A/N Sorry for the bit of delay with this chapter. I'd been planning to have it up a little sooner but holiday preparations put my writing behind. I hope all of my American Who friends had a lovely Thanksgiving!
Chapter 17
"Are...are you the doctor?"
The Doctor came to a halt mid-step as Rose's question hit him like a breath-stealing punch. The words then lingered heavily in the air, ringing in his ears. He and Jackie looked at each other, Jackie's eyes once again filling with concern.
The Doctor swallowed down hard, forcing himself to speak evenly and not stress Rose by showing the pained reaction those words had just caused two out of the three people in the room.
"I'm the doctor," he confirmed to Rose, taking one more step towards her.
Rose's eyes flicked between the Doctor and Jackie. "W-what happened?" she questioned weakly, rubbing once more at her forehead.
Jackie went to speak, but the Doctor quickly shot her a silencing look and gave a slight shake of his head.
"What do you remember?" he asked with measured caution, moving just a little closer.
Rose closed her eyes in concentration. "S'all just sort of...fuzzy."
"It's okay," he said gently. "Just take your time."
Rose finally opened her eyes again, the look within them blurred with confusion. "I...I don't...remember anything out of the ordinary."
Then you definitely don't remember the Doctor, Jackie thought, but not in a humorous way. Her concern over the apparent damage Rose's mind had suffered was mounting.
"Let's try something else. How about the date? Do you know that?" the Doctor asked calmly, as if his insides were not currently twisted in knots.
Rose screwed her face up as she fought to remember, confused as to why she couldn't. "Not...not the exact date. But the year...um, 2003? No...no, 2004?"
"Good, good, that's a start," the Doctor replied, trying his best to infuse his tone with encouragement. "Can you tell me the last thing you remember?"
Rose thought hard for a minute. "Just...just ordinary stuff, I s'pose. Mum, work, Mickey. Nothing...specific as a last memory."
The Doctor and Jackie exchanged a brief yet troubled glance before looking back down at Rose.
The Doctor lowered himself down to sit beside her on the bed and instinctively reached out to cup her cheek with his hand in a loving gesture, but he caught himself and pulled back, his hand falling limply to the bed. "You've had a bit of an accident," he said gently. "You've suffered a neural injury, but you're going to be just fine. I promise. What you need right now is just to rest, okay?"
Rose's mind was jumbled and she didn't remember any kind of accident, but this doctor's gentle, soothing voice felt somehow reassuring to her. Rose didn't have the strength to ask more questions about any of this. Right now she just wanted to fall asleep and hoped the splitting headache she had would be gone when she woke up.
Rose nodded slightly, her heavy eyelids already falling shut. Jackie leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "Just sleep, love. We'll be right here for you when you wake up."
Sleep had already claimed her as Jackie re-arranged the covers around Rose and stood. She and the Doctor then turned and stepped out of the room and into the hall, softly closing the door behind them.
Pete had already woken and was just coming out to look for Jackie and check on Rose. "What's happened? Is Rose alright?" he asked, his tone concerned as he tied the sash around his dressing gown, looking between the Doctor and Jackie.
Jackie slowly shook her head, her hands clutched together beneath her chin. "She woke up, but she doesn't remember anything from the past few years. She thinks it's...what did she say...2004? She...she doesn't even remember the Doctor. She's forgotten all those things, Pete." Pete's face fell. He placed a comforting arm around Jackie's shoulders, drawing her to him.
She leaned into his embrace, then turned her eyes to the Doctor. "Please tell me this is only temporary."
The Doctor scrubbed both hands down his face, still trying to catch up to what was happening. "I just don't know, Jackie. Like I said, the brain is a very delicate thing. There's a chance that this is only temporary and that in time she'll recover her lost memories once the damage to her mind has healed." His countenance darkened. "There's also the chance that she won't. For now, we're going to have to tread very carefully. If her memories are to return, they're going to have to do so on their own. We can't force them. That would only make matters worse. A shock or heightened stress could cause her to regress further, so she can't just suddenly be told of all the things she's forgotten. That would be too much."
"But...but what about the baby?" Jackie questioned, careful to lower her voice. "Is the baby still...linked to her, or whatever you called it? What's she gonna make of that? You said she shouldn't experience a shock. What happens when she finds out she's pregnant?"
The Doctor leaned his back heavily against the wall. "With Rose's link to me nearly severed, the baby's link with her won't be magnified, so its subtlety at this early stage most likely won't be detected by her. And because it's so early in the pregnancy, it will be awhile before Rose would even know she's carrying. Although she might currently experience some symptoms of nausea or dizziness, she wouldn't immediately assume pregnancy. We should have a little bit of time before that becomes an issue."
"Well, one thing's for sure," Pete spoke up. "I'm canceling the flight out tomorrow night. Jackie and I can't just up and leave with Rose like this. The trip can wait."
