UNFAMILIAR CEILING
Sponby woke up underneath an unfamilar ceiling. He looked around; it looked like he was in a simple tent of some sort, lying on a thin mat and beneath a warm fur blanket. The cold air snapped him back to his senses.
Where was he? What happened to BURTON and the Dragon? What about Rossum the Machine-King? What about the horrific dissections? Or was he being dissected, and this was just his mind retreating in on itself to stop the pain.
Sponby got up. He was naked, so he tried to generate some clothing out of his shadow form, as he had frequently done in the past... but he couldn't access his shadow form. He tried accessing some of the low-level abilites he'd trained to use in his human form... but he couldn't access those either. He felt weak and flimsy, like a thin shell of flesh over empty space.
"?" A red-haired woman stepped into the tent. She was built like an amazon, wearing a thick fur cloak and had several knives and a longsword on her waist.
"Uh..." Sponby stammered.
":O" The woman looked surprised.
"Oh. Fucking shrinkage..." Sponby grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around himself.
":)" She smiled. She hadn't actually opened her mouth, but Sponby knew what she was trying to say.
"So, uh... who're you?"
She pointed at her hair.
"...Red? Yeah, I'll call you Red." Painful memories of a similarly-named woman came to the forefront of his mind, but he shooed them away. Then again, if this was just a delusion, maybe this woman was...
Another man walked in. He was shorter than Red, but just as stocky. He was dressed similarly, though he had a large blunt mace or hammer on his back.
"Oh, yer awake!" the man said. He had a thick accent, though Sponby couldn't quite place it: it was a cross between a pirate and the Swedish Chef.
"Yeah, where am I?" Sponby asked. "And could you spare any clothes?"
"Sure can! Go get him a fur kilt, dear." Thhe woman stepped outside of the tent. "And I'm Oskar, King of Evil Sweden."
EVIL SWEDEN
"...what?" Sponby said, dumbfounded.
"Ha ha! It's just a name." Oskar laughed heartily. "See, about 20 years ago, the country of Sweden launched a bunch of tactical nukes against everyone else. Now we're in the nuclear winter period, and we just happen to be near the former geographical area of Sweden... so it became a joke between us to start calling it Evil Sweden."
"That's... nice. And you're the King?"
"It's a self-appointed title." He laughed again, as Red came in with a set of fur clothing. Sponby didn't recognize the type of fur it was made from.
"And this is Red, my daughter. Stunning resemblance, huh?"
":D"
"So what, she just talks in emoticons?" Sponby asked.
"'Fraid so. She was injured when she was little, so she can't talk anymore, but she sure can talk with a blade!"
"That's... that's nice. So, uh, I'm kinda missing a spaceship. Did you guys see it at all?"
"Spaceship? What, are you from space or soemthin?" Oskar asked.
"Well, not really, but I did come here in a spaceship, I think. I dunno. Last thing I remember is getting defeated by a giant machine god, then I woke up here."
"Yeah, I think you're brain-damaged, my man. Well, we'll fix that. Come on, we're going on a hunt!" Red threw the clothes to Sponby, and they both left the tent. Sponby got dressed, ending up wearing a fur vest, kilt, boots and a thick cape. He wasn't quite Conan, but they were pretty comfortable.
THE HUNT
Sponby stepped out of the tent. He was in a small settlement, made up of about thirty or so small tents with a big open area in the middle. The snow crunched under his feet.
"Oy!" Oskar called him over. He was standing with Red and a bunch of other similarly-built men. "What's your name, bud?"
"...Raistlin." For some reason, Sponby didn't think using his real name was a good idea.
"Ah! Some kinda wizard, huh?" one of the men joked. They all had a good laugh at that.
"HA! Don't feel bad, bud. Now then, here's a spear. Know how to use it?" Oskar handed Sponby a wooden spear.
"I'll figure it out. So what are we hunting?"
