides, if you stick with the Girl Scouts, you'll never need to work.
Charlie: Why not?
Bebe's mom: We're teaching you all the important skills you'll need to snatch yourself a nice man to support you.
Charlie: But I need money now! Christmas is coming up, and—
Bebe's mom (chuckling): Silly dear. Just "borrow" some money from your daddy, sweetheart.
Charlie: I don't have a dad.
Bebe's mom: Well isn't that just like a man! [To the other girls] See, girls; this is what I've been telling you about. When you get older, don't make the same mistake Charlie's mother made. Find yourself a nice, stable man and lock him in.
Millie: Men are just so fickle.
Bebe's mom: But remember too, girls, that it's a two-way street. A woman's job is to be a mother, a cook, and a housekeeper. A man's job is to support his family. As soon as you stop doing your job, your man will stop doing his.
Girls: Oooohhhh…
Bebe's mom: And that's why we have Girl Scouts.
Charlie stares at Bebe's mom.
That evening, Charlie is on the phone with Cartman. He's got a pen and a notebook and he's taking down notes on the conversation.
Cartman: So, how was your first little Girl Scout meeting, Charlie?
Charlie: It sucked ass. I had to wear a beret and everything.
Cartman: Oh, how nice. Did you paint your nails and talk about your feelings?
Charlie sighs and puts her head on her hand.
Charlie: Can we just talk about the cookies?
Cartman: Alright then. What sort of juice did you squeeze out of the den-mother?
Charlie: She didn't want to say much about it. All I could really get out of her was that the closest storage facility is just outside of Middle Park to the east.
Cartman (writing): Good, good, we should be able to work with that. [He stops writing.] And…that's all you got?
Charlie: What more do I need to get? We have a general location, so it shouldn't be hard to find its actual address and a phone number or something.
Cartman: Excellent. Now, we're going to have to have an executive meeting tomorrow afternoon to discuss our preliminary business plan.
Charlie: I have work tomorrow after school until five.
Cartman lets out a deep sigh and puts a hand between his eyes.
Cartman: My God, you're making this difficult… Fine, we'll wait to have the meeting until after five, but you'd better not be very late.
The next day at three-thirty, the doorbell rings at the Cartman house. Cartman is watching TV with Becca.
Cartman: Mom! Someone's at the door!
There's a pause. The doorbell rings again.
Cartman: Mom! Go get the door!
Becca stands up on the couch and looks through the window.
Becca: Oh goody! It's Charlie!
Cartman gets up and answers the door. Charlie stands outside, looking pissed.
Charlie: Did you get me fired?
Cartman: Huh?
Charlie: Did you call the police and tell them that a nine-year-old was working at the Food Co. so they'd go scare my supervisor and get me fired?
Cartman: Ha, yeah, I wish I thought of that.
Charlie (sighing): Well, since I'm here anyway, can we get this meeting over with?
Cartman: Alright. Headquarters are in the basement. Follow me.
They sit at a needlessly large table in the basement. Each is holding a stack of papers.
Cartman: Alright, first order of business: roll call. Eric Cartman, Founder and President, is present… [He marks something down.] Charlotte Pierzynski, field agent and accountant.
Charlie: [After a pause]…I'm here, Cartman.
Cartman: Excellent. Now let's get down to business. [He stands up. When he talks, it's as if he's addressing a full room, not just Charlie.] I have successfully located the storage facility in unincorporated Middle Park.
Now, the scene shifts to show Ms. Cartman driving Cartman, Charlie, and Becca. Cartman's voice continues to speak.
Cartman: I made a phone call to the facility and the manager I spoke to was unwilling to do business over the phone. We're going to have to do this thing in person. Step one: stop at the bank to take out a loan and set up an account in the name of Charlotte Pierzynski. [Charlie and Eric sit in front of a desk at the bank. Charlie is filling out some paperwork.] Step two: explain our proposition to the manager, throwing him a bone if necessary. [Charlie and Cartman stand by the desk of a man in an office. Cartman slides two five dollar bills across the desk, and the man's expression changes from one of indifference to satisfaction.] Step three: purchase our first order of the product—Girl Scout cookies.
The man from before uses a crowbar to open a garage-like storage door. We get a view from the inside as the door rises in front of Cartman and Charlie's faces. They both open their mouths in disbelief. They stand in what is essentially a warehouse filled with Girl Scout cookies.
Charlie: Whoa.
Cartman: It's so beautiful…
He runs to a massive tower of boxes labeled "Thin Mints" and begins to dance and twirl around with glee.
Cartman: Yes! YES! This is the greatest day of my life! YES!
Manager to Charlie: That boy sure does like Girl Scout cookies.
Ms. Cartman drives Cartman, Charlie, and Becca back home. The trunk is full of boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
Cartman (singing): We are gonna be rich! Girl Scout cookies are awesome! We are gonna be rich! From selling our awesome Thin Mints! Stan and Kyle will be jealous because they totally suck ass!
Becca: Ew! Sucking ass would taste like poo!
Ms. Cartman: It's actually more fun than it sounds.
The three kids stare at her awkwardly for a few seconds.
Cartman (singing): We are gonna be rich! Girl Scout cookies are awesome!
Cartman and Charlie stand in Cartman's basement, which is full of boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
Charlie: So now what?
Cartman: Now you start posting these around town [he hands her a bundle of large posters].
Charlie: And what are you doing?
Cartman: Taking inventory.
Cartman grabs a clipboard with a pen. Charlie walks up the stairs and disappears as Cartman taps his chin with the pen.
Cartman: Uh-huh… Yeah, let's see…
He pauses and looks in the direction of the stairs for a moment. Then he tears open a cardboard box, which in turn is filled with boxes of Thin Mints.
Cartman: Thank you, Jesus.
He rips open a box of Thin Mints and starts eating them ravenously.