A/N In light of this frankly depressing chapter, I think I need to say now that the entire story isn't going to be one long angst fest. I promise there will be some lighter, some rather adorable, and some very romantic moments to come. Just not in this chapter!

Chapter 12

The Doctor stood in stricken silence, staring after Rose as she left the room. His eyes turned away from the empty corridor and he walked over and collapsed into a chair in the infirmary. The Doctor buried his face in his hands, fighting to gain some form of control over his tumultuous thoughts. He felt like he was being torn apart in a thousand directions. So many thoughts and emotions were warring inside him, each one vying for dominance.

He was so angry. Angry at Kedra and T'neer – people he had been working to help while they were secretly experimenting on and violating Rose, using her body, her very life, for their own gain. He could scarcely even allow himself to see their reasoning or the desperation that had been driving their actions because to him nothing could justify what they had done to Rose.

He also felt a sickening fear for the immediate future. Could he even ensure Rose's safety throughout this pregnancy? A 'normal' human pregnancy in and of itself carried a variety of risks and didn't always go smoothly. But this? Could her body handle a cross-species pregnancy and whatever additional risks might present themselves along the way?

In the midst of the fear and anger he felt the crushing weight of grief pressing in on him. He desperately wished he didn't feel that way, but he just couldn't escape it. The Doctor knew the ramifications of having a part human child. It was the very reason he never would have chosen to have children with Rose if the choice had been in his hands. He honestly didn't believe he could find the strength for this. Not again.

He had been a father before, but never in quite this way. He had been a genetic donor in the looming process, fulfilling an emotionally-detached duty. But then there was Susan, and he found his emotions could no longer remain detached from his beloved granddaughter. In many ways she had been so much like himself that he'd whisked her away with him upon leaving Gallifrey. But he had lost her, too.

He lost them all.

Just as he would continue to lose everyone he ever held dear. How could he face this again? The very thought was far too much.

He had fought a long hard battle in finally allowing himself to open his soul and love Rose, yielding access to the deepest recesses of his hearts. Allowing it had been a struggle because he knew he would one day lose her while he would live on...alone. That was his curse in life. Rose was right when she had confronted him on Janyeer about keeping his fear of her loss bottled up inside. He had never fully made peace within himself on how he would cope when Rose was one day gone from his life. How could he? He had simply thrust it aside, locked it away as best he could and taken hold of what they could have here and now and lived for each day, each moment. Now, what he'd tried to lock out of his thoughts was screaming at the front of his mind that it wasn't just Rose he would one day lose. He would have to watch their child wither and die as well. How could he bear that? How could he live through losing his entire family – again?

The Doctor took a long, shuddering breath and stood. He slowly walked to the monitor displaying the data from the scans he had performed. A painful lump swelled in his throat as he reaffirmed what he knew to be true. Part human. Specifically the aging part. Human lives were so very fragile and so very fleeting. A new life was just beginning, yet he was already feeling grief over the loss that would one day come and, without mercy, strip his soul bare.

-:-:-:-

After leaving the infirmary, Rose walked in solitude down the corridor until she came to a stop outside the bedroom, the room she and the Doctor now shared. The thought of retreating to her old room briefly crossed her mind, but despite how things currently stood between her and the Doctor, she needed the comfort of their shared dwelling more than ever and didn't want to feel further isolated from him. Just like the Doctor, she needed time to try and process this, but she didn't even know where to begin. She was feeling mentally and physically exhausted, and she had never felt at such a distance from the Doctor. It hurt.

Now was a time when she needed him most. She needed his love and assurance in the midst of this. Instead, she felt as if he couldn't even stand to look at her now that she was carrying this child. How could they get through this? What would this do to them? Rose had thought nothing could ever shake their love. Now, the one thing created by their love was coming between them. Maybe it was fitting for a child of the Doctor to be such a paradox, Rose thought wryly.

She didn't understand how the Doctor could possibly feel the way he did. Yes, the method of engineering this without their consent was wrong. But regardless of outside manipulation, this was their child that she and the Doctor created together. Rose had honestly never given thought to the idea of the two of them having children because she knew it could never be, but she never would have imagined that if they could have children this would have been the Doctor's reaction. How could he not want a child they had created together, regardless of how the possibility was brought about? True, their lifestyle might change just a bit. For one thing, they might have to slow the running once her center of gravity shifted. Their life of traveling in the TARDIS would not come to an end, though. Where better for a baby who was partly a child of Time to begin and live its life than amongst the stars? She saw the possibility of their life together becoming something more breathtaking and awe inspiring than it had ever even been. This baby was part Time Lord. The Doctor would no longer be the last, and he would have this part of her long after she was gone. Wasn't that a good thing? Wasn't that incredible?