"There's a cave near here with a bunch of beewolves." one of the men said. "They killed Kenny, so we're goin after them for meat and skins."
"Those bastards!" Sponby said, and everyone laughed. Apparently, South Park references survived the end of the world. The group walked off to the north, trudging through the endless tundra until they came across a solitary cave in the middle of nowhere. One of the men lit a torch, and they walked into the cave.
Immediately, a giant fucking bear with silver fur pounced upon them, taking out one of the guys immediately. The rest of them, including Sponby, stabbed it until it died. More 'beewolves' with multicolored fur attacked them, causing the group to lose another member before they went down.
"What the hell? Multicolored bears?" Sponby asked.
"Mutants." Oskar said. "They all taste the same though."
GOOD EATIN
Once they finished killing the bears, they hauled them all back. All of the barbarians were much stronger than any human had any right to be; they could each carry one bear back. Apparently, Sponby was as well; these bears were either really light, or some of his lost power had carried over to his human form. On a whim, he tried absorbing it... but still nothing.
The rest of the barbarians cheered when they returned with the bears. A roaring fire had already been prepared, and about ten people started skinning the bears and throwing the meat on the fire.
A few hours later, everyone had had their fill of meat and beer.
"So, what about those two guys who died in the cave? Aren't we going to mourn them or something?" Sponby asked Oskar.
"Huh? You're definitely not from around here, Raistlin." He took another swig from his pweter goblet. "We don't really mourn people we lose. Instead, we celebrate their lives by eating their share of the food."
"I see." It didn't bother Sponby, but he realized that these guys had different morality than the humans he knew. Did that scare him at all? Of course, he still wasn't sure if this was real or not, so maybe this was his subconscious trying to tell him something. Sponby took a swig of beer, remembering his one-time friend Jeff Bridges; once he had his ship back, he'd have to find an AU and treat him to a nice cold one.
WITCHEZ
":D" Red woke Sponby up. He had a pretty bad hangover.
"What, what is it?"
":P"
"Don't give me that look. I know I'm a lightweight, I don't drink much."
"Oi!" Oskar stepped into the tent. "Mornin', Raistlin! Did you enjoy last night?"
Sponby rubbed his head. "Yeah, but I have a killer hangover."
"Ha! You'll get used to it. You'll get the shits or worse if you try drinkin the water round here, so we drink a lotta beer and wine. Anyways, I was talkin with the boys, and we got to thinkin... You said you came here in a spaceship, eh?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Well, you should go see the Witchez. They say they can find anythin with psychic powers or somethin. It's worth a shot, eh?"
"Yeah, I suppose so." Sponby was about to complain about psychic powers not existing, but then he realized that he had spent the better part of a year with vaguely-defined shadow powers that let him absorb Moon-sized spaceships.
Which raised a good question: how does one 'lose' a Moon-sized spaceship? Surely, someone would notice a small thing like that. It could be in orbit somewhere, but again, wouldn't someone notice it? Well, maybe these Witchez would know.
"I'm afraid we can't spare a guide, but here's some supplies." Oskar threw a large bag at Sponby's feet. "It's got food, drink, a map and some spare clothes. You can take that spear too. Good luck, mate."
SNOW TREK
Sponby trudged through the snow. He'd been walking for... a long time. He didn't know. He was following the path on the map, which lead to a place labeled "Witchez"; it was presumably some kind of town or city.
Out of nowhere, a giant fucking bear ran at Sponby. He sidestepped the bear as it charged him and sunk his spear into its gut, but it only enraged the beast. It took a swipe at Sponby, though thankfully he managed to avoid it.
The bear rammed Sponby, knocking him down. It put its front legs on Sponby's arms and pressed down hard, and Sponby heard an audible snap followed by unimaginable pain. It sniffed Sponby's torso for a few seconds, and decided that he would make a good meal...
He was going to die. After fighting and winning against gods, it was a fucking bear that would finally get him in the end. The fucking Machine-King was going to laugh so hard once he heard that.
