Title: Possibly, Maybe: Chapter Three
Author: Blu_Eyed_Demon
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men or any of the characters or this would have probably happened in the comics
Summary: Bobby's utterly miserable and no one but Jean Paul seems to be noticing...
Chapter Three: In which we finally get an insight into Bobby's mind.
Chapter Three
Bobby Drake felt as though some of the weight on his shoulders had been lifted for the first time in what felt like forever. Sure, a trip down the stairs hadn't exactly been a dream come true but he enjoyed the easy banter he could engage in with Jean Paul. Bobby could have a conversation with the Canadian without feeling like he was expected to be a certain person. If he was in a bad mood, which was more often than not lately, Northstar didn't make him feel obligated to smile and joke when he didn't have the energy for it.
Now that he knew that Jean Paul was gay he was starting to think maybe that had something to do with it. He'd probably lived with other people's stereotypical expectations and just made it policy not to put them on other people. He was just cool like that, Bobby decided.
Maybe if he could just not think about it, that thing that on his chest that made him want to puke and punch something simultaneously, he could just spend a nice and normal evening with someone and enjoy it. That would make a nice change.
He settled down in the blissfully empty rec room with a large bottle of pepsi and a bowl of dorito chips, determined to lose himself in TV for the afternoon.
He didn't though, he found himself staring blankly as he thought about the thing he wasn't meant to be thinking about. Jean Paul had touched him, touched him right there and the world hadn't imploded.
No one had touched that patch of ice, well, Annie had in a clinical way a nurse would but she hadn't exactly hidden her distaste or horror. Jean Paul hadn't pulled away from the cold though. He hadn't looked horrified or disgusted, just surprised. He didn't even moved his hand away.
Bobby didn't understand it. Normal people just didn't like the cold, that's why he'd been so damn scared lately, scared and angry. People needed warmth and tenderness, that's what they instinctively searched for and what he was fast losing. As if he needed any more reasons why he was dateless. He didn't like to think about the last time he'd actually had sex because the memory was so distant, so vague, that it just depressed him all over again.
He was willing to bet Jean Paul never had a shortage of dates, after all rich and attractive always made up for a sometimes snappy personality, besides, he wasn't as bad a guy as some people claimed. He certainly didn't deserve the things some of the students said about him, that was for sure.
Bobby frowned as he backtracked through his thoughts, had he just thought of Jean Paul as attractive? Well, it was clearly because he was just being observant and calling a spade, a spade. Not for any other reason, nope not at all.
Though he appreciated the distraction, he wasn't really sure why of all the available options in the mansion, Northstar had chosen to invite him out. After all, there were so many others in the mansion that were far more cultured than Bobby, not to mention less of a jerk. He knew he'd been an absolute dick lately but also felt justified in being one, after all he had lost control of his body and was thus losing any chance of ever having a real and fulfilling relationship. Surely, that had to give him license to be in a bad mood?
So he'd taken it out on anyone who hadn't been in the original X-team with him. It was irrational, cruel and stupid and completely irrational, and yet it had made him feel better. For about Five minutes.
Now though, he felt lousy every time he thought about how badly he'd treated perfectly nice people. He'd even gone so far as to threaten to kill Jean Paul and yet Jean Paul had asked him to join him for dinner. The poor guy must really be lonely to resort to asking Bobby for company.
He changed the channel over to an old episode of Buffy as he stuffed a handful of chips in his mouth. He watched for a moment as the gang fought off an army of zombies.
Now that he was thinking about it, it occurred to Bobby that Jean Paul really didn't seem to have many friends here in the mansion. Bobby had friends but none of them had time for him lately so he felt he could sort of relate to the other man's loneliness. Who knows, maybe their banter was a sign of a good budding friendship. He'd always liked the guy well enough, he had a very quick sense of humour that Bobby appreciated. He'd always thought his power was pretty cool, envied his skill at winter sports and admired his ass.
Wait a minute.
Bobby choked on his doritos in shock at himself. Why did he just think that? He hadn't been checking out Northstar's ass, had he? No, of course he hadn't, because Jean Paul was a man and a team mate and Bobby was trying to avoid both elements in his prospective dates. His track record with women was bad enough, he was always left for a more 'manly' man (often Alex fucking Summers) or because they discover they were a fucking star or-
Bobby forced himself to stop dwelling. He was swearing far too much and since he wasn't really one to swear that often it just proved this wasn't a thought train that he wanted to follow. He was too lonely and bitter to think about the women who'd scorned him right now.
He was also certain that, as humiliating as it was to have a woman make it clear he wasn't man enough for her, the sting of shame and embarrassment would be far greater if he was rejected by another man. He couldn't really make sense of why he felt like this and he knew in many ways it was irrational but be couldn't just shut off his feelings about the matter. He hadn't wanted to deal with it, hadn't wanted to want to date men and so he'd pushed any thoughts about men to one side and tried not to think about them again. And definitely hadn't checked out Jean Paul. Well, maybe a little but then that was more the fault of Northstar showing off a great ass in that uniform of his.
He'd never even begun considering the idea of even possibly liking men before he'd met Cloud. The way he'd been raised, the way his family was, it just wasn't an option. It wasn't as though his father was marching around ranting and raving about 'sinners' and 'faggots', it was just never something talked about. Never something that really existed in Bobby's life so he wasn't really aware that a guy could feel something like that for a man. Hey, he'd been a kid after all.
