A/N The Doctor's opened up to Rose about the reason for his feelings, but it hasn't yet resolved the issues as that tension in the air persists.

Chapter 13

Rose woke the next morning to a sight that had become familiar to her during the past few weeks. Her eyes blinked open and focused on the Doctor who sat beside her on the bed, intently engaged in research. A large book lay open in his lap with a writing pad beside him. Rose could tell from seeing a glimpse of the script across the book's cover that it was Gallifreyan. No doubt a text pertaining to pregnancy, she surmised. His focus would shift from the page, then over to the side where he was scrawling his notes. Rose had lately grown accustomed to waking up like this as the Doctor worked to preserve the lives of the people of Janyeer. Now he was working to do what he could to safeguard her and the baby.

At least for now, Rose thought to herself as a dismal cloud settled over her. The day would eventually come when there would be nothing he could do to save either of them as the march of time took its toll. First he would have to lose her, and then...

Rose quickly halted that depressing train of thought before she mentally had herself and this child dead and buried. This wasn't exactly the best way to begin her day. Rose pressed a hand to her forehead, squeezing her lids shut as she inwardly scolded herself for thinking so bleakly. Now she was beginning to think just like the Doctor.

The man in question looked up from his reading when he realized Rose had woken, and he saw her pressing the heel of her palm to her head with her eyes clenched shut. Considering the razor's edge he was already on in fearing for her condition, he instantly thought the worst. Alarmed, he took the quickest course of action, bypassing time-consuming words, and immediately sought to probe her mind to find out what was wrong. Intensifying the connection between them through their shared link, his mind pushed forward into hers without warning or a polite mental nudge the equivalent of asking permission.

Rose startled at the unexpected sensation of him, essentially, barging in on her thoughts. Both were respectful of the bond they shared and never entered each other's thoughts unannounced, although it would have been more difficult for Rose to do so with his highly complex mind and honed barriers. Some barriers had to remain in place because he had explained to her before they bonded that a human could not handle the full magnitude of a Time Lord mind without burning. But still, they could join minds on a certain level, but usually only did so to the point of sharing thoughts at highly intimate times or during other instances of mutual consent. The rest of the time the link between them served as a gentle awareness of the other at the edge of their consciousness. The Doctor's usually-subtle presence was now suddenly charging in and throwing the door off the hinge, and Rose gasped at the unexpected intrusion, her mind's reaction the equivalent of taking a sharp step back as he lunged forward.

"Sorry!" the Doctor said as he quickly withdrew, sensing her startled reaction from his sudden incursion. "I was just afraid something was wrong. You looked...distressed." He paused, her eyes met his, and in an instant that heavy atmosphere between them was back. He realized now, of course, the number of things Rose could have been thinking which explained why she'd appeared upset.

He rubbed at the base of his neck, an unconscious gesture of unease. "Are you feeling okay, Rose?" His voice had calmed, and both knew his question extended beyond just asking about the physical, though neither was quite sure what more to say that hadn't already been covered the night before. More needed to be said between them at some point, though, because despite his opening up to her about why he felt the way he did about this pregnancy, it still didn't resolve the issues.

Rose gave him a small smile, her eyes dropping a fraction from his. She supposed it wasn't a lie if she answered only in terms of how she felt physically. "Yeah, I'm okay."

His hand motioned in the general direction of her recently intruded upon head. "Sorry about...er..."

She chuckled softly. Even in the midst of the tension, she was still aware of how adorable he could be when sheepish. "It's okay. I just wasn't expecting it."

"I was just...concerned."

Rose nodded, thinking that his overly cautious concern for her would have been endearing if it was in the form of the usual, nervous expectant father. But considering the way things stood between them, his heightened anxiety only served as a reminder to her of the loss he so feared.

Rose desperately wanted to break out of this oppressive slump she was feeling over all this. Despite how this happened or what may yet come, she wished more than anything that this could be a joyous time for them. Anguishing over it accomplished exactly nothing. She wanted to just be happy about this new life and wanted someone to be happy with her.

She wanted...she wanted her mum, Rose realized. She wanted her mum and the man who, thanks to this mad and wonderful universe, had now become her dad. Her family would have to know about all of this eventually, and she was certain her mum and Pete would be happy upon hearing the news. No doubt stunned, but happy. Jackie had shared with Rose just recently that she and Pete wanted to try and start a family together soon. They were waiting just a bit longer until Pete had Vitex firmly established and stable, then they were going to try for a baby. They, at least, knew the joy a child could bring, and right now Rose desperately needed to hear that from someone.

"Are you hungry?" the Doctor asked, drawing Rose from her thoughts. "I can fix you something."

Rose thought about it. "Yeah, I am a bit. I feel better than yesterday morning. I'm not as tired and have more of an appetite."

A look of at least marginal relief came to his face. "The nutrient-infused drink I gave you probably helped. You had begun to develop a few deficiencies, but with careful monitoring that shouldn't be a problem for now." At least that's what he hoped, and Rose didn't miss the way his voice caught on the words 'for now.'

The Doctor closed the book and shifted his notes aside as Rose pushed back the covers and sat up. "I think I'll take a shower while you get breakfast," she said.

"Okay," he nodded. They paused and looked at each other before standing. The Doctor gave her a tight smile. He leaned in and kissed her briefly and chastely.

It was almost worse than if he hadn't kissed her at all. It certainly wasn't the type of good-morning kiss they usually shared, and Rose hated this tension that was between them still. Although it was a slight improvement over how things had been the day before, Rose conceded with a sigh as she stood up from the bed and walked to the en-suite.