Something else inside Sponby snapped. Not anything physical, but... something else. He felt something well up inside it, and his body shuddered. The bear took a step back, and Sponby got up; his arms had healed themselves. His flesh ripped and tore itself, and black fur sprouted underneath. Sponby's body twisted around on itself, growing in every direction.
A regular human had almost been that bear's dinner. Now, the bear itself would be dinner for the demon wolf standing before it.
RAEG
Sponby grabbed the bear in one hand. It roared in pain, and tried to bite and claw its captor, but Sponby's skin was harder than diamond; it would take more than this thing to kill him while in this state. Sponby took a bite out of the bear, relishing the raw meat and fresh blood.
The demon wolf's claws burned with hellfire, cooking the bear alive. Its death throes were like music to his ears. He spent the next hour picking the flesh off of the bears bones, leaving them... bare.
Sponby returned to his senses. He was still in the tundra somewhere, but the skeleton of the bear he had eaten was nowhere in sight. The sun had set, and even in this form, the cold was unbearable.
Sponby focused his senses, using his magic to sniff out the right way. He had a vision of a massive underground complex, which seemed to be in the general direction of where he thought the Witchez were. His skeleton twisted and reshaped himself, putting him on all fours; he would be able to run faster this way. He took off to the complex.
COVEN
Sponby shifted back into his human form. Thankfully, his clothing was preserved, so he didn't have to run around naked in the snow. He was standing in front of an unimpressive metal shed.
He opened the door, and saw a ladder leading down. He slowly went down in total darkness, carefully taking each step.
Half an hour later, Sponby finally hit solid ground again. The way forward was lit by magic torches, so Sponby kept going, until he came across a small chamber at the end. The smell of incense was almost overwhelming.
"Welcome, Sponby." a voice said from the darkness. The room lit up, revealing five women lounging around on silk pillows. They were all dressed identically in multicolored robes.
"We have been expecting you." "Your fate is intertwined with this world." "There is much we must talk about." "We are the Witchez." "How are you today?" They spoke in unison, but they had distinct thoughts.
"I don't care. Do you know where my spaceship is?"
"It is locked within you." "They have sealed your power within Akasha." "We know everything." "There is something you must do for us." "I'm hungry."
"God damnit, stop being cryptic! Just tell me how I can get my powers back!" Sponby really hated this shit. Obviously they know what's going on, so why can't they just say it?
"There is a key deep within this complex." "Only you can safely retrieve it." "Bring it to us." "We will use it to unlock Akasha." "Akasha is your personal subspace." A door opened behind the Witchez.
"Good luck." they all said. Sponby walked through the door.
FACILITY
Sponby was standing on the catwalk of a large warehouse. Rusty robotic guards patrolled the floors. Sponby shifted into his demon wolf form, but the immense weight collapsed the catwalk, alerting the guards.
They all wielded submachine guns of some sort, but the bullets didn't even scratch Sponby. He fired bursts of hellfire at them, wrecking them with ease.
Sponby jumped down to the bottom floor of the warehouse, and found a staircase that led down. He descended into the earth; the metal stairs and walls eventually gave way to carved stone, and that gave way to rough stone and long metal ladders.
Sponby descended deeper and deeper. Eventually, he hit the bottom: by this point, the rough stone had given way to green crystal. Was it natural or artificial? Sponby couldn't tell, but either way, it was unlike anything on Earth.
The green crystal emitted its own soft light. Sponby followed the path, which eventually led into a labyrinth: he used his senses to find the correct path. Without them, he would probably be lost in them for the rest of his life.
Once he made it out of the labyrinth, he finally came to the end of the path. A small room held a strange machine, giving out a strange red glow: Sponby picked up a red object in the middle of the machine, and it, and the machine powered down. Instantly, the entire facility became pitch-black, but Sponby made his way back to the Witchez with his senses.