With heavy steps, Rose walked into the bedroom as the lights dimmed for her, the gentle ambient glow soft and soothing. At least the TARDIS seemed to be considering her feelings in creating a calming atmosphere, Rose thought. She walked over to the bed and climbed in, not bothering to turn down the covers as she lay down atop the deep blue duvet. She curled up on her side, her back facing the door. Rose placed her hand over her abdomen where the fragile new life was now growing inside of her, a sense of awe coming over her at the very thought. Even now she felt a connection to this child – a deep and instinctual love. Her wistful thoughts led her to the future. Who would this child one day be? Would it have the Doctor's eyes and her smile? Would it have the same exuberance for life and passion for justice as the Doctor?

Would it have its father's love?

Rose closed her eyes as a feeling of sorrow washed over her. Despite the circumstances surrounding the conception, she wanted nothing more than to feel joy over the possibility of this new life. Considering how the Doctor felt, she didn't know how that could be possible.

-:-:-:-

The Doctor remained in the infirmary running analyses and studying the scans and tests he'd performed on Rose, trying to project the possible variances with this pregnancy and how to handle them when they arose in order to ensure Rose's safety. As he worked, his own turbulent emotions were beginning to be pushed aside and he could sense Rose's growing, troubled feelings through their link. Her normally placid, reassuring presence in the back of his mind was now unsettled. He felt his hearts constrict all the more knowing he had contributed to that. He knew he needed to go to her. He couldn't hide from this. But how could he begin to make things right? How could this be made right?

The Doctor realized Rose at least needed to know the full reasons for his feelings, so he left the infirmary behind to go find her. Even if talking about this killed him, at least she would know the reason why he felt like a part of him was dying.

By outward appearances Rose looked to be resting, but she was able to do anything but. Her still form on the bed was a contradiction to the turbulence within her. Rose heard the quiet footsteps of the Doctor from behind her as he came into the room. She questioned whether he was coming to actually talk about all this or if he was just making a quick check on her. Rose didn't have the strength to try to force him into talking about this if he wasn't ready or willing, so he would have to be the one to make the move, Rose decided, as she continued lying with her back to him.

She heard the clinking sound of him placing something down on the table beside the bed, then felt the mattress sink down as he gently sat himself beside her. The Doctor placed his hand on her head and softly stroked his fingers through her hair. Rose bit her lip to stop the quivering and tried not to tremble. She held it together because she didn't feel she had the ability to pick up the pieces if she let herself fall apart.

"I'm sorry, Rose," he spoke softly, his voice carrying the weight of sadness.

I know, and that's what hurts, Rose thought to herself in silent reply.

She turned over to face him and looked up into his deep, sorrowful eyes. "I don't want you to be sorry for this, Doctor," she said quietly, then sought to manage a little bit of reasoning. "I know what they did to us was morally wrong, but is the thought of having a child with me so horrible to you? Isn't there at least some small part of this that brings you joy?" she asked openly. Rose didn't want a confrontation; she only wanted honesty.

The Doctor closed his eyes for a brief moment before responding. When he opened them his gaze was distant. "Rose, it's...it's just not that simple."

She half-smiled sadly. "Nothing ever is with us, is it?"

"No." The Doctor looked back down at her and could see the weariness behind her red-rimmed eyes. This day had taken its toll. He turned to the bedside table and picked up the glass he had brought with him. He turned back to her and held it out. "Here, I brought you this. You haven't eaten yet today and you need to keep your strength up. It's a special mix of nutrients tailored to your needs. It should make you feel a bit better...and it's banana flavored, too," he added with a tiny smile.

Rose sat up and took the proffered glass. "Thank you," she said softly. He nodded.

After a few sips, she lowered the glass and brought her eyes back to his face. There was no easy place to start with any of this, but if nothing else Rose at least needed to know more about what to expect with this pregnancy. "So," she began, "you said there could be possible complications. Do you want to tell me more about that so I can have an idea of what to expect?"

The Doctor drew a long breath. He may as well start with the physical, then move on to the emotional. "In the things I've told you about my planet, I've mentioned before that Gallifreyan offspring were most often loomed through a process of genetic material being contributed by the parents," he explained. "A mother carrying the child wasn't unheard of but it wasn't common. But even though pregnancy occurred, any data or point of reference pertaining to that doesn't tell me what I need to know as far as what to expect with a human/Time Lord pregnancy."