And then he'd come to the school and the others boys had gotten girlfriends and so he followed suit, stumbling from one disastrous attempt to another with nothing but a cheery smile and a stupid joke because it hadn't meant much to him. Then things started going down hill, there was Lorna then there was Cloud who opened his mind to a world of scary possibilities and he'd freaked and acted like a jerk. It was like a default setting for him. Ever since then he'd gone from wrong woman to wrong woman, becoming more and more disillusioned as he did so. If this was how badly women could stomp on him, he dreaded to think what a man could do, what Jean Paul could do to him.
He shook his head, smirking at himself almost bitterly, why was he wasting time worrying about whether or not he'd been checking out another man. Soon he'll be permanent ice and all he'd ever be able to do is look and fantasize, why deny himself? It wasn't as though Jean Paul would actually ever be interested in a guy like him. At least knowing that fact and knowing that he, Bobby, would never want date a guy anyway meant he didn't have to worry about rejection. He could just enjoy the company and the Chinese food being paid for by someone else and maybe, just maybe, forget about it for a while.
He had changed his outfit three times but it wasn't because he wanted to impress Jean Paul. No, of course not, nothing like that, he just didn't want to embarrass Jean Paul. He didn't want to wearing the wrong style or colour, look out-dated or clash the colours or anything else that might show him up as a pleb. Jean Paul may have assured him that they were only going for Chinese but he still didn't put it past the Speedster to have found the one five-star, ultra exclusive and snobby Chinese restaurant that existed and take Bobby there.
He checked himself in the mirror once more. He was wearing a shirt that had been a Christmas gift from Warren and he'd never actually worn before. It was a deep shade of blue, buttoned at the wrists and complimented his eyes, or so the women had assured him when he had unwrapped it. He had the top two buttons undone, though had done numerous tests to ensure none of it was visible at any angle. With the shirt he was wearing a pair of black pants and black shoes, nothing two over the top just enough that he should hopefully fit in wherever they went.
He ran his fingers through his short hair once more before deciding that he was acting too much like a teenage girl before a date and had to stop. He threw on a jacket and decided to head downstairs, he had about two minutes according to his cell phone to make it to the main foyer of the mansion, their agreed meeting place.
He knew as he hurried through the building that he was going to be late, there was no avoiding it when you lived in a mansion and didn't have speed as part of your super power package. He could only hope that Jean Paul was in a forgiving mood, or at the very least a charm-able mood. Not that Bobby had much charm in order to win him over with.
He found Northstar standing by the front door, watching him with the usual smirk on his lips. He was twirling his car keys around a finger and looking effortlessly poised and graceful in a way that Bobby knew he'd never achieve. As he approached, he was aware of Jean Paul's eyes moving over him. Checking out the suitability of his wardrobe and no doubt praising whomever he prayed to that Bobby had avoided Hawaiian prints for the occasion.
"Hey, sorry about the lateness." His mother had always told him it was good form to apologise when you've kept someone waiting. She didn't however teach him to check out the person whilst he was doing so but there was no use in pretending to himself that he was only looking at Jean Paul's clothes to compare, he knew full well what he was looking at and why.
If he was being truly honest with himself, he'd acknowledge that he'd been looking at Jean Paul a lot since he'd found out the other man was gay. He'd never knowingly spent much time with gay men, well there was apparently two guys in the X-Force team that were causing rumours but Bobby wasn't certain he'd ever had a conversation with either so they were a moot point.
Jean Paul, though, he knew Jean Paul and yet had never known that he was gay. Had Bobby been blind from stupidity or by some sort of wilful ignorance fuelled by the fact that he'd never wanted to explore that part of himself and so he'd not seen it in others either? He wasn't sure and, really, he was too nervous for this kind of intense, heavy thinking.
"No problem, mon ami." Jean Paul assured him with a small smile and a dismissive wave of the hand "Since I know you, I did expect it so I had time to bring the car round."
Bobby felt a sudden surge of blind panic, was it that obvious he would change so many times? He then squashed the irrational thought, everyone knew that he was easily distracted and terrible with deadlines, even his own students.
They headed outside together and, once having caught sight of the car, he let out a low whistle.
"You really know how to spoil a guy, huh?" He asked as he looked over the vehicle with awe "Buying me dinner and riding in a beauty like that..." He may never be able to afford a baby like this of his own, but it didn't mean had hadn't always admired cars like this. Having a friend like Warren meant he got tastes of amazing cars that had spoilt him for the kind that he could afford.
"If you're good perhaps I'll let you drive back." Jean Paul had replied and for a moment Bobby looked at him in shock that he'd trust Bobby behind the wheel of such an expensive car before very slowly grinning.
"I'm going to hold you to that, JP." He warned waggling his finger at the other man as he climbed into the passenger's seat aware of Jean Paul replying in French but since he did not understand it, he chose to ignore it.
As he settled against the black leather and buckled in, he realised how good it was feeling to just spend time with someone without all the baggage or angst, just enjoying the company. With all the troubles that he and his friends had been having, he couldn't remember the last time he'd sat down with any of them and just enjoyed it without having to trade horror stories of their own crappy lives.
He watched the older man as they pulled out and began to drive. Since it was the middle of summer it was still perfectly light as they made their way and as they drew closer to their destination, Bobby's grin grew once more. He knew this place and absolutely loved it. When he had told Jean Paul so, he noticed the Canadian very visible relaxed. Who knew he was so uptight about dinner?