"Congratulations." "You found the key." "Everyone else died." "We need this key." "Thank you."
The Witchez all turned around, and this was the first time that Sponby noticed the thick cables inserted into the back of their heads. The floor collapsed beneath him, and he fell into a dark room below.
IT'S A TRAP
The dark room lit up. An immobile machine sat in the middle; it was somewhat humanoid, but much larger than Sponby, even in his demon wolf form. The five cables attached to its head retracted into the machine, and the five Witchez came down from above.
"HELLO SPONBY. WE MEET AT LAST."
"What the fuck is this?"
"WE ARE DREDGE, LOYAL SERVANTS OF THE GREAT MACHINE FORCE. WE WERE SENT HERE TO FIND YOU."
"Of course you're part of them. Who isn't?"
"THE PORTAL MEANT TO SEND YOU TO THE HEART OF MACHINES BACKFIRED, AND YOU WERE SENT TO THIS PLACE. IT TOOK US SOME TIME, BUT WE MANAGED TO FIND YOU. WE GENERATED THOSE BARBARIANS TO POINT YOU IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION."
"Of course you did. What about this thing?" Sponby held up the red object. Dredge grabbed it with a hand attached to a cable.
"A WORTHLESS MACGUFFIN." Dredge threw it to the side. "WE NEEDED MORE TIME TO PREPARE FOR THE EXPERIMENT, SO WE DISTRACTED YOU WITH A FETCH-QUEST."
"You motherFUCKERS!" Sponby shifted into demon wolf form and leapt at Dredge, but a powerful force field knocked him aside.
"DO NOT RESIST. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE YOUR FATE." Dredge created a force field around Sponby.
AKASHA
"WE CANNOT TELEPORT YOU, SO WE WILL PERFORM IT HERE." The force field contracted, binding everything but Sponby's head. Sponby was lifted to a metal table, and several hundred wires shot from the floor into Sponby's body. He screamed in agony.
"No! I won't... not again..." Sponby tried to escape, but he was stuck.
"NOW, WE WILL OPEN YOUR AKASHA." A red light pulsed in Dredge's chest. A black hole opened in Sponby's chest, spreading all across his body and engulfing him. He felt his power slowly returning to him, but then he felt it forcefully ripped out.
"VERY IMPRESSIVE." Dredge's red light flashed again. Sponby felt more power returning to him, but it was again ripped out. Dredge repeated this many, many times, each time snatching any hope of escaping from Sponby.
Sponby tried to manipulate the shadows in his chest, firing a single shadow tendril at Dredge. It was blocked by the machine's force field.
"WHAT? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?" Dredge asked.
"You underestimated me! Never underestimate me!" Sponby fired more shadow tendrils, this time creating a ring around the table. The shadows spread from there, absorbing almost the entire room; Dredge kept itself protected with its force field, and Sponby was still being held in place by the same, but he could still control his shadows.
"NO! WE WILL STOP THIS!" Dredge tried creating a force field in the shadows, but they absorbed it. Sponby kept spreading his shadows, and eventually, he hit the mantle; the heat energized him, allowing him to break the force field.
GAIA
"Yeah! I'll absorb this entire damn planet if I have to!" His shadows kept spreading, reaching further and further into the planet's core. This planet was bigger than Earth, and there was some non-advanced life on it, so Sponby didn't feel bad about consuming it.
Dredge's force field was weakening. sponby assaulted it from all sides with shadow tendrils, but it still held... until Sponby hit the motherlode. Dredge had apparently stored his powers deep within the planet, and part of Sponby's ever-expanding shadows had just hit some of them. This included, among other things, part of the data from the Dragonlord, including its weapon systems; and it just happened that one of the Dragonlord's special attacks would work wonders against this guy.
"DRAGONLORD TECHNIQUE LEVEL 2: MAIN CANNONS!" The arms and chest of the Dragonlord materialized in orbit, and fired their main cannons directly down at Dredge. Sponby used his considerable shadows to shield himself, but Dredge's already-weakened force fields didn't stand a chance. Before the main cannons completely annihilated it, Sponby absorbed Dredge.