The Doctor shook his head. "Pete, I think it's best if you went ahead with your trip. And it would be better if you left as soon as possible, because Rose can't see you here," the Doctor reminded him.
Realization dawned on Pete. "I didn't even think about...I suppose seeing who you think is your long-dead father would be the kind of shock we have to keep Rose from experiencing." He looked at Jackie. "You should stay here though, Jacks."
"She's gonna need me," Jackie agreed. Then, nothing if not practical, she was the one who began thinking through all the immediate details they would have to address. "I s'pose I need to put away all the recent photos before she's up and movin' about." Jackie looked at the Doctor. "And you better move the TARDIS somewhere outside before she sees it sittin' in the middle of the flat and we're left to try and explain it."
Jackie went about converting the flat to the state Rose would have expected to find it in a few years earlier, while Pete arranged to take an early flight out. With reluctance, he left first thing that morning, but with Jackie's promise that she would keep him regularly updated on Rose's condition.
After moving the TARDIS to the corner next to the Powell Estate and re-analyzing the results of the tests he'd run on Rose when she had been in the infirmary, the Doctor returned to the flat and took up watch once again at Rose's side as she slept.
The Doctor had to force aside his own turbulent emotions because he had to be steady for Rose, but as was becoming an all-too regular occurrence lately, so many thoughts and feelings were churning inside and threatening to overwhelm him. What if Rose didn't regain her memories? Their entire life together up until now would be lost to her. Once she'd had a little bit of time to recover, he could slowly begin working with Rose to try and help her regain those memories. But if those lost memories were beyond salvaging, then what? How would she react when she eventually learned who the Doctor really was to her and that she was pregnant with his child? If it eventually came down to having to tell her these things without Rose remembering on her own, would she come to reach the place of loving him all over again?
Those were not the only thoughts relentlessly circling through his mind. If Rose's memories did return, they would bring with them the remembrance of the pain he had caused her. The Doctor could not get past the feeling of guilt, thinking that if he had not been so preoccupied with his own emotions he would have been able to realize this risk before it had occurred and taken steps to prevent it. He also feared the severe mental stress Rose had been under before this happened might have made her mind more vulnerable and the effects that much worse.
A dark thought formed in the back of the Doctor's mind. He tried to push it aside but was unsuccessful. What if Rose didn't want to remember that recent pain, which inevitably included him? What if subconsciously she wanted to forget the hurt he had caused her over his initial feelings about the baby? The Doctor told himself he had to rein in those kinds of thoughts. Yes, he had hurt her; and the knowledge of that tore his hearts in two. Yet he also knew their love was strong enough to overcome that. He knew he would receive her forgiveness. That is, if Rose ever even regained those memories.
The Doctor gazed into the sleeping face of the woman he loved, the woman who had irrevocably captured his hearts, and he felt his chest constrict. Having Rose look at him earlier without a trace of recognition felt like a knife through his hearts. With their bond now all but severed as well, he felt so utterly empty. Her missing presence in his mind made him ache for her. The moment they were cut off from each other felt like a limb being severed, and that pain persisted still. He needed her desperately. He could not lose Rose to this.
When the Doctor had made the enormous decision to allow himself to admit his love for Rose, he had set out to win her heart, although it already belonged unequivocally to him. In time, he would win her heart all over again if that's what it took. He could do that. He knew he could. The insurmountable task currently facing him was going to be keeping himself at a passive distance from Rose until she was ready for that. His consuming love for her was anything but passive and not easily restrained. He had come to wonder how in the past he ever managed to be around Rose and keep his feelings masked, and he didn't know if that was something he could managed again. But whatever it took and however long it may by, their love would survive this. He simply would not allow any other option.
-:-:-:-
Rose began to drift awake again a few hours later. As her eyes blinked open she was once again greeted by the sight of the man she'd seen earlier – the doctor who had told her there had been some sort of accident, which apparently caused her current state of fogged memories and feeling like her head had been used as a conga drum. Though as she woke more fully, she realized the throbbing pain from earlier had lessened just a little bit.
Rose focused her vision on the Doctor sitting in a chair beside her bed, and he quickly leaned towards her upon seeing her wake.
He gave her a warm, gentle smile. "Hello."
Rose swallowed and licked her lips. Her mouth felt dry, as if it had been stuffed with cotton, but she managed to reply. "Hi."
"Here," he said, reaching for a cup of water sitting on the table beside the bed and offering her a sip. "Drink a little of this."
Rose lifted her head off the pillow and took several greedy gulps. "Easy," he advised. "Not too much all at once."
She slowed her pace, took one last sip then eased her head back down.
He sat the cup down and turned back to her. "How are you feeling?"
Rose's hands went up to her head to massage her temples. "A little better, I s'pose." She lowered her hands and looked around the room. "Where's my mum?"
"She's making some breakfast. We knew you'd be waking up soon, and you'll need to try and eat a little something. Do you feel up to it?"
Rose nodded slightly. "I feel half starved."