Rose stripped off her pajamas and stepped into the shower, wishing for a nice hot spray to relax her thoughts. That's just what the TARDIS delivered, bless the sentient ship. She could feel a little of the tension easing out of her body as she lathered herself in a lavender-scented foam. As Rose showered, her hands glided down and lingered over her flat belly. Her thoughts drifted ahead to the changes pregnancy would bring to her. This was still so hard to believe. It was something Rose thought she would never experience. She pondered over what the Doctor would think of the changes in her once she started to show. If she had allowed herself to imagine it in the past she would have pictured the Doctor as being fascinated by the total experience and lavishing attention on the life growing inside her. She could see him hovering over her baby-bump and prattling away to her rounded abdomen about things like Einstein and how to pilot the TARDIS and which planets had the very best bananas.

She certainly never would have pictured things to be as they were now. Even still, she couldn't imagine the Doctor as being anything less than a wonderful father once the time came. Even if he struggled with his feelings for the next twelve months, she knew he would surely love their child once it was born. But then...that was also the problem for him, wasn't it? Rose thought with a heavy sigh. Love and loss. Why did the two always have to go hand-in-hand for the Doctor?

This was still such an unexpected shock for both of them. Rose hoped that once the Doctor had time to truly process this he would reach a point of acceptance. Was it too much to hope perhaps even happiness? They just needed time to work through this.

Rose finished showering, dried her hair and changed into a pair of jeans and a comfortable T-shirt before heading to the kitchen to join the Doctor for breakfast.

He was just pocketing the sonic (the only cooking device he ever used) and setting out two plates of scrambled eggs and toast with jam as she came in. He looked up and smiled at her as she moved closer, but again, the effort was strained. He placed a cup of tea in front of her as she sat down.

"This is infused with a special blend of nutrients and a few other things that should help keep your appetite up and hopefully keep you feeling well today," he told her.

"Thank you," Rose said, flicking her eyes up to his from behind her mug, then back down at the table.

The meal proceeded in heavy silence after that. Both wanted and needed to say more, but where to even begin was the question. And since when were the two of them ever at a loss to even produce small talk between them? But forcing a conversation about...the weather or some other mundane triviality would have felt more unnatural than the silence currently stretching on.

Finally, Rose decided to at least tell him of the plans she had for the day. She cleared her throat, which sounded unnaturally loud in the silent room. "I was thinking that maybe we could stop by today to visit Mum and Pete."

The Doctor looked up from the food he'd been halfheartedly pushing around on his plate.

"They're gonna have to know about...the baby at some point," she continued, then added with a shrug, "And I'd just like to see them right now."

The Doctor knew exactly why she wanted to see them – to get the comfort she hadn't received from him, he thought guiltily. He was trying, he really was. It was going to take much more than tight smiles and restrained kisses, though. It was hard to mask the anxiety that was still rolling off him in waves. Like he had said to Rose, he just needed time with this. Time to somehow come to terms.

He didn't particularly feel like facing a host of 'congratulations' just yet, but if this was what Rose wanted he was hardly going to object. He could at least give her this for now if nothing else.

"Of course," he said, putting as much pleasantry into his tone as he could muster. The gloom was wearing them both down and he desperately needed to shake it. Maybe he needed this distraction, too. "I'd like to run a few more tests first, but after that we can stop by for a visit."

"Okay," Rose agreed as she stood and took her dishes from the table. At least they'd made it through breakfast.

-:-:-:-

The Doctor's 'few more tests' stretched on for the better part of an hour. Rose assumed this was going to become a frequent occurrence now. Not that she would have really minded if the time together wasn't spent in such unease. That time had given Rose plenty to think about, however.

As she stood in the console room with the Doctor while he set the coordinates to take Rose where she had requested, she finally spoke up with a question that had been silently plaguing her.

"Doctor?" she said with some hesitance as he stood fiddling with the controls. "Doctor," she repeated more firmly, drawing his full attention to her. She wanted him to look her in the eyes when he answered this. He turned, giving her his sole focus. "There's something I need to know." He shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded. The Doctor sensed he most likely was not going to like where this was headed, but he would answer whatever question she had as best he could.

Rose took a long breath. "You told me shortly after we arrived on Janyeer that you didn't regret loving me or regret allowing yourself to have this life with me, no matter how much time we may have." She took a step closer. A part of her was terrified to ask, but she needed to know this. "Do you regret it now?"

At first the Doctor was stunned she would even ask such a question, but that thought was quickly followed by the realization of why she would. In the past twenty-four hours he'd succeeded in doing the one thing he would have once thought unforgivable: he had hurt Rose. For all of his brilliance, the Doctor wasn't always an expert when it came to matters of the heart, but he'd never mucked things up quite this badly before. He needed to somehow begin repairing the damage, but considering he was still so cut up from his own emotions he didn't yet know how to go about mending hers. He did have a significant question to answer, though.

The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, struggling to find just the right words. He'd been complete rubbish with his words lately, and this time he wanted to be sure he spoke carefully.

Rose feared his slight hesitation gave her the answer. The TARDIS lurched to a halt, signaling their arrival. "Right. Well I suppose that answers my question," she said with a broken voice. Rose quickly turned away from him and sped down the ramp.

"Rose, wait!" he called after her, but she didn't stop. Of course he didn't regret loving her. Not for a minute – no matter how much turmoil he was in. But she didn't give him a chance to say it. The Doctor raked a hand through his hair and drew a fortifying breath as he turned to follow her out. He only hoped that somehow the rest of this day would improve.