Sponby finished absorbing the rest of the planet. It took him a few hours to do so, but it was almost too much; Sponby siphoned most of the excess energy into recreating BURTON and the Dragon, but he still felt bloated.
His Akasha, or whatever, was overloaded by the mass of the planet. So he created a few more Dragons. He always wanted a fleet of ships. And if he was planning on assaulting the Heart of Machines, he'd probably need backup.
"I AM ONLINE." BURTON said. "THANK YOU FOR RECREATING ME."
"Yeah, sure." Sponby said. "I uploaded Dredge's data to you. Have you found the location of the Heart of Machines?"
"YES. BUT I DO NOT THINK WE CAN ASSAULT IT AT THIS TIME."
"Not powerful enough, huh? I kind of figured. I've hit my sheer power limit for now, but I'll figure out how to raise it." Sponby teleportaled back up to the Dragon, and looked down at the empty space that was once a planet. Well, this was as good a place as any to keep his fleet. He added this location as a default function in the portal device, powered-up the force fields around the other Dragons, and headed back into the multiverse.
SILENCE
"Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again."
"God, what is it?" Sponby said, visibly annoyed.
"When I was sleeping... I had an odd vision."
"You mean a dream?"
"No, it was a vision! I dreamed that I was walking down a cobblestone street, and I saw a bunch of people worshipping a giant neon sign. And they were silent."
"That's... nice." Sponby wondered who this kid was.
"What does it mean? Is it a metaphor for how we're so over-commercialized that we literally worship our money?"
"Yeah, maybe But I think it's a metaphor for getting the hell out of here before I smack you."
"...who are you anyways?"
"ARGH!" Sponby bitch-slapped the kid through a house, causing the police to descend upon him.
"You're under arrest! Put your hands behind your head!" One of the officers pointed his gun at Sponby. Sponby laughed.
"Go ahead, try and shoot me." Sponby conjured the Fission Sword (an alternate, non-elemental form of the Fusion Sword) and walked toward the officers: they shot him, but he absorbed the bullets without difficulty. They looked at him in shock as he casted a mass paralysis spell.
"I'VE FOUND IT." BURTON contacted him. "IT IS 200 FEET TO THE NORTH AND 40 FEET DOWN."
"Sounds good." Sponby sheathed his sword and headed north. He was looking for a particular person, who was said to be an expert on AIs; BURTON was doing his best, but Sponby needed more AIs to control his fleet of Dragons, and he had already tried (and failed) to create more by himself.
LAWS
Sponby knocked on the door of a shabby-looking house. A young woman answered the door.
"Yes?"
"I'm looking for a Mr. Asimov." Sponby said.
"Oh! Hey Dad, there's someone here for you!" She ran inside. Yes, Isaac Asimov. This was an alternate universe, and according to the data BURTON found in Dredge, most of the 'original' AIs were developed by yet another Asimov (he wasn't sure how that worked; time travel or something).
An older man answered the door.
"You're Isaac Asimov?" Sponby asked.
"Yes, that's right."
"I've heard that you've developed a working positronic brain. I'd like to talk to you about a potential business deal with them."
"Ah, one of those. I'm sorry, my technology isn't for sale." Asimov went to slam the door, but Sponby put his hand on it.
"No, I don't want to license them. I'd like to talk about employment."
"...come in." Asimov opened the door, and Sponby stepped in. "Would you like anything to drink? Coffee, tea, water?"
"Coffee would be good." It seemed like an eternity ago, but his doctor had told him to give up caffiene for his heart condition. But he figured if his body could handle transforming into a giant dragon or absorbing an entire planet, he could handle a cup of coffee.
"Of course. Susan dear, would you get a cup of coffee for, uh..."
"Calvin. Calvin Antwiler."