Rose nodded, trying to give it some logical thought. "Since I'm already having symptoms this early, do you think that means...the course of the pregnancy will run shorter and developments will come more quickly?"

His face took on a look of equal parts fear and apology. "Your body is under more of a strain with a part-Time Lord pregnancy and that's why you've already begun feeling symptoms. This will be more difficult for you than a fully-human pregnancy would be. Even part human, the development of a Gallifreyan fetus is more intricate, and just the fact that it's a different species from you puts more of a strain on your body to try to adapt and compensate. As for the pregnancy running a shorter course, it's still early to tell yet, but due to the development of a more complex physiology, it's likely the gestation period will last longer than nine months." He paused, his hand ruffling the hair at the back of his head and his eyes not quite meeting hers. "Probably closer to twelve."

That little revelation jolted her. "No wonder your people chose looming," Rose murmured.

He puffed out his cheeks and blew out a rush of air. "As for other complications, I just don't know. I'm sorry, Rose. I wish I could tell you more."

Whatever difficulties may arise, as long as they faced them together Rose believed they could make it through this. Aside from the physical, the question in her mind was how they would make it through the emotional complications of this.

"And what about the other complications?" she finally asked, her voice sounding as vulnerable as she felt inside. "What's gonna happen to us? Can you tell me that?" Rose turned fully towards him and took his hand, drawing his eyes deeply into hers. "Doctor, no matter how this came about, why can't you just see this as a good thing? This baby is a part of us, of you and me. And in this way..." She hesitated with the words for a few seconds but kept going, finishing on a whisper. "In this way you'll always have a part of me with you...even after I'm gone."

The dam nearly broke upon hearing that and tears began to fill his eyes. When the Doctor spoke, his voice trembled and he nearly choked on his words. "Oh, Rose. Don't you see I'm going to lose you both?"

Rose didn't understand, but she felt her heart constrict at the raw pain in his voice. "But...but the baby's part Time Lord..."

The Doctor nodded sadly. "And the baby is also part human." He sucked in a sharp breath. "It will age like a human. It will grow old and never regenerate. It will only have one life."

The sorrow encasing his words pierced her own heart. Rose knew the Doctor had made a sacrifice in allowing himself to love a human, to tie his soul to someone with a lifespan that compared to his was a mere breath. Now his loss would be multiplied, faced with losing both her and their child. The loss of a child was something no one should have to endure. It might be easier for Rose to try and reason that it wouldn't happen for quite some time; but it would still happen. The Doctor would have to face it one day and then be forced to live on, alone once again.

The Doctor wasn't a man who had the fear of what it could be like to lose his family; he had the knowledge that came from experiencing it. Rose knew the Doctor had been a father before. When they bonded and he opened himself to her, he allowed her to see the family he had once had, the family he had lost, and she had felt a measure of that pain. It seemed for the Doctor history was destined to repeat itself.

Rose could now understand at least a little of what he was feeling inside. She lifted her eyes back up to his, seeing the shining tears that threatened to fall. She didn't even know quite what to say so she simply reached for him and held him. The Doctor clung tightly, and she could feel he was mourning the losses that would one day come to him. It broke her heart.

The Doctor took a shuddering breath and drew back as he spoke with pain-filled honesty. "It isn't that I don't want a child with you, Rose. It's that I don't want to one day have to lose you both. But I can't escape that."

Rose silently nodded. She now at least understood his reaction to the news of the pregnancy. It still hurt, but now she felt not only her pain but his, too.

There were no easy answers in this. Rose wished she could simply tell him to live for today, take joy in the moments they had and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. But that was so easy for her to say, wasn't it? Putting herself in his place and imagining what it would be like to one day lose both the Doctor and their child while she would be left alone gave her a glimpse of understanding.

The Doctor finally spoke up again, softly breaking Rose out of her distant thoughts. "You should try to get some rest, Rose."

She looked back up at him. It felt like there was still so much more that needed to be said, but for now Rose really didn't know what else to say, and in all honesty she was feeling exhausted. She did have one question to ask of him, though.

"Will you stay?" Rose asked, almost hesitantly. She didn't want any more distance between them than she was already feeling.

"I'll stay," he quietly assured her.

Rose prepared for bed and settled back in beside the Doctor. Each remained quiet through the night but the words churning in both their minds were not. Rose knew they needed to somehow make peace with this, or else she feared the Doctor would come to resent both her and the baby and see them as objects of pain in his life. She couldn't bear that, for her or the child's sake. He had finally come to accept loving her in spite of mismatched lifespans because he realized it was far better than never having her at all. Rose could only pray that in time he would reach the same conclusion about this child.