He smiled, his eyes briefly flicking to her stomach then quickly back to her face. "Good, you sh– That's good." He stood. "I'll go let your mum know you're awake again and ready to eat. I'll be right back, okay?"
"'Kay," Rose replied, still feeling drowsy as he turned and briefly left the room.
The Doctor found Jackie busying herself in the kitchen as he came in. "She's awake."
Jackie felt measurable relief. "How is she now?"
"She's hungry, which is good."
"Are you sure it's okay for her to eat just yet?"
"As long as she feels up to it then she needs to keep up her strength – especially now. Just something light to start with, though." The Doctor took the boiling kettle off the stove and went about preparing Rose a cup of tea with the nutrient infusion he'd given her before.
Jackie made some toast and set it on a tray with the tea, and the Doctor added a banana in case Rose felt like something more substantial.
Rose was just starting to sit up in bed as they both entered the room. The Doctor quickly hurried to her side. "Easy, easy...take it slow," he directed.
"'M fine," Rose insisted, although she felt a little dizzy even as she spoke. The Doctor positioned a few pillows behind her back for support.
"Here we are, sweetheart," Jackie said, smiling brightly as she placed the tray next to Rose on the bed.
Glancing down at the light meal, Rose's eyes lit up when she saw the banana. For some reason she suddenly felt like she was craving it. She peeled it eagerly and took a bite. Her eyes moved between the Doctor and her mum. Now that she was awake and alert she needed answers to the questions beginning to fill her mind.
"What happened to me?" Rose asked between bites. She didn't remember any type of accident that had been referenced earlier. But then, her thoughts still felt blurry.
The Doctor began to cautiously explain at least part of it. "You...had an accident and suffered a head injury, which caused some neural damage."
"An accident," she repeated. "What kind of accident?"
The Doctor hesitated just a moment before answering. "It's best not to overload you with all the details of that just yet. I'm confident it will come to you in time," he said, wishing he actually felt the confidence he professed. "But it needs to come to you slowly."
Rose thought it over for a minute. "Why am I home, then?" she questioned. "Shouldn't I be in hospital, or something?"
The Doctor briefly glanced at Jackie, then back at Rose. "I initially treated you in...a medical facility. I was able to repair some of the damage suffered, and then you were stable enough to be moved back home. You can continue to recuperate here as long as I keep you regularly monitored."
"But I'm gonna be okay now?" she asked with hesitance.
"You're gonna be just fine, sweetheart," Jackie assured her. "And like the Doctor said, he's gonna keep lookin' after you."
Rose turned her eyes back to him. "So, you're a doctor who makes house calls, then," she concluded with a tiny smile.
He returned her smile and replied softly. "Only for very special patients."
Something about the deep warmth in his eyes held her focus and made Rose gaze into them just a little longer than perhaps she should have. Rose collected herself, dropping her eyes back to the tray and picking up her tea.
"Where's Mickey?" she asked, blowing across the top of her steaming beverage and taking a sip. "Has he been 'round?"
The Doctor and Jackie froze. The honest yet outlandish answer of 'he's living in a parallel world' wasn't exactly the reply they could give.
The Doctor shifted his gaze to Jackie, rubbing the back of his neck.
"He's gone travelin'," Jackie answered, thinking quickly.
Rose frowned slightly. Mickey wasn't really the type to do much traveling, nor did he have the means. That irregularity wasn't what felt strange to her, though. What bothered Rose was this niggling feeling in her mind that there were other things she should know, but didn't – or couldn't; like trying to recall a faded dream. There were memories that just felt...blurry, cloaked in a thick haze.
"I can't remember the exact date or this...accident that happened," she said eventually. "What else don't I remember?"
Oh, that was such a loaded question, and one that could not be answered fully – not yet. "You do have some memory loss," the Doctor confirmed. "That's not unusual considering your injury."
"Will I get those memories back, though?" Rose asked hopefully.
The Doctor tried to sound more upbeat than he felt. "There's a definite chance that you will, but it might take a little time. I'll help you with that, Rose. Once you've had some time to recover, I'll assist you in trying to regain those memories, but it has to be done slowly."
Rose nodded in reply, but felt uncertainty surrounding her as she slumped back against the pillows. She was more than a little unsettled knowing there were parts of her life missing from her knowledge. Yet at the same time, this doctor's assurance that he would help gave her an inexplicable sense of calm. She didn't even know him, yet Rose found herself easily believing his words of reassurance. Rose thought to herself there was something about him she couldn't quite put her finger on, but whatever it was, it made her trust him when he said he could help, and she began to feel a spark of assurance in the midst of the confusion encompassing her.
Taking a last sip of her tea, Rose lifted her eyes to him from behind her mug as she contemplated this man who had been caring for her and had given his promise to continue doing so. In her limited experience with doctors, Rose knew some could be detached and not always entirely pleasant. But this doctor? She had only just laid eyes on him a short time ago, but something told Rose she was not going to mind being his patient.