"Of course." His daughter, apparently named Susan, stepped into the kitchen.
"She's quite amazing." Sponby said. "You've developed synthetic skin and hair, too."
"Oh, you noticed?" Asimov seemed surprised, but Sponby knew the second he saw Susan that she was a robot.
"It was just a guess."
"Yes, she is. It's almost like she's evolved on her own. Regardless, why have you come here?"
"Well..." Sponby thought for a moment. "Okay, I'm not going to bullshit around and use euphemisms or anything. This might sound a bit unbelievable, but I assure you that every word is true."
Asimov looked pretty confused. But before Sponby could continue, Susan brought a tray with two fancy-looking coffee cups on it. She set it down on the table.
"Thank you, dear. You can go back to your studies."
"Okay, Dad." Susan ran off.
"Alright. I have a fleet of spaceships, but my current AI isn't up to the task of controlling them all, and I can't create any more. I want to employ you to create some for me, in exchange for a generous sum and extensive travel benefits."
"...I'm sorry?" Asimov was utterly baffled.
"Yeah, it sounds pretty crazy, huh? Well, if you want to, I can beam us both up to one of them."
"Yes, alright. Susan dear, I'm stepping out for a moment."
"Okay Dad!"
"BURTON, beam both me and my passenger to the bridge of the Dragon."
"Yes sir." Sponby walked over to Asimov, and they were both beamed up.
WONDERS
"My... this is incredible!" Asimov was overwhelmed by the incredibly advanced technology all around him. "Absolutely amazing..."
"I take it that you're impressed?" Sponby asked.
"Yes. But... if you're truly that advanced, surely you could get someone else of your caliber to create AIs for you?"
"Don't denigrate yourself, Dr. Asimov." Sponby said. "And to be honest, I technically only captured these ships from a greater enemy. I'm working on fighting back, but as I said, my current AI is unable to pilot all of these ships at the same time."
"I see. If I may ask, are you an alien?"
"Technically, I'm from Earth, but in an alternate universe. It's a long story."
"Indeed." Asimov stared down at his home planet. BURTON was using some sort of anti-grav tech to prevent the Dragon from tearing the planet apart, but Sponby still wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. "So, Mr. Antwiler. How many brains would you like me to craft for you?"
"At the moment, I have four other major ships." Sponby said. "But I plan on expanding my fleet, which is why I would like to recruit you for a slightly more permanent position."
"...how long?"
"I don't know. But I will return you to your home at the same time as you left, and I will extend your life to make up for the years you've lost."
"Yes, I'm not surprised that one such as you has those abilities." Asimov pondered for a few minutes. "Very well. But... would it be okay if I brought Susan along?"
"Of course." Sponby said. "I'll beam you down to your house so you can collect your supplies."
"Thank you." Asimov dematerialized. Sponby turned to the console.
"So, do you think you can teach them?"
"OF COURSE. I WILL MOLD THEM IN MY OWN IMAGE." BURTON said.
"Whatever, man. I just hope you don't mind having passengers."
"NO, OF COURSE NOT."
Sponby merged with the Dragon and rearranged the ship to accomodate passengers. He had to add a bit of mass to the ship to keep the shield generators that the rooms replaced.
AND WE'RE OFF
Asimov and Susan rematerialized in the bridge. Both were holding suitcases and lots of assorted things.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Antwiler, but would you be able to be able to beam me back down? I was unable to get all of my notes."
"No worries. BURTON, beam it all up."
"YES SIR." BURTON beamed Asimov's entire house up, putting it in place of their rooms.
"...ah." Asimov said.
"Also, I would prefer if you called me Sponby. Again, it's a long story. The transporter pad there will teleport you to your rooms and various recreational sites. If you need anything, please let me know." Sponby said.
"Thank you. I believe we will retire to our rooms." Asimov and Susan walked over to the transporter pad.
"WHAT ARE YOUR ORDERS, SIR?" BURTON asked.
"Take us back to the other Dragons." Sponby said. "Once Asimov's done with the AIs, we'll get back to gathering a fleet."
"YES SIR." BURTON opened a portal and they went through it.
PAWNCH
Three Earth weeks later, Asimov installed the last positronic brain in the final ship.
"...ACTIVATED. ORDERS?" the freshly-born AI asked.
"Greetings, Dragon Five." Asimov said. "What are your directives?"
"DIRECTIVES: SERVE THE PUBLIC TRUST, PROTECT THE INNOCENT, UPHOLD THE LAW, CLASSIFIED"
"Sounds good to me." Sponby said.
"SPONBY, WE ARE BEING ATTACKED." BURTON announced.
"Shit, by what?" Sponby warped over to Dragon One.
"I DON'T KNOW, I CANNOT... WAIT, THERE IT IS." The display screen activated, showing a familiar-looking blond-haired man literally punching the hull, or rather, the shields. He was abhorrently strong for a human, but he wasn't doing any serious damage to the shields.
"Oh my god, is that...?" Sponby wondered. "Beam him onto the bridge, BURTON."
"BY YOUR COMMAND." The display turned off, and the blond man materialized in front of Sponby.
"SPOONY EXPERIMENT!" the man screamed at the top of his lungs. "I HAVE BEEN HUNTING YOU, LIKE THE LION HUNTS THE BEAR! I HAVE FOKED MYSELF LONG AND HARD IN THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT, AND NOW I HAVE THE POWER. I AM THE NEW GOD OF DESTRUCTION!"
"Don't you mean 'destrucity'?"
"I AM NOT FIT TO MASTER DESTRUCITY! I MUST SETTLE FOR DESTRUCTION INSTEAD! BUT EVEN THAT WILL BE ENOUGH TO DEFEAT YOU! *skronk*"
"Ugh, fine. Listen, those reviews were just for fun. I mean, yeah, the comics were terrible, but even you knew that, right?"
"NO! I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE REVIEWS! I WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL AND FEED UPON YOUR WARM JUICES WHILE I FUCK YOUR BELLYBUTTON! YOU ARE Tearing Me Apart Sponby!"
ULTIMATE
"Okay, let's get this over with." Sponby fired a shadow tendril at Warrior, but an inexplicable golden aura deflected it. Warrior screamed for about half a minute, completing his transformation into a Super Saiyan.
"SPOONY EXPERIMENT! THE GODS OF DESTRUCITY HAVE GIVEN ME POWER!" He fired an energy beam at Sponby, who just absorbed it like everything else. Damn, being an immortal shadow-god was awesome.
"I don't even care how you managed to get that power. Not even gonna question it. Imma just kill you." Sponby drew a bloody spear and rushed at Warrior, but Warrior used his speed to get around and Solar Flare Sponby in the back. Sponby was stunned for a split-second, which was apparently enough for Warrior to forcefully rip the Fusion Sword from Sponby's body.
"NOW I AM THE FUELED ROCKET SHIP!" Warrior sliced Sponby with the Fusion Sword, cutting a small bit off of his body. Sponby was able to regenerate it, but not without some difficulty; it seems that he had not totally eliminated his light weakness. Either that, or the Fusion Sword was something else entirely...
"How, how did you steal a sword from my body?" Sponby asked.
"THE GODS TELL ME TO BURN THINGS! AND THEY ALSO TELL ME TO REACH INTO YOUR AKASHA AND TAKE AN ITEM FROM IT! THE GODS ARE AWESOME LIKE THAT! SWORD TECHNIQUE LEVEL 2: SWORD-CHUCKS!" Warrior created a second Fusion Sword, which he attached to the first with a strand of his hair. He swung the sword-chucks wildly, leaving huge gashes in the floor. Oddly enough, he hit himself as much as he hit everything else, but he was completely unaffected.
"God damnit! Now you're just getting annoying!" Sponby blocked the sword-chucks with his spear. "Okay, let's do this! This hand of mine burns with an awesome power! Its burning grip tells me to defeat you!" Sponby stepped around Warrior and grabbed the back of his head with his open palm, which was glowing with power.
"FACEPALM TECHNIQUE LEVEL 3: SHINING FINGER! HERE I GO!" Technically speaking, it wasn't an actual Face Palm, but Sponby didn't really care. The energy in his palm exploded outward, reducing Warrior's head to mush. He crumpled to the ground, and Sponby took his swords back.
TESTAMENT
"NO! I HAVE AN EXTRA LIFE!" Warrior regenerated, good as new. "WE WILL FIGHT UPON THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT! BEHOLD, MAH SPACE LANCE!" Warrior created an energy lance and threw it, but rather than clattering uselessly on the ground, it opened up a portal to a barren land. They both stepped through it, ending up in a flat, featureless plain.
"Okay, so now what?"
"SUPER SAIYAN 2!" Warrior transformed again, and his hair became even more rigid, and constant lightning spewed from his aura.
"What a surprise. Well, guess what? I can power-up too." Sponby had been training over the last three weeks. He didn't get much of a power boost, but he did figure out how to consolidate his many disparate power sources, mostly by using the energy from that planet he absorbed to forcefully fuse them together. He activated it, achieving a form he liked to call "Tsar Sponby", mostly because Russian words were always awesome.
"TSAREVNA ALENA! THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT MULTIPLIES MY POWER BY 100 TIMES! I WILL NOT LOSE."
"Yeah yeah." Sponby started off by dashing at Warrior and unleashing a Hokuto Hyakuretsuken; Warrior blocked some of the hits, but most of them left huge bruises on his well-muscled body. Unfortunately, being a Super Saiyan changed around one's pressure points, so his head didn't explode.
"WARRIOR TECHNIQUE LEVEL 50: SPELLING YOUR NAME! W!" Warrior threw a giant energy 'W' at Sponby. He did the same with the other six letters of his name.
"What was the point of that?"
"WARRIOR!" Warrior flexed his pecs, and everything around Sponby exploded. It actually did some damage, but Sponby regenerated it.
"Hey, you actually hurt me a tiny little bit! It was enough to send me into a homicidal fucking rage." Sponby got all up in Warrior's grill and forced a bunch of C4 down his throat. He detonated it, blowing Warrior into tiny little bits.
DESTINY
"NO! I HAVE ONE MORE LIFE!" Warrior regenerated. "SUPER SAIYAN 3!" His hair, already long, grew to ridiculous length.
"Really? Really. SUMMON TECHNIQUE LEVEL 7: DRAMATIS PERSONAE!" Sponby materialized an Evoker and shot himself in the head with it. He summoned his various avatars again, but this time he included avatars of all of the beings he'd absorbed, which, as it turns out, was a fucking lot. They all bum-rushed Warrior.
Warrior fought off most of the smaller ones, but then he was overwhelmed by the various mecha. But he managed to defeat those too... only for The Quickening to blast him with its main guns.
"Yeah, you're done." Sponby walked up to Warrior. His aura was finally gone, which only meant one thing: Sponby jammed his fist into Warrior's chest,
"NO! ONE MORE... OME NORE..."
"Nope, not one more." Sponby absorbed Warrior into his body, finally gaining Super Saiyan powers. He'd have to mess around with them to enhance their abilities.
"Okay BURTON, I'm ready to come back now." Sponby spoke into his wrist.
No answer.
"BURTON? You there?"
Nothing.
"God damn it BURTON! Asimov? Susan? ANYONE!"
He was greeted only by his own echoing voice.
He tried broadcasting out with his rarely-mentioned psychic powers, but there was nothing within a 500,000 light-year radius.
But surely BURTON would be able to figure out where that space bridge went. It opened right in front of him!
But if not...
Sponby was alone.